My Favorite Band Does Not Exist

by Robert T. Jeschonek

  He blew out a sigh of relief. "That was close," he whispered.

  Eunice frowned, looking lost in thought. Then she stood up straight. "I'll be right back."

  Idea grabbed her elbow. "Get down! They'll see you!"

  "I certainly hope so." Eunice shook off his hand. "This is a golden opportunity." She cleared her throat and patted her hair. "You stay here, okay? I'll just be a minute."

  Idea made another grab for her arm, but she dodged and kept moving. Crouching behind the clothes rack, he watched her march toward Bulab and Scholar.

  His stomach twisted as he wondered what she was up to. Was she planning to hand him over in hopes of getting a reward? Maybe he should make a run for it while he still could.

  Or maybe she was up to something else altogether.

  Eunice pulled a piece of paper and a pen from her pocket and scribbled something down. When she was a few steps from Bulab and Scholar, she spun around. Her eyes met Idea's as she walked backward, away from him, approaching the two men.

  Why she was walking backward, Idea couldn't imagine. He became even more baffled when she stopped, and Bulab and Scholar turned to face her.

  The two men seemed to listen for a moment to something that she was saying. Idea wondered how she could possibly be saying a thing, since she was facing him and her lips weren't moving.

  Bulab said something, then Scholar, and then they both listened some more. Idea couldn't hear a word.

  As he watched, Eunice stretched her arm out behind her, holding up the folded slip of paper. Bulab took it from her hand and opened it.

  Scholar read over Bulab's shoulder, then said something to Eunice, who shrugged. To Idea, whom she was facing, it looked as if she were shrugging at him ... but Scholar reacted as if he were the focus of her attention. With a frown and a shake of his head, he looked back down at the note in Bulab's hands.

  At that point, Eunice waved and started to move away from them, walking forward toward Idea. Scholar asked her a question, and Bulab asked one, too, but her only response was a shrug and a shake of the head, both of which incongruously seemed to be directed at Idea.

  As she continued to walk away from them, Bulab said something to Scholar, who nodded. Then, they bolted in the direction of the exit that led to the parking lot.

  Eunice grinned as she approached Idea. "Thank you for your applause, ladies and gentlemen. For my next trick, I will saw my lovely assistant, Idea Deity, into fourteen pieces and turn each piece into a white rabbit chewing on the ace of spades."

  Idea stood up from behind the clothes rack and stared at her, unable to process what he'd just seen her do. He couldn't quite believe it had happened the way it had seemed to.

  "What?" Eunice tilted her head to one side. "What's wrong?"

  "I thought you just ... Did you just..." His voice trailed off. He rubbed the triangle of moles on his left cheek with the tip of his index finger.

  "Seize a golden opportunity to throw them off your trail?" A hint of a playful smile twitched at the corners of her mouth. "The answer is yes."

  Idea decided to stick with a part of the incident that at least made sense according to the laws of nature. "The note. What was on the note you gave them?"

  "It was from you, actually." Eunice grinned. "You told them they'd just missed you. You dared them to try to catch up to you. Oh, and you said they were so colossally incompetent that they make complete morons look like world-class geniuses."

  "No wonder they rushed off," said Idea.

  "My guess is they'll head for Maysville, Kentucky, since they know from the Youforia website that's where you're going."

  "Wait a minute," said Idea. "That is where we're going. Why is it good that they're headed for the same place?"

  "Maybe they'll get to Maysville first, have a look around, see you're not there, and go someplace else," said Eunice. "At least we'll have a better idea of where they are from now on. We'll know they're up ahead, between us and Maysville, and we can keep an eye out for them."

  Idea scowled as he thought it over. "I don't know."

  Eunice sighed. "Come with me." She grabbed his arm and pulled him out of the women's clothing department into the main aisle.

  As Idea walked behind her, he stared at the face that was tattooed on the back of her head. He'd mistaken it for a three-dimensional face once, but only for a second when he'd first met her. How could two grown men who'd gotten a good look treat it like the front of a person, right down to talking to it?

  Eunice led him to the glass double doors of the store. Looking around nervously, he tried to dig in his heels—afraid Bulab and Scholar might see him—but she managed to haul him through the first set of doors, anyway.

  Once inside the vestibule, she let go of him. Walking up to the second set of doors, she tapped one yin-yang-painted fingernail on the thick glass. "There they go."

  When Idea looked, he saw Bulab and Scholar jogging across the parking lot outside the mall. They jumped into a black BMW, backed it out of its space with a jolt, and sent it hurtling toward the exit.

  "See ya later, suckahs," said Eunice.

  "Thanks," said Idea. "That's the second time you helped me get away from them."

  "All part of the service." Eunice pretended to brush dirt from her hands.

  "I just have one question." He hesitated. "How did you—if you were looking at me, why were they acting like you were looking at them?"

  "Well..." Eunice smiled at him with a sheepish expression. "It's like ventriloquism."

  "Oh." Idea nodded.

  "Only it's not," she added. "And we know who the real dummies were."

  Idea grimaced in confusion. "Wait a minute—"

  But Eunice waved off his questions. "Let's get going."

  She herded him out the door, across the parking lot, and into the Beetle before he managed to formulate another question.

  "Are you trying to tell me you can talk through the back of your head?" he asked Eunice as she started the car.

  The Beetle's tires squealed as she backed it out of its space. "Worry about that later. We've got a Youforia show to catch."

  "But—"

  Eunice pitched Fireskull's Revenant at him, and he caught it.

  "Read that," she said as they lurched out of the parking lot onto the street. "We've got a lot of driving to do."

  Idea opened the book and started reading, but he was thinking more about Eunice than the story.

  FIRESKULL could not believe what he was hearing.

  The witch Scrier Inevitas floated in front of him, her diaphanous white gown flowing and rippling as if she were underwater. "Your only chance for survival is to join with your neighbor," she said. "You must combine your forces, else both your kingdoms shall be lost."

  Fireskull smiled and raised an index finger. "Excuse me. Did you know that a prophet told me the world will end if I do exactly what you're telling me to do?"

  Scrier did not answer his question. Her long blond hair waved like fronds of seaweed in a current.

  Her eyes were fixed on Fireskull with languid, distant apathy. It was always that way with Scrier; she freely dispensed information but never gave Fireskull the impression that she cared what he did with it, or even cared who he was.

  Folding his hands behind his back, he paced a few steps across the stone floor of his enormous throne room. He gathered his thoughts, then turned on his heel and paced back to the sorceress.

  "I called you here for advice on how best to exploit the current state of affairs," he said. "I do not care about mending fences with my worthless neighbor."

  "The prophecy you were given is a sham. It was meant to keep you from your destiny."

  "And my destiny is to join forces with Johnny Without?"

  "Among other things," said Scrier.

  Fireskull lowered his head and breathed out a wisp of black smoke. "You must know that Johnny is my mortal enemy. I have sworn never to rest until I have destroyed him and taken back what is mine."

&nbs
p; "It is time to change," said Scrier. "Or perish."

  "And how can I be sure that Highcast's prophecy is a sham?" said Fireskull.

  "I know how and when the world will end," said Scrier. "And I tell you, it will not end on so-called Boomsday when you come face-to-face with your enemy neighbor."

  "I suppose I have only your word for it," said Fireskull.

  Scrier's hair whipped and snapped like a nest of striking cobras. "Ignore me at your peril. The universe will go on without you."

  Fireskull smiled. "That's too bad. I had always hoped it wouldn't."

  "You have been warned." With that, Scrier's body began to rotate and drift upward. "We shall meet again." She spun faster and rose higher with each turn.

  "See you then!" Fireskull said with a bow. Although he had many more questions, he knew from experience that it was fruitless to try to convince her to stay. "Thank you for your counsel, Sorceress."

  As he watched, Scrier launched straight up to the vaulted ceiling and shot through it like an arrow.

  When she was gone, Fireskull resumed pacing. He thought about what she had told him, measuring it word for word against what Highcast the prophet had told him.

  On the face of it, Scrier's advice went against Fireskull's every desire and instinct, not to mention Highcast's prophecy. Of the two seers, however, Fireskull trusted Scrier more; he had seen her predictions come true again and again.

  In addition, the longer he thought about it, the more he came to appreciate Scrier's advice. Although it had at first seemed the opposite of what Fireskull would ever consider doing, he began to see that it could allow him to do exactly what he wanted.

  "Ilk!" he shouted suddenly, his voice filling the throne room. "Come here!"

  Fireskull's chief minister, Ilk Sugarcoat, lunged into the chamber at a dead run, her red robes flapping behind her.

  "Your malevolent perfection shall burn away all deception and weakness!" Ilk flung herself to her knees at his feet. "The world awaits your wicked kiss. I mean bliss."

  Fireskull tipped his head back and breathed out a jet of golden flame, which for him was like a roar of triumphant laughter. "Rise and obey me, maggot food."

  Ilk sprung to her feet and stood there, shivering and panting. She was tiny, barely half as tall as Fireskull, with short red hair and freckles. He had always thought of her as a small dog, jittery and neurotic at the hands of her master and viciously cruel when set loose on a stranger.

  "Order General Undercut to mobilize the armies," said Fireskull. "Today we march on the kingdom of Without."

  As he snapped out his orders, Fireskull's body rushed with the heat of impending action. For nearly a day, since hearing Highcast's prophecy, he had held back his forces. Now, the way he saw it, Scrier had given him permission to move against Johnny.

  "We are putting everything into this push," said Fireskull. "I want every able-bodied man, woman, and child in the kingdom armed and marching."

  "They shall kill each other for the honor of serving you first and best," said Ilk.

  "Hold nothing in reserve," said Fireskull. "We will not leave behind a single arrow, blade, or torch."

  Ilk bowed deeply. "Shall I schedule the victory celebration and raise a fresh pike on the castle walls for Johnny's head?"

  Fireskull considered her question. He knew better than to tempt fate needlessly, but he had a feeling that after years of stalemate with Johnny, things were finally looking up.

  According to Scrier, Highcast's prophecy was a sham and the end of the world was out of the picture. Instead of staying away from Johnny, Fireskull had to join forces with him to fulfill his destiny.

  What better way to join forces, Fireskull thought, than to conquer Johnny's kingdom and absorb his military might? After all, Scrier had not specifically forbidden such action.

  At least, that was what Fireskull wanted to believe, which was enough to convince him of the outcome of his new war.

  Laughing, he thumped Ilk's shoulder with his enormous gauntlet. "Schedule a month of celebrations and raise the highest pike in the kingdom! Mark my words! They shall sing epic ballads about our triumph for centuries to come!"

  Ilk shivered, gaping up at him with bloodshot eyes. "D-does that mean you want me to commission the m-minstrel to write a ballad?"

  Fireskull walked to the window and gazed out at the landscape, its rolling hills writhing with red-tentacled trees under the bright orange sky. Leaning back, he roared up another jet of flame. "Do it! In fact, tell him to make it an opera!"

  "IDEA Deity? Never heard of him." That was what Reacher said when he heard the name for the first time.

  One of his abductors, a girl named Sundra, had just freed him from the garment bag in which he'd been trapped. She'd taken off his gag but hadn't untied his hands, and now she was feeding him a dodo burger in the back of a Tucker van on the move.

  "He claims he created Youforia?" Reacher asked between bites.

  Sundra was the girl who'd told Reacher she had different plans in mind for him than the other kidnappers did. She was slim, in her early twenties, and had sandy brown hair that reached to her knees. Her fingernails were painted with alternating suns and crescent moons. "What he actually wrote was that Youforia only exists on the website and in his imagination."

  Sundra rolled down the paper wrapper and pushed the dodo burger toward Reacher's mouth. Just as he was about to take a bite, the van hit a pothole, jolting the burger out of reach.

  She giggled. "Whoops! Let's try again."

  This time, Reacher got a bite, a big one, squeezing ketchup onto his sky blue, black striped bowling shirt. The dollop landed between the two dominoes embroidered on the left breast of the shirt.

  He sat on the floor of the van, leaning against the back seat. He had no idea where they were, since he'd spent most of the trip zipped into a garment bag, but he guessed that they'd been on the road for about two hours.

  "This Idea guy said that if you hear music by Youforia, it's not Youforia," said Sundra. "According to him, there is no Youforia, so buying tickets to a Youforia concert is just throwing your money away."

  "Interesting," said Reacher.

  "You better believe it." Sundra held out the burger for him again. "Especially since Youforia's big official public debut concert is set for July thirty-second in Maysville, Pennsyltucky!"

  Reacher took another bite and nodded while he chewed.

  "There oughtta be some real fireworks," she continued. "Idea posted on the website that he's going to Maysville to confront the impostors posing as Youforia. He said he's going to end the lies."

  "If the band doesn't exist," said Reacher, "how can there be impostors? And why would this Idea guy care if there are?"

  "He said he doesn't like people exploiting his creation to rip off other people," said Sundra. "They're using Youforia's name in vain."

  "They are?" Reacher chuckled and shook his head.

  Sundra rolled down the dodo burger wrapper to expose the last bits of meat and bun. "The funny part is, since Youforia's a real band, everything this Idea guy says about making it all up is a complete lie, anyway!"

  Reacher snapped up the last bite from the wrapper. Sundra lifted a cup of soda from the cardboard takeout tray and moved the straw within reach of his lips.

  "Hey, Reacher, man," the van's driver, a guy named Barry, called from the front seat. "Is it true that you're thinking about cutting 'Hieroglyphic Scream-Laugh' and 'Land of the Freak' from the rock opera?"

  Reacher was shocked. What Barry was saying was absolutely true, but Reacher had told no one about it.

  "Where did you hear that?" he asked.

  "A little birdie told me," Barry replied. "A birdie on YoFace, that is."

  Reacher frowned. It was impossible that his plans for the rock opera had appeared on YoFace. Even if a band member or someone from the band's inner circle had been feeding facts to an outsider, no one could have leaked this information, for one simple reason.

  No one
but Reacher himself had known that he was considering the changes.

  Another guy was sitting up front, in the passenger seat. His name was Rondo, and he had a nasally voice. "Was Youforia planning to play the Singularity City rock opera at the debut show?" he asked. "Before their lead singer got kidnapped, that is?"

  Barry laughed. So did the other two kidnappers, Sam and Liz, who were sitting in the back seat, but not Sundra.

  "I'm as much in the dark as you are," said Reacher, and he was telling the truth. Until a few moments ago, he hadn't even known that Youforia was supposed to play a debut show in Maysville, Pennsyltucky, on July 32.

  "Whatever you say, Reacher," said Rondo. "I know you have to keep the band secret and all."

  "You really don't have to pretend with us, Mr. Mirage," said Liz. "We know all about Youforia, and we totally love your work."

  "Every one of us is a Youfer," said Sam.

  Reacher thought for a moment. "If you guys are such fans, why would you want to kidnap Youforia's lead singer right before the band's official debut concert? Wouldn't you want the concert to happen?"

  "Sure," said Rondo. "But we're guessing that once Tuned magazine is done getting an exclusive interview with you, they'll make sure you get to the show in time."

  "Meanwhile, we pocket fifteen thousand dollars," said Barry. "It's a win-win situation."

  Reacher sighed and slumped against the seat. In his opinion, the situation was more like win-lose, and he was the loser.

  All of his plans were falling apart. He'd sworn not to unveil his secret band to the world until he got the magic feeling that they were ready. But now he was on the verge of being handed over to Tuned magazine. Because of the online revelations, Youforia's secrets were widely known; when Reacher was exposed, the fans would have concrete proof of the band's existence.

  Unless, of course, Reacher wasn't handed over.

  Recalling what Sundra had said earlier, he leaned toward her and whispered in her ear. "What did you mean when you said you have other plans for me?"

  "Nobody's getting a reward," she whispered. "You're not going to Tuned magazine."

  "Where am I going, then?"