The Art of Moving On (Siren Publishing Classic)

by Sarah Raymond

  When she finished her shower, Casey headed out into her room to get dressed. Conor had just woken, and was sitting on the edge of the bed, putting on his shoes. When had he had time to take them off? The look on his handsome face told Casey that he was feeling a sizeable amount of pity for her…she hated that look.

  “Please don’t look at me like that,” she said, turning her head from him.

  “Like what, love?” he replied, knowing damn well the look painted all over his face.

  “Like you pity me. I can’t stand when people look at me like that. I have seen enough pity for one lifetime, and I do not need to see it from you,” she commanded.

  In a very even-tempered tone, Conor explained himself. “Well Casey, I don’t know how to look at ya without some sense of pity. Ya were obviously truly upset about somethin’ last night, enough to make ya cry for hours. I don’t know what’s wrong with ya, and I don’t know how to look. I don’t know how to comfort ya, and that is all I want in this world.”

  Casey looked back at him, noting a change in his face. He looked…helpless. That look was ultimately worse than the first. She couldn’t bear the fact that she was hurting him. “Look, I am sorry,” she said. And for the first time since they met, Casey lowered her guard slightly with Conor. “I have these gruesome nightmares. They are usually recurring and horrific. They scar me for days sometimes.” After a long pause, she continued, “The one I had last night was about you. I’m taking medication, trying to dull them, and I see a therapist sporadically in an attempt to understand them. So there, now you know that I’m crazy and I’ll understand if you decide to leave.”

  Conor stood there silently for a long, torturous moment. Casey was unsure if he was about to leave or not. I scared him away for sure, she thought.

  After what seemed like an eternity he said, “O’ course I’m not goin’ to leave.” Relief washed over Casey. “I just wish that ya would let me in. How do I help ya if I don’t understand?”

  Casey gave him nothing. She could not find the words, nor did she want to. Conor stared back at her, obviously frustrated.

  “What was the dream about, then?” he asked.

  “It’s complicated. I don’t want to get into it, because the more it replays in my head, the crazier I feel,” she said, already exhausted from the revelation.

  Conor crossed the room and pulled her close to him. Putting two and two together he said, “There is nothin’ that is goin’ to happen to me, love. I’m right here, for as long as ya want me.” Casey frowned, thinking of how untrue that statement actually was. Nobody knew how long he or she had left…not even Conor.

  Chapter 16

  Later that day, Casey sat outside of Dr. Roma’s office, waiting for her session to begin. She was antsy and uncomfortable. She felt strange after the awkward sort-of fight with Conor that morning. He had kissed her sweetly and left, promising to call her later. She almost wished that he wouldn’t for a while. She had a lot to work out, and she felt another bender creeping in the near future. She in no way wanted her lover to see her in self-destruct mode. Though he was an Irishman and more than likely tied one on more than once in his lifetime, she took drinking to the next level. She was sure that while in rare form, she was an embarrassing sight.

  “Come on back, Casey.” Dr. Roma was standing at the door, a friendly smile on her face as she let Casey lead the way into her office. She probably hates me, Casey thought as she took a seat on the plush couch.

  “It has been awhile,” she said calmly. Dr. Roma did not seem at all to be anticipating, or worried, about another one of Casey’s freak-outs. “How are things with you?”

  “Things have been pretty good…for the most part.” She paused, feeling a strong urge to apologize. “Look, last time I was here, I was really crazy and rude to you and I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.”

  The good doc, looking as elegant as always, shook her head. Her hair looked so exotic, loose curls plating long strands of brown. If she were twenty years younger, she could be a model. “There is no need to apologize to me, Casey. The whole point of therapy is to let out the emotions that we keep trapped inside. I am here to help you come to terms with certain things. Believe me, it would be unhealthy if things didn’t get a little heated from time to time.”

  “Okay,” she replied simply. Casey looked down at her hands, then back up to the doctor. “Well, I’m sort of seeing this guy.” Dr. Roma sat up, suddenly interested in the details. Casey went on. “It is the man that I was telling you about last time. His name is Conor.”

  “Tell me about this man,” Dr. Roma said.

  “Well, he is gorgeous and sensitive, kind and romantic. He is a wealthy businessman, though I could not begin to explain what it is he actually does. So far, he has taken me on the most amazing dates, and he is so incredibly irresistible.” Casey paused for a reaction. She could talk about Conor, and his many fine traits, all day. “He seems almost too good to be true.”

  “And have you two been intimate?” Dr. Roma asked.

  Suddenly not ashamed to talk about their delectable sex life, Casey responded truthfully. “Yes, we have made love a few times. He is an incredible partner…probably the best that I have ever had. He is gentle and seductive, but also very dominant and bold. He has unlocked something in me…some hunger that I never knew was there. I can’t seem to get enough of him.” Casey grew somewhat aroused just thinking about having sex with Conor.

  “Hmm,” Dr. Roma said. “I noticed that you used the term ‘made love’ rather than ‘have sex.’ Why do you think that is?”

  Casey thought about it for a minute, and then began trying to explain. “Well, I think that is because of the connection we share both in and out of the bedroom. It feels a lot like love. The way he gazes into my eyes, and puts me on a pedestal. And by the things he says to me…it feels like he may be falling in love with me, and I think I am falling in love with him also.” The corners of Casey’s mouth formed a smile, probably the first that Dr. Roma had ever seen on her face.

  “Casey, that is wonderful. It seems like you are bringing your life back together. If this man is good to and for you, then what is the problem? What can I help you with?”

  Casey’s smile transformed instantly to a frown. She dropped her head, mostly because she was ashamed. She was ashamed of the nightmares and ashamed that she had not been able to be honest with Conor. Ashamed that she was disillusioned into thinking that they were falling in love when, in all actuality, they knew very little about one another. She got lost in thought.

  “Casey?” She looked up to find Dr. Roma waiting on an answer. “What is going on in your mind?”

  Taking a deep breath, Casey told her of her shame. “I haven’t told him about Jace and the baby. I can’t bring myself to do it. And the damn nightmares are getting worse and I feel so guilty. I can’t help but feel like I am constantly cheating on Jace. I don’t want to feel like Conor is my dirty little secret.”

  “It is unhealthy to begin a relationship with secrets, Casey.” Dr. Roma was right, and she knew it. “Why is it that you haven’t told him? It is not as if telling him will change anything, aside from letting him know why you are the way you are.”

  “I know that, Dr. Roma. But somehow telling Conor means that I have accepted it, and I am moving on. I just don’t know if I am ready,” she said, feeling as though she was making no sense. There was really no motive for her not to tell Conor. “I came to this city to have a fresh start. I was so sick of the looks of pity from everyone I knew. I just feel that if I have to see that look on Conor’s face, I will never be able to look at him again.” It was a weak justification at best, and she knew it.

  Dr. Roma thought for a moment and then said, “Casey, you have already begun to accept it. Six months ago, you never would have let a man get close enough to smell your perfume. Now you are having an intimate relationship with a near-perfect man that seems to adore you. You are moving on. You just have to say the words out loud. ‘Jace i
s dead. My infant son is dead. They are never coming back.’ And Casey, I truly feel that once you have said it out loud, especially to Conor, you will feel an immense weight lifted from your shoulders.”

  By God, she’s right. Casey knew what the good doctor was saying was true. She needed to get it out. But first, “How do I stop the nightmares? They are getting more frequent, and more horrific. The one I had last night was of Conor being dead in a casket. And then, he turned into Jace, who creepily opened his eyes and stared at me. I mean, what the hell is that all about?”

  “The nightmares we can probably extinguish with a different medication. However, they are coming from your own consciousness. You feel guilty giving your heart to another man, and that is completely normal. You were married to Jace for five years, Casey. He was the absolute love of your life. Before him, there were not many other men. But now, he is gone and you are here. You have to allow yourself to move on. There is no man alive for you to cheat on, therefore Conor is not your ‘dirty little secret.’ Jace is not judging you from the grave. Allow yourself some happiness.” Dr. Roma paused, and then said one final statement that Casey already knew to be true. “Whether you choose to tell Conor about Jace now or not, sooner or later he is going to find out. He deserves to know.”

  Casey left the office that day feeling as though she had chipped away at a small portion of the weight on her shoulders. It truly did help to talk to a therapist, and Casey was happy that she could put food on the good doctor’s table. After all, she was pretty screwed up. She couldn’t help but wonder why she was so afraid to open up to Conor. After all, she had let him tie her up and whip her. It was not as if he would react by saying, “Oh, ya once had a son and a husband? They’re dead now? I guess we can’t be together.” Casey had not caused the accident that sent her family into a fiery death…Or had she?

  After her talk with Dr. Roma, she knew one thing for certain. She desperately wanted to open up to Conor. She wanted to move on. She wanted to fall in love again and begin enjoying life once more. Conor was the key. There, standing on the crowded street where she had recently experienced an absolute breakdown, Casey made a vow to herself. Though passersby looked at her as if she were crazy, which was something that had become normal for her on this particular street, Casey spoke aloud.

  “I, Casey Dwyer, hereby promise myself that if Conor and I can date for six months straight, and he is still absolutely wonderful, I will tell him about my past. I will accept that what is done is done, let the dead rest, and finally move on. I will no longer allow myself to be the gloomy, ridiculous shell of a human being that I have been for so long.”

  Casey finished her oath on an exhale, feeling the inner struggle she had been dealing with wash away. She truly did want to change, and for Conor, she would force herself to do so. He was an incredible man, and he was too good to let go. Starting immediately, Casey would share bits of her past, in hopes of leading up to the biggest secret she had ever held. She wanted him to know her, and she wanted to get to know him. They shared an amazing connection physically and mentally, but they were basically strangers. That had to change.

  Casey felt relieved knowing that there was a plan in place—she had always been a planner. There had been very little in her life that she had not organized completely, that is, until the accident, when Casey practically gave up. No matter, today was a new day. Feeling refreshed, Casey started toward the drug store to fill her prescription. The nightmares would be the first thing to disappear from this living hell she had been burning in.

  Chapter 17

  A week later, Casey was feeling very good about her attempts to better herself. She had taken up running again, which is something that she loved to do back in Texas. The ever-present fatigue of depression and grief had prevented her from regular exercise over the last year. She had also been drinking less, eating better, and working out in the gym down the block. She wanted to feel beautiful again. This frail, emaciated look reflected the remnants of a lifelong over. She wanted to forget, and she was sure that, if even a little, seeing a beautiful woman staring back at her in the mirror would help her on her way to her new life.

  On a chilly, dew-soaked morning, Casey woke up for a run. She desperately needed to make a decision about the apartment. She had yet to tell Sammie about Conor’s offer, though she had been bugging Casey daily about it. Much to Sammie’s frustration, Casey had always found a way to avoid the conversation. “Hold on. I hear my phone,” and “I haven’t talked to Conor about it,” or the famous, “I have to go to the bathroom so bad,” would only hold Sammie off for so long. So today, Casey was going to run out the constant worries about renting from her lover and make a solid decision.

  She jogged along for miles, it seemed, until she came to the Charles River. Her breath heaving rapidly in and out of her chest, she decided to take a rest, and plopped herself down on the grass. She surveyed the gentle water, reflecting the cobalt sky above. She gazed in either direction of the river, noticing how the grass was still a vibrant shade of green, though the brisk chill in the air warned of a bitter winter to come. Then, she saw something that made her heart melt as a forgotten ice-cream cone on a hot summer day. On a bench some ways down the river, Casey spotted a couple sitting side by side. They must have been in their eighties at least, and their wide smiles indicated that they had been in love for most of their lives. They sat hand in hand, staring out over the water, then back at each other. Their eyes would lock on one another for long moments, and they would kiss gently. The man held his wife so tight that it was as if it were his last day with her.

  Casey instantly got to her feet, and began sprinting toward her apartment. The elderly couple inspired her. They had lived long, full lives together, and were still in love. If those two could last together for decades, why was it that Casey’s life had to end with Jace? Dr. Roma was absolutely right in saying that she had not died in that car accident over a year ago. She was still here, and life was passing her by. She wanted Conor to love her like the elderly man loved his wife, and there was nothing stopping her but herself. Conor may not be in love with her yet, but she was definitely falling in love with him. There was no denying what her heart yearned for.

  When she got back to the apartment, she called for Sammie, finally ready to tell her the good news.

  “I’m in here,” Sammie yelled from the bathroom. “Come on in. I’m not on the pot or anything.” Casey turned the knob, only to find the second most heart-wrenching sight yet. Sammie was standing before the mirror holding up her shirt to expose the most adorable baby bump. Casey had been so wrapped up in her depression and Conor and the apartment hunt that she had not even realized that Sammie was moving along in her pregnancy.

  “Oh my gosh,” Casey said, tears welling in her eyes. She had loved Sammie for as long as she could remember, and now she was going to be blessed with another version of Sammie that would remain in her life forever. She was overjoyed. “May I?” she asked. When Sammie nodded, she knelt to press her cheek to her friend’s belly. “How far along are you now?”

  “Just about 4 months. Doesn’t seem that long, but I have one trimester down, two to go. At least the constant hurling is starting to ease up,” she said, sounding relieved.

  “Listen, Sammie. I feel like I have been neglecting you throughout this pregnancy. I have just been so wrapped up in Conor and my own bullshit that I can’t seem to let go. I’ve been so selfish. I should have gone to more doctor’s appointments with you and shopped for baby things and whatnot.” She suddenly felt like the worst friend on the face of the planet.

  “Casey, it’s fine! I’m a big girl, and you have a life to live! I am just thankful you are letting me crash here. I’m so grateful to have a friend like you.”

  Casey was very appreciative to have such a true and understanding friend. “So, are you up for some good news?” she asked as she stood to get the full effect of her roommate’s face when she told her they were about to move into one of the most luxurious
apartments she had ever seen.

  Sammie nodded, and Casey spilled. “Well, for the same low price as we pay for this apartment now, we are soon to be living in our luxurious dream apartment on the wharf. What do you think?”

  A look washed over Sammie’s face that was a combination of happiness, anxiousness, relief, and a bit of disbelief. She looked as though the urge to scream and jump up and down was absolutely torturous. It was the most beautiful thing that Casey had ever seen.

  “Are you serious? You are joking, right?” Sammie was obviously still shocked by the news. “When?”

  “Well, Conor told me the deal a week ago, but I wanted to make up my mind first. I just don’t want things to get complicated with the lease if something happens between he and I. However, I made up my mind and he told me before that we could move in whenever we want.” She watched Sammie closely to judge her reaction. “You aren’t mad that I waited so long to tell you, are you?”

  To Casey’s relief, Sammie replied, “No, of course not. Though I would not have minded sleeping somewhere other than the couch for the last week, it was truly your decision to make.” Sammie paused, obviously processing the information she had just been given. She then shook her head as if stepping back into reality and said, “I have some good news also. I got a job today! I will be working as a receptionist at a doctor’s office downtown somewhere. I interviewed last week and they just called me back this morning. The pay is pretty good, the doctor seems friendly, and they have no problem with the fact that I am pregnant. I guess since I still have a little over 5 months to go, they will can me long before that if need be.”