The Art of Moving On (Siren Publishing Classic)

by Sarah Raymond

  When they had devoured just about all of the food (thankfully Conor had brought multiple orders), Casey felt better. She had been worried about being with Conor after knowing the truth, but he was a welcome distraction. They cleaned up dinner, and she led the way to her bedroom to watch a movie.

  “I brought both a girlie and a scary film. I didn’t know which ya might be in the mood for?”

  Casey smiled at the thought. Most men would not offer up a chick flick, but Conor was different. He was a sensitive kind of guy.

  “Let’s go with horror. Nothing could be scarier than what I felt the last few days,” she said. Again, it was not a lie.

  She crawled into bed as he put in the DVD and turned off the lights. When he climbed in beside her and pulled her body close to his, she realized that she had missed him. Even in a state of depression and shock, she had unknowingly yearned for his presence. Maybe she could get through this. Maybe she could master moving on.

  When the movie had finished, Conor asked if she wanted to watch the other that he brought.

  “I have a better idea,” she said, hunger for him growing inside of her. She let her hand slip under the covers, finding his shaft growing and pushing against his pajama bottoms. Without the restraint of underwear, she could feel every vein, every ridge. Keeping her hand on the outside of his bottoms, she trailed her fingers down the length of his shaft. He hissed in loudly, his head pressing into the pillow and his hips rising.

  “Are ya sure, love? I know ya don’t feel well just yet.”

  She ran her fingers up the length and answered, “I’ll manage.”

  She figured that Conor must have been aching to feel her body over the last few days, because they did not indulge in much foreplay. As quickly as they were out of their clothes, he was on top of her making sure she was ready for his girth, and he slid inside her. She inhaled a loud, quick breath.

  “Did I hurt ya?” he asked, noticing her reaction.

  “No, I’m fine. Just take it slow, okay?”

  He obeyed, and began to slide inside her slowly. He kissed her as he did, pressing his lips to hers softly so as not to hurt her further. Casey noticed instantly that something was different this time. As he slowly rocked himself in and out of her, she became more slick than normal. The friction his length created within her was so much more intense than it ever had been. Before long, their bodies were working together, pounding one another ferociously. Every nerve ending within her sex was firing on all cylinders. She had never felt such a mind-altering sensation before.

  As she rocked with him, drenching his erection with her moisture, he moaned at an unprecedented volume. When he began to climax, he took one of Casey’s straining nipples into his mouth and bit down hard. The sensation took Casey to the peak. She was unable to breathe as they came together for what seemed like a lifetime.

  Sometime later, Conor lay beside her, his eyes studying her face. “That was…” he said, breaking the silence between them. He did not finish his sentence, but made a noise that accurately expressed what he was feeling.

  “Mind blowing,” Casey finished, sure that he was thinking the same thing.

  “Exactly,” was all he could manage in response.

  They lay in silence again after that, thoughts rising in Casey’s mind. Yes, the sex had been utterly mind-blowing, but there was something else. It had been different. Something inside her body was different. But, what?

  After short period of rest, Conor pulled Casey close to his body once again. She laid her head on his chest, breathing in rhythm to his heartbeat.

  “Wow, ‘tis snowin’ hard,” Conor said as he gazed out the window.

  Casey craned her neck around to look through the glass. Even though the room was dark, the pure white flakes seemed to glow as they descended from the heavens. Though she knew something was wrong, she felt at peace in Conor’s arms.

  “It’s beautiful,” she said, turning her head back to rest on his chest.

  “Not as beautiful as what I have in me arms, love,” Conor responded. Casey smiled, closing her eyes to let herself drift.

  “Casey?” Conor said just before she descended into dreamland.

  “Mm-hmm?” she responded as she drifted.

  “I love ya.”

  Casey, through her exhaustion, could not respond, but fell into a deep slumber. In that peaceful moment, she was unaware that over the course of the next month, her life was going to endure yet another drastic change.

  Chapter 30

  When she woke in the morning, Casey felt terrible. Her body was stiff from being in bed for days, and her head was pounding, likely from the lack of caffeine intake during her comatose state. She also had a terrible stomachache, which she chalked up to the amount of Chinese she had devoured before bed.

  She rose gently so as not to wake Conor. She wanted to spare herself the embarrassment of having a bathroom emergency brewing inside of her while he was lying in her bed. She gently opened the door and went out into the living room. She made her way to Sammie’s room, praying to God that she was alone. She quickly rapped on the door a few times, and was eventually answered by Sammie who, by the looks of it, she had just woken from a deep sleep.

  “Where’s the fire?” Sammie said through a yawn. “Do you have any idea what time it is?” Noticing the look on Casey’s face, she said, “What is the matter?”

  “Are you alone?” Casey asked, hopeful that she was.

  “Yeah, why?” she responded.

  “Can I please, please use your bathroom? It’s an emergency and Conor is in the other room,” she said in a hushed voice.

  Sammie opened the door to let Casey in, and she was never so thankful to have a friend who understood her so well.

  When she finished in the bathroom, Sammie was sitting on the bed looking especially pregnant. “Everything come out okay?” she asked jokingly. Casey made a face and went over to sit beside her on the bed.

  “So, Conor came over, huh? About time you called that poor man. He bugged the shit out of me the whole time you were out of commission. I almost turned off my phone,” Sammie said.

  Casey was aware that he had been worried. He obviously cared for her very deeply. She suddenly remembered the night before. She had been almost asleep when Conor had said he loved her? And the sex they had right before he muttered the words was mysterious as well. Noticing the look on her face, Sammie curiously questioned her.

  “What’s going on?”

  “Well, last night was so weird. Conor and I had sex and it was amazing, but it felt so strange—like physically.” Casey decided to leave out the part of the evening that involved Conor’s confession. After all, it could have been just a good dream. Her mind returned to the strange sensation. She strained to remember what exactly had made sex feel so odd.

  “Strange how?” Sammie asked.

  “Well, I was way wetter than usual, for one. And then it felt so much better than normal, like the friction was intense and every single nerve was on fire. It was the best sex that I have ever had, which is saying something. Conor is a beast in the sack all the time.”

  Sammie looked positively jealous. “Well, sounds like you had a great time then,” she said, rolling her eyes playfully.

  “Yes, it was great. I just can’t figure out why it was so…different? I don’t know, maybe finding out more about my hidden memories relaxed my mind. Maybe I can enjoy having sex more now that I do not have so much darkness and mystery hanging over my head,” Casey said hopefully.

  “Or maybe you are about to start your period,” Sammie interrupted. “My body always did weird things right before I started. Sometimes it would feel ten times better. Sometimes it would hurt ten times worse. Never could tell which way it would go.”

  Sammie’s word hit her like a freight train. Casey sat quiet. Her period. When was her last period?

  “Wait,” Sammie said in response. “I know that face. Did you miss your period?”

  Casey’s heart raced as she str
uggled to remember. When was her last period? When, dammit? For the life of her, she could not remember. “I don’t know,” she said solemnly. It had been a while, that she was sure of. And she had felt terrible. She got sick at Thanksgiving, and then spent the entire weekend feeling queasy in bed. She was nauseous at Dr. Roma’s office right before her session. She slept for days, only to wake and feel the need to scrub her apartment from top to bottom. She was having diarrhea this morning. And the sex, well, sex always felt insanely different to pregnant women—it was a proven fact. She had not connected any of these symptoms before. She just chalked them up to stress.

  “Oh shit,” she said. These were the only words that she heard herself mutter through the thumping in her chest.

  “Oh my God!” Sammie said excitedly. “Wouldn’t that be awesome if we were both pregnant? Our kids could grow up together. How fun!” Sammie nearly screamed.

  “Shhh! Keep your voice down, Sammie,” Casey said through ragged, panicked breaths. “Conor cannot know about any of this. And I am not even sure if I have missed my period yet.”

  Sammie piped down to a whisper and apologized. Casey was officially freaking out. “I need to get Conor to leave, and then I need you to help me figure this thing out, okay?” she asked her best friend, noticing how calm her words sounded—a totally different reaction than what was going on inside of her.

  Sammie nodded, and Casey rose to go back to her room. She hoped that she would not tell Giovanni about this, but was more concerned with getting Conor out of the apartment and figuring this whole thing out. After all, she could just be imagining all of this. It was not uncommon for women under extreme stress to miss their period. Yeah, that’s it, she thought.

  As she slowly walked back to her room, it felt as though it took decades to get there. She could feel the nervous sweat on her brow, and began to feel queasy again. Don’t freak out—just get Conor to leave, she kept telling herself.

  When she entered the room, she glanced at the bed to find that Conor was not in it. As if he knew that she had come back into the room, he came out of the bathroom and walked toward her. His now-shaggy hair was wet, and slightly dripping onto his shoulders and chest. He wore nothing but a towel around his waist, his fit stomach beckoning her to place her lips upon his flesh. Her sex throbbed. No! She screamed internally, wanting badly to crawl back into bed with him, but she knew what she had to do.

  He walked over to her, the delicious scent of clean skin and soap taking her over. “Mornin’, love,” he said with an enormous grin. She loved hearing that thick accent first thing in the morning. Her sex roared again. “Where did ya go this mornin’? I don’ like wakin’ up with ya not in me arms.”

  “Oh, I went to wake up Sammie. We had, uh, plans before I got sick. Have lots of baby stuff to do! I think we are going to go on a shopping spree today.” Casey hoped Conor believed her, though she stumbled through her words nervously.

  “Well, doesn’t that sound like fun?” he said, pressing his soft lips against her forehead. “I have to get home anyway. Busy day for me as well.”

  As he began to gather his clothes, Casey felt relieved at how smoothly the process had gone. She hated the idea of kicking him out, especially after she had spent God knows how many days ignoring him.

  To Casey’s relief, Conor dressed quickly. When she caught a glimpse of his thick shaft, it took all she had within her not to attack his delicious body. After he left, Casey brushed her teeth and washed her face. She smoothed her hair, but felt no need for makeup or clothes that weren’t her pajamas. There was only one thing that mattered to her now, and that was finding out if her worst fear was about to come true.

  Chapter 31

  An hour later, Casey and Sammie stood in an aisle of the little corner market closest to their apartment. Casey’s stomach churned as her eyes studied each of the brightly colored boxes. Dread filled her, so much so that she thought she might pass out. What was she going to do if she was pregnant? She did not want another baby—plain and simple.

  “Why do they make the packages for pregnancy tests so bright and cheerful? Like, not everybody in the universe is ecstatic when they find out that they are pregnant. For some, it’s the end of the world,” Casey said bluntly.

  “Jeez, Case. Pessimistic much? I thought you would be happy about this?” Sammie said.

  “Happy? No. You know that I don’t want any more kids. I went down that road once, and look where it got me,” she said with a little more attitude than was necessary. “Here, let’s just get these two,” she said as she grabbed a First Response and an E.P.T. Sammie followed in silence, apparently stunned by Casey’s lack of excitement.

  When Casey had paid for the tests, ignoring the strange look that the cashier gave her, they stepped out into the winter wonderland. The snow had fallen in thick sheets the night before, and the streets were covered in white. It seemed as though the entire city shut down in December. She might have found it eerie, but the quiet of the city had been replaced by the screaming in Casey’s brain. Though the snow was still falling and the temperature must have been near freezing, she could not feel it. The fear and dread within her numbed her skin as they walked side-by-side back to the apartment.

  When Casey and Sammie got back home, they immediately shed layers of clothes and snow-covered boots. Casey said nothing as she began walking, tests in hand, to the bathroom.

  “Case, wait,” Sammie said. “I just have to say one thing and I will never say anything about it again.” Casey turned to face her best friend, already aware of what she was going to say.

  “I know that you have not had it easy. I mean, you married a drunken rapist freak that did horrible things and put you through hell. Yes, it’s because of him that you lost your child.” She paused to let the stinging words sink in. “But, Conor is nothing like him. He is a sweet, caring, wealthy man who absolutely adores you. History won’t repeat itself. If that test is positive, shouldn’t you at least consider having his child?”

  Casey thought about it. It was true. Conor would be an amazing father. He never got angry, and he was so much fun. He would be the ideal husband for her as well. But truthfully, Casey was terrified. She missed her baby boy so much that she could not even bear to say his name out loud. How could she just go and have another baby, only to forget about the sweet infant she had put into the ground?

  Without saying a word, she went into the bathroom and locked the door. Casey read the instructions on the box, though only an idiot would not know how to use a pregnancy test. She was procrastinating. When she finally pulled the stick out of the box, she fiddled with the wrapper. Her hands were shaking so bad she did not think she would manage to get even one unwrapped, much less four. Frustrated, she threw the still unwrapped test down and rested her hands on the edge of the sink. She closed her eyes, taking deep breaths, trying desperately to calm her nerves.

  When she had reduced her shaking to a small tremor, she opened the four tests, placing them within arm’s reach of the toilet. She sat down, took another deep breath, and began the process.

  “Well, what’s the verdict?” Casey heard from outside the door some time later.

  She stared down at the tests in disbelief. Every single one indicated that there was, without a shadow of a doubt, a child growing inside her. She was devastated. How had this happened? She had been diligent about taking her birth control, and was sure that it would work. She thought also, as a backup, that the amount of overwhelming stress she had been feeling would throw her fertility off kilter. She shook her head, trying to hold back the tears welling in her eyes.

  “Hello?” Sammie said as she knocked at the door ferociously.

  Casey opened it without a word and nearly fell into her best friend’s arms. She sobbed outrageously, uncaring that her tears of despair were soaking Sammie’s sweater. Together they stood holding one another, Casey breaking down and Sammie gently petting her hair. The last time that Casey had found out she was pregnant, the two had jumped up and
down like excited middle-schoolers on the way to their first dance. This time, no such happiness existed.

  After a while, when Casey was finally at a point where she thought she might stop sobbing, she felt Sammie’s belly move against hers. She inhaled a hiss and stepped back from her roommate. She knew that the gesture was nothing shy of rude, but feeling her best friend’s baby move when she was pregnant with an unwanted child was just too much. Sammie, either disgusted with Casey’s reaction, or aware of the added emotional trauma she was causing, turned to leave the room. Casey followed silently, shut the door, lay down on her bed, and sobbed again.

  Her mind raced with scenarios. She could take the first obvious route, and have an abortion. This sounded like the most reasonable plan to her, though she had sworn to herself she would never do that again. Jace had forced her to have one when they had first started dating, and she never forgave herself. There was nothing dirtier than having a strange doctor put his hands and his tools inside of a woman and suck out the very life within her. Casey had spent days in bed, medicating herself with sleeping pills and crying because of the guilt she felt while she was awake. She had had nightmares of her baby crying for months. It had been hell.

  The second idea that came to mind was adoption, though Casey knew that she would be unable to birth a child, only to hand it off and wonder where it was for the rest of her days.

  The third option was to have the child and let Conor raise it. She winced at the last thought, knowing that she would not be able to go through with that one either. All three plans also had one thing in common. She would lose Conor. She cried for what seemed like hours until, once again, she fell asleep.

  Chapter 32

  A few days later, Casey had still not been able to make up her mind as to what to do. To her relief, Conor had been called away on business the day after she found out that she was pregnant. She was never so happy to have a little break from him. It would be difficult for her to disappear again after the last week or so without him becoming suspicious. She needed to be alone to work things out. She did not want to lose Conor, but she could not keep the baby. The idea did cross her mind once or twice over the last couple of days, but every time a cold sweat would form on her forehead, and she felt that she might be sick. Sammie had not said much to her since the day she found out either. She had been practically alone, which suited her just fine.