Will I ever be ready to return to a city where I know Zayne is just minutes away? Where a quick drive across town would have me in the same building, even the same room as him. This is what keeps me awake at night. The knowing what I must do but not having the strength to do it.
My mom has questioned me a few times but has done little in the way of pushing me. Honestly, I think she likes having me home and is in no rush for me to leave. A part of me really does wish I could stay here forever. But then I think of Carver and Em, when she finally gets home, and I just can't bare the thought of not being with them.
I roll towards my nightstand and peer at the alarm clock on top. Just after one in the morning. While I feel like being here has helped me in a lot of ways, it hasn't helped with my insomnia. It's strange really. Up until the day that Zayne ended things, I had no trouble sleeping. Now, I'm lucky if I can manage a couple of hours a night.
It's like my brain is running a marathon and for whatever reason, can't shut down. I've tried warm milk, yoga and meditation, even counting sheep, as ridiculous as that sounds. Nothing works. Nothing calms my thoughts. Nothing can stop my mind from rehashing every memory I have made over the summer. My accomplishments, my failures, my friends, but more than anything I think about Zayne.
How it felt to be in his arms. How my heart would beat off rhythm when he would hit me with a goofy lopsided grin. The way my skin would prickle at the slightest touch. Or how one look would melt me into a puddle on the floor. Just the thought of never feeling that way again is crippling.
Flipping to my back, I let out a long exhale. “Just sleep already.” I say aloud, staring up at the dark ceiling that is still covered with little glow in the dark stars that I hung up there years ago when I was maybe thirteen or fourteen.
Deciding that sleep is not going to come anytime soon and needing a distraction, I decide to head down to the kitchen for a snack. Pushing myself off the bed, my legs wobble under my weight, clearly feeling the effects of my lack of sleep.
I tip toe out of my room and make my way to the staircase. Each step creaks as I descend but I continue to try to be as quiet as possible. Just when I reach the bottom, I hear my phone start ringing upstairs. Having not turned the ringer down, the song “Sight of the Sun” by Fun starts blaring through the silence.
Immediately my heart kicks into overdrive. That's Zayne's ring tone. I assigned it to him weeks ago, feeling like the lyrics fit perfectly to how differently he made my life feel. I still haven't gotten around to changing it, not that I really thought about it until now.
Not sure what else to do, I climb the stairs two at a time and scramble into my room just as the ringer stops and my phone signals a missed call. Holding the now silent phone in my hand, I don't know if I want to cry or throw the thing against the nearest wall and watch it shatter into pieces.
The mixture between sadness and anger is a lethal combination and leaves me unable to really sort out how I feel. On one hand, I am devastated and miss Zayne so much some days it seems impossible to even get out of bed. Others, when the anger really sets in, I want to be reckless and lash out by doing something, anything that would make him feel even an ounce of the pain that I feel at the present moment.
My heart leaps into my throat when my phone lights up and vibrates in my hand minutes later, signaling a voice mail. With shaky fingers, I press the listen button and put the phone to my ear. I hold my breath waiting to hear his voice on the other end.
Instead, what I hear are voices. Multiple voices. Some talking. Some laughing. Most of them sound like women but I can pick out a few men's voices in the crowd as well. I put my finger to my other ear to try and make out what people are saying but everything is so jumbled together.
Then I hear Zayne's name and it's without a doubt, a female voice. “Oh come on.” Her voice is high and her words so much clearer then all the other noises going on around them, which tells me that she's extremely close to him.
The anger bubbles in my throat and for a moment I almost follow through with my original plan of throwing my phone against the wall, but for whatever reason, I can't stop listening.
I hear Zayne say something, I would recognize his voice anywhere. But I can't make out his words at first. I hear rustling and the clear indication that he just pulled his phone out of his pocket. The voices around him become clearer and I know almost immediately that he must be in some kind of bar or club. But it must be at least four in the morning there. What bar stays open that late?
Before I have time to really over think it, I hear Zayne come on the line. “Grace. Grace are you there?” He asks, clearly intoxicated and obviously thinking that I called him.
He falls silent for a moment and then I can hear him say something to someone but it's muffled like he's covering the phone. I hold my breath waiting. Seconds tick by but it feels like hours. And then finally I hear him.
“Grace. I don't know if you're there but if you are. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.” His words are slurred and his voice sounds uncharacteristically thick with emotion. All the background noise is gone, which makes me think he must have stepped outside or something.
I hear a lighter and then the tell tale sign of a cigarette inhale and exhale. Since when does Zayne smoke? I guess I don't know him as well as I thought I did. Then again, I guess that shouldn't surprise me.
“Grace.” His voice breaks into the phone and I can't stop the tears that well behind my eyes, anymore than I can stop them when they overflow onto my cheeks.
“I love you.” The words are jumbled and I can't even be certain that he said what I think he just said. No, certainly not. But then he says it again. “I love you Grace. Please say something.” He says, clearly so drunk he has no idea that he's leaving a voice mail and that I am not actually on the line.
“Fuck.” He sighs and then finally the line goes dead. I'm not sure how long I stand there, holding my phone in my hand, staring at the screen as if somehow I can will him to call again.
Not being able to resist, I call my voice mail again, this time listening more closely. At one point I hear him address someone as Ashley. But no, it couldn't be that Ashley could it? Certainly he's not so heartless that he would be out with the woman he kind of cheated on me with? Then again, maybe he could be.
This time when the woman addresses him, I listen more closely, trying to see if I recognize her voice. I have only met Ashley once but I swear every detail of her is forever burned into my memory. Especially the sight of her straddled across Zayne's lap.
Sure enough, when the voice comes around this time, I am almost positive that it's her. To the point that I would just about bet my life on it. I strain my ear, trying to pick up on anything else that's going on but everything is too distorted and muffled to make out.
I listen to the entire message. Only this time when he says he loves me, I don't let myself believe it. He's drunk. He's out in the middle of the night with a woman he slept with while we were seeing each other. Clearly, only one of us is having an issue moving on and it's obviously not him.
Tossing my phone on the bed, I abandon my original plan of grabbing a snack. My appetite checked out about ten minutes ago when I realized the man that I drove half way across the country to escape, is getting along just fine without me.
Feeling vengeful and angry, I pick my phone back up and type out a quick text.
For the record, you may want to be more careful about pocket dialing people. Tell Ashley I say hello.
I hit send before I have a chance to think about it but then regret it almost immediately. It feels so immature, so juvenile, and yet, I don't know how else to deal with all the emotions I am feeling. On one hand, I want to be the bigger person and just be able to move on. On the other hand, it's impossible to do when I don't want to move on.
I want him. I want him to want me. I want him to call me for real and not be some random drunk pocket call. I want him to care enough to make sure that I am okay. Hell, I just want him to care.
<
br /> I don't expect a response, so I am not surprised when I don't get one. I consider sending him another but then decide against it. I can only take so much humiliation per night and right now, I think I have about reached my limit.
I consider texting Alec and telling him he was right and apologizing for everything, but even that is too much for me right now. I just want to escape this entire situation. I want to forget about Zayne and Alec and all the drama that is sure to be waiting for me when I finally decide to go back to New York.
I need to forget. I need a distraction. I need a rush. I click back on my phone and call the one person I know that can help me. Ian.
Chapter Twenty-Six
“You sure about this Gracie?” Ian asks from his spot beside me.
“No turning back now.” I say, turning from the edge of the cliff to look at him. “I made this jump once before and something unthinkable happened. I need to make it again. I need to prove to myself that I can do it and that nothing bad will happen this time.” I say, turning back to get the perfect view of the sun rising over the murky water.
“You know I am down baby girl. But are you really sure about this?” He asks from behind me.
“I get this enough from Alec. Can you just be the carefree, fuck it, big brother that I need right now?” I ask, turning back to face him before continuing.
“Look. I have lived through more shit than most people twice my age and I'm still here. I'm still standing. But it means nothing if I can't learn to live with the past and not be afraid of everything around me. Now would you stop making me second guess myself and just fucking jump already?” I ask, clearly annoyed.
A wide smile breaks across his face and he pushes his too long blonde hair out of his eyes. “I never thought I would see the day when precious, innocent Gracie would drop the F bomb so casually.” He laughs. “I gotta say, I like it.”
I immediately burst out in laughter but it catches in my throat when Ian gives me a wink and in two large steps, flings himself off the top of the cliff. My stomach twists into a tight knot when I hear his body hit the water but then a scream of delight reassures me that he made it down okay.
Taking a few steps back, I take several deep breathes trying to calm the rage of nerves inside of me. Ian made it look easy but then again, Ian has probably done this several times before.
I take a moment to look around me. The last time I saw Kyle alive was in this very spot. If I close my eyes, I can still see him running towards me, that boyish grin lighting up his entire face as he laughs and tosses me over his shoulder.
Opening my eyes, for a moment I swear I can see the moment we fly off the cliff, me flailing wildly in his arms. And then we're gone. I blink rapidly, realizing very quickly that this is much harder than I had originally thought it would be.
I hear Ian shouting from below but he's too far down for me to make out his words. I close my eyes again and try to focus. I see Kyle, smiling and full of charm. Emma, full of spirit and a heart like no other. My mom, my dad, my brothers. Carver and his unbelievable ability to comfort me. And then I see Zayne. The second man to hold my heart. The first one to intentionally break it.
Without another thought, I feel my feet move beneath me as I run full force towards the edge. I run until there is no ground left to run against and then I feel my body get lost in the wind. It whips around me, pulling the air from my lungs and pushing my stomach into my chest.
I hit the water within seconds, my body seizing under the cold prickles that stab my limbs. The water is much cooler than I had expected and when I reach the surface, gasping for air, my entire body is shivering.
Ian appears just feet in front of me, a look on his face that I don't quite understand. Pride maybe? Either way, I can tell that he is just as surprised as I am that I actually went through it. And even though I am freezing cold and my body is wound tight with nerves, I feel a sense of freedom that I hadn't realized I needed.
I did it. I returned to where it all began. Where my life became not mine anymore. And today.... Today, I took my life back.
****
Grace please call me. We need to talk. Please.
I delete one of many text messages that I have received from Zayne over the last couple of days and toss my phone back into the center console of my car. The messages started the morning I went to The Gulch with Ian three days ago and have not stopped since.
It's been a combination of I miss you, I can't live without you, I made a horrible mistake, please call me, so on and so forth. All of which I have successfully ignored, but doing so has been hell. I want so badly to call him, text him back, anything. But if going to Colorado and finally finding the closure I needed taught me anything, it's that I need to fight for what I deserve. And that includes fighting for a love that means as much to the other person as it does to me. Not for a man who hurts me over and over again.
As much as I am not ready to leave Zayne behind, I really don't see another option. He has proven to me time and time again that he's not the man I need. No matter how much I love him, I know that I need more. I just wish he was capable of giving me that.
“You ready?” Ian asks, breaking into my thoughts as he slides into the passenger seat of my car. He hands me my favorite road snacks, a diet soda and combos, before giving me a cheesy smile.
“I still can't believe you're coming all the way to New York with me.” I say, shaking my head at him.
“Are you kidding? I love the city, not to mention I need to pay our oldest brother a nice little visit.” He says, lounging back his seat and sliding his sunglasses into place.
“You will do no such thing.” I say, turning to glare at him once my seat belt is snapped into place. “Enough damage has been done. I need to make things right with Alec, not piss him off more.” I say, my voice coming out a bit panicked.
Ian pulls his sunglasses down and gives me a dark look, his eyes dancing across my face, registering every ounce of emotion on display. And then he does what only Ian would do. He busts out laughing.
“Oh shit. You should have seen your face. Oh damn that was priceless.” He laughs, warranting a nice hard smack across his chest from me.
“Ian, you asshole.” I scold. “Do you always have to mess with me?”
“And miss the chance to see you get so worked up... Never.” He says, laughter still vibrating through his shoulders.
“Seriously though. Leave Alec to me please.” I say, turning the ignition and putting the car into gear.
“No worries there.” He says, as I pull out of the gas station parking lot. “I don't want in the middle of that drama. We all know how crazy serious Alec can be and if you ever repeat this I'll deny the hell out of it, but our big brother scares the shit out of me.”
With that, we both break out into laughter. The conversation flows freely from there and alternates between Emma and Alec, which Ian is completely floored by and honestly a bit envious of, to what Ian has been up to all summer.
He tells me about his trip to Seattle and all the places he visited while there. He describes some of the amazing spots he found to paint and how he plans to go back again in November. As I listen to him go on and on about his work and travels, I can't help but feel a hint of jealously towards my brother.
I wish I possessed even an ounce of his artistic talent, not to mention his free spirit. He's just one of those people that everyone loves. He's funny and charming and just the right amount of each. He never takes himself or anyone else too seriously but he also knows when things require a more serious side of him. I don't realize that I have lost myself to my thoughts until Ian practically yells in my ear. “Grace. Did you hear me?” He asks, chuckling softly when I jump at his voice.
“Holy hell Gracie, where did you go?” He asks, waving his hand in front of my face.
“Sorry.” I say, smacking his hand away on a laugh.
“Your phone keeps lighting up. I think it's a call. Do you want me to answer it?” He asks, holding my phon
e up but facing the screen away from me so that I can't see who's calling.
“Nah.” I say on a shrug. “I'm sure it's nothing that can't wait.” I put my phone on silent for a reason. At least while I'm driving, I don't want to think about Zayne. Not that avoiding his calls really helps in that regard but it makes me feel the smallest bit better. I can't bring myself to give him the satisfaction of an answer.
“Well considering he's called about ten times in the last hour, I'm answering.” He says, clicking on the phone and holding it to his ear before I have a chance to stop him.
“Ian.....” I make a grab for the phone. The action causes me to swerve a bit on the road, reminding me where my focus needs to be.
“Hello.” He practically sings into the phone. “She's not able to talk right now. She's too busy ignoring your calls.” He says, giving me a thumbs up and a wide smile when I throw him an evil look.
“Ian, get off the phone.” I whisper angrily. He only smiles wider and turns his attention out the window.
“We're heading back to New York as we speak.” He says, waiting for a response on the other end before continuing. “Yeah, tagging along. Gonna try to sight see, maybe paint a little.” He says casually as if he's talking to an old friend.
“I don't know.” Another pause. “Yeah, we're somewhere in Missouri I think.” Another pause. “We'll probably stop in the next few hours and stay somewhere.” Another pause, this one much longer.
“I see.” He finally says, dropping his voice to a near whisper. “It's gonna take more than that.” I can only make out bits and pieces of what he's saying and the not knowing literally has my nerves so on edge that I am seething mad by the time he finally ends the phone call just moments later.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” I scream, ripping my phone from his hand.
He immediately burst into laughter. “For fucks sake Grace, relax would you?” He says, shaking his head at me.
Embrace (Two Hearts Book 2) Page 17
