No Time for Goodbyes

by Andaleeb Wajid

  Manoj has parked the car and we’re all outside. We have to walk past the KRS dam to reach the Gardens and we’re all walking slowly in undifferentiated groups. Prerna slows down a little but Manoj quickens his pace and is walking with me. I look up at him sideways and smile and he smiles back.

  ‘This was a bad idea, right?’ he asks casually, looking out at the water in the dam. The dam gates aren’t open so everything looks serene.

  ‘No, it’s been nice,’ I tell him. ‘But what happened with your grandfather? Why were you arguing with him?’

  Manoj sighs loudly and runs his hand through his hair and shrugs. ‘He’s gone bonkers, the old man.’

  ‘Manoj!’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Don’t say that!’

  ‘You know, what he says now is that he can’t find a way to send you back!’ I stare at Manoj, unable to breathe. He can’t find a way to send me back? Is that true? I shake my head in response to Manoj’s question.

  ‘He says he can’t pinpoint any scientific reason why you were able to come back from the future and so he can’t reverse it.’

  ‘What?’ I ask the question loudly and then lower my voice. ‘What does that mean? I’m stuck here?’

  ‘For now, yes,’ he says looking down. No! I can’t believe it! The thought that eventually I will go back in a few days is what has sustained me for so long. I can’t bear the thought of never seeing my family again. And if I’m here, stuck in the past, then how am I going to be born in 1996? This doesn’t make any sense to me.

  Manoj takes my hand and I look up at his concerned face. ‘Look Tamanna,’ he says earnestly. I want to pull my hand out of his but he doesn’t let me.

  ‘Everyone is looking!’ I whisper but inside my heart is beating madly. Whether it’s because he’s holding my hand or because I might be stuck here forever, I don’t know.

  ‘I’ll find a way to send you back,’ he says. ‘I mean it.’

  ‘But how?’ I ask, on the verge of tears. ‘If he can’t then …’

  ‘I will,’ Manoj says firmly. ‘I’ll work on it and I’ll do something. Anything to send you back.’

  His words are meant to be comforting but they make me feel sad and I start crying. Manoj looks at me almost in horror before hugging me briefly.

  ‘Don’t! Don’t cry!’ he says, holding my shoulders. By now we have got an audience and I can see Prerna goggling at me, as though unable to believe what she’s seeing.

  I know that if the others start asking me why I’m crying, I’ll probably start blubbering about the future, so I start walking down the bridge towards the gardens quickly, brushing tears from my eyes.

  Nothing is making any sense to me any more. I reach the garden and walk aimlessly amongst the green lawns and the profusion of flowers. It’s really quite cold and I shiver a little and look back to see that the others have followed me but Ajji and group are wary while Manoj looks concerned and Prerna looks livid.

  ‘Whose idea was it to come here? In December?’ she asks, in a taunting voice as she gathers the jacket close around her.

  I don’t have the energy to reply to her so I look away. No one replies actually. Ajji breaks away from Suma and the girls and walks towards me. She enfolds me in her embrace and I hold her tight and try hard not to cry.

  ‘What is the matter? Why are you upset? Because you have to go back and you don’t want to?’ she asks me quietly.

  I shake my head. ‘I want to go back. My life is there. Not here,’ I tell her. Ajji nods sadly.

  ‘We’ll be sorry to see you go, Tamanna, but I understand,’ she says. ‘About Manoj, give him some time. Who knows, if you wait a while he might be able to join you there?’

  That’s never going to happen, but I just nod and try to walk away.

  ‘Whatever problem you’re having with him, put it behind for now. Please?’ she asks me and I nod again. Maybe she’s right. There’s little I can do now. Maybe I can start worrying from tomorrow.

  Twenty-five

  ‘THIS PLACE LIGHTS UP beautifully in the night,’ Manoj says as he passes by me and sits down on the grass. The others take it as an invitation to sit down as well and we all wince when we realise how cold and wet it is.

  Ajji admonishes us for not having brought the picnic cloth from the car but the car is parked too far away now.

  ‘It’s okay. Nothing will happen,’ Manoj says. It’s growing dark and lights are popping up everywhere slowly. There are a few other groups of people, foolish enough like us to come out in the sharp biting December cold.

  Ajji still has some snacks that we haven’t yet finished and she passes them around. We crunch our way through them but it’s nothing like the morning picnic we had. Everyone had been so happy and thrilled then and although the girls were a little doubtful about me, we were still one happy unit. Now, Prerna is here instead of Mr Prakash and no one looks happy.

  ‘Let’s play a game,’ Manoj suggests. I glance at him, realising that he’s probably trying to lighten the strained atmosphere. I think back to the games we play in 2012 during parties but Ajji’s presence is going to be a bit of a bummer. Also, Suma. She’s my mother, for god’s sake! Even if she doesn’t know that yet.

  ‘What kind of game?’ Prerna asks, looking bored.

  ‘Truth or dare,’ Manoj says and I look up in surprise. Teens back in 1982 were a pretty sharp lot too, huh?

  ‘Ooh! How do you play this game?’ Reena asks, looking excited for the first time that day since Prerna has turned up in her bling-ey magnificence, outshining all of us. Ajji looks bored and cold and I feel sorry for her, stuck with a group of teenagers with no one to talk to.

  ‘I’ll go for a walk and see the water fountains,’ she suggests and gets up. I’m almost thankful that she’s gone because it’s never any fun playing with adults around.

  When Ajji is gone, we move into a circle and Manoj explains the game to the girls. Apparently Prerna has played it before and she looks eager to start.

  ‘Who’s going first?’ Manoj asks.

  ‘Let’s start with you!’ Prerna suggests with a flirty smile and Suma and I look at each other and roll our eyes in the same way.

  ‘Fine,’ Manoj agrees.

  ‘Truth or dare?’ Prerna asks.

  ‘Truth,’ Manoj says and Prerna claps her hand, as though in glee. What is she going to ask him?

  ‘Who was the first girl you fell in love with?’ she asks and I look away embarrassed. This is stupid.

  ‘Zeenat Aman,’ Manoj says with a straight face and we all laugh except Prerna. What? Was she thinking he’d say her name?

  ‘Really?’ she asks disdainfully.

  ‘Really,’ Manoj admits. ‘Have you even seen her in Qurbani?’

  Prerna flings her hair back and looks miffed. Since we’re going clockwise, the next person is Vidya who looks flustered.

  ‘Truth or dare?’ Manoj asks her.

  ‘Dare! Dare!’ I egg her on but she looks a little alarmed and shakes her head.

  ‘Truth!’ she says softly.

  ‘Which is your favourite subject in school?’ Manoj asks, probably taking pity on her because she’s the youngest.

  ‘Do I have to name only one?’ she asks and I slap my forehead.

  Manoj laughs and nods. ‘English,’ she says and it’s her turn to ask Reena.

  ‘Dare,’ Reena says, hoping to make the game a little more fun.

  Vidya doesn’t understand what she can ‘dare’ Reena to do so she looks around for help.

  ‘Dare her to climb that tree,’ I suggest, pointing to a tree behind us. Reena looks around frantically, shaking her head.

  ‘You took the dare, you have to,’ Prerna insists.

  ‘No, she doesn’t,’ Suma says, crossing her arms. Wow. My mom can be quite the protector if she wants to.

  ‘It’s a part of the game. What was she thinking we’d dare her to do?’ Prerna asks in an ugly tone of voice. I look over to Manoj then and see that he’s looking exasperated.<
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  ‘Fine, I’ll do it,’ Reena says, getting up and moving towards the tree. We all watch her avidly as she tries to swing herself onto the lowest branch but is quite unsuccessful. Finally, she manages to hang on to the branch with her arms and then lets go and falls in a heap. It’s not funny and no one is laughing except Prerna.

  Reena comes back to her place and sits subdued. Manoj looks uncomfortable at the turn of events but Reena turns to Suma and asks the truth or dare question.

  ‘Truth,’ Suma says and Reena looks thoughtful.

  ‘What is the one thing that you really want to do very badly?’ Reena asks. All of us are waiting for Suma’s answer.

  ‘Write a book,’ Suma replies and I’m really quite stunned at her response. Never once has mom shown any interest towards writing a book in her life. At least the life I know.

  ‘But you don’t even read that much!’ I protest without realising how it sounds. Suma raises her eyebrow.

  ‘So? I like the idea of sitting down and creating my own characters and putting them in any fancy setting that I want. Also, you can ask Reena and Vidya and they’ll tell you that I tell the best stories ever.’

  In a way, that’s true. Mom has always had the most vivid imagination when it comes to conjuring stories for Raina and me. She used to make up monsters and their slayers on the fly using everyday objects just to enthral us when we were small. Now of course it’s been ages since we’ve heard a story from her and it has never occurred to me to ask her why. I also wish I knew why she gave up on this dream of hers.

  ‘Your turn,’ Suma says succinctly and I swallow. I obviously can’t choose Truth. This is the opportunity that she’s been waiting for since she woke me up this morning.

  ‘Dare,’ I announce before she can even ask me the question.

  Suma looks around at the girls and even glances up to see whether Ajji is returning. Oh god! What will she ask me to do? There’s an evil kind of smile on her face.

  ‘I dare you to tell Manoj what you feel for him,’ she says, sitting back calmly although her words have knocked the air out of my body.

  Twenty-six

  ‘SHALL WE LEAVE?’

  Ajji couldn’t have come at a more opportune moment. I don’t look at anyone as I scramble to get up first and brush my jeans. The wet has seeped inside and it’s making me feel rather cold now. I huddle into my shawl and nod, walking towards Ajji. Only when I briefly turn around to survey those who are still there, I notice that Prerna is looking surly while Suma is looking dismayed. Manoj for some reason has a grim look on his face and I find that I’m unable to tear my gaze away from him.

  Ajji holds out her hand and I drop my cold hand into hers.

  ‘We’d better get back. It’s really cold now,’ she says. I know! By the time we reach home, it’s going to be really late in the night. The lights have come up everywhere and it’s an ethereal moment—the cold air, the twinkling lights, the fragrance of all those thousands of flowers and the quiet power of the dam nearby.

  ‘We have to pick up Mr Prakash from his daughter’s house,’ I remind her. The two of us start walking slowly across the darkened landscape and I briefly notice that the others are following us as well—the girls in one group and Manoj and Prerna talking together are lagging behind.

  I turn back and walk with Ajji past the bridge where we have to reach the car. As we pass the dam, I hear the roaring sound of water and feel my insides clutch. It sounds just like the day I fell inside the photograph and came here.

  ‘What is it?’ Ajji asks, looking at me concerned. I shake my head and will Manoj to walk faster but I don’t want to approach him because of Prerna.

  Is it only me hearing the roaring sound? I turn to Ajji. ‘Can you hear the sound of water?’ I ask her.

  ‘Yes, it’s right here,’ she points to the dam. The dam is not open at the moment so that’s definitely not where the roar of sound came from.

  ‘Like waves crashing on a beach,’ I ask her, feeling a little alarmed. What’s happening?

  Ajji shakes her head. Apparently only I can hear it. I wait for the girls to catch up and then Manoj but I don’t know what I will tell him. I’m on the verge of taking out my phone and calling Mr Prakash when I remember that this is 1982 and there are no mobile phones. My phone is in my pocket and I touch it, trying to get some comfort from its solid shape.

  The girls haven’t noticed anything odd in my behaviour and as they walk past, there’s that smell. Sweet almond oil. I’m now beginning to panic. Uncaring of what anyone would think I run towards Manoj and drag him away from there. I don’t care how outraged Prerna looks right now.

  ‘Manoj, you have to come with me,’ I whisper furiously as I drag him towards the car park.

  ‘What is it?’ he asks sounding annoyed. I tell him about the sound of water and the smell of sweet almond oil.

  ‘So?’ he asks, looking nonplussed. ‘It doesn’t have to mean anything.’

  I rub my forehead in agitation. How can he be so blasé about it?

  ‘What if this means … this means that I’m going back?’ I ask him, my voice high-pitched. The others are still some distance away from the car.

  ‘You’re still here,’ he says, turning to open the car door.

  ‘But … if I go back …’ I’m unable to complete my sentence.

  ‘It’s what you want, right?’ he asks. I’m breathless and it’s not because of the walking I’ve done.

  ‘Yes,’ I nod, ‘but …’

  ‘But what Tamanna?’ he asks, sliding inside the car and leaning back to open the locks in the rear doors.

  ‘I …’ I don’t know what to tell him. None of it makes sense anyway. How can I tell him that I wish I didn’t have to go? I can’t quite believe it myself. I actually like 1982. Maybe I can tell him that.

  ‘I … I really like 1982,’ I tell him. I’m still standing outside and he’s inside so he looks out at me through the window but doesn’t say anything. I don’t want the others to see me so I get in through the other side and slide into the seat beside him.

  ‘It’s so different from what I’m used to. People actually listen when you talk to them.’

  ‘Why? What do people do in your time if someone talks to them?’ Manoj asks, his forehead bunching up a little.

  I don’t know. Get engrossed in their phones, I guess. I shrug.

  ‘Life is so much easier and I don’t know why, but it feels free for some reason. It’s so uncomplicated.’

  ‘Uncomplicated?’ Manoj asks with a snarky kind of laugh. I look at him surprised. He’s never behaved this way with me before.

  I nod because I don’t know what else to tell him.

  ‘Tell me if this is complicated enough for you,’ he says before pulling me towards him and kissing me.

  Twenty-seven

  THE NIGHT SKY IS sprinkled with stars. That is all I can see. Actually that is all I am willing to look at for the moment. I’m too confused and shocked by Manoj’s kiss and I cannot think any more. The car is moving evenly back to the main city where we are headed towards Renuka Aunty’s house from where we will pick up Mr Prakash and drop off Prerna.

  I don’t know which is more icy—the December night or her demeanour because she saw us kissing. I can just about recall her loud gasp and that was when I pushed Manoj away, feeling mortified. What was I thinking? Why hadn’t I pushed him away earlier?

  I realise that everyone including Ajji is asleep at the back of the car. Manoj parks outside his aunt’s house after a short while and gets out of the car. Prerna too gets down and leaves without saying good bye to Manoj. I feel a little bad about how this situation has ended up but I can only be glad that no one else saw anything or I’m sure Ajji would have pinned me with a disapproving glare.

  Manoj comes back and opens the door and gets in. His grandfather joins us shortly and although I want to tell him about hearing the water and smelling the almond oil, I don’t want to take chances with Ajji and everyone at the back.
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br />   ‘I told him about it already,’ Manoj answers the unasked question and I settle back into the seat, without looking at him. Okay.

  ‘And he’s made some modifications although I doubt anything works,’ Manoj goes on. Mr Prakash makes a sound of annoyance and I shut my eyes because I don’t want another uncomfortable or odd situation now. I’ve had enough of those all day.

  The rest of the journey back to Bangalore is uneventful. Unless you count the fact that even Mr Prakash falls asleep within minutes of leaving Mysore. It really is like only Manoj and I are in the car. I don’t think I’ll ever forget this night as long as I live.

  We’re somewhere on the highway when Manoj finally breaks the silence.

  ‘Why so quiet?’ he asks in that low voice that does all kinds of funny things to me.

  ‘I don’t have anything to say,’ I reply without looking at him.

  ‘Really?’ he asks, sounding sceptical. I shrug lightly.

  ‘And you’re not able to look at me because …’

  I feel my face flush up a little. ‘I’m only 16. I’ve never been kissed before,’ I reply stiffly.

  ‘And why is that so hard to believe?’ Manoj asks in that same snarky tone right before he kissed me. I finally face him angrily.

  ‘What do you mean?’ I whisper furiously turning to him.

  ‘I …’ he looks slightly taken aback by my anger and he shrugs. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean anything,’ he says almost immediately.

  His tone of voice sets off all kinds of emotions inside me and I look at my hands in the dark, trying to subdue the feelings.

  ‘What are we going to do, Manoj?’ I whisper and he shakes his head.

  ‘That’s one question that you cannot ask me,’ he replies.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because I never asked for any of this. And there’s no “we”. It’s only “you” and by the look of things, you’ll be headed back into 2012 soon.’ He says this with a shrug and I turn away from him because it’s true and it hurts.