“So, what is it you just decided you want to do?” He asked cutting away at his turkey with his brows furrowed. He didn’t look very confidant in me at the moment, but I’d hoped he would be when I finished telling him about it.
I told him all about S.Y.C., and about the girls in the class I was teaching. I felt so much pride in filling him in on all the details of the great things the center was doing for these kids, and how I was helping with it. “I have always been most interested in my psychology classes,” I told my dad finally taking a bite of my dinner. “It just took finding this job to help me put the pieces together.” I said around my food, watching him eat away at his plate, but not really making any eye contact with me.
“You know,” he said looking up and pointing his fork towards Bethany next to me, “Bethany is going to be a teacher. Maybe she could fill you in on the program and give you some pointers.” He said before taking another bite. I stared at him dumbfounded. Had he just missed the whole part where I told him about the youth center and how passionate I was about working in a place like it? Or maybe it was the part about me that he missed, that this was about me and not Bethany.
“I’d love to help you out.” Bethany said enthusiastically next to me. I tried to smile at her, but it came out as more of a grimace.
“That’s okay,” I said within my tight smile, “I’m actually pretty certain that I’m gonna to stick with this.”
“What are the benefits like working at a place like this youth center?” My dad asked me, “And job stability? You know teachers have great benefits and job stability, right Bethy?” He smiled affectionately at her when he used his special nickname he had given her. I realized then that my choice was not going to be enough for him, and made the decision to keep quiet rather than defend myself. If he couldn’t or didn’t want to understand it, then I didn’t want to explain it anymore. Another piece of my heart chipped away.
I picked at my dinner the rest of the meal while everyone chatted with each other. They talked about school and work. Both topics I had no knowledge of when it came to them. At one point, they even brought up what a great time they had at the family reunion with no mention of my absence.
I watched as they laughed together and finished each other’s sentences reminiscing over that weekend they spent with my family. They smiled adoringly at one another and teased each other. I suddenly felt like I was watching from the outside looking in. They had become the happy family in a holiday commercial, and I was simply watching it on the television set alone.
This was how things had always been, so I shouldn’t have felt so left out but I did. I was hopeful to find a new place for myself in this family, but sitting there watching them all fit seamlessly together I realized I was the piece that belonged to another puzzle. Still, he was my dad, I was his daughter, and I didn’t fit. Another shard of my heart crumbled.
I stood up slowly and walked toward the bathroom. They hadn’t even noticed when I left the table. I shut the bathroom door behind me and leaned against it letting go, and let the tears fall.
What I had hoped would the turning of a new leaf in my relationship with my dad had turned out to be nothing but heartbreak. I was still unwanted. I reached into my back pocket and pulled out the letter August had written me. I needed it. I needed him. I sat down on the toilet and sniffled. I opened up the letter and instantly felt comforted by his handwriting alone.
Truth, I love you.
Truth, I will always favor you over the red gummy bears. Don’t be jealous.
Truth, meeting you has made me a better person. You inspire me with your determination and heart.
Truth, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you.
Truth, you are braver and stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Truth, you are the greatest dancer EVER!
Truth, you are brilliant.
Truth, I had forgotten how to live, but then I met you. I didn’t know what true love was, but then I met you. I couldn’t see past today into my future. Then I met you. You are my future.
Truth, you are my wildflower.
I sobbed, I hiccupped, I laughed, and I inhaled. I took a deep breath and felt August with me. I felt his support, I felt his strength, and I felt his love for me. I don’t know why I deserved him, but I do know I will never take a day with him for granted.
I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror. I traced one of the remaining tears down my face and smiled. August had given me tears of joy where there once had been tears of sorrow. I folded up my letter and kissed it before putting it back into my pocket.
I walked out of the bathroom and peaked into the dining room on my way toward the front door. I thought briefly about going back to my place at the table, but then I stopped and watched my dad interact with his family. I saw him get up momentarily from the table and walk into the kitchen.
Still, no one had commented on where I had gone. When my dad came back, he had the wishbone from the turkey in his hand. I grinned remembering our tradition from when I was a kid.
Every Thanksgiving my dad would save the wishbone until after we finished dinner, then he would walk over to wherever I sat at the table and kneel down next to me. He’d hold out the wishbone hanging onto one side as I grabbed the other. Then he’d say, ‘Who needs luck, when I’ve got you.’ just before I pulled on the bone.
I stepped into the dining room, but halted when I saw my dad kneel down by Bethany. My blood ran cold, don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it. Then, he said it. He held the wishbone out to Bethany and said, “Who needs luck, when I’ve got my beautiful family.”
I turned on my heel and bolted out of the living. I ran out of the house so quickly I didn’t even know if I shut the red door. The chill of the air brushing swiftly across my face as I ran to my car, was a welcome reminder that this was real, and that reality could be cold.
I stopped at my car and fumbled with the keys dropping them once before I finally got in. I left without taking a second glance at the house. I saw the blur of red retreat out of the corner of my eye and realized I had in fact closed the door.
* * *
I drove quickly and mindlessly towards home. I probably wasn’t in any condition to drive, but I was on autopilot, and my one direction was to get away from my dad’s house. My vision was clouded the entire drive back, but not from tears. In fact, I didn’t cry a single tear on the way home. I breathed unevenly with sporadic deep breaths woven between tiny pants, but I didn’t cry.
My mind was blurred from hurt wanting to rationalize the pain, and wanting to forget it all at the same time. I didn’t even notice how I ended up parked in front of the youth center, but it was the perfect place for me to end up.
After punching in the code on the alarm keypad I let myself in, but didn’t bother turning any of the lights off. I walked through the dark musty scented hallways and felt more at home than I had the whole day. I slipped my key into the lock of my classroom door and hurried in shutting the door behind me. I propped my hand against the frame and breathed a sigh of relief. I didn’t have any of my dance shoes or clothes, but that didn’t matter.
I sat down against the door and unzipped my boots setting them aside. An eerie sense of calm washed over me with the only sign of my anguish coming in gentle breezes. I’d be silly to think I was feeling better though. The moment of peace was just the eye of the storm. What was to come next would rival the storm surge I had felt on my way here.
I cued up the music on my iPod and walked to the middle of the room shaking out my legs and arms. The song began slowly with only piano notes and I rolled my head reaching my arm out in one direction while stretching my leg out in the other. I spun in a slow soft circle letting the peace whirl out of me. I kept my eyes closed as the beat began to pick up.
My spinning picked up speed as a single hearty sound of a guitar came in repetitively. I reached my arms up above my head losing my clam altogether when the clash of the drums erupted. I stopped spinn
ing and threw my arms to my sides jumping to the heavy beat. I lashed one arm out to the side abruptly and tossed my head in the same direction. I repeated the same move on the opposite with my eyes cinched shut and gritting my teeth.
I continued with a series of kicks and leaps making use of the entire dance floor. After a turning leap I went to the ground. I rolled a few times arching my back and extending my leg. My movements slowed, but I continued to pant as I stepped up from the floor dragging my back leg into a slow spin on the way up. I tucked my arms into my chest and continued drifted around the floor brushing my feet with my head hanging down. I did another slow spin to the ground and stayed crouched there as the music died down.
I watched the drops land onto the floor below me and burst apart with contact. One, after the other, after the other, after the other, until they were falling so fast that I couldn’t catch the moment they landed through my blurred vision. I let myself cry then, for the little girl who never knew her daddy could leave, and for the woman now, who has lived through it and is surviving.
Chapter 21
August
There was one car in the parking lot, and I swear it looked just like Kensie’s but she was at her dad’s house. If I didn’t know how important this dinner was for her I would have insisted she come with me to help my parents at the Women’s shelter. Who am I kidding? I can’t introduce Kensie to them. I want to, God, I really want too. I know they’d love her. I can’t until I tell Kensie the truth, though. My parents have no clue that the girl I’ve fallen for doesn’t know. But I’ll tell her. I will.
The lights were all still off, so I concluded it was a stray car from the billiard next door. The last thing I wanted to do after a long shift at the women’s shelter was drive all the way back to work, but I had forgotten my wallet in John’s office. I usually locked it up in one of his desk drawers when I was working, and out of habit I had put it in yesterday before the party.
I unlocked the front door and immediately I heard the muffle of music coming from the back of the building. With all of the lights still off I crept down the hallway. The closer I got to the music the better I could make out the melancholy tone of the song. That turned on a light switch in my head and my cautious steps broke out into a sprint. I pushed open the door and halted.
Kensie was on the ground in the middle of the floor dancing. She took my breath away with her slow, languid, and sad movements. Rolling to her knees she tucked them into her chest.
It took a few seconds for me to realize she wasn’t dancing anymore. Her body silently shook and I knew then she was crying. I was gonna kill him. Whatever happened with her dad to put my beautiful, strong, Kensie on the floor like that was something I couldn’t stand by and allow.
I leaned over to set my wallet down next to the door. I didn’t want to startle her, and honestly, I think she needed this moment alone. Those moments crying by yourself are the most honest moments of sadness. You have to allow yourself to be consumed by it completely before you can move forward. That’s how it was for me at least.
My keys slid out of my pocket just as I let go of my wallet, and landed noisily on the ground before I could catch them. Kensie sucked in her sob and whipped her head around. If I thought seeing her dance a few minutes ago was torture I was wrong. This was heart shattering. Her wide eyes were puffy and swollen. The warm brown color that always seemed to smile was lost to a red tinge. I wanted to kill him for taking the joy from her eyes. “I didn’t mean to scare you,” I said so softly I wondered if I had even spoken the words.
She rushed up from the floor and ran to launch herself into my arms. I caught her as her body slammed against mine and then collapsed in silent sobs. I held her to me as tightly as I could. Where she no longer had the strength to stand, I had plenty to hold her up. I’d hold her there for as long as she needed me to, and I’d kill him for making her crumble.
I rubbed her back softly and peppered her tear soaked cheeks with kisses. I tried to find the right words to say, but I couldn’t come up with any to soothe her. I didn’t think words could anyway, but I was frustrated with myself for not knowing how to make her feel any better.
I could feel when she started to regain control of her body again. Her spine straightened up, and she put weight back on her legs. She pulled away then and looked up at me with big sad doe eyes wiping her tears with the palms of her hands. I reached up and pushed her hands away to replace them with mine. She smiled a soft smile and closed her eyes leaning her cheek into my palm. I rubbed it with my thumb and asked quietly, “What happened?”
She shook her head in my palm, but didn’t open her eyes. When she spoke her voice was scratchy and forced. I’d kill him for taking away her sweet voice. “It was awful.” She said and her bottom lip started to tremble again. I panicked not wanting her to cry again and swooped in with a quick kiss. When I pulled back, I was about apologize when a soft giggle bubbled from her. She opened her eyes and they twinkled back at me.
“I should go clean myself up.” She said, but leaned in to hug me again, this time with all her strength returned. “Thank you.” She whispered and turned walking out of the classroom.
Thank you? For what? I didn’t do anything, but I was thankful I found her when I did. Thinking that she could have still been sitting here alone in her sadness made the anger churn inside of me.
While Kensie was in the bathroom cleaning up I heard her phone vibrating in her bag. I ignored it the first two times, but on the third one I peaked inside. I wasn’t sure what the boyfriend protocol was for helping yourself into your girlfriend’s purse, but I was wary. I knew first hand some crazy shit lurked in them.
I pulled the bag open with one finger, as if that was any better than just diving right in. I glanced in over my shoulder and saw the screen of her phone light up. Dad, showed up in black letters across the floral background. Just the man I wanted to talk to. I took her phone out of her bag no longer concerned with the protocol. She could get mad at me all she wanted. I wasn’t going to let her near him again without setting him straight first.
* * *
Kensie
I cringed at myself in the mirror. I looked awful. My hair was strewn about except for the parts that were matted to my wet cheeks. My eyes, yikes, I looked like Lennon when we found out she had a shellfish allergy, but I did feel better.
I knew dancing would take away some of the sting from dinner at my dad’s, but what I didn’t expect was for August to be the most soothing. My body ran towards him before my brain even realized he was standing there. The real kicker was that I completely let go of myself the moment he caught me. I’m always consciously making the effort to control how I feel so others don’t have to feel bothered by it, but with August I was able to let it all go.
Just the feel of him allowed me to fall apart. I was safe with him. I wasn’t judged but supported, I was strengthened, and I was loved in his arms. He unraveled me and stitched me back together. He didn’t even have to utter a word to comfort me. In fact, I preferred that he just held me.
I straightened my shoulders and raised my chin up with one last sniffle before walking back to my classroom. I wasn’t looking forward to relaying what had happened at my dad’s, but I knew he wanted to know. I was just glad I would be able to tell him about it without breaking down now.
When I stepped into the room August was holding my bag for me. “Let’s go, pretty girl. I’m taking you back to my place.” He met up with me and wrapped his arm tightly around my shoulders. I looked up to meet his lips in a kiss and let him guide me out of the building to his truck. I was thankful he was taking me with him, because I really didn’t want to be alone tonight of all nights. I don’t know that I would have even called him had he not shown up. I probably would have just waited until the next morning not wanting to disturb his holiday with his parents.
“What brought you here anyway?” I asked him as we pulled away from work.
“I forgot my wallet last night. Seems I was a
bit distracted then.” He smirked over at me and I giggled at the memory of his panicked face when he ran out in the middle of my dance. “ I’m glad I was here, though,” He said taking my hand into his, “I know you would have tried to shoulder that on your own if I didn’t show up, but I want to be here for you. Even if I’m not, I want you to find me. Always come find me.” He said, and I knew he wasn’t just asking me to lean on him, but to let him know when I needed to.
I appreciated that, especially after the other night when he came home late. I’m sure things would have turned out differently if I had just told him I needed to see him. The thing is, I didn’t trust myself to need him then, but things shifted the moment I fell into him tonight. I didn’t just leave my sorrow over the abandonment of my dad on the dance floor; I also left my mistrust of myself. Everything I went through created this stronger woman, and put me on this new path. How I could I not trust myself? I was a warrior when I needed to fight, and I was champion when I didn’t accept defeat. I not only survived the hollowness I burrowed myself into, but I pulled myself out.
* * *
I told August every horrible detail about my horrible Thanksgiving dinner right down to the red door. His demeanor was colder than I had ever witnessed from him before. In particular, he got most agitated when I told him my dad spent the afternoon watching the football games with Parker and sent me off to the kitchen. “Are you kidding me?” his nostrils flared and his knuckles whitened on the wheel.
“I wish I was,” I responded much more calm than I was earlier.
“He never sees you. How could he spend that time when you were right there, right under his own roof not paying any attention to you?” August asked me seeming genuinely distressed for me. “He should never take advantage of his time with you like that. Never.” He gritted out the last part and I found myself comforting him with a rub on the knee.
Truth In Wildflowers Page 22
