The Pants Project

by Cat Clarke

  “It’s OK. I think this is something I need to do on my own, you know?” As soon as I said the words, I realized they were true. This was my fight. Well, mine and Jacob’s now.

  Mamma smiled. “Your mom’s right. I’m proud of you too. You’ve really grown up over the past few months, haven’t you?”

  That made me squirm with embarrassment. It’s not exactly the kind of thing you want to hear in front of someone from school. Anyway, I was secretly happy because I thought that maybe Mamma was right. I did feel like a different person from the one who’d punched Danny Barber in the face. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t regret doing it (not even a little bit), but I think if the same situation came up now I’d handle it differently. Not that the same situation would ever come up again because Maisie had other friends to stick up for her now. Jade would never punch someone, though, would she? She’d just make their lives miserable until they felt like punching themselves in the face.

  “Awww, Liv’s blushing!” You can always count on Enzo to say something really annoying or embarrassing.

  Mom took some of the heat off me by asking Jacob why he was helping with the petition. I took the empty ice cream bowls over to the sink, but I listened hard. I was curious too.

  “It’s important to Liv,” he said. “And I guess I wouldn’t like it if I had to wear a skirt to school, so why should Liv be any different?”

  His answer could not have been more perfect. It made me wonder if maybe I could tell him the truth about me. Maybe he would understand, or at least try. The thought of actually saying the words aloud was terrifying, but part of me wanted someone to know. I wanted at least one person to see me for who I actually was, instead of who they thought I was. I wanted someone to see the real me.

  That night I went to bed feeling that things were definitely (finally) looking up. With Jacob’s help, there was a chance that the petition would actually be a success. People liked Jacob. If they knew he was involved with the Pants Project, they were much more likely to support it. And surely there must be girls at school who hated wearing skirts just as much as I did.

  Chapter 21

  After two days of going around with the petition during recess and at lunch, I had just thirty-four signatures. Nine of those were from a table of eighth-grade girls, who were actually nice to me. One of them even said, “Good luck, kid,” which was kind of patronizing, but it was much better than the straight-up mean things that some people had said.

  I could just about deal with the eye rolling and smirking. It was harder to cope with people laughing in my face and asking why I wanted to be a boy. Several people said that I looked like a boy, which must explain why I wanted to wear pants so badly. If only they knew how right they were.

  Marion came up to me after homeroom on Wednesday and asked to sign the petition. While she was signing her name excruciatingly slowly, she whispered, “I hate wearing skirts too.”

  I nodded distractedly, suddenly aware that Jade, Chelsea, and Maisie were lurking nearby, watching. “Losers: assemble!” Jade crowed, and the other two laughed on cue.

  Marion rolled her eyes and muttered, “Ignore her.” The very definition of easier said than done. “Is there anything…? I mean, I’d like to help with the petition, if I can. I was wondering if maybe—?”

  “Yeah, thanks, but I’m all good. Um, I have to go.” I grabbed the petition back and hurried past Jade and the others, leaving Marion to face their taunts alone.

  It was nice of her to offer to help, I guess, but Marion was almost as unpopular as I was. If anything, she’d make people not want to sign my petition.

  Jacob had already offered to come around with me, but I’d stupidly said no. I guess I thought that I should be the one to make this thing happen. By Friday, I was ready to admit defeat. I needed help, after all, and Jacob was definitely a better option than Marion.

  The two of us set off on a signature hunt, with me steering Jacob away from Marion’s table. I should have been a lot nicer to her when she offered to help, but Jade had really got to me. Again. I saw Marion watching us from the other side of the cafeteria. I felt bad, but I had to focus on the job of getting signatures.

  After just ten minutes, we had another twenty-two signatures. I was a little annoyed. I didn’t mean to be, but it didn’t seem fair that people listened to Jacob, but not to me. The stupid uniform rule didn’t even affect him! But that’s the power of popularity, or maybe that’s the power of being seen as a boy. People listen. Even though he was only in the sixth grade, the older kids seemed to respect him in a way that they clearly didn’t respect me. They thought I was weird, and they didn’t take me seriously. I had Jade Evans to thank for that.

  Jacob asked what was wrong. He thought I should be happy about the extra signatures. I was, but I couldn’t explain to him why I was upset. I hadn’t told him about the things people had said to me. I hadn’t told him about a couple of days ago when a seventh-grader had taken the petition and got his pen ready to sign. Then he stopped and said, “Before I sign, can I ask you a question?” I should have known from the sly smile that slithered across his face that it was going to be bad. “Are you a boy or a girl?” He paused and looked around at his friends, making sure they were all paying attention. “Or something in between?”

  I just walked away with my jaw clenched and laughter echoing in my ears.

  But Jacob didn’t know anything about that. I apologized and thanked him for helping me. “Is it…are you worried about your grandfather? I’m sorry he’s so sick.”

  I didn’t know what to say for a second. Enzo must have said something on Saturday—keeping secrets was not his specialty. This wasn’t a secret, but still, family stuff is usually private.

  “No, it’s not that, but thanks. And thanks for helping me today. It was…it was really nice of you.”

  Jacob shrugged off the compliment. “Anytime.”

  So by Friday afternoon there were fifty-six signatures—out of the 250 or so we needed for Mr. Lynch to take us seriously. That wasn’t bad. Only 194 signatures to go. My eyes roamed down the list of names as Jacob told me about some new trick he was learning on his skateboard.

  SpongeBob SquarePants

  Chip Munk

  Kanye West

  Rocky Road

  Right. Make that 198 signatures to go.

  Chapter 22

  Mrs. McCready had asked the students helping with Back-to-School Night to stay after school for a few minutes. Everyone else stampeded out of the classroom, leaving me with Jacob and those three.

  Back-to-School Night was next Thursday, and Mrs. McCready made it very clear that she wanted things to run as smoothly as possible. She picked Jacob and me to be the students who would greet parents at the main entrance to hand out maps so they could find their way around the school. Chelsea and Maisie were in charge of refreshments. So it wasn’t going to be so bad. At least I didn’t have to be with…

  “Actually, on second thought, we should have Jade and Olivia at the main entrance, and Jacob can roam the corridors looking for lost souls.”

  “But Mrs. McCready…” I started, but stopped when Jacob gave me a sharp look and a tiny but unmistakable shake of the head.

  “Yes, Olivia?”

  “Um, would it be OK if…I mean, if you don’t mind…I’d really prefer it if you called me Liv.” Jade snorted in derision. She knew that I’d been about to complain about being paired with her.

  “Of course, Olivia! Or Liv, rather. You should have asked sooner!”

  I felt like an idiot, but at least I was an idiot with a name I didn’t despise quite so much.

  “So is everyone happy about that? Good. Thank you all so much for volunteering. I have a feeling you’re going to make Bankridge very proud, and I’m so looking forward to meeting your parents.”

  I could feel Jade looking at me when Mrs. McCready said that. After a
second or two, Jade said, “I’m so looking forward to welcoming all of the moms and dads to Bankridge,” Jade said in that revolting voice she uses whenever she talks to teachers.

  Mrs. McCready obviously had no idea what Jade was really getting at. “That’s very nice to hear, Jade. All right, we will reconvene on Tuesday just to make sure everyone knows exactly what they should be doing. Have a lovely weekend. And Chelsea? Please remember to actually do your math homework this time!”

  Mrs. McCready packed up her bag and left the room.

  “Are you coming, Liv?” asked Jacob.

  We were going to Monty’s. The moms had said we could have an early dinner of Epic Sandwiches. That’s what we call it when we pile the toppings so high that the filling is at least three times as thick as the bread.

  “Are you two going on a date?” Jade said in a malicious voice. “Just kidding. Of course you’re not. I suppose I can see why you like spending so much time with it, Jake. Must be just like hanging out with one of the guys.” She was pleased with herself, especially when Maisie and Chelsea chimed in with their inane giggles. Maisie’s laughter seemed to be genuine, though. She wasn’t laughing just because she was scared of Jade, and that made it hurt even more.

  I was ready to ignore Jade, but Jacob turned on her. “You shut your mouth, Jade Evans or I’ll…” I’d never seen his face like that before, all dark and stormy.

  “You’ll what? You wouldn’t hit a girl, would you Jake?” She smiled and blinked, acting all innocent.

  “I’m warning you.”

  “Jacob, it’s fine. Just leave it. She’s not worth it.” It had been hard for me to say those words. Really hard. Especially since I was picturing smashing Jade’s face into the whiteboard.

  “Yeah, Jacob. Why don’t you and your little mutant run along now and do whatever it is mutants do? How’s the petition going, by the way? And why haven’t you asked us to sign it? I happen to think that freaks should be able to wear whatever they want. It makes it easier for the rest of us to avoid them.” She must have been saving up these insults for a while now because there was no way she was coming up with this stuff on the spot. (And clearly she’d never even read an X-Men comic or seen any of the movies—mutants are awesome.)

  I grabbed Jacob’s arm and pulled him toward the door. If I didn’t get out of there right that second, I was worried I might do something I would regret—something Jade would regret even more.

  We were halfway out the door when Jade called out, “Bye, Olivia! Make sure you tell your mom that I’m really looking forward to meeting her. Your other mom too. My dad’s been telling me all about their kind.”

  I turned around then. I had to. But I didn’t look at Jade’s smug face. I ignored her completely. I looked at Maisie. She wouldn’t look me in the eyes. She was ashamed. Good. After everything my parents had done for her, the fact that she could just stand there and let Jade say those things was too much for me to handle.

  I ran from the room.

  Chapter 23

  Jacob didn’t manage to catch up with me until I’d reached the school gate. I stomped down the street while he struggled to keep up.

  “Liv, I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t. Stop talking right now.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t want your pity, Jacob Arbuckle, and I don’t want to talk about it. So either you pretend that nothing happened, or you can just go straight home.”

  He stopped walking, so I had to stop too. I felt guilty. “I’m sorry, I just…it’s the weekend, and the last thing I want to talk about or even think about is Jade Evans. So please, can we just forget about it?”

  Jacob shook his head. “How can you do that? After those things she said?”

  I shrugged, staring at the cracked paving stones at my feet. “You get used to it.”

  “How?”

  “You just do. After a while you stop listening and stop caring.”

  I looked and saw that he wasn’t buying it. Fair enough. I couldn’t blame him for not believing me because it wasn’t exactly true. The truth is that you do care. Of course you do. And it hurts to hear people say those things about you. But the hurt changes, over time. At first, it’s sharp and hot, like a fiery dagger stabbing you in the heart, but when you’ve heard the same insults over and over and over, the pain changes. It becomes a dull, throbbing ache—like a toothache. A sort of background pain that you can ignore for a few minutes at a time, except when you’re lying in bed at night, trying to sleep. That’s when it really gets to you.

  “I don’t know why people have to be so mean,” Jacob said, shaking his head. He seemed younger somehow, more innocent. He reminded me of Enzo. One of the things I like about Jacob is that he can’t even imagine why people are bullies. That must be what it’s like to be a nice person. I’m not a nice person, though. Well, I suppose I’m OK most of the time, but definitely not all of the time. I had no trouble coming up with reasons why Jade was targeting me: she had to put other people down in order to feel good about herself. I was different and she was bored.

  I changed the subject and told Jacob that I might like to try skateboarding someday. I neglected to mention that I’d already tried it once. I borrowed my cousin’s skateboard a couple of years ago, but it did not go well. Knees were scraped and bruises blossomed. Still, the topic distracted Jacob, and by the time we reached the deli, he was acting normally again. He’d even managed to convince me to actually give skateboarding another go.

  Dante was blasting music from the little stereo behind the counter. He’s only allowed to do that when there are no customers. A couple of his friends were sitting at the table next to the door, but they don’t really count as real customers because they never buy anything. They just come to the deli to hang out when they’re bored or when it’s raining.

  Dante was behind the counter, slicing big chunks of cheese, wrapping them up in paper, and then weighing them and putting a price label on the package. He looked up and grinned when he saw me. “The Livmeister General!” He always calls me that. I have no idea why. “And this must be Jacob! How’s it going, man?”

  Jacob smiled and said it was going well. I asked Dante where Mom was, and he said she was at the swimming pool with Enzo and Mamma. I’d forgotten they were going swimming. I felt a pang of sadness. I used to love going to the pool, especially since they put in waterslides. The moms were surprised when I told them I didn’t want to go anymore. I said swimming was boring. I said I had better things to do. I’m not sure if they believed me, but they didn’t force me to go with them. I already knew how to swim (and was pretty good at it), so they didn’t have to worry about me if our car plunged into a fast-flowing river or if I fell off the back of a ferry.

  I missed swimming. A lot. I missed diving into the water and gliding along the bottom of the pool, seeing how long I could go without taking a breath. I could swim a whole length without coming up for air, even though it made me feel dizzy and strange.

  The truth is, I wouldn’t have given up swimming if I’d been able to swim in a pool without other people in it and change my clothes in a room on my own.

  The real reason I stopped swimming was simple.

  My body was changing. And it felt very, very wrong.

  =

  Jacob and I settled down to eat our Epic Sandwiches and Dante sat down with his friends. I love the deli most when there are no actual customers. The moms prefer it when it’s heaving and the line is out the door. That usually only happens on Saturday mornings when people come in to get their bread and pastries. I suppose it’s good that we have busy days, otherwise we wouldn’t be able to afford food (and video games). But it’s so much better when it’s just us in there. Dante’s friends count as “us” because I’ve known them for years. They still refuse to call me by my name, though. To them, I am, and always will be, “Spark Plug.” It’s not the best ni
ckname in the world, but I seem to be stuck with it.

  Jacob managed to eat half of his sandwich before he started to feel sick. “Amateur,” I said, going in for another ginormous bite. It’s a point of pride that I always—always—finish my Epic Sandwich.

  I couldn’t stop thinking about what Jade had said about meeting the moms. What had her dad said to her? Was he as mean as she was? Maybe that was where Jade got her mean streak. And if that were true, then was it really her fault?

  “Do you know what transgender means?” The words were out of my mouth before I even realized it. I quickly looked around to see if Dante and the guys had heard, but the music was way too loud. I turned back to Jacob and tried to smile, as if it was a perfectly normal question to ask.

  “Is it when a man dresses up as a woman? Like that guy on TV?”

  I didn’t say anything. I looked down at the crumbs on my plate. This had been a terrible idea. Why hadn’t I kept my mouth shut?

  “Why? Liv, are you OK? What’s this about?”

  I kept staring at my plate. “That’s not what it means. It’s sort of when a person feels like the way they are on the inside doesn’t quite match up with the way they look on the outside. At least, that’s how it is for some people, but it’s different for everyone…Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that you might look at someone and think you see a boy, but inside, they know that they’re actually a girl. Or…”

  Jacob leaned closer. “Or what?” he asked, softly.

  This was it. I was really going to do it. The moment had snuck up on me when I wasn’t paying attention, but I was ready. Kind of. “Or you might look at someone and see a girl, but that’s not who they really are.”

  Jacob didn’t say anything. The silence went on for far too long. Eventually, I had to look up. He was watching me. It was clear from the look on his face that he knew what I was saying. He was just waiting for me to say the words. So I said them. “I think…I know…I’m transgender.”