In My Head

by Schiefer, S. L.

  Why can’t this be enough?

  WE’RE BACK IN THE real world. Our weekend away was so much fun, it’ll be a trip I won’t forget for a long time. But today fucking sucks. As soon as we got home from getting the kids, I felt sick. It’s a nauseous feeling that is lingering. I’ve tried everything I know to ease my sickness.

  It’s Wednesday and Ben has called the doctor and made me an appointment. I’ve never felt like this before, so begrudgingly I’m en route to the doctor after leaving the kids with my parents. I hate going to doctors, with a fearsome loathing. The only reason I agreed to go is if I have to spend one more day with this nausea and cold like symptoms I might stab myself.

  While I’m sitting in the waiting room, multiple people who are sneezing and hacking come in. It makes me want to move myself to the corner of this tiny room and quarantine myself away from them. This is another reason why I hate coming to the doctors, I’m not a germaphobe, but being around sick people makes me feel gross.

  Like I need to go home and shower in scalding hot water to disinfect myself.

  The door opens, and every pair of eyes in this room flick to the nurse standing there. It’s like we’re all waiting with bated breath to find out who is next to get their salvation away from the sickness.

  “Lyla, the doctor is ready for you. If you’ll follow me.” I practically jump out of the chair and sprint to the doorway. She turns when I reach her and leaves me to close the door behind me. I try to close it as quietly as I can, it always seems as if no matter how quiet you are the doors are always slammed in a place like this.

  I quickly follow the nurse down the hall, and enter the room she points to. She follows me and shuts the door behind her. Pulling the swivel seat up to the counter, she sits down and opens up my chart. I place my purse in the chair next to the one I’m going to sit down in.

  Once my ass is finally in a chair, she starts her interrogation.

  “So, Lyla. What brings you in today?” She clicks her pen, and poises her hand to write down my response. Never once looking away from her chart.

  “I haven’t felt good since coming home from vacation Sunday. I’ve had an upset stomach, and some cold like symptoms. I thought it may have been food I tried down there, but it’s hung on too long to be that.”

  She scribbles down every word, and asks, “What symptoms have you had?

  “I’ve had a headache, a weird tickle in the back of my throat, a slight sore throat, runny nose, and an upset stomach.”

  Nodding her head up and down a couple times she continues scribbling. “All right, I’m going to let the doctor know you’re ready and I’ll send him in.” She instructs me to hop up on the table.

  I do as I was told, and then I sit there like a child and swing my legs back and forth. At the knock on the door, it opens and in walks my doctor.

  “Hey, Lyla. How have you been?” The great thing about moving back home is I was able to get back in with my childhood doctor.

  “I’ve been well, adjusting to having two kids in the house.” I chuckle, and so does she.

  “All right, let’s find out what’s going on huh?” She pulls her stethoscope out and listens to everything, pulls out the lights to see in my nose and ears, and checks all my glands. Then goes on to say she’s going to have the nurses run a couple tests and have me pee in a cup while she has me here and steps out.

  The nurse comes back in wielding her vampire supplies. It’s a miracle she only has to poke me twice. But she gets her blood and then has me run down to the bathroom and give the urine sample. Bringing me back to the room, she tells me the doctor will be back shortly and that I can go ahead and sit in the regular chair.

  Plopping down in the chair I sit there and bounce my leg, anxious to get this over with. After five minutes of sitting there bouncing my legs up and down, I end up pulling my phone out of my purse to read. Scrolling to the latest Alyne Roberts book, Atlas. I’m pretty sure this is my favorite book I’ve ever read.

  When the doctor knocks, I shove my phone back in my purse. Acting like I was just patiently waiting, rather than getting lost in a romance novel.

  “Okay, so we know what’s going on with you.” I sit up straight. Giving her my best “let me have it” look. “So, it looks like you do have a cold. But in the labs I had them run, we did find something else. You’re pregnant.”

  She had the brightest smile on her face. She’s assuming that since I’m married and already have two kids that this is going to be great, joyous news. She couldn’t be further from the truth.

  I sputter out a half-hearted thanks at her congratulations, and nod through her instructions that I need to follow up with my obstetrician as soon as possible so we can determine how far along I am since I don’t remember my last period. I stand up in a daze when she hands me two prescription papers and tells me to get them filled ASAP.

  Feeling like I’m in a fog, I walk out to my car and just sit in it.

  I’m wracking my brain to see if I remember using a condom when Bronson and I have had sex. But I can’t come up with one memory of a foil packet anywhere. I burst into soul wrenching sobs while I sit there. I finally turn the car on and turn the music up, to drown out my crying. I don’t want a do gooder citizen to walk by and try to ask what’s wrong.

  How am I going to explain to Ben that I’m pregnant, and the baby might not be his? I’ve done a great job at hiding what has gone on with Bronson, but now everything I’ve carefully hidden is threatening to spill out.

  Maybe I can ride this out. Both of my kids resemble my husband. Maybe I’ll luck out and this baby will look like me. And not have piercing blue eyes. I can let this go until I have the baby. I’ll cross that bridge when the time comes. I won’t worry about it until I see what this baby is going to look like.

  Putting the car in drive, I take off to get my kids. Telling myself over and over that everything will be okay.

  TELLING YOURSELF THAT things will be okay is just utter bullshit. I didn’t feel any better by the time I got home. I picked the kids up, and barely said five words to my parents. I just grabbed the kids and their shit and told them I would see them later.

  I started dinner when I got home, I was ravenously hungry after not having eaten all day. The news of me being pregnant made me lose my appetite for most of the day. But I have somewhat come to terms with what I’ve done. I’ve made my bed, but I’m only going to partially lay in it.

  Ben walks in the door just as I’m taking the food out of the oven. When he texted me today to ask me what the doctor said, I just texted back and told him we could discuss it when he got home from work. So that explains why he’s walking in the door at a decent time, instead of later like usual.

  “Hey, baby. Something smells great. What did you make?” He comes up behind me and places a kiss on the back of my neck. Making me shiver.

  “Stuffed shells.”

  “Oh, your favorite. Today must have been a rough day. You only make this when you’re down.” He turns me so he can look into my eyes. “Lyla, tell me what the doctor said.”

  I try to shrug out of his embrace, but he holds on tighter. “Don’t you want to eat first and then talk when we put the kids down for bed?”

  “No,” he says firmly. “You’re scaring me, I feel like you’re going to tell me you’re dying or something. Please tell me you aren’t dying!” In his eyes all I see is sheer panic.

  I turn completely and he wraps his arms around my shoulders. I place my hands on both of his cheeks. “Ben, I’m not dying. But we do have a lot to talk about.”

  Complete and utter relief fills his face. “Okay, just tell me now. I still want to know what’s going on.”

  Sighing, I drop my hands. “Well, I do have a cold. But there is more.” I look him in the eyes, and steel myself to say this. We both didn’t really want any more kids, so I don’t know how he’s going to take this. “I’m pregnant.”

  “That’s what this is about?” He laughs.

  I scrunch m
y face up. “Excuse me? We both agreed we didn’t want any more kids. So I’m sorry if I thought you might be a little upset about this.”

  He continues to laugh, so I attempt to get out of his embrace again. But he holds on tighter. “Baby, no I didn’t really think we needed another baby. Especially right now, but God never gives you anything you can’t handle. So, am I upset? Hell no.”

  I lean into his chest, and ask, “You’re really not upset?”

  “Baby, no. This is exciting, I love kids. I know having three kids is going to be a huge adjustment. But we got this. We fucking got this!” He picks me up in a big hug and spins me around the kitchen.

  Kay comes into the kitchen and sees her daddy spinning me, and screams that it’s her turn. Ben places me on my feet and gives me a lingering kiss on the lips and then turns to spin his daughter in the air.

  We sit down to eat dinner after Kay smells the food and tells us, very loudly, that her tummy is hungry.

  Later that night, after dinner is cleaned up and put away. Ben and I are lying in bed. He’s absently rubbing my stomach, while his head rests on my breasts.

  “Lyla, you make me so happy. I couldn’t imagine my life without you.” He kisses my belly, leans up to kiss me and we fall asleep wrapped up together.

  I tell myself that it’s going to be okay one more time. If Ben loves me this much, nothing can tear us apart.

  IT’S IMPORTANT TO me to keep up my walking, even though it’s turning colder outside. My walks are my clarity. I’m going to a new park today, an actual park. Nothing that is really secluded, I’m going to one that is more open. That anyone can see what’s going on. Trying to stay on my toes with Bronson. If I run into him, which I more than likely will because it never fails, I’m trying to not have things lead right to sex.

  But, if he wants it, I won’t refuse him. I’m powerless against him. It’s like I’m a puppet and he’s my master.

  I stopped and got a coffee, I should really lay off the caffeine, but it’s like I crave it. I used the drive to the park to let my coffee cool, before I scalded my tongue on it. Grabbing my cup, I step out of my car and lock it up. I shove the keys in my pocket and set off. This park actually has a track so I walk over there and start making laps.

  After a couple laps, I have to pee already because this coffee is just going right through me. I throw my cup away and walk into the bathroom. I’m usually disgusted by park bathrooms, but this one isn’t too bad. I still wouldn’t eat in here, but it’s better than the alternative.

  I wash my hands, and walk back out towards the track. I start walking around the track again. Like clockwork, I hear the familiar rumble of a muscle car in the distance. I don’t even break my stride though, I continue my way around the track. If he wants me, he can come to me.

  He pulls his car in beside mine. I watch as he opens his car door and steps out. I don’t break stride, I keep my eyes on him as he makes his way onto the track and waits for me to get close to him.

  “Hey, beautiful. How are you today?” He looks at me, and the sight of his eyes always makes my heart stutter.

  Turning back to look ahead of me, I tell him, “I’ve been good.”

  “No, ‘how are you, Bronson’?” He smiles slyly. “I’ve been good thanks.”

  I can’t help but laugh. He always is able to break a tense moment between us. “I’m sorry. I’m not in a very chatty mood today.”

  I feel his arm around my neck, then he pulls me into his side. I glance up at his face. He’s wiggling his eyebrows. “I can think of other things to do since you’re not in a talking mood.”

  I shove him away from me and outright laugh. “I don’t think we need to do that today.”

  “On a serious note. Are you ever going to give me your phone number?” He pulls me back into his side again.

  That’s the last thing I need, is for him to have more access to me than he already has. “I’m not sure that’s a great idea. You always find me anyways, it’s like you have a tracker on my car.”

  “I’ll get it out of you eventually.” After that we walk in companionable silence. After a few more laps, I inform him I’m done. We walk back to our cars and he pulls me against his driver door. Pinning me against it with his hips.

  “You know, anyone can see us here. This isn’t as private as other places.”

  Bronson leans his head down and runs his nose down my neck, inhaling. “You always smell so sweet. Like strawberries. The random scent of strawberries has me hard instantly now, whenever I smell them.”

  “That must be awkward.” I try to keep the smile off of my face. But I fail. Epically.

  Leaning his head back down he bites my neck, and has me yelping. “Make fun of me again, pretty girl. You’re the reason I have this problem.”

  “You don’t see me walking around getting turned on by the smell of things.” I pull my arms up from in between us and wrap them around his neck. No longer caring if we garner an audience or not.

  His lips drag up my neck and start kissing me all over my face. Saving my lips for last. “I sure know what turns you on. Have you ever been one for out in the open sex? Yeah, we’ve never been inside an actual place when we’ve done it. But, I want to try out your voyeur side.”

  I want to break out in hives in the prospect of having sex, right here out in the open. “No, I haven’t thought about it. And I’m not sure that we should try it now.”

  This thought makes me squirm, which causes him to grow harder. I can feel the entire length of him against my front. God, I have missed him.

  “What were you thinking?”

  His eyes grow a darker shade of blue, looking like a storm brewing in those deep depths. “I was thinking of just right here against the side of my car.”

  I feel his hips press into me a little harder, and he pulls back and starts thrusting into me. He pulls his hands down and wraps them around my thighs, easily picking me up and holding me against the car with his hips. Positioning his cock right at my core, and all he has to do is flex his hips and I feel the pressure building.

  “I could just slide down your leggings, but leave one leg on. And just move your panties to the side. I could slowly fill you up with my cock. Until you can’t take anymore of me, then I’ll start thrusting. I’ll thrust so hard into you, you’ll scream my name as we rock the car. I won’t be able to hold back, your sexy little moans will make me have to pump into you harder. When we come, we’ll come together, on an explosion. It’ll be the hardest you’ll ever orgasm.”

  Dropping his head, he nips at my bottom lip. “I know you crave it, let me give it you. Let me give you all of me.”

  On a whisper, “Yes, I want all of you. Because you already own all of me.”

  With a feral growl he rips away from and helps me out of my leggings. Then he frees himself, and he lifts me back up.

  Right then and there is when I realize how in love with him I am. How no one could ever make me feel the way he does. And my entire world shatters and builds itself back up right around him. Every time we’ve been together, it was like he was stealing a piece of my heart.

  And I just handed it to him on a silver platter.

  I’M PACING AROUNd the house. My cell phone is in my hand. Opening a blank text to Michelle, I type something about how we need to have lunch. Only to erase it. I need to tell her that I’m pregnant, but I also think I need to tell her about everything else. I need to tell someone.

  What I’m hiding is eating me alive.

  But I also can’t seem to stop it.

  Typing out another text, I hurry up and press send before I can change my mind. Even if I don’t tell her about Bronson, I at least need to tell her I’m pregnant. She won’t be happy with me knowing I’ve hid it for a month already, so I need to get it out there.

  Walking over to the coffee table, I set the phone down. Then proceed to clean the living room and kitchen like a maniac waiting for her to text me back. I feed Kody and change his diaper, all before I get one t
ext back from my best friend.

  When she finally does text me back, she wants to know if she can come over tonight for dinner. It is a Friday evening, she doesn’t need to be back to work tomorrow so she can sleep in our guest room.

  I chew on my bottom lip, thinking about the risks of having her here. Especially if I want to tell her everything that’s going on. Kay is running around the living room, as usual, making it look like the toy store threw up in our house again.

  Tapping out my reply, I tell her it’s okay to come over tonight and to bring a bag. Her instant reply of a smiley face makes me smile. I should probably not tell her unless it becomes a problem.

  I’M JUST PULLING food out of the crock pot when the front door opens. Michelle never rings a doorbell or knocks, she just barges right on in. I guess rooming together in college completely got rid of any boundaries between us.

  “Hey, girl!” I hear her loud mouth coming from the living room, then the slam of the door.

  “I’m in the kitchen!” I yell back. Michelle walks into the kitchen wielding a bottle of wine like amour.

  “I brought reinforcements tonight.” She immediately walks over to the cupboard that holds the wine glasses, and pulls two out.

  Placing my hand on her arm I stop her from opening the wine. “Put one of those back. I won’t be drinking tonight.” I smile slyly. “Or for the next six months.”

  An ear piercing scream rips through the kitchen. My best friend starts jumping up and down and hugs me, forcing me to jump with her. The excitement coming from her makes me excited.

  I’m growing more excited every day at the prospect of having another baby. Yeah, I’m worried with all things considered. But it’s another baby. I feel like I’ve been able to pull myself out of my funk too.

  I need to be able to show Ben that I’m able to handle the house now, because when we add a third child to the mix it definitely won’t get easier.