No Time for Goodbyes

by Andaleeb Wajid

  ‘Why can’t you carry your own bag?’ Suma asks me then, her tone a little nasty. I suppose she didn’t like the way I’d behaved with Manoj. I look away from her unwilling to talk any more. We all move back inside the house, Manoj’s aunt looking quite distressed at the events that have taken place.

  After my initial burst of anger, I’m feeling numb. I don’t know what’s going to happen, whether Manoj will be able to retrieve the bag or not. It may be night here in 1983 but it was a bright, early cold morning back in 2012. I’ve known people to suffer from jet lag but since I’m the only time traveller I know, I can’t ask anyone if they’ve suffered from time lag as well.

  We’re sitting in the hall waiting anxiously for the three boys to turn up when Vidya comes and sits down beside me.

  ‘I know you’re worried about your passport but …’ she trails away looking shy.

  I’ve almost got my breathing under control. ‘No tell me,’ I ask her, placing my hand over hers and trying to smile. I probably look like one of those psychos on TV shows.

  ‘Are there any more of those Harry Potter books?’ she asks. Seriously? She wants to know about Harry Potter? I’m so panicky that I’m sure all my organs are jumping around inside. How do I tell her that Harry grew up and married Ginny and they have kids and his scar doesn’t throb any more? I put my head down in my hands and once again try to breathe deeply.

  ‘Yes, a new one came out,’ I tell her instead. ‘But I didn’t think I’d be meeting you or I would have got it along.’ She looks slightly disappointed and I want to shake her slim shoulders. What if Manoj can’t retrieve the camera and I’m unable to go back?

  Although Manoj and I haven’t resolved our situation or our feelings for each other, I know that I cannot stay here. Much as he’d like me to. Much as I’d like to. I have to go back.

  Forty-two

  I LOOK AT MY watch and realise that it’s just ten in the night and not midnight as I’ve been thinking. But that’s because Ajji and the girls have been yawning and despite telling them to go sleep, they’re sitting up with me, waiting for Manoj to get back.

  I’m unable to sit still and after sometime I start pacing the living room. Manoj’s aunt brings coffee for all of us. I hate that I’m the reason why they’re all so worried or awake when they clearly want to go to sleep.

  ‘I’m sorry, Aunty,’ I mutter to her as I take a steel tumbler from her gratefully and inhale deeply.

  ‘Why are you saying sorry ma?’ she asks as she sits down on the sofa. ‘Anyone would be worried.’

  I nod as I take a sip of the steaming brew and instantly feel better. That’s when I realise that Ajji has been watching me with an astute look in her eyes. I feel anxious because she gave me a similar look back in the present.

  ‘Tamanna, why don’t you come and sit down?’ she suggests, patting the space beside her. I badly want to curl up on her lap and sleep but if I do that, chances are that Suma will bristle in anger. Nevertheless I walk up to her and sit down and she smiles at me, pushing the hair away from my face.

  ‘What have you done to your hair?’ she asks gently and I try not to laugh. She has asked me the same question in 2012 as well.

  ‘You don’t like?’ I ask her.

  ‘It’s okay,’ she says, making a face. ‘If you had long hair, you could have had a nice long braid to weave jasmine flowers into. But where you will get jasmine flowers in Australia?’ she sighs.

  I’m grinning at the picture she has just suggested. ‘Even if I do, the jeans will cramp the look,’ I tell her and she agrees, looking down at my jeans and my short sleeved top. Vidya has fallen asleep and Reena looks sleepy but is trying hard to stay awake. Suma is completely alert though.

  ‘I don’t understand your parents,’ Ajji says. ‘How can they let a young girl like you travel all the way from Australia to India?’

  I have no answer to that.

  ‘Will they be worried if you don’t get on your flight?’ she asks and I nod. She has no idea. I don’t even want to think about the possibility of Manoj not finding the camera. Since it’s been nearly four hours since I’ve come here, I know that by now the college must have called my parents frantically because I’m not waking up. I wonder what Reshma or Rajat have made of this whole scene.

  When the doorbell rings, we all jump up and although Manoj’s aunt goes to open the door, I follow her. One look at Manoj’s face and I know he hasn’t had any luck. He looks angry and downcast while Mahesh’s father explains what happened. They had apparently followed the direction the thief had taken but of course he’d disappeared long back. Then they’d decided to go to the police station where they had to file a report.

  I want to sink to the ground and just ooze way. Disappear. Manoj is looking at my reaction and he moves forward and pulls me away from there. I’m feeling all kinds of panic bubble inside me.

  ‘Listen. We’ll find it. Don’t worry,’ he says and I screw my eyes shut.

  ‘Tamanna!’ he repeats, and I can feel his hands on mine squeezing to give reassurance but I’m scared.

  ‘What will I do Manoj? What will I do?’ I ask him, knowing how hysterical I sound.

  ‘Listen, relax. I will find it for you,’ he says, urging me to believe his words. I look into his eyes, at his intense gaze and then he shakes his head as though to clear something. The two of us walk back to join the others where Mahesh’s father is explaining what the police have said.

  ‘They have said that they will call and inform us if they find the thief or the bag,’ he concludes and I glance at Manoj who nods.

  ‘Manoj, we’re still going to Bangalore in the morning right?’ Suma asks and I roll my eyes at her not bothering to conceal my irritation.

  ‘How can we go to Bangalore when my … my passport is missing?’ I ask her and Manoj looks at me and quickly covers up any surprise his face has shown.

  ‘Your passport is missing. You stay here and wait till it’s found,’ she says, eyes flashing with anger.

  ‘I ... but …’ I can barely remember that she’s my future mom. She just seems like the most annoying and sanctimonious …

  Ajji is watching the play of emotions on my face and she steps in, smiling at me apologetically.

  ‘Tamanna, don’t mind her. It’s just that we have to be in Bangalore tomorrow. One of my relatives is arriving from Coimbatore and she is going to stay at home for a few days,’ she explains.

  This whole thing is driving me crazy. I can’t stay here without Manoj but I can’t go back to Bangalore without knowing where the camera is.

  ‘I d-don’t know what to do,’ I tell her, my lips trembling a little with fear. I sense Manoj tensing beside me.

  ‘Oh please. I know what you’re going to do. You’re just going to invite yourself to Bangalore with us,’ Suma says scornfully. I look at her amazed. When I had asked mom about Tamanna, she’d never displayed any of this antagonism. Neither had she mentioned that she’d met her twice.

  ‘Suma!’ Ajji admonishes her. ‘Tamanna has to come with us. How can she stay here in Madras when she doesn’t know anyone?’

  ‘Why can’t she go to the Australian Embassy and complain about her missing passport?’ Suma says, refusing to let go.

  ‘I’m an Indian. Why should I go to the Australian Embassy?’ I ask her straightening up to look at her squarely in the eye.

  Manoj looks at everyone exasperated. ‘Look. We have an early day tomorrow. Let’s go to sleep and then discuss this on the way back home.’ I look at him dismayed. We were going to Bangalore while the camera was lost somewhere in Chennai?

  ‘Tamanna can sleep with the girls,’ Manoj’s aunt suggests quietly and I snort in anger, knowing how welcome I am especially where Suma is concerned.

  ‘Manoj. Mahesh, I’ll be leaving,’ his friend says, interrupting our angry stares and Mahesh nods looking uncomfortable.

  Manoj looks away from our face-off and looks apologetic. ‘Sorry for all this drama Deepak,’ he says and I look at Mahe
sh’s friend properly, for the first time that evening and I’m shocked. Could it be?

  Oh my god. I feel the blood rush to my face when I realise why this person looked familiar. It’s dad.

  Forty-three

  ‘WAIT!’ I SAY BEFORE I can stop myself and he turns around in surprise. Everyone is looking at me expectantly as I take in the image of my bespectacled father with his oiled hair and checked shirt. I know that travelling back to the present has become precarious now but I still want to take a good look at dad before he became my dad.

  ‘Yes?’ he asks me and I shake my head.

  ‘Sorry. You just reminded me of someone,’ I tell him. He nods at all of us and then turns to leave. I quickly look at Suma to see whether she’s shown any interest in him but she doesn’t seem to be bothered at all. She’s looking at Manoj and it’s all I can do to stop myself from physically forcing her to look away from him. I thought she’d stopped crushing on him.

  Beside me, I sense Manoj as he leans in closely and whispers. ‘You know him?’

  I nod but don’t tell him anything further because everyone is now getting ready to sleep. There are plenty of yawns and I watch the girls and Ajji troop towards a bedroom. I have to sleep with them but the problem is that I don’t feel sleepy at all. It’s just midday for me back in 2012.

  ‘Not sleepy?’ Manoj asks. I notice he’s been lingering around even though the others have slowly moved away. I shake my head and look at him in dismay thinking of the camera again when he moves closer and eases the frown lines on my forehead with the tips of his fingers.

  ‘Let’s worry about it tomorrow,’ he says.

  I feel a bit exasperated. ‘But …’

  ‘No buts. Come with me,’ he says pulling me towards a staircase that I hadn’t noticed before. His aunt is looking at us with a lot of interest and I’m a little embarrassed. He couldn’t have made it clearer that he wants to spend time with me but …

  ‘I’m taking her to the terrace,’ he explains to his aunt who raises one eyebrow sceptically.

  ‘Fine. But don’t stay up for too long. You’re driving tomorrow,’ she says before turning around. The house has become quiet and it’s only the two of us pushing open the door to the terrace. Outside, the night air is still warm but it’s lovely. All those stars! I can’t stop staring at them.

  We’re standing near the parapet looking at the dark velvety sky and Manoj slips his hand into mine. It seems like a perfect moment, one that I don’t want to ruin by asking him what we should do to get me back.

  ‘I don’t remember seeing so many stars in my life before,’ I tell him in a low voice and turn to look at him.

  He shrugs. ‘The future is not what it’s all cut out to be, eh?’ he asks. I shake my head.

  ‘Why?’ he asks.

  I don’t even stop to think as I tell him, ‘It doesn’t have you in it.’ I wish I can slap my forehead loudly for having said that. What if he asks me again about what he’s doing in the future? How can I tell him what mom or Ajji has said? That he simply disappeared and never came back?

  Thankfully, my words have triggered something else. ‘Then who is this Rajat?’ he asks, crossing his arms and looking at me seriously.

  ‘A friend. A friend who happens to be a boy,’ I explain feeling relieved.

  ‘And?’

  ‘And what? Nothing,’ I decide not to tell him the circumstances of how he became my friend.

  When Manoj doesn’t say anything, I prod his arm. ‘You’re jealous?’ I ask with a smile.

  He shakes his head. ‘I have no right to be. You should be free to have a boyfriend who is more than just a friend in 2012 because he’ll be right for you. I ...’

  Here we go again.

  ‘You said we’re going to worry tomorrow,’ I remind him and he turns to me, a sad smile on his face.

  ‘But it’s in my head all the time Tamanna. What we have between us … it’s wrong,’ he says, pushing his hands in his pockets and looking up at the sky as though for confirmation.

  ‘Wrong?’ I ask him, a little stunned. Weird and strange, yes. But wrong?

  ‘So who’s Deepak?’ he asks to change the topic. I don’t know whether to be relieved or angry.

  ‘My father,’ I say, looking away from him and I can sense his gasp.

  ‘What?’

  ‘You heard me the first time right?’ I ask turning to him. There’s shock in his eyes which then turns to amused merriment.

  ‘You’re sure?’ he asks.

  ‘Absolutely. I didn’t recognise him right away because of the hairstyle but when you mentioned his name, I looked again and …’

  ‘What hairstyle?’ Manoj asks, still looking very amused.

  ‘Dad’s bald now,’ I reply with a fake smile. At this, Manoj touches his own hair and sighs.

  ‘And you have no idea if …’

  ‘If you’re bald or fat or … or dead?’ I ask him, surprised by the anger in my voice. He looks at me warily, uncertain of my mood.

  The day’s events seem too much to me suddenly and I sink to the ground in tears. I wanted this so badly, to come back and see Manoj. But once again, I’m stuck here and although I know it means I’ll have more time with him, I’m terrified of losing myself in the past.

  ‘Hey’ he sits down beside me, wiping the tears from my face. ‘Don’t cry.’

  I continue sobbing and then I don’t know when he’s shifted so that I’m resting my head on his shoulders and he’s stroking my hair. Somehow it just seems to magnify all my fears and uncertainties about everything. A thought has been plaguing my mind since the time I came here and I finally let it out so I can examine it. It’s not a reassuring thought and I turn to Manoj.

  ‘What’s happening to me, Manoj?’ I ask through hiccups and he sits back a little to look at my face, surprised.

  ‘What do you mean?’ he asks.

  ‘This whole time travel thing. It’s happening only to me. I didn’t tell you earlier but when I came here, the library assistant picked up the photo before I could but nothing happened to him. So that means it’s to do with me. I’m the one who’s making it happen. Why? How?’ I ask feeling confused.

  Manoj looks troubled. ‘I never considered this before. Never thought that it had anything to do with you,’ he says.

  ‘I didn’t either,’ I admit. ‘But I’ve been thinking of what happens to me when I’m here. In the present, I go into a deep sleep kind of thing. So what is it? Is it like a very real dream?’

  ‘Do I seem like a dream to you?’ he asks in that low voice of his that always makes me feel funny inside. I touch his arm and shake my head.

  ‘You’re more real to me than anything or anyone I know in the present,’ I tell him. We sit there looking at each other in what seems like a moment that has been stretched to infinity. After that it only seems natural that we end up kissing.

  Forty-four

  THE ROOM WHERE THE girls and Ajji are sleeping is dark and I step inside cautiously, resisting my temptation to turn on the light from my cell phone. I don’t know where I’m supposed to be sleeping so I stand there for a while letting my eyes get adjusted to the darkness. I can make out shadowy forms on the ground and there’s a bed where I think Ajji’s sleeping. I have to stare harder until I can see that there’s an empty spot for me on the mattresses.

  I gingerly step forward and make my way towards the spot and lie down with a sigh. I’m startled when the person next to me speaks up. It’s Suma. My mouth tightens in a grim line. I don’t want to deal with her. There’s too much going on in my head. This whole time travel thingy, Manoj and I realising that I’m the one triggering it, our feelings for each other … it’s all too complicated.

  ‘Took you long enough to come down from the terrace,’ she comments in a whisper and I can sense her nasty undertone. I’m so tempted to tell her the truth about who I am. Just to shock her a bit.

  ‘I wish you’d never come to India!’ she says fiercely and I turn to look at her amazed.
What did I ever do to her?

  ‘Why?’ I ask, turning to her and trying to keep my voice level.

  ‘Because Manoj changed after you went. He just changed. It was like a light had been switched off inside him,’ she says, looking up at the shadowed ceiling where the fan rotated slowly. I want to tell her to back off Manoj. She’s marrying Deepak after all. But I can’t tell her because, well in the future she’s my mother. God, this is all so messed up, I think, as I turn on my back again to stare at the ceiling like her.

  ‘I wish I hadn’t come too,’ I whisper, not knowing where that came from. Is it true? In parts, maybe. Travelling back into time showed me so much more about life the last time around. I learned to take things slow and not to be so dependent on technology whether it was a cell phone or an oven. But this time? Everything seems to be clouded by my feelings for Manoj and what it can mean in the long term.

  ‘Then why did you come again?’ she asks me.

  ‘I couldn’t help it,’ I tell her honestly.

  ‘So … you also feel the same way as he does?’ she asks in a small voice and I sigh loudly.

  ‘Suma, don’t take this the wrong way but Manoj … he’s not the guy for you,’ I tell her. There’s silence and I know I’ve offended her terribly.

  ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ she says after a pause.

  ‘So you don’t have any feelings for him?’ I challenge her, turning to look at her once again. How surreal is this?

  ‘No. He’s been like an older brother and I don’t want to see him hurt,’ she says, meeting my eyes squarely. It takes me a minute of staring to realise that she’s not lying.

  ‘You mean … you don’t have any feelings for him?’ I ask her again, feeling relief flood me.

  ‘I’ll be honest. I did. But that was a schoolgirl crush. And I know he doesn’t think of me that way. It was easy to get over it. But after you came everything changed. When you left the last time, he walked around for a week in a daze,’ she says.