All I Have Left

by Shey Stahl

  I didn’t waste any time climbing the tree by his window, although I did kick Ethan’s door as I ran downstairs.

  I didn’t want this. I know what I came back to, but again, I didn’t want it in some ways.

  Around two that morning, I had enough and went up to my room. As I walked in, I let my mind wander to Evie again. The last memory I had was her on my bed as my body covered hers.

  “Please,” she whispered, her hands moving over my shoulders and then down my back reaching for my sweatshirt.

  Did she know what she was asking for? She had a boyfriend. And that wasn’t me.

  My kisses, intolerant of going slow, seemed to be just as impatient as hers. My hands pawed at her clothes through the layers to find her skin suddenly heated.

  “Please what?” The words tumbled from my lips urgently as I covered her body with mine. Spreading her legs apart with my own, I found myself where I desperately wanted to be.

  Once my shirt was off, her hands skimmed over my ribcage and to my shoulders again.

  “Just come closer…” she said, making a low sound that felt like something she shouldn’t know how to do at seventeen. I felt that sound all through my body as she kissed up my throat to my mouth.

  I couldn’t get that night out of my head as my fingers danced over the keys. But I also couldn’t imagine how much I had hurt her by not telling her goodbye or even the real reason why I joined the Army...joining the military was the only way I could guarantee that I would let her find her own happiness. It was the only way. Or worse, after having sex with her. Part of me felt like I had led her on. Which in a way, you could easily say that I had.

  The problem for me was I couldn’t stand to see her pushing herself away from everyone just because she thought she was hurting me. Neither one of us could admit the feelings that had developed over our years of friendship. I was ready graduation night until I saw her sitting on the dock with Chris. For once, she finally looked happy. I didn’t want to ruin it so I left. Cowardly I say now, but back then, it was easy to use that as an excuse. A way to avoid what I really felt. Evie’s been through a lot more than most girls should have ever gone through. What if I wasn’t good enough? That was what I asked myself a lot, and finally, how I had convinced myself to leave.

  And now, that seemed to be the biggest mistake I’d ever made, besides joining the military. I have nothing against the service. I just didn’t think it was the right choice for me. At the time, I enlisted because I thought the only way I would ever keep myself from coming back to Evie, would be having an obligation to my country.

  If I just left for college, I wouldn’t have made it very long before I came running back begging for her forgiveness. With the military, it was an obligation I couldn’t walk away from. An obligation that almost killed me.

  Just the thought of what happened over there had me shaking and swallowing over memories that wouldn’t let my weary mind rest.

  Needing to calm down, I walked into my bathroom and tried running some water over my face hoping maybe that might knock some fucking sense into me, didn’t work. I ran my hands through my hair trying to tame the insanity but that didn’t work either so I walked into my room hoping to fall asleep quickly, although I don’t think I’ve slept in months, at least not soundly. Every time I closed my eyes, the images of Iraq haunted my sleep, plagued my dreams. I looked at the medication in my bag and decided maybe it was time I give those pills a try. I swallowed two back dry and read that bottle. “Take before bed as needed.”

  Part of me, in the weeks following my return from Iraq, on those sleepless nights I laid awake in that hospital bed fearing the darkness of the night, I wondered what it would be like if they had just left me there. I would have died, I knew that, but would that have been easier?

  Needing to relax I sat down at my piano and began to play. Playing tonight reminded me of how much I enjoyed playing. When stationed in New Mexico I was able to play every day until I left for Iraq. It became something I did over there to pass the time. Everyday seemed impossibly more monotonous than the last.

  I played for what seemed like a while when interrupted by knocking at my window. My heartbeat quickened as I looked over my shoulder at the beautiful woman standing outside. I quickly opened the window and helped her in.

  “Took you long enough,” I teased.

  I hoped that she would come over but I really had no idea if she would, considering she was seeing someone now and had left with him earlier.

  “Took you three years,” she chided giving a coy smile.

  Knowing I deserved that, I chuckled a little at her response. As she stepped in, I noticed her attire…

  Good God, she still has that fucking dress on.

  “Had that coming I guess.” My hand swept over the back of my neck, agreeing with her, as I sat back down by the piano. I pulled her with me. I had to be touching her in some way.

  “By the way,” she whispered sitting down next to me, leaning her head on my shoulder, “you were great out there today. You definitely didn’t lose your touch, did you?”

  “Mm-hmm,” I pulled her closer so we were touching arms, I had to be close to her. When my eyes found hers, I was consumed in her beauty yet again. I smiled softly and began playing, hoping she would recognize the tune. She did instantly and did exactly what I thought she would. She walked over to my bed and curled up.

  I finished the song then laid next to her on the bed, careful not to touch her unless she wanted, always her choice. She quickly crawled over to my chest and wormed her way into my willing embrace. My heart was pounding, as was hers. I pulled her closer, instantly regretting it when I took a deep breath. I had so many questions for her but I didn’t want to speak, just hold her like the past three years hadn’t been a tremendous void in my life without her in it. This was exactly what I needed. Exactly what I hoped for when I decided to come home. I wish I had this three months ago.

  After a few minutes, I had to ask the question that was burning a hole in my heart.

  “So…Shane?” I voiced my curiosity, and then the words were out, too late to recall them.

  Please tell me you don’t love him. Please tell me I’m not too late.

  Evie stiffened and so did I. But before I had time to deeply regret speaking the words aloud she answered.

  “Can you just hold me like we used to? Just this once please. I’ll explain later.” She murmured, hiding her head in my shoulder. “I know what you’re going to say, so please, just hold me. It’s what I need right now.”

  I leaned down and softly kissed the top of her head, hearing her soft whimpers was almost too much. Sucking in a jagged breath my eyes began burning. Evie noticed and pulled herself even closer, I didn’t think we could get any closer than we were but somehow she did it—not that I minded. Feeling every inch of her warm body next to mine was better than I could have dreamed about these last three years. Her left leg was casually draped over mine so of course, my male hormones started to think of her in this skimpy black dress she was still wearing as she clung to my body. Evie has always been very attractive but this should illegal.

  Suddenly she shifted to look up at me through her thick lashes, her hips grinding into my thigh in the process. Fuck…Think of something else, Grayson!

  Did I do that?

  No. Fuck no. Instead our night together flashed in my head.

  “Do you want to…?” I whispered, my lips just under her ear.

  Pulling back, I looked at her trying to decide if what I said scared her. She moved her hips again, her head turned to the window and the rain falling. “Yes…”

  Tightening my arms around her, her gaze caught mine again.

  Leaning back away, the space between us filled with the cool air. My hand reached for my jeans, all the while keeping my eyes locked with hers. I swallowed when she sat up on her elbows and removed her bra.

  I was hard. So fucking hard because, for one, Evie was wrapped around my body in that fucking dress and here
I was reliving our night together. I wanted to act on it. I wanted to roll her over and cover her delicate body with mine, press myself against her and show her how much I love her.

  Swallowing, I was trying like hell to get those visuals and don’t go there thoughts from my mind. It wasn’t easy. It never was with Evie.

  I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to feel her skin against mine. I didn’t want to hold her like this because now, right now, I knew I would never let go again.

  What if I had no choice?

  My body was trembling against his, a shake I couldn’t control.

  Now that I was finally here, surrounded by Grayson, I didn’t want to let him go again. Never again.

  I laid my hand on his stomach, absentmindedly tracing circles. His muscles felt so tight and tense that I wanted desperately to feel those muscles beneath his shirt. I wanted to rip his shirt off and ride the shit out of him is what I really wanted to do. Nothing compared to the way I felt with Grayson and the way he knew my body. Though our experience together was a one-hit wonder, nothing compared to the way he made me feel physically and emotionally that night we were together.

  I’ve always been attracted to Grayson but after three years of separation, this was unbearable verging on pleasure-filled pain of having him home. I had to distract myself because with my thoughts, God knows we were in the perfect position for a redo. Grayson was on his back, one arm behind his head, the other wrapped tightly around my waist. My hips were pushed up against his leg as my left leg was draped slightly over his. Like I said—perfect position.

  “Are you staying?” I asked timidly. Part of me hoping that maybe he didn’t hear me. I noticed when I shifted my body to look at him his whole body tensed; he shifted beside me as if he was uncomfortable.

  “Yeah,” he whispered softly in my ear, nuzzling his face in my hair. That started more tears so I quickly looked down again, hiding my face in his armpit. I sniffed, naturally, remembering his smell.

  Grayson didn’t seem to be bothered by my sniffing or he didn’t notice…instead he just held me, offering me solace. He always knew exactly what I needed and it’s a good thing he did because I didn’t—I was confused as hell.

  I lifted my head, intending on asking him why he left and what this now meant, when his eyes found mine. Then he did what I wasn’t expecting and kissed my cheek tenderly. I wanted him to but the feel of his lips against my cheek stunned me. As I tried to regroup, his lips moved to my neck. I pushed myself away because this was not what I needed right now, especially for my inner slut puppy who so desperately wanted a do-over so I sat beside him instead. Trying, desperately to control myself.

  “I hate you for leaving.”

  His eyes clouded. “I hate myself for leaving.”

  He looked at me, his eyes on mine, watching, seeing what he’d done to me. I know he felt it. He had to. And I see it, I’m all he had left. I feel it deep within. It’s in his eyes and the gentle touch. His smile and the way it never touched his lips all the way.

  Right then I know how much of a fucking mess my life it and I don’t have any clue what tomorrow will bring. I’m lost. But I think, no, I know he is too.

  When I woke up the next morning, I heard Josh and Kelly arguing in the other room.

  Shit. I had fallen asleep here. I looked up at Grayson who was still asleep, smothering me I might add, his long legs draped over mine and his arm wrapped around my waist. If anyone had walked in at this moment they would surely think this was more than two friends having a sleep over.

  Beside me, Grayson groaned and pulled me closer, his arms now securely around me.

  He looked so peaceful, angelic almost. His breathing was light and steady with a slight pout to his soft lips. I didn’t want to wake him so I carefully leaned forward and looked over at the alarm clock on the nightstand.

  Holy shit, its seven o’clock. I’m late for work.

  Goddamn it, Harper was going to kill me. If my brother weren’t such an asshole and Grayson wouldn’t have come over here. I would have gotten more sleep and I would actually be on time for once in my life. On top of all that, Shane would soon be looking for me.

  Could this week get any fucking worse?

  Stay tuned later today to see how much I hate my life.

  “I swear, Shane, she’s not here!” Josh yelled from downstairs.

  What did I tell you?

  “The last time I saw her she was being dragged away by your caveman ass!”

  Awesome Josh, piss him off even more. Way to make my life worse.

  When I was younger, I used to get pissed thinking about why my mom put up with the shit my dad put her through. Why didn’t she leave? Didn’t she have enough respect for herself that she would have left?

  Well now that I’ve experienced what she went through, I understood why she stayed. It’s easier.

  I tried to bury myself into Grayson, the only place I felt safe, I must of woke him up because I almost jumped out of my own skin when his hand gently rubbed my back.

  “I’m sorry I woke you,” I whispered.

  “Mmmm—it’s all right Evie,” he shifted beside me, turning more toward me. “I was awake already just hadn’t opened my eyes yet I guess. Enjoying myself,” he said slowly. “Forgot how good you smell.”

  I snuck a glance at him and boy did I regret it.

  I wish I could just rip your clothes off right now.

  He looked confused, and for a moment I thought I actually said that last part out loud.

  “Who’s down stairs yelling?” he asked, sitting up in bed when he heard the yelling.

  “That would be Josh yelling at Shane,” I hid my face in a pillow.

  I felt Grayson get up instantly. When I glanced up at him, I realized he had taken his shirt off at some point last night.

  Good Lord, look at those muscles! That boy has a twelve pack.

  He heard my breath catch when he stood and looked back over his shoulder with a smirk.

  I shamelessly watched his every move, checking his cell phone beside the bed, running his strong hands through his hair, his back muscles flexing with each movement.

  My eyes caught his nightstand and the bottle of pills on it. “What are those?”

  He looked over his shoulder at the bottle, his eyes so distant almost as if he was in another world. “Just some shit…” and then turned around.

  I noticed numerous scars across his back, the marks appearing to be fairly new, still purple. Just as I was about to ask about them, he slid his shirt on and reached for the door.

  “No!” I shouted jumping to grab his arm. “He can’t see you or me here!” He looked surprised at my reaction running his hands through his mess of hair, stepping back toward the bed.

  His eyes narrowed, his jaw tightened. “Why the fuck not!” he demanded.

  Okay, well now he’s angry.

  “Because...he remembers you from high school.” My voice shook, my fears for him seeing why this was so hard for me, weighed heavily on my words. “Who knows how he’ll react if he sees you!” I insisted, still staring at his body.

  Grayson’s hands clenched into fists, a wicked, condescending smile gracing his lips slightly. He was quiet, much too quiet, nodding his head while staring at the floor, his jaw rigid and set. His mouth opened as though he was about to say something then paused as if deciding something.

  “Evie, do you really think I care what he thinks? I saw his reaction last night to us. Tell me, cause I’m really fucking curious, what is that you see in him?” he pressed, anger evident in his tone.

  “It’s complicated, Grayson.” His suddenly livid expression caused my voice to fad out.

  Complicated doesn’t even do this situation justice. I looked away from him so I didn’t say anything equally as asinine and went to sit on the bed again. I heard Shane’s car roar out of the driveway.

  Grayson was still staring at the ground, nodding his head once before his eyes slowly met mine. He brought his hand up, running it
across the back of his neck. “Alright, un-complicate it then, Evie,” he challenged in a clipped tone, retreating to the corner of his room as if he was distancing himself from me and this. His furious glower made it hard to answer.

  Before I could, Josh knocked on the door lightly. “Fuck, don’t let him know I’m here.” I whispered to Grayson and hid in the only thing I could think to hide in. His closet.

  To think I’d resorted to this rather than being seen…oh, how I’ve sunk to a new level of pathetic.

  Even without seeing his face, I could hear the smile in his voice.

  “Evie you can get out of Grayson’s closet,” Josh teased. “I know you’re in there.”

  Son of a bitch. Now everyone is going to know I was in Grayson’s bed last night.

  “Thought I’d find you two up here,” Josh chuckled lightly as I stepped from the closet and sat down on the edge of Grayson’s bed. “Evie, I think you pissed off lover boy last night. He’s on his way to see his dad apparently. He said you had better call him within the next hour. I have to tell you, he’s dreamy!” Josh said, sarcastically.

  Grayson rolled his eyes and sat next to me, staring, almost as if he was waiting for me to finally say something that made sense. I doubted I would at this point.

  “You’re not really going to go after him, are you?” Grayson asked, still anxious. He reached for my hand, placing his own over mine—staring at me with obvious doubt in his eyes.

  I jerked my hand away quickly before I forgot why I needed to leave and why Shane couldn’t see me here. “I’m going to call him. Believe me, if I don’t it will be a very long day for everyone. I have to call him before he goes to see his dad.”

  Without waiting for Grayson, or Josh to say anymore, I ran downstairs only to run directly into my brother in their kitchen helping himself to their food.

  “Well, good morning, sunshine,” Ethan greeted me with the biggest smirk I’d ever seen. How on earth he was so chipper with so little sleep was beyond me and actually rather annoying.