“Then why are you chewing on the inside of your cheek? You do that when you are thinking.” I smiled at the fact that he had picked up on that about me, “Is this about what happened in the kitchen?” He reached over and grabbed my hand.
I shook my head. “No, no that’s not it. Well, not entirely it.” It was the counter incident that brought me to this point where I’ve realized our relationship is moving towards the next level. “It’s just, that was a big step for me… a really big step. I mean, we almost… you know? When it goes further.” Crap I was rambling again. I chanced a glance up at him and saw his eyes widened in shock.
“What? Wait, Kensie, are you a… are you? Have you never?”
I started to laugh when I realized what he was trying to ask me. “No, I’m not a virgin.” Far from one.
A look of relief washed over his face as his body relaxed. “Oh okay, good. I mean if you were that wouldn’t have been a big deal. Well, it would have been, but you know I wouldn’t have minded. Actually, I kinda like the thought of me being the only one to touch you.” He grinned proudly to himself as he thought about that, and my stomach did a somersault making me ill. How was I going to tell him that not only was he not my first, but many, many guys had touched me before him? I cringed at the reality of it all. I summoned one deep breath and any amount of courage I had within me.
“I’m so sorry, August.” A stray tear fell from my eye.
“Hey, it’s okay, Kensie. Whatever it is, it’s okay.” He squeezed my hand and smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes.
A steady sprinkle of rain had begun to dot the windows as we sat there in his truck. I stared at it quietly watching it splatter. “I lost my virginity when I was fifteen.” There was no going back at that point. “I lost it to a boy I dated for six months. Then a week after he broke up with me, I slept with his best friend in the back of a car. A few weeks after that there was another one at a party. That was only the beginning. I slept with a lot of guys throughout my four years in high school. Except for the first time, none of them were relationships. None of them were planned or thought through. None of them were special. I don’t know how many I slept with in all. I stopped counting after twelve because it was easier to not keep track.”
I thought about looking up at him to gauge his reaction, but I couldn’t will myself to do it. I didn’t want to see the look of disgust that I knew was on his face. “I’ve thought about it a lot since then.” His hand gave me an encouraging squeeze. “High School was a really rough time for me. My relationship with my dad crumbled. We completely disconnected. I felt lost and, I felt abandoned I guess. I was plagued with thoughts about what I did to make him leave, and what I could do to bring him back. I constantly compared myself to his kids, and always found myself not measuring up.”
The rain outside had begun to pick up and the drops were audible pitter pats on the truck. They perfectly reflected to erratic pace of my heartbeat. “The only time I ever stopped thinking, or stopped worrying, and stopped….feeling, was when I was with someone. It became my escape, an addiction.” I scoffed at my realization. “I was addicted to sex at fifteen.” I grimaced inside. I was disgusting.
My tears flowed freely now along with the rain on the truck. I went to pull my hand away from August’s to wipe my tears and he let me. My heart broke. I looked over at him and shattered at what I saw in the glow of the streetlight. He worried his lower lip between his teeth and his eyebrows were furrowed together. “What are you thinking?” I asked.
“What made you change? You said that was how you were in high school, so when did you stop?” Now I understood the look of concern on his face and hoped my answer would be enough.
It was graduation night. I went to a party with my friend Chelsea.
“You look hot!” Chelsea yelled above the music at me. She was my sidekick these last four years.
“Thanks!” I yelled back at her. I had to agree. I looked pretty good in my red mini dress I bought with the money dad sent me to use on a graduation dress. It’s a good thing he didn’t make it to my ceremony today to see that I was wearing the same one I wore to his wedding. I tried to act like I didn’t care that he wasn’t there, but I did. What kind of father doesn’t go to his kid’s graduation? I didn’t even know he wasn’t there until I found my mom in the crowd after. The sympathetic look on her face said it all.
Apparently he had been running late at work and got stuck in traffic. He went home to shower and get ready for my stepsister, Bethany’s, graduation that was being held later that night instead of coming to see mine.
“Let’s go find the garage. Someone said that’s where the kegs are.” Chelsea hollered and grabbed my hand pulling me through the crowd.
“She was my partner in crime.” I told August. Looking back we were really unhealthy for each other. She never told be to stop when I should have and I never told her either. That night I wish she had stopped me, I wish I had stopped myself. I was so set on forgetting the day. I usually drank, that was part of the reason why it was so easy for me to get lost in the sex, but that night I went overboard.
Chelsea had gone in to talk with my ex and his friends. I stayed behind and sat on the couch sandwiched between Matt and Jase in a satisfyingly numb state. Jase took a swig of his beer and leaned over snapping his fingers in front of my face. I lazily looked up towards him. “You should take Kensie back to one of the rooms.” He told Matt. “Yeah? She down for that?” Matt asked. They were talking around me like I wasn’t even there. I didn’t care though. I wasn’t there.
“She’s always down,” Jase said. “Hooked up a few weeks ago with her at Jen’s house and Danny said he did last month after the game. She won’t even nag you after about calling her and shit. She’s cool like that.” Cool like that, is that what I was to them? Cool? I doubted it, but again, I didn’t care. Matt shrugged his shoulders and grabbed my hand pulling me up from the couch. I followed him unsteadily towards the back of the house.
The rain was heavy outside now, covering August’s truck in a blanket of water. I wondered if that’s why he hadn’t left me yet, because he was waiting for the rain to die down. “So you slept with him I take it?” August asked flatly. Not a hint of emotion in his voice. I sucked in a breath trying to ease my aching heart.
“Yeah, I did. I didn’t remember any of it though. That was scary. I always remembered whom I slept with, using protection, getting dressed, and leaving. I always remembered. I didn’t remember that night though. I just woke up the next morning without knowing what I had done.
I cringed my closed eyes and rubbed my palms over them. I usually felt like shit, but that morning I was feeling extra shitty. I opened one eye and looked around freezing when I didn’t recognize where I was. I sat up quickly and my head spun causing me to feel like I was going to be sick. I took a few breaths and looked around again. Matt from my calculus class was lying next to me sprawled out on his back and snoring. Shit. I shoved him.“Matt.” he snuffed a grunt and rolled over. “Matt.” I shoved him harder that time.
”What?” He asked irritated.
“Did you we use a condom?”
“Fuck, I don’t know.”
I panicked. This was not happening. I always used protection. “I don’t know…” I whispered to myself.
“Oh great. Now I have to go get checked for gonorrhea and chlamydia and all that shit don’t I?” He grumbled as he sat up and put his shirt back on.
“I don’t have any STD’s, you asshole.”
“How do you know? You get around enough.” That hurt. He was right though.
“I always use protection.” I bit back at him. He finished getting dressed and stood up stretching his arms above his head.
“So, you wanna go get coffee or something. How does this normally work with you?” Was he for real? How did this normally work for me? He managed to make me feel like a third class hooker in a matter of minutes.
“Just go.” I muttered at him still wrapped up in the sheet. N
o way was I letting he see me naked.
“Yeah, okay. Later, Kensie.” And with that he walked out the door. I sat huddled on someone’s bed in a stranger’s house naked in more ways than one. I had resorted to this behavior to forget how I felt, and at that moment I didn’t think I could have possibly felt more alone.
“So after I left the house, which turned out to be Jase’s, I went to the drugstore and got the morning after pill to make sure I didn’t get pregnant. That afternoon I made an appointment with my doctor to get tested for STD’s too. I spent the whole day trying to fix what I had done, and as I sat there waiting for my prescription I realized I wasn’t really fixing anything. That I was so completely messed up inside. I didn’t want to be that girl I had turned myself into anymore. I wanted to be worth something. That day I vowed to not sleep with anyone again until I was in a serious, committed relationship. I stopped drinking because the alcohol aided me in letting go. For the first time in years, I didn’t want to let go. I wanted full control.” I looked out the window at the rain that was lightening up.
“You really scared yourself that night.” August said. I just nodded my head while looking down at my hands that were tangled nervously together. I felt lighter though; relieved that I finally told him. Now I had to prepare for what he had to say to me.
“Come here.” He said to softly to me.
“What?” I wiped my damp face with the back of my hand and looked at him confused.
“Come here, Kensie.” He said with more force, grabbing my arms and pulling me across the center console onto his lap. I went willingly and listlessly straddled him.
“I understand if you don’t want to be with me anymore. I wouldn’t blame you for being disgusted by me.” Though I sat so intimately close to him, I still couldn’t look him in the eye.
“Why would you think that?” August asked. I shrugged my shoulders and shook with silent tears that were picking up speed again.
“Kensie, look at me.” He tilted my chin up with his hand. He brought up his other hand and cupped my face in them forcing me to look into his eyes. “I’m shocked. I’m shocked that the woman I see now who is confidant, and funny, and smart, was at that place once in her life.” I hiccupped on a sob. “And I’m angry.” He continued, “I’m angry that you had to go through that, that the feelings your dad’s absence put in you drove you to need that kind of distraction. I feel helpless that I wasn’t there for you then, and that you have those memories now. I feel sad, sad for my beautiful girl that had to experience that.”
I fell into his chest and continued to cry. “What I definitely do not feel is disgust, Kensie. I am so in awe of you. You’ve turned your life around in such a short amount of time and are the most amazing woman I have ever met.” I sobbed in relief. He didn’t find me disgusting. He still cared about me. “Thank you.” He said while stroking my hair as my tears slowed down. “Thank you for telling me that. I want you to know that you can share everything about you with me. I want to know it all because I want to know the girl I am falling for. You can trust me, Kensie. Always. I’m not going anywhere.” He kissed the top of my head. “And I’m really pissed at the fuckers that took advantage of you. So mad, I’d like to beat the ever living shit out of them.” He said the last part in a heated growl.
I pulled up and looked into brown blazing eyes. “But what about, what about...” Oh God, I didn’t know how to ask him.“ What about how many?”
He placed his finger over my lips. “All I care about is that I am the only one now.” He removed his finger and gave me a sweet gentle kiss sliding his tongue in briefly. “And that I am the only one from now on.” I smiled and nodded my head up and down.
“That’s why I wanted to tell you, why you needed to know. You’re the only person I want to be with.”
He smiled at me and leaned his forehead against mine. “You’re it for me, Kensie.” I laughed because I didn’t know what else to do. He was it for me too.
Chapter 14
August gave me a few minutes in the truck to clean myself up before we went into Tommy’s to catch up with the rest of the group. We had been out there a while, but Lennon knew August and I had some talking to do, so I’m sure she was the one to make sure we had our privacy.
I hadn’t opened myself up like that to anyone since that night. Capri and Lennon knew minor details, but I had never told anyone the whole story. I think not talking about it was my way of leaving it in the past and moving on. I’d realized keeping it in, did just the opposite. My shame had become a poison, eating my value away from the inside, and feeding me lies that I wasn’t worthy. August was my anecdote. I was healed the moment I set the shame free, and he cared anyway.
“There they are?” Lennon shouted to the group as we took our seats at the table. “I hope you two just made me an aunt!” August froze next to me. Yeah, I wasn’t ready for that either buddy. I rolled my eyes at Lennon as she gave me a playful smirk that morphed into an unspoken question. I nodded my head letting out a relived breath. She grabbed my hand and gave it an encouraging squeeze under the table.
“It’s about time.” Wes grumbled from where he sat on the opposite side of Lennon.
“What’s the matter with him?” I asked her.
“He’s pissed he didn’t get made into a Wes sandwich. He wanted to sit between Capri and Tanner, but she wouldn’t let him.” That explained the pouting. He was going to have to work harder than that of he wanted a shot with Capri.
“C’mon, let’s go get some drinks dude.” August patted Wes on the shoulder noticing the pity party too. That was August, always looking out for everyone and taking care of what was his. “Want anything, pretty girl?” His whisper tickled my neck sending shivers down my spine.
“Just a coke, please.” I smiled up at him before he kissed me on the lips softly and turning towards the bar with a grumbling Wes behind him.
“So, when’s Milo up?” I turned towards Lennon who was scanning the crowd. The low-key space was considerably more packed than usual. On a normal night, the small hazy bar was speckled with small groups of friends, but tonight it was wall-to-wall leading me to believe Lennon’s friend was a legit musician.
“Should be any minute,” she answered. “I went back to see him a little while ago and wish him luck.” I didn’t miss the blush that she tried to hide from me by turning away. I don’t think I’d ever seen Lennon blush. Not even the night she tore a hole in her black skinny jeans from droppin’ like it was hot. Where my blush came on like a wild fire across my whole face, hers just tinted her soft ivory cheeks.
A trickle of clapping began and grew into a healthy applause as Milo took the stage. I looked around for August and caught sight of him already looking at me from the bar. He smiled at me while Wes ranted on. It looked like they would still be a while.
Milo cleared his throat bringing my attention back up to the small stage. He welcomed the crowd and joked with them while his eyes scanned the mass of people. They stopped abruptly when he spotted Lennon and he smiled with a lick of his lips. “Whoa.” I whispered to Lennon, “I think he just eye fucked you a little.”
When she didn’t respond I looked over at her and saw that the dainty blush from her cheeks could now rival my wild fire one. “Ummm,” I laughed.
“Drop it, Kensie,” Lennon clipped back. I guess Milo was off limits for now. I could respect that, but I wouldn’t keep quiet for long. Even though he wasn’t’ my type, I’d be blind to not see how attractive he was. He had dirty blonde dreads that were tied back at the nape of his neck. I couldn’t see the color of his eyes from where we sat, but I could see a slight slant to the shape of them. His black t-shirt clung to his body in places where he was already beginning to sweat, and it was clear he worked out.
He was tall, but not quite as tall as August…August? August stood to the side of the stage saying something to Milo who bent down from his stool towards him. Milo nodded his head and laughed at something August said before sitting back up to read
just his guitar. I hadn’t realized August knew Milo, but I hadn’t met anyone he knew outside of our group either.
My eyes traced August as he weaved his way through the crowd back towards our table. I caught sight of several girls glance back at him as he strode passed, completely oblivious to the attention he drew. He looked especially gorgeous tonight in a plaid shirt paired with dark wash jeans. He was steadily carrying a beer in one hand and my Coke in another.
“I’m going to start off with a request. I don’t usually do this, but seeing as this is a friend of a…friend.” Milo’s rasped voice stumbled over the word friend. He cleared his throat again, and began to strum a tune. I knew instantly what song he had begun to play, and my heart swelled.
Milo’s sultry voice sang out the first few lines of Dave Matthews, Crush when August’s hand appeared in front of me. “Dance with me?” He asked even though he didn’t have to. I’d take his hand anywhere.
He led me to the tiny dance floor that didn’t actually have anyone dancing on it, but instead people watched Milo put his own blue grass twist to my favorite song. August pulled me close wrapping me in his arms. I nuzzled my head into his chest and let him lead me in a soft sway to the music. He didn’t say a word to me, and I didn’t utter one to him. We didn’t need words in this moment. Being close to one another was all I needed from him. Just to be held.
August brushed his hands up and down my back letting his head lean against mine silently giving me the comfort he knew I needed. His arms told tales of our happily ever after. I imagined us just like this, wrapped up in each other and dancing on our wedding day.
Milo was midway through the song when I noticed we were no longer the only couple dancing. “Look what we started,” I said up to August, but he had stopped swaying and was staring at the bar.
Truth In Wildflowers Page 15
