Straight Up Love

by Lexi Ryan

  “You only have one?” I take a sip of my water and do my best to act like meeting Noah isn’t a big deal when, in truth, it’s everything.

  “Only one that matters,” she says.

  “Molly, why didn’t you tell anyone?” I look over my shoulder to where Noah is leading his trains delicately around the track. I feel like I might already know the answer, but I want to give her a chance to explain.

  She rubs her temples. “I already had this conversation with Jake, as I’m sure you know. I’m not interested in rehashing it with you. Noah is my son, and his father’s not in the picture. That’s not a big deal here. It would have been at home.”

  I open my mouth to protest, then close it again. The single mom part of Molly-and-Noah isn’t what would have been a big deal. “Okay,” I say. “I’m not here to fight.”

  She stares down into her coffee. “I know it seems crazy, but it was what I had to do at the time. And then a couple of years passed, and I had this big secret.” She shrugs without looking up at me.

  “Does Jill know about him?”

  Her eyes fill with tears, and she nods. “Yeah. But Dad doesn’t. Mom was reluctant but understood why I couldn’t tell him . . .” She winces and rubs her thumb against her first two fingers to signify money. “Grad school.”

  “Wow.” I can’t imagine Jill keeping that secret, but I have no doubt Dad would have refused to pay for Molly’s expensive graduate program if he’d known she was pregnant.

  Molly turns her face toward the living room, and the tenderness in her expression tugs at my heart. “I thought about giving him up for adoption, but when I heard his heartbeat at my first ultrasound, I knew I couldn’t do it.”

  “He’s beautiful.” I shake my head. I could just stare at the kid all day.

  She exhales heavily. “He was born not long after your wedding, which is the real reason I didn’t come home for it, and I’m sorry about that. I didn’t want everyone to see me and find out about the pregnancy. It would have changed everything.”

  I have to wonder at my own stupidity. I thought I had Molly figured out—that I knew who she was and what she was about. But “Mother Teresa” would never have kept a pregnancy from Dad. She never would have gotten pregnant to begin with, let alone had a secret child and refused to talk about his father. I’m floored by the complexity of this woman and by my own failure to see it before. I’ve always assumed she had such an easy life because she made it look easy, but that’s a bit like thinking an egg is indestructible because the shell is solid.

  She swallows hard. “I don’t regret my decisions. Only that from the outside it might look like I’m ashamed of him, when the truth is that he’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever made.”

  “And his father?”

  Laughing, she scans my face as if searching for hints that I might understand. I give her my best poker face, and she shakes her head. “I’d just found out I was pregnant the night I hooked up with Jake.”

  I blink at her. “You did? I thought you were both drunk.”

  She winces. “Not my proudest moment, Ava. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I was considering . . .” She shakes her head, as if she won’t even allow herself to speak of what she was considering when she first found out about the pregnancy. “The drinks I had that night were the only ones I had the entire nine months.”

  “You knew you were pregnant, and you hooked up with Jake? That’s ballsy.”

  “Somewhere in my panic, I thought it might work out great. I knew what he’d do if he found out I was pregnant. If I could just pretend I was having Jake Jackson’s baby, I wouldn’t have anything to worry about.”

  “Molly, you can’t lie about something like that!” The idea alone makes my stomach clench in panic. If Molly had done that, Jake and I would never have gotten together.

  “And I didn’t.” She shakes her head. “I was panicked, but I knew I couldn’t do it. He loved you so much. If I’d let him believe the child was his, he might’ve stepped up and been with me, but he never would have gotten over you. He was such a sad sap about your engagement.”

  “He was?”

  She laughs. “Oh my God, lady. That’s the whole reason he was getting shitfaced in the first place. He was broken about you. I totally took advantage of him.”

  “He was an adult who made his own decisions.”

  Her eyes crinkle in the corners as she studies me. “Sure, but he’d just taken a giant leap of faith and fallen on his face. I think if there’s ever a time a guy can get a pass for making some bad decisions, it’s then.”

  My phone buzzes in my purse, and I grab it just to make sure it’s not Ellie having some problem alone in the big city. When I see Jake’s name on the display, my heart skips a beat.

  Jake: I hope you’re having a great time and that the musical was incredible. I just wanted to let you know we got two pieces of good news today. Veronica had her baby—a little boy she named Jackson—seven pounds, and cute as a button. And Mom’s cancer is in remission. The Jacksons have a lot to celebrate tonight. Thought you’d want to know about both.

  I reread the text several times and take in big gulps of air in relief.

  “What is it?” Molly asks.

  “Mrs. Jackson is in remission.”

  She throws her hand over her mouth. “That’s wonderful. When Brayden was here, he told me how hopeful they were.”

  I nod, my elation at the good news tempered by this off feeling. I should be there celebrating with him. With the whole family.

  “So, you and Brayden . . .?”

  Molly rolls her eyes. “My superpower is getting drunk and believing I’m good enough to land a Jackson brother.” She shakes her head. “Brayden’s my boss. That’s it.”

  “But you two shared something when he was in town?”

  She smirks. “I’m easy, remember? It’s not a big deal to me.”

  “I don’t believe either of those things,” I say softly, but I’m not going to push her about Brayden. Not today, at least. I return my phone to my purse and trace the flower on the tablecloth with my fingertip. “I miss Jake.”

  “You belong with him,” she says, and when I meet her eyes, she adds, “I mean it. I’m not denying that I would’ve liked to have Jake for myself, but the fact of the matter is he’s mad about you. Always has been.”

  “It’s just that I . . .” I trace the flower again. “Jake has been there for me longer than anyone. Every time I needed someone, he was there—when Dad left, when my first boyfriend dumped me, when Harrison left.”

  She laughs. “God, Ava. For a girl as smart as you are, I’m impressed you’re stubborn enough not to see the pattern.”

  I meet her dancing blue eyes, and I can’t help it. I laugh too. “Sometimes it seems like my relationship with Jake is so one-sided. He gives and gives, and I don’t have any idea how to balance the scales.”

  “I suppose now’s not the time to suggest sexual favors.”

  I laugh and roll my eyes. “That’s not the kind of balance I was thinking.”

  “I bet you can figure something out.” She tilts her head to the side, studying me. “Do you know what he said to me that night? After he took me up to his apartment?”

  My stomach turns. “I’m not sure I want to know.”

  “It’s true we messed around, but we never had sex. I wanted to, but he pushed me away. When I reminded him you were marrying Harrison, he looked me in the eye and said, ‘I’d wait forever for Ava.’ I knew he meant it.” She shrugs. “I know you’re supposed to be the older and wiser one here, but I have to tell you I think you’re an absolute fool if you’re going to walk away from that kind of love.”

  I swallow hard. “I might be pregnant.”

  She opens her mouth, then closes it. “Does Jake know? Have you taken a test?”

  “No, and no. I took so many stupid pregnancy tests during my marriage that I think I developed a phobia. Nothing but disappointment comes from those stupid sticks.”
/>
  “But your period is late?”

  I laugh at that. “I don’t exactly have a regular schedule. Late is relative. And probably meaningless.”

  “I’m kind of jealous, you know.” Her voice is thick with emotion. “I wanted to be happy when I found out I was pregnant, but I was only terrified—terrified what everyone would think and how it was going to affect my future. I’ve always been so jealous of your ability to take what you want from life. You’re so brave, Ava.”

  “I don’t feel very brave.”

  She gives me a soft smile. “Figure out what you want with Jake before you take a test. Don’t wait to make your decision based on what’s going on in your uterus.”

  I nod, having already decided this for myself earlier this week. “I think I already know.”

  “Of course you do.” She grins. “You might be stubborn, but you’re not stupid.”

  “I love him so much it hurts. I think maybe that scares me.”

  “It only hurts because you’ve pushed him away. I’ve seen you two together. Your love doesn’t hurt. It’s like your favorite blanket. You always find each other for comfort.”

  I stare at my beautiful little sister. “Thanks, Molly.”

  “For what?”

  “For letting me in and talking to me.” I swallow hard. “For being so wise.”

  We stand and head into the living room, where I sink to my haunches and open my arms to Noah. “May I have a hug, handsome?”

  He looks at his mom, who nods once, then he crashes into me with the enthusiasm only a kid can put into a hug.

  “I’m so glad to meet you, little man,” I say, mussing his hair. “I’ll come again sometime, okay?”

  He nods and grins at me. “You’re pretty.”

  I laugh. “Thanks. You’re handsome.”

  “I know,” he says, wandering back to his trains, and Molly and I head to the door, laughing.

  “I’m glad you came,” she says as we step into the hall.

  “Me too.” I hug her. “I meant it when I said I’d come back. I want to get to know my nephew.”

  “You’re welcome any time,” she says, releasing me.

  “Molly . . .” I hesitate a beat, looking over her shoulder into the apartment where Noah is playing. “I’ll give you three months to figure out a way to tell Colton you had his baby. Any longer than that, and I’ll be forced to tell him myself.”

  “Ava, Colton isn’t . . .”

  I shake my head. “Don’t do that. Don’t pretend I can’t see the McKinley in him just because you don’t want me to. I saw the way Colton looked at you when we were teenagers. I always suspected he moved with Mom to Florida because he was afraid you’d see him as a brother if he moved in with Dad.” I draw in a long breath, bracing myself to defend my brother. “Colton might be a little wild, but he deserves to know. And it would be better for everyone if the truth came out before he puts a ring on his girlfriend’s finger.”

  “The truth?” She tilts her head to the side, studying me for a beat before she looks away. “Well, I guess you’re right about one thing. It’s time for me to figure this out.”

  Ava

  If hope alone were enough to make a baby, I’d have several dozen by now. I’ve peed on so many sticks in my life, and every single time I did it, the action carried so much desperate hope. I’ve come to loathe these stupid sticks. To me, they represent the bad news they’ve always delivered.

  I can say with utter certainty that this is the first time in my life I’ve needed to pee on a stick and been totally unsure how I feel about it. How do I feel about a possible positive result?

  I still want a baby. That is part of who I am, and it will never change. But now? Now I know I want Jake too, and I’m not sure how a baby will complicate our reunion. I want him back, and I know he’ll be a good dad, but what if he’s not ready for a child?

  I pee on the tester and set it on the counter like I’ve done dozens of times before. And as I learned to do a year into my marriage, I set a timer on my phone and walk out of the room, determined not to look at it until the alarm goes off.

  There are no three minutes longer than the three minutes you’re waiting for a pregnancy test to process. Except this time, they go too fast, and my phone is beeping at me and it’s time to go look at the results. Instead of hope turning my feet as fast as possible toward the bathroom, I’m scared.

  I’m scared of the disappointment I know I’ll feel if it’s a negative again. And I’m scared of how my relationship with Jake will change if it’s positive.

  I’m staring at the bathroom door, my arms wrapped around myself. “Is everything okay?”

  I jump. I didn’t even hear Ellie come in. I exhale slowly. “I’m taking a pregnancy test.”

  Her shoulders sag. “Finally. Oh my God, the wait’s been killing me.”

  I shake my head and look away. “I want a baby, but it’s complicated now, you know?”

  “I get it. But Jake adores you. Whatever you want out of this, wherever you want to go from here, he’ll make it happen for you. I know that without a doubt.”

  I wrap my arms around my best friend and squeeze her tight. Ever since I left Molly’s house, I’ve been carrying this guilt about knowing a secret I can’t share and bracing myself for it to rock her world. “I’m so grateful for you.”

  She rubs my back and whispers, “I’m grateful for you, too. Are you going to go look at that test now?”

  I pull back and shake my head. “It’s not going to be positive. I’m jumping the gun with this. My periods are so all over the place that it’s hard to know when to test and when to wait.”

  “So go look.”

  I nod, but I stand still and stare at her.

  She smiles. “You want me to do it for you?”

  “Yeah. I do.”

  She doesn’t skip a beat. She rushes into the bathroom and straight to the counter. She looks down at the test and freezes, staring at it.

  “What?”

  She turns to me, disappointment written across her face, and I’m not sure what that means.

  I put my hand on my stomach. “What?”

  “I’m sorry, Ava. It’s negative.”

  I squeeze my eyes shut. “Of course it is. It was stupid to think . . .” My stomach cramps. So stupid. All the fear and uncertainty from minutes ago is washed away by a rush of disappointment. It’s too much, too heavy. Before I lived it, I never understood you could grieve for a child that never was.

  I put my other hand on my belly over the first, close my eyes, and imagine what might have been. I imagine telling Jake about a baby. The joy in his eyes. He’d be an amazing father.

  When I open my eyes, Ellie’s come closer. “Are you all right?”

  “Yeah.” I swallow and look up at the ceiling. It would be really ridiculous to cry about this. “No. I’m not okay.”

  “Oh, honey.” She wraps me in a hug, and even though I feel foolish for being sad about this, I love her so much for getting it. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Me too,” I whisper.

  “Call Jake. Don’t hurt alone.”

  “I don’t know how to start.”

  “Tell him what you’re feeling. He knows you, Ava. He loves you.”

  I nod. “I will. I love him too, and I’m done waiting.”

  “Good.” When she pulls back, her eyes are full of tears. “Is there any chance you have another test?”

  I wave her off. “There’s no need. I’m sure the first one was right.”

  She bites her bottom lip. “I meant for me.”

  Jake

  “Where is she?” I left Cindy and the idiot new kid to cover the bar and rushed to my childhood home after Ava sent me a text. The old hideout is smaller than I remember. And it’s pretty lonely without you.

  Brayden points his thumb toward the backyard. “Tree fort,” he says. He laughs. “She actually knocked on the door and said she wanted to sit up there for a while. She asked if I’d mind. You two u
sed to hang out there when you were kids, didn’t you?”

  I nod, but I’m not interested in giving Brayden a history lesson right now. Ava’s here. In our place.

  That’s where she always went when she was upset and needed me.

  I run into the backyard and climb the rope ladder, making a mental note to thank Ethan for replacing it last summer. It’s been thirty minutes since I got her text, and I’m afraid I’ve missed her. I pull myself into the fort.

  She’s here.

  Thank God.

  She’s sitting in the corner in jean shorts and a Jackson Brews T-shirt, her hair in a ponytail, and her knees tucked into her chest.

  “Are you okay?” I gulp in air. I think I’ve been holding my breath since I got here.

  “I got the job in Florida,” she says.

  I nod slowly. Fuck. This isn’t what I was hoping for.

  I sit next to her—close enough that I could reach her hand if she let me, but not too close. “Congratulations.”

  She exhales slowly. “Yeah, but I don’t want it. I don’t actually want to leave Jackson Harbor.”

  Relief makes me limp, and I lean my head back against the plywood wall. “I don’t want you to leave either, but I do want you to be happy. I’m just a little selfish and want you with me.”

  She rolls her head to the side and scans my face. “Why?” The word is so heavy with emotion that it cracks. “Why do you want me?”

  I might laugh if she didn’t look so damn vulnerable. “Because I love you, Ava.”

  “Is that enough?”

  I cup her face in my hand, half expecting her to pull away. She doesn’t. “It’s enough for me.”

  “I blamed Harrison for my failed marriage, but the truth is, I was just as at fault. I wanted him to leave me because that was easier than facing the fact that I couldn’t give him children. If he left me, I wouldn’t have to confront my own failure every day. I pushed him away, and he cheated on me with a woman who could give him the family he planned for.”

  I don’t want to talk about her ex-husband right now, but I understand why she thinks it’s relevant. “Harrison was a fool, but dammit, Ava, I’m glad he left.” I roll to my knees so I’m in front of her, holding her face in both hands. “I’m glad you aren’t his anymore, because if you were, you couldn’t ever be mine. Not the way I need you.”