“Look, I’ll give Kensie a call and clear all this up. I’m headed home now anyway.” My chest warmed at the thought of Kensie being home waiting for me. I couldn’t wait to ask her to move in with me now that we were honest about how we felt toward each other. Things were moving in such a positive direction for us I was anxious to take them even further. I knew she needed me to move at a slower pace, but if I could have her wearing my ring my tomorrow I would. There was no doubt in my mind that I wanted her to be my wife, but she wasn’t ready for that yet. I’d just enjoy the ride of getting her there for now.
My truck rumbled to life and I picked up my sunglasses from where they bounced around on the dashboard. I set my phone down in their place and hit speakerphone-calling Kensie. It rang a few times and went to voicemail. Come on, pick up. I hit redial and listened to the unanswered ring tone again. Shit.
* * *
Kensie
August’s carpet was Berber, and it had five different colors of thread in it ranging from eggshell to a chocolate color similar to his eyes. At some point, I pulled myself up from the floor and went in to start clean some dishes I had used throughout the day.
I had convinced myself that Bree was spouting lies. It was obvious to me at Tommy’s when we ran into her that she had feelings for August. This had to be an attempt at getting me away from him. I turned on the faucet, and I squeezed soap onto the blue sponge. I swiped it across a plate watching a rainbow of bubbled splattered in its wake. They all popped burst on their own accord at completely random moments. She had a key.
If Bree was in the past as August had let on, why would she have a key? I dropped the plate into the sink and stared at the wall. She not only had a key, but she knew her way around his house. He told me he bought the place three years ago when his grandfather passed away. So Bree had been here, often, within the last three years.
His relationship with her had gone beyond high school, which wasn’t something he told me. He led me to believe it ended then. Or maybe I just assumed that? Assuming was my tragic flaw. Maybe I had just concluded that their relationship ended then, but really they remained friends after.
I tried hard to convince myself that I was overreacting, but I couldn’t deny the obvious. I tossed the sponge into the sink and wiped my hands on a dishtowel making my way to the yellow bedroom. I stopped at the doorway and looked in. The twin sized bed I assumed to be Wes’s late night crash spot, now looked the perfect size for a little girl.
I walked into the room and paid more attention to it than before. There wasn’t anything on the walls. In fact, they looked oddly bare. There were, however, nails dotting the surface leading me to believe there were things hung up around the room at some point.
I ventured to the closet looking at the tiny tutus hanging up. I touched the purple tulle on one and smiled when the image of a tiny little girl twirling in circles in it crossed my mind. I pushed the tutus aside and saw a pile of frames leaning against the wall in the back of the closet.
I knelt down and began pulling back the frames one at a time. Each one held the artwork of a small child. One was what looked like to be a fairy, or something with wings. Another was just scribbles, and the third was a picture of a rainbow.
My heart was pounding at this point, but my mind had yet to catch up. For some reason I felt like I still needed more proof? I didn’t want to believe what I was seeing yet. I stood up and bumped my head on the clothing rod and felt some boxes fall from above onto the floor behind me. I stepped out of the closet and turned around to see what I had knocked over.
Fate was cruel a cruel bitch. There on the floor in front of me, mocking my disbelief was a scattering of photos that had spilled out of one of the boxes. They were pictures of August, Bree, and a little girl. I knelt down and took a pile of photos in my hands. I looked through one at a time feeling my pulse in my thumbs.
Most were of the little girl who looked to be around two or three. She had blonde hair and a sweet scrunched up smile that made me grin. That fell when I locked on her eyes, her beautiful chocolate colored eyes. They were exactly like the ones I had come to know so well. The next few photos were of him with her, and the last one in my hand was of August, Bree, and the little girl together at the zoo. This changes everything.
I fell back and stared at the picture of the happy family in my hands. The pounding of my heart silenced in my ears when my brain kicked in, telling me I had all the proof I needed right here. I dropped the picture into the pile on the ground and stood up. I was suddenly overcome with the urge to run. I needed to get away from that room, that house, from everything.
Chapter 24
August
The door was unlocked. That was the first thing I noticed. My house was immaculate¸ that was the second thing. The kitchen was clean, sparkling really with not a dish in sight. The living room was organized with all the furniture polished leaving a lemon scent in the air. “Kensie?” I yelled, but didn’t get an answer.
I took one step into my hallway when I saw the golden hue from Ella’s bedroom lighting up the hallway. “Kensie?” I called again more urgently as the silence in the house didn’t sit well with me. I stopped at Ella’s door. My eye’s zeroed in on her little tutus hanging in the open closet. Please no, please no, please no. I approached the closet and saw photos scattered across the floor.
The one on top both broke my heart and mocked me in one successful blow. It was a picture of Bree, Ella and I on one of our monthly trips to the zoo. My heart froze sending chilled blood through my veins. I picked up my phone and dialed. Capri picked up immediately. “She knows.” I said without waiting for Capri to answer. I was already half way out the front door when she spoke.
“Bree was there, August.” She snarled and I cringed.
“I know.”
* * *
Kensie
I cued up a rock station on my Pandora ignoring the ringing of my cell phone on the seat next to me. The rapid heavy beats and hoarse screaming from the speakers was exactly what I needed to hear. I left August’s in such a hurry, I couldn’t even remember if I had shut the door behind me. A few miles from his house my shock started to fade and fury was left in its wake.
I cursed myself for knowing better. If I had listened to my head all along I would never be in this situation. I had learned not to trust men, and subsequently built a small fortress around myself, but I ignored those defenses. I surrendered myself to trust, and because of that I was made blind.
I tapped my thumbs to the frenzied beat of the music and stopped at a red light. My phone began its incessant ringing again. I reached over and shut it off without looking at the caller before shucking it into the backseat. I was suddenly slapped with the memory of August’s mystery phone calls and texts over the last few weeks. I excused them away so easily, and now I see how stupid I was. The signs were there, and I played to part of the oblivious girl perfectly.
I watched a group of friends cross the street in front of me just before the light turned green. They were laughing with each other and talking wildly with their hands. It made me angry. Angry that they were smiling and I wasn’t. Angry they were out having a good time with their friends. Where were my friends? Did all of them know about this? There’s no doubt Capri and Wes did.
I was so embarrassed. I grit my teeth together and the thought of Capri betraying me, and betraying our friendship. She never once told me about August having a daughter, hell, she never even mentioned having a niece. The second August and I showed an interest in each other, she should have warned me. Friends take care of each other, they don’t throw you into a fire and watch you burn. I never once thought I’d have to guard myself against my girlfriends, but I guess I should have taken notice to the fact that they can shred you too, after I found out about Chelsea and Nolan.
Chelsea was never a stellar friend though. She was someone who entered relationships for her own personal gain. Capri wasn’t like that. She was kind and sweet, and never once gave me a rea
son to be weary of her loyalties. Until now.
Loyalty. I scoffed aloud at the word August had once used to describe himself. If loyalty meant completely misleading someone you claim to love than color him loyal. I physically ached at the thought of love. I believed he loved me, and I let myself love him. How could he not tell me he had a daughter? That’s not something that just doesn’t come up. Its part of who he is, it’s a part of the person I fell in love with. So if I didn’t know he was a father, did I really even fall in love with him? If he kept this from me, what else could I have not known?
I glanced in my rearview mirror and saw flashing lights in the distance behind me. I began changing lanes to pull off the side and let the emergency vehicle through. I changed the station on my radio to one with a little less anger on it. The passing sirens reminded me that I was driving and needed to calm down.
* * *
August
“You should have told her, August.” Capri calmly scolded me, “You said you were going to tell her.” I still had Capri on the phone when I drove to S.Y.C. to look for Kensie.
“I was.” I sounded frustrated. “I am.” I said. I had planned on telling Kensie so many times. Just when I worked up the nerve or found the perfect opportunity, I would choke. I should have told her from day one about Ella, but I was so taken by Kensie. Nothing else mattered when I was with her, and for once I let myself get completely wrapped up in someone else.
“A little too late for that.” Capri chided me.
“She doesn’t know everything. I need to tell her everything.” I heard her sigh on the other end of the phone.
“I know. I hope she will let you tell her.”
I hoped so too. If she never wanted to see me or speak to me again I would understand. I was a lousy piece of shit for never being honest with her, but I couldn’t live with myself if I let her think I was like her dad. She had come so far in moving past the damage his abandonment had done that I didn’t want her to think it was all in vain. Above all that though, I needed to tell her I loved her. I had to make sure she knew that wasn’t a lie, but was the truest thing that I had said in years.
I pulled into the parking lot at work and let out a stream of curse words when I didn’t see her car anywhere. “What?” Capri asked still on the phone.
“She’s not here.” I said letting my head fall onto my steering wheel. “I thought maybe she would have come here to dance. She likes to do that, to dance out her frustrations. She’s beautiful when she dances, but she’s not here.” If she wasn’t here I didn’t know where she could be.
“Oh, August.” Capri sounded sympathetic on the line. “Let me call Lennon and see if I can figure out where she would have gone, and I’ll call you back.” She hung up before I could say goodbye, but I wasn’t going to sit there and wait for her to call back. I needed to find my girl.
I got back onto the main highway and drove. I had no idea where to go, or where I was going, I just needed to do something. I called Kensie’s phone again and it went straight to voicemail telling me she had turned it off.
I heard sirens in the distance and could see the blue and red from behind me. I pulled to the side of the road to let them pass trying not to look, but it was no use. I was slammed with the unwelcome memories that made my stomach turn.
Sirens, so many.
My neck began to sweat as my vision became spotty so I pulled completely off the road.
The smell of gas, Bree unconscious. Ella. My Ella.
I opened my truck door on the side of the road and vomited into the street.
* * *
Kensie
I drove slowly passed the accident that had noticeably just happened. Two cars were smashed together head on, and a stream of gas slithered across the road in front of me. I heard the sounds of more sirens coming, and I said a silent prayer for the safety of all the people involved in the accident.
Once I cleared the scene there was nothing but open road ahead of me until I made it to my mom’s house. I sent her a quick text to let her know I would be showing up, but didn’t explain anything else. I was done running away from houses that wrecked me, and more than ready to run to a house that somehow always put me back together.
My rage music was no longer pounding through my speakers. The open, empty road had inspired a more melancholy song choice in me, or maybe it was my mood. The more I drove, the lonelier I became. The reality of what had happened really started to sink in and take root.
For the last three years I tried to rearrange my life and create a template for myself to start over. When I met August I had thought I’d finally found a reason to begin again, and the person I was meant to be with. Now, I was doubting everything.
Three years ago, I was attempting to rebuild my broken spirit after constant abandonment. Now I was back in a place of brokenness, but this time it was so much worse. I wasn’t being abandoned. No, I was the one aiding in the abandonment. I was a Jodie. August had never once mentioned his daughter to me, and I in turn became the woman he started a life with away from his little girl. I could never forgive myself for that.
* * *
August
I shuddered at the roadside trying to regain my composure before I started driving again. I hadn’t had a flash back like that in a while. In fact, since I met Kensie I hadn’t had one at all. Being with her didn’t cover up the past; it just enabled me to see a future. Maybe that’s why I could never bring myself to tell her about Ella. I was so desperate for that feeling of hope and promise that being with her gave me, I was afraid to lose it. That had to make me some sort of sick bastard.
I turned my eyes to the road when I heard another set of sirens coming up. My phone rang and I was thankful for the distraction as the ambulance passed me. “Did you find her?” I asked Capri hoping Lennon had helped.
“Len said she probably went to her mom’s.” Capri told me that she didn’t go there often, except for when she needed a break.
“What’s her mom’s address?” I asked fully prepared to drive there immediately regardless of where it was or how long it took me.
Capri sighed before she spoke, “I don’t think you should go, August.” Was she crazy? Of course I should go.
“I’m going.” I said sternly.
“I think you should give her some space. She has a lot to take in.” Capri suggested, but I wasn’t interest in giving Kensie any kind of space. I needed to see her.
“I’m going, Capri. I have to explain. ” I surprised myself at how desperate I sounded, but that’s exactly what I was. I had first hand experience in how quickly Kensie jumped to conclusions and how easily she overacted. Right now, I just needed to make sure she was okay and not caught up in her head.
“I know you do, but why don’t you let me talk to her first, just to calm her down and see where her head’s at. The last thing you want to do is show up and make her even more upset.” Capri had a point. I needed to explain to Kensie what happened, but more than that I needed her to be able to listen. I wasn’t so sure tonight was the best time to tell her everything.
“Ugh, I think you might be right,” I said regretfully, “but as soon as you see her text me and let me know she’s okay.” If there was anyone I would let go in my place it was Capri.
“I will.” she assured me.
“I’m going to her mom’s first thing tomorrow.” I told her firmly.
“I know you are.” She replied and I sensed a smile in her voice. She would take care of Kensie tonight, and I would be there in the morning to see if I could repair the damage I had done to the love of my life.
Chapter 25
“What do I do, Mom?” I sat at my mom’s kitchen table twirling my coffee cup in my hands. When I arrived I was a tear stained emotional disaster. Now, after a cup of coffee and pouring every last detail out to my mom I was feeling better. Exhausted, but much better.
“Honey, I can’t tell you what to do. Only you know what is right for you in this situation.” She sat dow
n across from me stirring sugar into her mug. “What I can tell you though, is to make sure you know all the details before you make any decisions.”
Oh, I knew details. Though there were few, they were incredibly influential. Since I hadn’t spoken to August I was left to my own devices to come up with the rest. Knowing myself, that wasn’t the best scenario. I had a pattern of jumping to conclusions. Even August had once asked me to come to him first if I ever had any doubts. I was definitely having doubts, but I hadn’t gone to him, and now I was left with the worst possibilities swirling around in my head.
“I hate it when you do that you know.” I said smugly to my mom and took a sip of my coffee.
“Do what?” She asked smirking.
“Tell me what to do, but make me think I came up with the solution on my own.” She laughed at that.
“I don’t tell you what to do, I merely make suggestions and your own brilliant mind figures out the right thing to do.” She reached across the table and patted my arm. So maybe she was right, and I did need to hear the whole story, but not tonight. I was still unsure of where I stood.
“So, what if his reasons for not telling me are justifiable ones? I can’t be okay with dating someone who doesn’t have an active role in their child’s life, Mom. That hits too close to home.” I couldn’t respect a man who didn’t take care of his daughter, and I couldn’t respect myself as the woman in his life who allowed that. “I won’t stand by and live my happy life with him while his daughter misses out on it.” I folded leaned back and folded my arms across my chest.
“Oh, honey,” my mom’s eyes grew soft with sympathy, “I hate what your father has done to you.” She took a sip of coffee and set it down on the table leaning forward to unwrap my arms from their position across my chest and held my hands in hers. “You listen to me.” She said firmly. “Your dad is a confused man who has his priorities mixed up and always has. Jodie tries to guide him in the right direction, but he is responsible for his choices, not her or the kids,” I nodded my head to that. I never really blamed them for any of the attention they took away from me. It was never their fault that my dad didn’t know how to include me.
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