Precious Blessings (Love Inspired)

by Jillian Hart

  Our Summer Vacation was the title, in flowing silver letters with all kinds of color and framework and style. The past flooded him as he studied the pictures they’d taken of the three of them huddled around a Welcome to Yellowstone sign. Hayden so young, she had to be around nine, her hair drawn back by a pink headband, her innocence and happiness shining as bright as the sun. Heidi’s eyes were hidden behind dark glasses, and her smile was forced. It had been a hard trip for her. She’d never come back fully after realizing she would never have more children.

  Sometimes, as much as you tried, as much as you loved someone, it wasn’t enough. He’d seen too much in his work and he knew, good people had problems. They were all flawed. Life happened, and he’d done everything right, never put his work or himself above his family and his faith.

  He’d done it all in the right way, and still he’d lost his wife. Now he feared he could lose his daughter in a fundamental or spiritual way. He wished he could go back in time so he would know not to take Heidi’s reassurances that she was fine for the truth. But it was impossible. All he could do now was to forgive her for the wrong choices she’d made out of pain. He closed the book with a thud that echoed in the room. It felt so empty, despite the drone of the television and his little girl upstairs.

  He didn’t know if he’d thought to forgive Heidi before this. The last few years had been tough: grieving, parenting Hayden alone, trying to make the right choices and the right decisions. Life had a way of carrying you forward whether you meant to or not.

  He returned the album to the shelf.

  “Dad?” Wrapped in her housecoat Hayden padded silently into the room. “You were looking at the albums.”

  She sounded confrontational; he knew a lot hid beneath the surface. “Yep.”

  “You probably forgot what Mom looked like, huh? Must have come as a real shock.”

  “I miss your mother every day. I suspect I always will miss the chance to make the past right.”

  Hayden shrugged, retreating into sarcasm. Her chin came up, her eyes filled with pain. “It’s like, yay, she’s gone, so I’ll just date, right? Whatever.”

  “I believe it’s what your mother would want.”

  “She’d want to be replaced? Forgotten? Yeah, right.”

  This was the problem, Jack thought. When he’d had that long counseling session with Marin, this is what she’d said to look for. It was easy to get stuck somewhere on the grieving process. The important thing was to help Hayden move along in her grief and to accept, finally. So she could move past this broken place in her life.

  That was what he was trying to do. “No one can replace your mom, Hayden.”

  “You seem to think Katherine McKaslin can. You were out with her, right? I’m not a dumb kid anymore.”

  “You’re the smartest kid I know. And you’re going to grow up to be intelligent, good and kind, just like your mom.”

  Tears flooded Hayden’s eyes. She whipped away to hide them.

  “You’re so like her, Hayden.” Maybe this was why he had such a hard time seeing Hayden as a teenager, seeing her as a young lady. Because he saw so much of Heidi in her. “Losing your mom nearly killed me, you know that. I haven’t liked going on living without her, but it’s what we have to do.”

  Hayden sniffed. “I’m not gonna forget her. I won’t do it. I can’t just say, fine, I loved you and stuff but now you’re not here so, too bad. I’ll just have a great time. Yippee.”

  “Oh, baby.” He’d never quite seen the problem or the solution so clearly. For all his good intentions over the past few years, for all his love and his devotion to his daughter, he’d needed help with this. Marin’s help. Katherine’s influence. God’s guidance. But he had it figured out now, he really did. “I’m not dating Katherine to replace your mom. I would never want that.”

  Still faced away from him, her shoulders hunched, his daughter was utter misery. She shook with silent sobs.

  “But you don’t have to stay miserable to hold onto your mom. I think that’s what I’ve done too, let that sadness simmer into bitterness because as long as I keep grieving her, I think she won’t be forgotten. But that’s not true.”

  Harder sobs.

  “Katherine is a nice lady, and I like her. I’m going to date her, but not because I’ve forgotten your mom. Because I want to honor her. She impacted my life in so many positive ways. That’s what we should take with us. All the good things. We should hold those memories close and keep on living. She wants us to have good lives.”

  “Wants us? She doesn’t want anything, Dad. She’s g-gone.”

  He placed his hand on her shoulder, a father’s tender love filling him. He wanted to protect her from this pain, to stop her tears, to obliterate her misery, but she couldn’t walk through it to the other side if he did. “Your mom isn’t here anymore, it’s true, but she’s alive in heaven.”

  “You c-can pray, but it doesn’t bring her b-back.”

  “Her spirit is alive and that means her love for you is alive. Don’t stop loving her. Do you think she wants that?”

  Hayden shook her head.

  “Love her the right way, in prayer. Make good choices in your life to honor her. She’s not here like she was, but your mom’s love for you is forever. Not even death can stop that.”

  She hung her head, as if even more miserable.

  Words were words, he knew, until you felt them, until you believed them soul-deep. He reached for the photo albums again. “You were looking at these tonight?”

  A watery nod, as if she were hurting too much to speak.

  He knew just how that felt. “Do you remember our trip to Yellowstone? The first thing we did was look for buffalo, remember?”

  A single nod.

  He sensed Hayden looking against her will. He flipped open to the page so she could see. “A bull stepped right out in the road in front of us. And while he stood there for twenty-one minutes, we got a real close view. Remember how hairy he was?”

  “Mom was afraid of him, like he was going to gore us, so you took us to a restaurant and ordered buffalo burgers for all of us.” Hayden almost smiled, then her face collapsed and she fell silent, tears on her face.

  “It’s okay to laugh. It was funny. Remember how your mom felt much better after lunch? She wasn’t scared anymore.”

  She crossed her arms around her middle, as if holding the pain inside. “Don’t.”

  “I know it hurts, but it will get better. Then, when you look at these pictures you’ll remember the good things. The love. The happiness. That’s what we get to keep.”

  Her gaze traveled to the photos, bright on the open pages, frozen in time. It was hard to know what she was thinking. She snapped the books shut and took them with her as she ambled toward the stairs.

  It was late, and she looked tired. Jack knew she’d had a long day. “I’m proud that you stuck it out at the shelter. I know you didn’t like it. Marin told me you were doing a great job. She was impressed with you.”

  “I just wanted to get the work over and done with.” Hayden hugged the albums to her as paused. “Dad?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I get what you’re trying to say. I just…” She shrugged again, his little girl, clutching the photo albums full of so many memories, books made with everlasting love, looking both so young and so grown-up in the same moment. “G’night.”

  “Good night. Don’t forget to say your prayers.”

  “Yeah.” Wistful. A little confused. And she was gone.

  It wasn’t easy to let go of grieving, he knew. Sometimes grief was the only way to hold on to a loved one who had passed. Hayden was a smart, good girl. She was going to get through this. He’d make sure of it.

  The past and those we’ve loved would always be a part of us, he thought, in this room with a few pictures and photo albums of the past. But it was the future that gave him hope now. A future where his daughter was happy and growing up and living a good, quality life.

  As
for his future, that had been a huge question mark for many years. Until now. Whatever steps he chose had to be good for Hayden; there was no question about that. Maybe the trials he’d been through, and those numerous first dates that had never worked out, had happened for a reason. To bring him here. To Katherine. To perfect Katherine.

  He turned to the Bible he still held, weighing it in his hands. Comforting. Sure. Eminently thankful, he bowed his head, grateful for his blessings.

  Katherine woke up, the scream dying in her throat. The sounds of her panicked breathing a ghostly echo in the room. The nightmare shredded into a thousand pieces and disappeared as she flicked on the bedside-table lamp. The sudden light felt too bright. Her eyes hurt as it spilled over the tabletop and her Bible, chasing back the darkness.

  She dragged herself into a sitting position and her arms felt weak. Her hands shook hard as she grabbed the covers and shoved them away. She felt nauseated, sick. Wet with sweat. The taste of fear lingered in her mouth. Emptiness had hollowed out her soul, just the way it had over fifteen years ago.

  Everyone has wounds in their lives. It’s not so much that you erase that wound from your heart, as much as you learn to move past the pain. To live and learn to trust others even with that old wound. Why did her words come back to her, the ones she’d said to Jack a while ago?

  Maybe because tonight she’d reopened the wrong that nothing could make right. Making light of first-date disasters as if the only kind of dating disaster would be funny, and not dangerous. Worrying about what Jack would think if he knew she’d been date-raped as a college freshman. What he would think of the nine months following that…oh, that was a time she could not bear to allow into her consciousness.

  The simple act of remembering tore through her soul.

  All the years of counseling, of help and understanding from her family and pastor had helped her learn to cope and heal enough to live her life. But the emotional wound would never go away. It haunted her on nights like this. She’d given this up to God, but it still haunted her. It still felt like a brand on her spirit. Kevin had rejected her because of it.

  Would Jack?

  In the wee hours of the night, when the dark was so suffocating and powerful, it dimmed the brightness of their emotional connection and of the good, positive experience of simply having dinner with him.

  The darkness made the shadows inside her deeper and harder to see past.

  Chapter Fourteen

  The shadows from the nightmare seemed to stick in the light of day. Church service had helped, and having lunch with her sisters and brother had, too. But now that she was back home, alone with the silence of the house surrounding her, she noticed the shadows again, lurking just below the surface.

  Maybe some noise would help. She slipped a CD in the player, hit Play and hoped that the “Moonlight Sonata” would ease some of her anxiety. She plopped on the couch, put her feet on the coffee table and picked up her book. Even with the soothing music, she couldn’t concentrate.

  The phone rang. What were the odds that was one of her sisters? Ava had called twice, Aubrey once. Danielle had called. Stepsister Rebecca, who’d been out of the loop being busy with college, had called, all wanting the scoop.

  In the last two hours Katherine had dodged so many questions about Jack, she didn’t know if she had enough energy to do it one more time. At least, not without fortifying herself with chocolate first.

  She found enough oomph to check the extension, but the ID screen said it was Jack. Her hand was reaching to answer the phone before her mind had made the conscious decision. “I hope this means you made it home last night without disaster on those spare tires.”

  “Roger that. I’m not calling at a bad time, right?”

  “Right. I’m just trying to read a book.”

  “Trying?”

  “My phone keeps ringing. My sisters, mostly.”

  “Your sisters are a big part of your life.”

  “I would disown them, but then who would look after them? What can I say, they need me.” Since she was up, she wandered into the kitchen. Surely she had some chocolate somewhere. “Why are you calling?”

  “I wanted to make sure you weren’t starting to think over last night and getting dater’s remorse.”

  “We’ve both been there before. Fortunately I’ve had the syndrome often so I recognize the symptoms, and I haven’t noticed any so far.”

  “That’s good.”

  “Of course, it’s early yet. We’ll see how this call turns out.”

  “Sure, add to the pressure.”

  “How about you?” She tugged open the pantry door. “Are you experiencing any signs of dating remorse?”

  “Only that I spilled my personal stuff and you didn’t. You stayed mysteriously silent.”

  “Probably because I was eating.”

  “Notice how that didn’t stop me?”

  This man made her laugh. The more she wanted him, the more real it was that she would have to tell him about… Don’t think about it yet, Katherine. She scanned the pantry—the only chocolate she spied was a package of baking chips. “I like that you think I’m mysteriously silent. I think that’s how we’ll keep it.”

  “And I’m trying to politely pry into your story.”

  Right here was a good place to tell him about that stubborn but devout seventeen-year-old girl who’d graduated a year early from the local high school and insisted on going away to college. Away from the protective arms of her dad and stepmother, away from the safety net of her siblings and childhood friends. Away from everything she knew. Not understanding that the world wasn’t as safe as the one she’d grown up in.

  Now wasn’t the time to tell him about that, not on the phone.

  “Sorry. No prying allowed, mister. I’m mysteriously silent, remember?”

  “Mysteriously silent and impervious to interrogation techniques?”

  “Absolutely.” Wise in the ways of plastic packaging, she didn’t even try to rip the bag open. She went to the top drawer and plucked a pair of scissors out of the drawer organizer. “I didn’t see you at the early service this morning. I’m assuming you made the later one?”

  “Yep. Hayden and I had some issues to discuss. We made it to the last service just as they were starting the opening prayer.” His baritone dipped, serious.

  She could feel the weight of it like a hundred-pound barbell on her chest. Here it comes, she thought as she snipped the corner off the bag. The first real obstacle— Hayden. “How is she doing?”

  “Better, I think. It’s hard to tell because the male brain cannot wrap around the workings of the female mind. She says she’s fine and I know she’s not, but I think she means she’s doing better than she has been. Our talk started after I got home last night and we picked it up this morning.”

  The truth was, she cared about Hayden. She popped a few chips into her mouth. She braced herself for him to say this wasn’t going to be good for Hayden. “How does she feel about our date? The last thing I want to do is cause her more problems.”

  “You’re not. My daughter has some grief issues she’s dealing with. They’re going to be with her for some time to come. With your mom leaving when you were young, I know you understand. I have to do what’s best for my little girl, hands down.”

  “I already know that about you. That’s what I want, too.”

  “I’ve known that from the start.” His words were warm, his baritone inviting her to relax, to let down her guard, to open up.

  And there it was, this intense emotional closeness to him. A connection that could erase the miles separating them and breach the walls of her condo and dig like a fishhook into her spirit, binding her to him.

  This is way too fast, she thought as she plopped onto the couch cushion. They’d been on one date. She could make a two-page list of all the things she didn’t know about him. And probably a five-line list of all the things she did.

  This wasn’t sensible, falling so fast and hard like
this. She’d passed the fail-safe point, and if this didn’t work out, she knew there wasn’t a safe way back. How did she put on the brakes? How did she slow down her feelings? He was like gravity pulling her soul to his and it wasn’t practical or sensible or orderly, but frightening and uncertain. She had no way to predict doom or safety.

  And that was how she’d been able to come back after the rape and its consequences. Safe, practical, sensible, predictable. She’d built her life on that, and she had thrived. Like anyone, she had her good days and her harder ones, but everyone had pain in their lives. She had her faith to help her. And, she knew, it would help her now. Strengthen her to face whatever came of this.

  “Hayden has her skiing lesson this week, so I have a question. How about you meet me up at the lodge?”

  “Are you going to try to ski?”

  “Not down the advanced runs.”

  His words were warm with humor and curled around her heart like the coziness from a wood fire. Oh, she was so in love with this man. There was no way to stop it. No way to hold back such a powerful emotional force. So she took a deep breath and sealed her fate. “I’ll see you there.”

  Her fateful words haunted her into the next day. Katherine zipped her coat as she stepped out into the crisp, blustery day, trying to ignore Marin’s and Holly’s question. The one she’d been asked at least six hundred times today.

  “I’m seeing him tomorrow,” she told them as they wove their way around the parked cars. “And before you ask another question, no, it’s not an official date, we’re just getting together for skiing and dinner after or something.”

  “Sure, he calls you up the day after your first date. Obviously he’s hardly interested,” Holly agreed, trawling for her keys in her enormous tote. “I mean, how indifferent can a guy get?”

  “Exactly.” Marin led the way to Holly’s car. “I mean, how many guys call right away? They say they will, and they do. I think it’s fairly common.”