by Glover, Dan
“Do you love her?”
“Oh yes!”
“You were married once, is that right, Billy?”
“Yes, a nurse told me that my wife divorced me during my last time in the asylum… the institution, I mean.”
“And did your wife love you?”
“I guess she did.”
“From what I see in your records, you attacked her just before you attempted suicide. Do you remember that?”
“No… well, maybe I remember a little about it. I think that I imagined her seeing another man…”
Don’t tell her the truth, said the wolf. Lie to her. She’ll put you back in that place if she knows what you really did.
“Why did you imagine that, Billy? Did you see her with someone?”
“The voices in my head told me.”
Billy admitted it because he sensed his words had painted him into a corner already.
“I don’t hear them any more… not since I’ve been out.”
“And how does Lisa feel about you? Other than the clinging... I assume you told her about your history.”
“I told her about being in the asylum… I mean the institution… and I told her about cutting my wrists. She seemed fascinated when I told her I tried to commit suicide… I got the impression she might have thought about it too.”
Billy studied the floor. The carpet needed cleaning and whoever cleaned the office missed the corners and didn’t dust the cobwebs off the baseboards.
“She says that she likes me. She says that she likes me a lot.”
“I see.”
Cindy sat scribbling in her notebook. Give up, give up, give up.
“What do you mean by that?”
Billy felt defensive, back in the corner again, and he sensed there was no way out this time. He sat forward on the edge of his chair, ready to get up and leave.
“Just relax, Billy.”
Cindy's voiced soothed him. He watched her as she scribbled something more in her notebook. She puffed out her chest. She had very large breasts, but her stomach was even larger. Billy visualized her without her clothes, a trick he remembered sometimes using in school to calm down when teachers yelled at him for not having done his homework or for not wearing clean clothes to school or for not bathing. Cindy spoke, breaking his reverie.
“I just meant that it seems to me, Billy, as if she doesn't reciprocate the love you are giving her. Don't you feel that way too, sometimes?”
“Yeah... I guess I do in a way.”
He sat back in the chair, relaxing, giving up the fight he knew he couldn’t win. Give up, give up, give up…
“From what you've told me today, Billy, it seems to me that both of you need more time... more time to find your centers. Do you know what I mean by that?”
“I think so...”
“Stable people have stable habits.”
Cindy seemed as if she was sure of such things.
“They have certain routines… customs they follow… every day. And the only way to begin to build those customs is to take the time required to find the center of their lives… the traditions they prefer, the things that they like doing, the routines they need to establish in order to be productive happy people. Do you understand what I am saying, Billy?”
“Yes. I... we... should give up…I mean… we should wait.”
“Don't sound so disappointed, Billy. Your time will come. If you want my advice, just back off a little. That doesn't mean Lisa has to move out and it doesn't mean you have to stop loving her. Just stop crowding her.”
Hypnotized by Cindy’s voice he teetered on the verge of realizing something important… something life-changing. Her words rang a sudden shade of right. Stable people have stable habits… it made sense to him. This he could do, especially if it meant keeping Lisa in his life.
But more, Billy understood the changes in attitude he would undergo weren’t about Lisa at all… rather those changes were about him growing as a human being… becoming a better person… a man who others would enjoy being around. He loved Lisa.
But he sensed if she left there would be other women to take her place. Allison… at that moment he sensed love blossoming for Allison Johns too. But all the same… he didn’t want Lisa to leave. He wouldn’t give up so easily like he did with Allison.
“How is your medication working for you, Billy? Are you feeling any ups or downs?”
“I feel good.”
He disliked taking the medication, especially at night. It made him groggy… too groggy to talk with Lisa… as if his eyes were compelled to close but as always sleep eluded him. He waited until Lisa fell asleep to take the pills.
“Are you taking it as prescribed?”
“Yes, every day… morning and night, just like the bottles say.”
“Good. We're finished for today, Billy.”
She glanced up at the clock on the wall.
“Remember to make an appointment for next month with the receptionist on your way out.”
“Okay, I will. Thank you, Cindy.”
“You're welcome. And Billy...”
“Yes?”
“Be good.”
Chapter 22—Bereft
"You're moving out of our house?"
Allison couldn’t believe what she heard. She knew Lisa had been spending most nights with Billy in that dreadful apartment over Twenty Nine Kats but she never dreamed her friend would consider moving in with him.
"Why don't you have Billy move in here? It's so much bigger and nicer than that tiny little apartment of his."
As soon as she spoke Allison felt as if she offered Lisa a confession. She had never talked to her friend about the nights she spent with Billy or the intimate moment they shared. Lisa didn’t seem to pick up on Allison's suggestive words, however. Perhaps they had drunk too much, or at least Allison hoped so.
"I'm sorry, sweetie. I have to get away for a while. I love our house but there are too many memories here. I'll be back home, and soon. I promise."
"I should leave."
Allison handed Lisa another Papa Double the way she used to fix them back in southern California, more strong than sweet.
"I don’t want to live here all alone. I see things... I hear things. I mean, I know they're not there but I can't help it. I'm scared to sleep at night. I have such terrible dreams. Maybe it's time for me to go back home to Malibu."
She was still a little girl when it came to sleeping in the dark. It scared her. Even with all the lights on, Allison could feel something malevolent outside in the night pressing its putrid decayed face up against the glass, peering in on her, biding its time.
It was out there lurking in the weeds full of hate and malice. Being alone only exasperated the sense that something was coming for her and no matter what she did she would fall under its spell and be carried away.
"You cannot run from death."
Yelena often got drunk and told her stories of her Grandmother Zoya and the way she had of seeing into the future... how no matter someone tried to change their course in life they would in the end be overwhelmed by their destiny.
Was Alex hers? The question haunted both her waking life and her sleeping dreams. She knew he was out there somewhere. Despite what the authorities had concluded—that he had suffered such grievous injuries in the car crash that he had died—Allison knew he was still alive.
She'd picked up his trail. At first it was only a hunch... an article at the back of some nameless newspaper she had come across while aimlessly surfing the Internet. A woman had been brutally murdered in a small Nevada town and her boyfriend was arrested for the crime. Allison hadn’t paid much attention to it until she scrolled down and saw the woman's photograph.
At first she thought someone was playing a cruel joke on her by placing Allison's picture in the article. After doing a quick search, however, she convinced herself it was no joke... no mistake. The woman was a dead ringer for her.
The boyfriend had been charged in the murde
r despite no evidence actually linking him to the crime. Apparently he had the unfortunate luck to have been the last person to see the woman alive. He claimed she had gone out for her daily jog and never returned.
A farmer investigating an abandoned house on his property—a neighbor told him he had seen someone nosing around the place—had discovered the body. Though none of the articles went into the details of the crime it seemed that someone had taken their time in killing the woman, torturing her, strangling her, reviving her, and doing it all over again.
It was Alex. She knew without a doubt that her brother was responsible yet with nothing to go on but her intuition Allison was hesitant to call the police. She had read enough to understand anyone offering information on crimes like that were automatically put on the suspect list.
Two weeks later a report of another murder caught her eye. Though the woman was older this time, she still had an uncanny resemblance to Allison in both face and figure. The woman had been last seen drinking with a tall fellow in some dive bar on the outskirts of another little town in western Nevada.
No one could remember the woman leaving but the bartender thought he caught sight of her with the same man she'd been drinking with most of the evening. A sketch artist had drawn a facsimile of the man's face: it was Alex.
She could imagine her brother searching for her, perhaps mistaking other women for his sister. When he discovered his mistake he might well have flown into a rage or in his case a slow burn. Allison imagined that if her brother ever discovered where she was living, she could expect the same treatment from him.
"Oh God no, please don't leave Allison. This is your home too."
Lisa sounded panicked at the mere mention of her leaving which made Allison feel better though still not entirely comfortable with the thought of staying in that massive mansion all by herself.
"If you love me, Allison, you'll wait for me."
"You know how I feel about you, Lisa. But I wonder..."
"You wonder if I love you too, right sweetie?"
Lisa was slurring her words which made her seem all the more attractive. Though she tried to push the thought of Billy Austin from her mind Allison couldn’t help feeling guilty for betraying her friend, for not admitting her affair with the man Lisa planned on moving in with. She wondered too if confessing now might be a ploy to upset Lisa into not going through with her plan. She loved her friend too much for that. If Billy could keep a secret, so could she.
"No, not really; I know you love me, Lisa. It's just, well, a girl likes to hear the words, you know?"
She felt an unexpected tear trickle down her cheek as she unsuccessfully stifled a sob. A surge of want washed over her as she thought of Billy in Lisa's arms and how left out she felt... like the proverbial third wheel. She chided herself for not keeping in touch with Billy, for not coming on stronger to Lisa, and for all the mistakes she had made in her life. Once the weeping began she couldn’t seem to shut off the faucet.
"Oh sweetie, don't cry!"
Lisa touched Allison's cheek wiping away the silent tears with her precious touch. Allison hated Lisa at that moment. She wanted to hurt her, to crush her with the knowledge that she had been seeing Billy surreptitiously all along.
"I do love you, Allison! I should have told you before now, I know. I'm a selfish bitch sometimes. I don’t know why anyone puts up with me."
Lisa's words unleashed something deep inside of Allison, a longing she had kept buttoned up, not allowing even herself to feel the deep well of love abiding there. She put down her drink and walking over to Lisa took her friend in her arms to hold her close and whisper in her ear. The hate had been replaced by something even stronger... a love so deeply abiding she wondered if Yelena was right... that they were all lovers in past lives coming together again in an eternal dance.
"I'll stay and wait for you, my love. I'll wait forever if I have to, but please don't keep me hanging here that long. Okay?"
Lisa didn’t draw away; in fact, for just a second Allison thought she might, well... she didn’t want to go there just yet. She knew her friend was struggling and now wasn’t the time to heap more on her plate. Finally, Allison pulled back and looking into Lisa's eyes she thought how she saw her friend for the first time as a lover, someone who she could treasure for the rest of her life. Lisa's words cemented that notion.
"I promise I won't keep you waiting long, my love. When I come back we'll make a life together here. You'll see. I know we can all be happy here. Thanks for being so patient with me, Allison. I really don't deserve someone as good as you."
"God, your arms feel so good around me, Lisa, so natural and right."
"I know, sweetie. Believe me, I know. Just you wait; one of these days I'm going to do more than put my arms around you."
"Any time, my love, I'm right here."
Chapter 23—Jem
“I want you to meet someone, Billy. I need you to meet her.”
Lisa watched him with arched brows and eyes open wide the way she did when she had something important to share with someone. She didn’t do it on purpose… more out of habit from childhood… a little girl thing she used while her father still lived and still possessed a good heart and she wanted something that she knew she shouldn’t or couldn’t have but still wanted it nonetheless… before her father changed into an alcoholic bastard she no longer recognized.
“Who?”
An early spring bloomed outside bursting through the window thrown wide open so sounds of ocean waves wafted into the room along with the sea scented air. Lying in bed exhausted from making love and drinking bottles of Sam Adams Boston lager they smoked cigarettes with the ash tray nestled between them while watching the Late Show without really seeing it with the covers pulled up to their waists.
“My daughter.”
Lisa sat up straight crossing her legs and looking at him to see his reaction.
“I didn’t know you had a daughter, Lisa. Where is she? How old is she?”
"She turned seven last December… as to where she is… that's a long story. It started when Roger called me into work on a Saturday… normally I worked during the week and had weekends off. I brought my girl to the day care center in town before work and picked her up after… at least until she started school, and then I could be with her in the morning before school and make sure she got onto the bus okay and be home by the time the bus arrived in the afternoon.
"Anyway… when Roger asked me to work I didn’t want to let him down. I called a teenage girl who baby sat for me a few times in the past… her name is Natalie Jensen. She lives in Little River with her mother. Natalie told me sure, she would be happy to baby sit. So I dropped my little girl off at Natalie's house and went in to work.
"Just before closing time the police showed up at Twenty Nine Katz. They claimed Natalie filed a report with them that I dropped my daughter off at her house covered in bruises all over her body. The police arrested me and placed my girl into foster care. Later, when the case went to trial, Natalie's mother told the court that she didn't see any bruises on my daughter the day I dropped her off. Natalie finally confessed that her boyfriend came over to the house wanting to take her out so she left my daughter in the care of her brother, Tony.
"When she arrived home, Natalie saw bruises on my girl. Frightened that she'd be blamed for it, she made up the story that I dropped my daughter off in that condition. The judge dropped the case against me, but told me to regain custody of my daughter I'd have to file a motion in family court, not criminal court. My lawyer told me that will cost money… a lot more money than I have… I've been saving up though."
“Oh my God… that must have been so hard for you, Lisa. What’s your daughter's name?”
“Her real name is Jennifer Emily but everyone calls her Jem, with a J. I just received a letter from the attorney representing me… it says I've been granted supervised visitation rights… would you like to come with me to see Jem?"
“Jem… with a J… t
hat’s such a pretty name... I like it. I’d be happy to meet your daughter, Lisa. Of course I'll come with you… thank you for asking me.”
Lisa didn’t expect things to go so well. She thought—like most men she knew—Billy would be pissed at finding out she hadn’t told him about Jem and all those bad times she’d gone through. She should have known better; Billy wasn’t like other men. And though she’d jokingly tell Allison she had just two men, her past held more like two trainloads men and boys, to be sure.
"You don't know how long I wanted to tell you about Jem. Thank you for understanding, Billy."
She had a hole in her heart that nothing she could do would help heal it. Every day she awoke and for just a second she wondered if Jem was awake yet too. But then she would remember... Jem wasn’t there. She was in a home somewhere and not even allowed to see her own mother.
Lisa would go into the bathroom and weep for her daughter and the pain the little girl must be going through... not understanding what was happening to her or why she was taken from the only home she had ever know.
She hated the Jensens for the longest time until she realized her hate was doing nothing but turning her into a bitter sad woman who didn’t deserve to see her daughter much less have custody of her. One day she stopped hating and suddenly Billy Austin was there.
"I want to help you get her back, Lisa. I have some money put away. Let's use it to pay your attorney."
"I couldn’t let you do that, Billy."
"You’re not letting me do anything. I'm doing it for your family, for our family. We should be together, Lisa. We'll have to find a bigger place to live, though. This apartment is fine for the two of us but not if Jem is going to live with us."
“You know I have a house, don’t you? I’ll take you to see it one of these days.”
“I figured you must have lived somewhere before you moved in here.”
