“This is just pathetic.” Wes said leaning against August’s open front door with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist.
“How long have you been standing there?” I asked both relieved, and irritated that he was in the house I was locked out of. “And where are your clothes?” This matter seems more pressing.
“Here? In this doorway, about five minutes, but I watched you through that front window,” he pointed to the window that was just behind the planter, “for about ten minutes or so.” He watched me and my temper tantrum the entire time? How embarrassing. “And my clothes are in the wash. Some newbie upchucked all over me at the shop.”
“You watched me?” I asked nervous about seeming a bit unstable at the moment, although, he completely enabled my outburst. He could have let me in and stopped my tirade and any minute, but didn’t. “Did you even think to let me in?”
“I did.” He nodded like it was no big deal. “But you are really entertaining when you’re raging.” He turned and walked into the house.
“Gee, thanks.” I said to myself agitated with him. I leaned down to pick up my bag and followed in behind him.
“I couldn’t wait to see what you would do next. “ He said loudly padding into the kitchen. “You just kept going, rock after rock.” I heard the refrigerator door open. “That shit was impressive. And your cussing,” he walked back into the living room with taking a bite from an apple. “Your creativity is top notch. I mean, you called a rock a Ho-waffle. I admire that.” He mumbled behind his full mouth.
“At least I’ve got that going for me.” I rolled my eyes and tossed my bag next to the front door. I staggered over to August’s couch and fell face first onto it.
“I have mints in my car if you still wanna make out?” Seriously? I willed my head to the side and glared at him.
“I don’t wanna make out with you, Wes.” He shrugged and sat down at the desk turning towards the computer. “Your loss. I taught August everything he knows.” I giggled to myself a little and watched him as he looked over his shoulder at me and grinned.
“What are you doing over there anyway?” I asked him not anymore motivated to move.
“Just looking up some stuff to sketch for some sessions next week.” He said taking another bite of his apple. “This Pinterest thing is like crack.”
“You’re on Pinterest?” I laughed and pushed myself up. Tired or not, this I had to see.
“Yeah, this chick said she pinned the tat she wanted, so I jumped on to check it out real quick. Next thing you know I’m looking at beards, then fedoras, then mint green high top Chucks, and now I’m looking at weddings.” I leaned over his shoulder to take a look. “Why am I looking at weddings?” He looked at me mystified. I couldn’t answer him. Pinterest did the same thing to me every time.
“Wow, did they have an In N Out food truck at their reception?” I pointed to the picture on the screen.
“Badass, right? And look, the dudes wore superhero shirts under their tuxes.” He clicked on another picture. “Such a cool wedding. I call dibs on Silver Surfer at your wedding.” He turned quickly to look at me. “Tell August I have dibs.” I nodded my head to reassure him, grinning at his reference to a wedding for August and I. It was the ultimate stamp of approval from his best friend. That, or he just wanted to wear a superhero shirt under a tux.
After Pinning his heart out, Wes brought out some of his sketches for tattoos he was working on. He and I sat Indian style around August’s coffee table that was already strewn with colored pencils and sketch paper. He asked me if I wanted to help him color them in so he could give his customers some options. I think he caught onto how mopey I was, and how often I was checking my phone for missed alerts from August. Jumping from the couch toward the door when I heard a car door outside didn’t help either. Peering through the peephole I saw it was a neighbor, and that’s when Wes waved me over to the table.
“So you wanna talk about what’s got you down?” Wes asked not taking his eyes off the sketch he was working on. I, on the other hand, stopped coloring the koi fish he had given me and tilted my head at him. “What do you mean?”
“You’ve colored almost every picture I’ve given you in shades of black and grey.” I twisted my face and looked down at the pile of sketches I had been coloring. He was right, even when I had used color is was dark and depressing like oxblood and navy. “Huh.”
“So, we talkin’?” He asked again still not looking up at me.
“It’s nothing. I had a lousy day.”
“And now August is late getting home, and you haven’t heard from him.” He said putting his pencil down and looking across the table at me. I averted my eyes from him.
“There’s that too. I wanted him here so I could maybe talk to him about it.” I shrugged and went back to my coloring. I didn’t typically talk about things that bothered me and instead tried to work through them on my own, so him no being here struck a nerve with me. I tried to not be mad at him because he had no idea that I needed him, but I was growing more and more frustrated over not hearing a word from him yet.
“Lay it on me.” He said and went back to his sketching. I thought about not bothering him with it all, but quickly decided that I couldn’t let it fester. There wasn’t anywhere for me to dance out my frustration so if Wes was kind enough to listen, then I was going to take him up on it. “Tell me about this awful day so you can start giving my customers some color in their tats.” He waved his hand towards him inviting me to speak up.
I didn’t hesitate to fill him in on my horrible day start to finish. I blubbered on and on, and Wes simply listened nodding at all appropriate places. He never spoke to offer advice or solutions. I wouldn’t have ever pegged him for being such a great listener. “Damn, sounds like your day was a healthy dose of bullshit with a side of what the fuck.” I did, however, count on the fact that he would lighten the weight the day had placed on me.
I laughed, “I really could have done without the what the fuck.”
He shook his head and laughed with me. “No joke. That shit’s gonna piss August off though. He’s all sorts of protective over you.”
“He is?” I put my pencil down and leaned back against the chair behind me folding my arms over my knees. I knew how August felt about me, but I had never witnessed him being protective over me. He seemed to let me take care of myself, and I liked that. The thought of him all caveman, though, peaked my interest.
“Yeah, that first night we saw you at Tommy’s some dude tried to dance with you,” I nodded remembering that guy. He was attractive, but I hadn’t been interested. “And the second he left the dance floor, he came back up to the bar and said something to one of his buddies about you being a tease.” I gasped but Wes put his hand up motioning for me to hear the rest. “Next thing you know August’s fists were gripping this dude’s shirt. I don’t know what he said, but dude looked scared shitless. Just nodded his head and when August let him go, he took off.”
I probably should have been a little upset at being called a tease, and maybe shocked that August nearly physically assaulted someone for me, but I wasn’t. He stood up for me before he even really knew me, I couldn’t be anything but grateful to have him in my corner now.
I smiled proudly. “That’s my man.” I told Wes and he threw his head back and barked out a laugh.
“He is.” He said and smiled to himself. “You make him really happy, Kensie.” He said more serious then. “You’ve come along and brought him back to life.” I sat up straight at Wes’s choice of words. I was confused by what he meant. The August I knew was happy, independent, and determined. Nothing I knew of him suggested that I had come along and caused any profound changes in his life.
I leaned forward and was about to ask Wes what he meant when he spoke up looking back down at his sketches again. “Don’t overthink it, Kensie. You guys are lucky to have each other. Some people spend their whole lives looking for what you two have.”
I settled back dow
n against the chair behind me. He was right; we were happy, really happy. We were in love.
“Uh, Kensie.” Wes said almost painfully with one of the sketches I had colored in his hand. He ran the other hand through his hair and winced. “You made this rose look like a vagina.”
“What?” I sputtered in shock and half laughed. I reached out and yanked the drawing from him. “It’s a rose. I don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s not my fault you can’t get the female anatomy off your brain.”
“No, look you colored the inside of the rose a different color than the rest.” He pointed down to where I had used a dark violet color on the otherwise red rose.
“I was shading.” I said a bit defensive over my artistic expression.
“Well, you gave the rose a labia. Shade with a more similar color next time. No one wants a vagina on their shoulder.”
I laughed at him and tossed the drawing before it fluttered back onto the table. So maybe I wasn’t an artist, but I was good with kids. I’d been thinking a lot lately about a possible career working with kids. I was looking forward to discussing my plans with August.
I stood up and went toward my bag to take out my phone. I wasn’t going to sit here all night waiting for him. I pulled the phone out of my bag and sent him a text, encouraging myself to be more proactive in my life.
Me: Will you be home soon?
I didn’t say anything else. I thought about telling him that I needed to talk to him, but I didn’t really. I didn’t need him, but I wanted him here to talk to. I had no doubt that if I told him I needed him here with me now, he’d drop whatever he was doing and come home. But, I was okay right now. Wes was doing a good job of distracting me.
He’d surprised me tonight. The time we were spending together allowed me to see that he wasn’t only a big goofball, but a genuinely good guy. I could see why he and August were such good friends for so long. They really did take care of each other, and that reminded me of the girl we ran into last night at Tommy’s.
“Hey, can I ask you something?”
“Shoot.” Wes said scribbling away with one pencil and another one placed behind his ear.
“That girl last night,” I started and Wes paused but didn’t take his eyes of his paper, “Who was she?” I had been thinking about her off and on since last night. They obviously knew who she was, she even seemed like she somehow knew about me. I meant to ask August last night, but got swept up in the moment with him.
Wes looked up at me and twirled his pencil between his fingers, “Who was she?” He repeated what I asked.
“Yeah, you guys knew her, and she said she knew who I was. She seemed interested in August too. Too interested. Should I be worried?” I cringed at my question. I hated that I even felt like I needed to ask him that. Of course I didn’t need to worry. Even if she was all over August, he didn’t reciprocate. And I’m pretty sure I made myself clear. If I were her, I wouldn’t mess with me again. “Never mind.” I said shaking my head. “I’m being silly.”
Wes put down his pencil and pouted his mouth in a look of sympathy. Great, he thought I was being silly too. “She’s just an old friend. You don’t have anything to worry about. Everything August does is for you. Remember that, kay?” Weird.
“Okay.” I thought back to last night and how he removed her every time she touched him, and how he took me out of the bar when I got too upset with her. Wes was right. August always looked out for me. I had nothing to worry about, and I was being silly for even thinking about it.
* * *
Wes left sometime around ten thirty. He stayed so I wouldn’t be alone waiting up for August, but I could tell he was tired. Well, it was obvious when he passed out on his last sketch of a mermaid and drooled all over her tail. I woke him up and assured him I would be fine. He nodded his head at me and mumbled something unintelligible before sweeping up all his sketches in a messy pile and stumbled out of the house.
Locking the door behind him, I peered out the window to make sure the chilly air woke Wes enough to drive home. When music loud enough to rattle the window frame blared, and Wes bobbed his head with furious intent, I knew he was fine.
A ping on my phone alerted me to a message. I glared down at my bag that lied inches from where I stood. If it was August, I’d be both happy to finally hear from him and angry it took this long to finally hear from him. I reached down and pulled the phone out of my bag and sighed when I saw the message.
Humpty: I’m sorry. I didn’t plan on being this late. I’ll be home soon. Can’t wait to see you.
I tossed the phone back into my bag without replying. I’m not sure if I had a right to be mad being that I also hadn’t messaged him all day, but I was. If I hadn’t been so tired I would have just gone back to my dorm. Instead, I turned on his TV and laid on the couch.
I turned on some show about people who had costume fetishes. Odd. Creepy. Sometime after one couple went to a bed and breakfast dressed up as giant Teddy bears, I zoned out. The weight of the day began to take a toll and catch up to me. I laid my head back on the pillow and stared up at the ceiling.
I don’t think I would ever be able to put into words the kind of pain someone feels when they are abandoned by a parent. The hurt he instilled in me long ago created a chasm within me. I can’t pinpoint a time when the pain was ever greater than a time before, but instead it has just always been a constant in me. Slowly over time it eroded, leaving me a hollow and empty shell.
Staring at the family photos today I knew I should have been broken, but I was just the same as I’ve always been. Not one single moment in time has hurt me, but the hours mixed into days, mixed into years…hurt. Somewhere along the way I learned to accept it as a part of my life. I even made excuses for the way things were. I was too independent, I was always closer to my mom anyway, but in the end I just hurt.
I got up to grab a box of tissues when my breathing became stuffy and my eyesight blurry. I picked up my bag on the way, figuring I might as well put my stuff in the bedroom. I halted in the doorway of August’s room rethinking my sleeping arrangements. I wasn’t sleeping in here with him tonight, and frankly I didn’t want my stuff in there either. I needed to distance myself, even if it was only with material objects.
I turned around and went across the hall to the only other bedroom in the house. I opened the door and gawked in semi horror. August’s guest room was yellow; don’t forget your sunglasses yellow. I’m sure I’d wake up with a tan after a night in here. A tiny twin bed sat against the far wall, but I couldn’t imagine anyone actually getting any sleep in here. Maybe that was the purpose, to make sure Wes didn’t overstay.
Taking the box of tissues I found on the bathroom counter, I went back to curl up on the couch. I pulled my knees into my chest to resume my trip down pity lane.
It made me nauseous. I lived a lie believing I was the only one for Nolan, just as he had been for me. The days I kissed him, he wasn’t only kissing me. When he pulled away he made me believe it was because I was too clingy. I believed him. I trusted him. I trusted both of them. This was why I couldn’t trust myself to lean on people. I always chose wrong. I somehow always ended up alone in the end.
I lie there on the couch and cried, for a long time. It felt good to let it all out, but at the same time it felt completely isolating. I really wish August had been there with me. I really did need him. To hold me, to listen, but he wasn’t.
A while later I was awakened by soft kisses down the side of my cheek. I sighed, inhaling his clean scent and rolled toward him, but felt myself slip just before he caught me.
“Come to bed.” He whispered and continued to pepper me with kisses. I must have fallen asleep on the couch waiting up for him. I groaned in irritation thinking about how late I had stayed up.
“No.” I mumbled and rolled back over to face the couch cushions. Then I felt his arms reach under me as he prepared to pick me up. I swatted his arms away from me. “No. Mad.” I mumbled again.
He
sighed and I felt the seat dip in next to me. “I’m sorry. I should have called.”
“Hmmhmm.”
“I didn’t expect to be so busy today. I would have much rather have been here with you.” I felt his hand trail lightly across my arm and I batted him away again. He chuckled a little at me that time. “Still mad?”
“Hmmm.”
He sighed again. “I’m sorry. Outside of letting time get away from me and being an asshole, I don’t have a good excuse. You were on my mind all day though, and I couldn’t wait to get home to you.”
“Sleeping,” was all I mumbled to him. Truthfully, I was letting him sweet talk his way into my good graces, but I didn’t want to talk to him about it when I was half asleep.
“Come to bed with me.” He asked softly. “Please.” He almost begged. I couldn’t though. I wanted him to know how much he had hurt me, and I wasn’t going to give in.
“No.” I mumbled again and snuggled down into the throw pillow I was laying on.
He sighed again. “Okay.” And I felt him leave the couch. I listened to him walk down the hallway towards his room and immediately felt empty. I wanted him with me even when I was upset with him. Maybe I should have just gone in there with him. I still wouldn’t talk to him until the morning, but at least I’d get a good night sleep. As silly as it sounded though, I didn’t want my first night in August’s bed to be like this. I didn’t want to start off sleeping back to back and not talking. So until we had talked about the day, I’d stay put on his couch.
I snuggled myself back into the pillow when I heard the sound of his bare feet padding down the hallway. I followed his steps all the way up until they stopped beside me. A heavy quilt gently fell across my body, and the couch sank in next to me. He laid down next me. I opened one eye and saw his long eyelashes flutter closed inches from my face. “What are you doing?”
“I’m sleeping with you.” He said and climbed over me to the other side closest to the back of the couch. “That’s better.”
Truth In Wildflowers Page 18
