The Pants Project

by Cat Clarke

  Jade’s mouth opened and closed like a goldfish.

  Jacob whooped and hollered like he was at a basketball game. “Now that is what I call a total smackdown.” He held up his hand for a high five.

  It was the most satisfying high five of my life.

  Chapter 35

  I grinned at Jacob, swept past Jade, and strode out the door.

  I probably would have danced my way down the front steps if I wasn’t dreading having to explain myself to my very confused, very annoyed mom.

  The car was just pulling into the parking lot when I got outside. Mom drives a very old, bright green sedan—probably the least cool car you could ever imagine. I love it. I don’t even know why. There’s something sort of friendly looking about it.

  There was nothing friendly looking about Mom, but at least she wasn’t in her pajamas.

  “Care to tell me exactly what’s going on?” Mom asked before she’d even shut the car door.

  Then she saw the look on my face and pulled me into a hug. That was what broke me. If she hadn’t been nice to me, there’s no way I’d have cried. I certainly wasn’t looking for sympathy. I think it was the relief of seeing her, more than anything, because I realized then that I did want my parents here, and I was sad that Mamma couldn’t be here. They had as much right to be here as anyone else. Plus, there was the teeny-tiny chance that one or two of the teachers might actually say something nice about me.

  After a minute or so, Mom disentangled herself from the hug. “All right, enough with the waterworks. What’s the story?”

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lie to you, but I didn’t know what else to do. I knew it was wrong, but there’s this girl, and it’s been really awful and I know I should have told you sooner and…and…and…”

  You get the picture, right? I don’t need to fill you in on everything I said. I didn’t leave anything out, either. I told her the things Jade had been saying to me, and about me. About the graffiti on my desk and the abuse hurled at me in the corridors and in the locker room. I admitted that I’d lied to her and Mamma about how bad things were.

  By the time I was finished, Mom was looking really, really mad. “Who is this girl anyway? This Jade character. And why didn’t you tell us it was so serious? Or a teacher! Why didn’t you tell a teacher?”

  I shrugged, and Mom took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I’m sorry this has been happening to you, and I’m sorry we didn’t realize sooner.”

  I gave her the lowdown about Jade, and the fact that she was waiting inside. Mom got a glint in her eye right then. “This is going to be fun,” she said.

  I thought that Mom’s idea of fun must be very different from mine, but the weird thing was, she was right. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to—or want to—forget the look on Jade’s face when Mom walked right up to her, plucked a map from the pile, and said, “Jade! It’s such a pleasure to meet you. Liv’s told me all about you.”

  Jade looked as if she wanted to disappear. She looked genuinely scared because whatever she’d been expecting, it definitely wasn’t that. Mom let go of my arm, hooked her arm through Jade’s, and said, “Would you mind if we have a little chat over here? I’ve been dying to meet you!”

  Jade couldn’t exactly say no, and Mom didn’t really give her a chance anyway. Mom led Jade off to one side while I scurried over to Jacob. He raised his eyebrows at me, a silent inquiry asking if everything was OK. I wiggled mine back and shrugged, which meant, “I have no idea.”

  Jacob’s gaze drifted over my shoulder. “My folks are here.”

  I hadn’t really noticed how tall Jacob’s dad was at the protest, but he’s huge! He looked even taller walking next to Jacob’s mom, who is a very, very short person. The two of them looked awesomely odd together.

  Jacob’s mom’s eyes widened when she saw the walking stick. She opened her mouth to say something, but her husband nudged her gently on the arm. She kept her mouth shut and gave Jacob’s arm a quick squeeze. We chatted about the pants protest, and I thanked Mr. Arbuckle for helping us out. I’d forgotten to do that yesterday, but he didn’t seem to mind.

  I kept glancing nervously over at Mom and Jade, but Mom had her back to me, so I couldn’t see what was going on.

  A couple of minutes later, Jade was back at her station next to the main entrance and Mom was walking toward us with a great big smile on her face.

  “What did you say to her?” asked Jacob.

  Mom just kept smiling and said, “Now that would be telling.”

  =

  I never did find out what she said to Jade that night. At first, it drove me crazy, not knowing. But it soon became clear that Mom was never, ever going to tell, so there was no point worrying about it. I bet she told Mamma, but Mamma would never tell me either. Those two can be infuriating sometimes. In a good way, I mean.

  Jacob introduced Mom to his folks, and it turned out that they knew a bunch of the same people. I would have been happy to stay there and listen to them chat, but out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Mrs. McCready glaring at me from down the hall.

  When I went back to my post next to Jade, she said something that shocked me more than any of the awful things she’d said to me.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “For what?”

  She looked down at her feet and then back up at me. “All of it.”

  Before I could say anything, the door opened and a steady stream of parents started to arrive. It was just as well because I didn’t know what to say to Jade. A better person than me might have said, “It’s OK,” or, “I forgive you,” but it wasn’t OK and I didn’t forgive her. She had made my life miserable and gone out of her way to be as horrible as possible, as often as possible. Saying sorry didn’t magically fix that. It didn’t magically fix me.

  But it was a start.

  =

  The rest of Back-to-School Night was fine. Jade and I didn’t say another word to each other. Mom managed to be polite to Maisie when she served the coffee, acting as if it was perfectly normal that they hadn’t seen each other for weeks, even though Maisie used to practically live at our place. I could tell Maisie felt awkward, though, because her hands shook as she handed over the cup. Some coffee sloshed onto the floor and a teacher made Chelsea clean it up. The look that Chelsea gave Maisie was pure poison.

  Mrs. McCready said some nice things about me. Apparently, it’s “an absolute pleasure to teach me,” which was a bit of a shock. Mom said she thought Mrs. McCready was definitely secretly impressed with the way I’d handled the Pants Project.

  Mr. Eccles said that I’m one of his favorite students, even though he’s not supposed to have favorites. He mentioned the incident at the start of the semester when “one or two students teased Liv a little because of her, um, your family situation,” but he said that everything seemed to have been fine since then. Mom was super annoyed that he hadn’t bothered asking me if things actually were fine. She didn’t say anything to him, though. I’d asked her not to say anything to any of the teachers. There was no need. I hoped.

  Chapter 36

  The sliding doors opened and the first person who walked through was a man in a blue suit, carrying a briefcase. His eyes scanned the crowd and settled on another man in a suit, holding up a sign saying “Mr. Nakamura.” Next through the doors was a family: mom, dad, and a baby. The baby spat out its pacifier, which landed on the floor and rolled toward me. I picked it up and handed it to the dad.

  Mamma was the fourth person through the doors. She kept her eyes on the floor in front of her, not even bothering to look up. I whistled. (I have a very loud whistle.) Her head snapped up and looked straight at us. Then she ran.

  The four of us piled into a hug: Mamma, Mom, Enzo, and me.

  “What are you guys doing here?” Mamma laughed through her tears.

  “You didn’t seriou
sly think we’d let you take a cab, did you?” said Mom, rolling her eyes.

  “But you said it was too late to come pick me up!”

  “That was my idea,” said Enzo, looking supremely pleased with himself. “I thought it would be cool to surprise you.”

  Mamma checked her watch. “And I suppose it had nothing to do with the fact that you get to stay up three hours past your bedtime?”

  “Busted!” I laughed.

  “Straight to bed the second we get home, OK?” said Mamma. Then she saw Enzo’s epic pout and said, “Straight to bed after a cup of hot chocolate. So, what have I missed?”

  “Nothing much,” I said, managing to keep a straight face for approximately 2.5 seconds.

  “Liv has news, apparently,” said Mom. “But she wouldn’t tell me any more until you got home.”

  “Well then, I think news calls for hot chocolate, so let’s get out of here!”

  I trailed behind them on the way to the exit. I had that jumpy, nervous feeling in my stomach again, but this time it was different. I was nervous, but I was excited too.

  It was time. Time to tell the truth. Time to trust.

  =

  I’d decided that afternoon, and as soon as I had made the decision, I felt better about everything. The decision crept up on me as I watched Jacob tell Sav and Miguel about his hypermobility. He wasn’t using his walking stick, so it wasn’t as if he had to tell them. It happened at the end of lunchtime when Miguel asked if Jacob wanted to play basketball after school. Jacob said he’d love to, but he was in quite a lot of pain. When the boys asked what was up, he just came out with it. “I have this condition that affects my joints. My wrists are pretty bad today.”

  And that was it. The boys just accepted it. Miguel said, “Bummer,” and Sav made a joke I didn’t understand. Jacob did his best to act cool, but his relief was obvious.

  I mentioned it on the way to class. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

  Jacob looked thoughtful. “You know, it really wasn’t. It feels…good. It was starting to stress me out, you know? Making up excuses all the time, remembering which lies I’d told to which person.”

  “Is it really bad today? The pain, I mean?”

  Jacob shrugged. “My ankles are way better than yesterday. It gets to a point where you’re relieved when it’s just one part of your body that hurts.”

  “I can’t imagine what it must be like.”

  “I’m glad you don’t have to. But seriously, I feel so much better now that I don’t have to hide it.”

  I thought about that for a moment or two, and then he said, quietly, “You were right last night. When you said there’s nothing to be ashamed of. No one should ever be ashamed of who they are.”

  I thought about that for more than a moment or two. Then I thought about it through English, Spanish, and math class. Then I made up my mind. I told Jacob and he asked me if I was sure.

  “I’ve never been so sure about anything in my life.”

  =

  I tried to remember how sure I was when we got back from the airport just before midnight. Enzo fell asleep in the car, so Mom carried him up to bed. That left the three of us sitting at the kitchen table, each with a huge mug of hot chocolate.

  I asked what it had been like for Mamma to see her family after so much time.

  “I thought it was going to be awful. They…said some very hurtful things a very long time ago. Some things that are very hard to forgive.”

  “Like what?” I asked, out of pure nosiness.

  “It doesn’t matter now,” said Mamma. “What matters is that I talked to my mamma, after the funeral. I’d wanted to leave right away, but there were no flights. Turns out that was a blessing in disguise.” She took a shaky breath and smiled at Mom, who took hold of her hand. “She really wants to meet you guys. All of you.”

  Mamma explained that her father had always been in charge of the family. Everyone had to do things his way. “I hadn’t actually realized how hard it was for my mother. Not that she’s glad he’s gone or anything. She loved him very much, but now, well, things are different now. She said she’d like to come see us next summer, if we would have her.”

  “That’s amazing!” I said because Mamma looked really happy about that. And that meant I was happy about it too (and a little terrified of this scary Italian grandmother I’d never met).

  “Enough about me, what’s the big news?” asked Mamma.

  Oh boy. Here goes nothing.

  My voice was shaky as I said it wasn’t really news, just something I thought they should know. About me. Something very important.

  The moms exchanged a look and Mom said “It’s OK, sweetheart, we—”

  “Shhh, let Liv finish,” Mamma said, reaching out for Mom’s hand and mine.

  We stayed like that, hands clasped together, as I told them the truth.

  Mamma burst into tears, just like I’d been worried she would. I sat, there horrified. I’d made a terrible, terrible mistake.

  But when Mamma saw the look on my face, she laughed. “No, topolino! I’m crying because I’m happy!”

  “Happy? Why?”

  Mamma squeezed my hand. “How can we not be happy? All we want is for you to be happy, my darling. And a big part of that is accepting who you are.”

  “You knew, didn’t you?” I didn’t say that I’d overheard them talking about me that one time. There was no point.

  The moms exchanged another look, which confirmed my suspicion.

  “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  Mom put her hand on my shoulder. “We didn’t know. We thought it was a possibility, that’s all. But it needed to come from you first. You can understand that, can’t you?”

  A horrible thought washed over me. “What about Gram? And Enzo? Do they know?”

  “No, they don’t. We can tell them, though, if you want us to. It’s totally up to you.”

  “I don’t know what… I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do now.”

  Mamma stroked the back of my hand. “You don’t have to do anything. We can talk about this whenever you’re ready. There’s no rush.”

  We talked a bit more, and it felt so easy and right and made me annoyed with myself for not doing it sooner. I should have known the moms would understand.

  Mamma told me about a youth group at the LGBT center where she volunteers. She said there were a bunch of kids just like me, and I could go with her sometime. “No pressure,” she said. I said I’d think about it.

  After a while, Mom said, “So how are you feeling now, Liv?”

  “I feel…good.”

  That made them both smile, but Mamma still looked a little worried. “You’re not worried or confused about anything?”

  “Nope,” I grinned. “I just feel like me.”

  Chapter 37

  Three months later…

  Happy birthday to me! Twelve years old as of 5:47 a.m.

  We had Dante’s red velvet cake for breakfast. It’s his specialty.

  Gram came over last night for a pre-birthday meal. It’s always good to stretch out the celebrations for as long as possible.

  It’s also always better to open Gram’s present early. That way you’re not disappointed on the day itself.

  We gathered at the kitchen table and Gram put down a big box. The wrapping paper was bright pink and the whole thing was wrapped up in a white satin bow. It looked alarmingly like the sort of boxes I used to get from her when I was little—the ones with creepy dolls inside.

  “Go on then! Open it!” Gram’s eyes were all twinkly with expectation.

  I took a breath and readied myself to smile no matter what was inside.

  I tore one tiny corner of the paper, reluctant to go any further. “Get on with it!” Enzo shouted. Gari woofed his agreement.

  S
o I did.

  And I smiled. A real smile. The realest smile you can get.

  It wasn’t a doll. It wasn’t a pink dress. It wasn’t a doll wearing a pink dress.

  It was a skateboard. An absolutely amazing skateboard. Red and black with silver lightning bolts.

  “Do you like it?” Gram asked. She seemed a bit shy all of a sudden. “I’m told it’s quite a good one, but I can take it back to the shop and exchange it if you don’t like it.”

  “No, I don’t like it.”

  Gram’s face fell and her shoulders drooped. The moms looked ready to strangle me.

  “I love it! Thank you so much!” I threw my arms around her and gave her the biggest hug. “This is the best birthday ever!”

  “But it’s not even your birthday yet!” Gram laughed.

  “I don’t care! Nothing could top this!”

  It turned out that Jacob had been called in as Expert Skateboard Consultant. So that’s why he’d been acting weirdly excited about my birthday. I texted him after dinner, and he said he’d come over at the weekend to teach me the basics.

  The moms told Gram about me being trans after double-checking that I was cool about it. She was still getting used to the idea, but she was trying her best. They’d told Enzo too. Apparently, he just shrugged and said, “OK,” before going back to building his Lego castle. He’d always treated me like a big brother anyway, so nothing was going to change there.

  Mamma’s taking me to the youth group at the LGBT center next week. I thought it would be a bunch of kids sitting in a circle, talking about their feelings, but they’re having a movie night apparently. I can definitely handle a movie night. And maybe talking about my feelings wouldn’t be so bad after I get to know people a little. After all, it worked out OK with Jacob, didn’t it?