Once again, the temperature is unseasonably cool. Okay so not really cool, but much cooler than one would expect in late August. Usually this time of year is the hottest on the east coast. At the end of every summer, when I would return to campus, the heat was always almost unbearable. But right now, we are barely reaching into the eighties and I am so very grateful for the break in heat.
I love summer. I just can't stand the blazing heat or unbearable humidity. I mean, sure, it gets warm back home, but nothing compares to how heavy the air feels on the east coast. So humid that it feels like the air literally has weight to it and it bares down on you, making it hard to breathe freely at times.
“So.” Zayne breaks into my weather analyzing thoughts. “Is there a reason that I received a phone call to come get you?” He asks, his voice light and playful. “I mean, is everything okay?” He asks.
Suddenly I realize his question. He's worried because I was drinking in the middle of the day.
“No, no.” I laugh. “Me and Becca.... Well, we were just celebrating I guess.” I say, squinting towards the sun to get a look at his handsome face.
“Celebrating huh?” He asks, bumping his body into mine.
“I have dinner plans with Alec tomorrow.” I blurt.
He only nods his head slowly. “Yes, I know.” He says, reminding me that he was with Alec when I made the call.
“Anyways.” I say, shaking my head. “Thanks for coming to get me.” I say, emphasizing the word get, knowing full well I could have just walked home.
“The pleasure is all mine.” He says, his eyes dancing across my face. I pick up on his words hidden meaning instantly and my stomach twists in the most incredible way. Already my body is ready for him, reacting to him, anticipating the feeling of him inside of me.
“It will be.” I say, smiling wickedly. I don't miss the way his eyes darken or the way his arm tightens around my shoulders.
“Keep talking like that, and we'll be lucky if we make it to my car.” He says, his voice dropping low. His way of telling me he's completely serious.
“I'm kind of counting on it.” I say, knocking into his hip with mine.
Without so much as a warning, Zayne drops his arm from my shoulder and grabs my hand, pulling me to the side. At first I think he's following through with his threat and that he's about to pull me into some dark alley and take me against a dirty brick wall.
Imagine my disappointment when I realize that he's pulling me in the direction of where his black sports car is parked along the side of the alley. He opens the door for me and I quickly slip inside, the heat from the leather feeling too hot against the back of my bare legs.
The car ride to Zayne's feels too long. With hidden looks and stolen touches, by the time we pull into the parking garage of his apartment building, my entire body feels on edge. Tightly wound and in desperate need of feeling him against me, inside me, our bodies tangled together as one.
He lets his hand trail up the back of my black plaid skirt as the elevator climbs towards his floor, his fingers brushing across my panties. I try to contain myself but I know he can sense what hes doing to me.
He can tell in the way my pulse pounds rapidly against my neck. In the way my breathing hitches and becomes labored. And in the way that my legs tremble under his touch. He knows exactly what he's doing to me and I stand absolutely no chance of fighting against him.
Before the doors even slide open, his mouth is on mine, hot and firm, not allowing me to pull away when the doors slide open. He hoists my body against his, my legs wrapping around his lean waist as he leads us out of the elevator and towards his apartment.
It isn't until his body freezes and I feel every ounce of him tense underneath me that I realize that something is off. Pulling back, the panic that flashes across his face is enough to send my stomach plummeting to the ground.
He gently sets me to my feet, his eyes never leaving whatever has caught his attention. Afraid to turn around but unable to resist, I slowly spin. The moment my eyes land on Alec, a shudder runs through my entire body.
“Alec.” His name is off my lips unintentionally but it does nothing to soften the glare that is hard set on Zayne. His hands twist around an envelope and it's clear that he was just stopping by to drop something off.
“Alec.... I can explain.” Zayne starts, for the first time since I met him, his voice faltering slightly.
Alec remains completely still. I don't know if he's in shock or he's trying to talk himself out of killing Zayne. Either way, his face looks absolutely murderous and the tightening in my chest tells me one thing... We messed up...Bad.
It seems like hours pass as we all just stand there, looking at each other. None of us really sure what to say. After what feels like an eternity, Alec finally finds his words.
“How could you?” His words are like acid and his eyes are set on Zayne. In the whole time we have been standing here, he has yet to even acknowledge my presence.
“Alec... I.”Zayne starts but is immediately cut off.
“Grace, Zayne. Really? Out of all the women in the fucking world, Grace?” He questions, playing my name off his lips like he's trying to convince himself that I am actually somehow involved in this.
“Alec.” I start, taking a step towards him but still, he refuses to acknowledge me.
“How long Zayne? How long? Since she arrived in New York? Or was it before that? At the lake house right after I asked you to stay away from her?” His words send my heart into a frantic race. Wait.. what?
“I told you what she had been through. I told you and yet you chose to pursue her anyways?” He asks like it's a question, his voice mixed with disbelief and anger. Wait, what?
“You knew about Kyle. Before I told you... You already knew?” I ask Zayne, my voice weak. Everything seems too slow, almost like I am in some really bad movie that has been placed on slow motion. I don't know if it's the events that are taking place, or the alcohol still swimming in my stomach but I suddenly feel very off kilter.
Confusion floods through me as I look at Zayne. He, like Alec, refuses to look at me. Suddenly not only am I terrified of what is about to unfold, but I am also beside myself with betrayal. He let me believe he knew nothing of my past. He let me cry and relive the whole story to him the night I showed up at his apartment, and all the while, he already knew.
“Alec, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen. It wasn't like I went out intentionally trying to do exactly what you asked me not to. It just. Fuck Alec, it just happened.” He says.
I step to the side, positioning myself in a way where I can see both men. Zayne stands tall, seeming completely unphased, and yet I can tell that he is. I can see it in the way his forehead crinkles, and in the brief glimpses of panic that flash through his eyes, but he still remains in control.
Alec, on the other hand, looks anything but controlled. His face is flushed and the snarl in his nostrils tells me that he is mere seconds away from turning on his best friend and likely beating his face into the ground.
“How long?” Alec's repeated question rings through the hallway.
“Three months.” Zayne admits, leaving out that we have only actually been together about half of that time given our many speed bumps along the way.
“Three fucking months!” His words erupt from his throat and this seems to be his breaking point.
“You are not good for her Zayne. After everything, you should understand that. But you did it anyways.... You were my brother. I trusted you. And now what? What happens when you fuck her over? Who is going to have to pick up the pieces when you disregard her like you have every other women in your life huh? Who Zayne?” He pauses, waiting to see if Zayne will respond.
“I am. That's who.” Alec's voice is teetered now between a growl and a yell and my skin crawls with his words and seeing him in such a state.
“I am the one who will have to clean up the mess you leave behind. I am so fucking tired of cleaning up after you Zayne. And
this time, well this time you've gone too far.”
Sensing we are reaching a climax, I finally find my voice. Whether it's alcohol induced bravery or just my natural need to protect Zayne, I'm not sure. All I know is I can't stand by and let him say anymore.
“Enough” I yell, my voice cutting through the air like an alarm bell. As if just noticing me for the first time, Alec's eyes land on mine.
“He wasn't alone in this. He didn't do this to you. I did.” I say, stepping towards Alec. “I pursued him. He tried to avoid me, push me away. This is my fault Alec, not his.” I say, my voice holding firm. “If you want to blame someone for betraying you, blame me.”
“Grace.” He warns.
“Don't Grace me Alec. I am not a child anymore.” My voice rises and for the first time in all of this sneaking around, it's not guilt that I feel, but anger.
“We wouldn't have had to keep any of this from you if you would just accept that! You are not my father and you have no right to determine who is or is not good enough for me. I love him Alec.” My words echo through the hallway and surprise even me. After all this time, the truth finally just slips out.
Alec's face contorts between a mixture of anger and complete disbelief. I can tell that me saying those words was not something he saw coming. I don't look back to see the shocked expression that I am sure is plastered on Zayne's face. All I care about right now is Alec and making him understand.
“Alec. I am in love with him.” I say, my voice lightening, the anger falling away. “I need you to accept this.” My words are almost pleading.
“Grace.” He breathes. “You don't know what you're getting into with him. He's not good enough for you and he will hurt you.” He promises. “I know it may seem impossible right now, but I know him Grace. I know how he gets. I'm not trying to control you, I'm trying to protect you.”
“I......” My words get cut off before I have a chance to respond.
“He's right.” Zayne's voice cuts through me and I whip around to see him looking at me with an expression I can't quite pin. Apology. Regret. Sadness.
“He's right Grace.” He repeats. “I never should have let this happen or allow it to go on as long as it has. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.” He says, not meeting my eyes.
“Zayne... What are you saying?” I ask, silently begging for him to look at me.
“It's over Grace.” His words cut through me like a tidal wave. The water beating me down further and further until I am struggling to do something as natural as breathe.
“What? I don't... I don't understand.” I say, disbelief evident in my voice.
“You can't love me Grace.” He says, his eyes finally meeting mine. Suddenly everything makes perfect sense. He's not pushing me away because of Alec, he's pushing me away because I admitted that I am in love with him.
It tells me everything I need to know about the man that I so carelessly gave my heart. I know he loves me too. I can feel it, see it in the way he looks at me. He's scared.
“You fucking coward.” I spit, not waiting for any response. Heartbreak and embarrassment have me practically running to the nearest exit. I need to get away from here.
I push my way past him, ignoring Alec's voice trailing after me. I pass the elevator and slip into the stairwell, not bothering to slow down and nearly falling down the last few stairs as I round another floor.
Honestly, I think falling would hurt less than the pain currently ripping it's way through my body. He hurt me, just not the way everyone saw coming. He's not incapable of love, he's scared of it.
And when it came time for him to step up and show me that we are in this together, he turns his back on me. He runs. I can't help but blame myself. Deep down, I think I always knew that eventually, he would run.
Chapter Twenty-Three
“I just don't get it. He seemed so into you and yet, he just turns his back on you, makes you look like that in front of your brother. It just doesn't make sense.” Becca says, shaking her head while she pours me another shot of tequila.
I have drank more in the three months I have known Zayne, then I have in all my years combined prior to him. I should have seen the path I was heading down before I reached the end. Unfortunately I didn't and now here I am. Once again drowning my sorrows into a never ending flow of hard liquor.
Poor Becca has had to deal with more than her fair share of my Zayne related drama and yet somehow, she manages to at least portray that she really cares and that she's not completely sick of hearing about all of my non sense.
Because of this, I really just gave her the summed up version of how my evening went yesterday once I left Vitos. Reliving the details is still too new. The wound too fresh.
“Maybe you should just get away for a while, ya know? Go home, see your family. It might do you some good to remove yourself from the situation completely.” She suggests.
“I don't know Bec. I miss my mom, I really do. And Ian too. But leaving now, it feels too much like giving up. I just got my writing off the ground. I can't afford to just throw it all away now.” I say, emptying the contents of my glass and scooting it towards her, silently asking for more.
She gives me a sad smile but doesn't say a word as she quickly refills my glass again. My goal is to drink until I can't count how many I have had. So far, I'm on three. Enough to have me swaying a bit, but not so much that I can't form a coherent sentence and right now, that's exactly where I want to be.
“I get that Grace, I do. But what can you do in New York that you can't do in Colorado for a week?” She asks.
Knowing she has a point, I simply take another drink. Admitting she's right, that nothing is holding me to New York at the present moment, gives me an out to leave. I should take it right? And yet, taking it means going half way across the country. It means hundreds of miles separating me and Zayne. And that is something I'm not sure I am ready for.
****
After having to be carried out of the bar just after six, spending the night crying my eyes out to Carver and puking up my weight in alcohol, one would think that I would lay off of the drinks for a while. And yet, the first thing I do at the start of my Sunday shift is order a shot of Fire Water. I don't yet have the stomach to try Tequila again after last night, which is usually my shot of choice.
I know that Becca has filled Jake in on my breakdown yesterday but he makes no mention of it. Instead, he spends the last thirty minutes leading up to my set talking about Becca's sister and how infuriating she can be.
While I really don't care in my present frame of mind, I appreciate that he's at least trying to talk about something other than my current predicament. I can tell that he senses his attempt at distracting me is not working, but I gotta give it to him for trying.
After two drinks, I make my way up on stage, holding my guitar for the first time since everything went down. Usually music is my go to but for whatever reason, picking up the instrument is about the last thing that crossed my mind over the course of the last two days.
As soon as I strum out the first few chords of “I Don't Wanna Love Somebody Else” by A Great Big World, I can already feel the lump forming hard and tight in my throat. And as I sing the lyrics of a song that unfortunately holds more meaning to me right now then I would like it too, I know exactly why I didn't turn to music.
It has been my way of coping for so long. A way to vent my emotions. But with that, it also forces me to feel. And right now, I feel everything. I feel the pain, the loss, the betrayal. I see the look in his eyes when he told me it was over.
My voice quivers on the last few lines but I try my damnedest to hold it together, though I am realizing very quickly that I should not be up here. I shouldn't be up on stage trying to deal with emotions that are too raw, too fresh, too painful.
I don't even realize Jake is standing at the edge of the stage until the song is over, by which time a new steady stream of tears are flowing down my cheeks. After Friday night and then again last night, I was sure I ha
d no tears left to cry. And yet, here I am, crying like a blubbering baby in the middle of a bar, on a stage in front of, thank god, only two other people and neither of which seem to be paying me any attention at all.
“Go home Grace.” Jake's tone is soft but I can tell by the look on his face that this is not a request.
“No, I can do this.” I say, taking a deep breath.
“No, you can't. This isn't a choice.” He says, reaching over to shut down my amp and unplug my mic.
“I'm terminating your employment Grace.” He says, softly enough that no one else can hear him. “Go home. Take some time to sort all this out. I know Becca mentioned maybe visiting your family for a few days. I think you should consider it.” He says, almost apologetic.
I don't try to hide my look of absolute confusion. “You're firing me?” I ask, fresh tears streaming down my face.
Stepping onto the stage, he reaches out and takes my guitar and sits it to the side before plopping down on the amp next to me. Given our height difference and how much lower the amp sits than my stool, it puts us at eye level with one another.
“We love having you here Grace but this isn't where you need to be right now. You need to realize that this place is holding you back, because it is.” He says, reaching out to take my hand.
“You're too good for this place Grace, you always have been too good for this place. Becca told me about your writing deal. Congratulations by the way.” He says, a dimple filled smile lighting up his face.
I manage a weak smile of my own. “Thank you.” I say, surprised that for the moment at least, the tears have stopped. “But I love playing here. You know that right?”
“I do.” He says. “And you are welcome back anytime. But your priority right now needs to be you. Your life, your writing. I have seen too many good people get comfortable in this environment and end up letting their dreams pass them by. I know that you're hurting right now and that life probably seems full of disappointments and trials but Grace, you're going to get through this. And eventually, you are going to be a stronger person because you did.” He pauses for a moment, giving my hand a tight squeeze.
Embrace (Two Hearts Book 2) Page 15
