Playing My Love

by Angela Peach

  There was a silence as we both mulled things over. Darcy continued driving, her eyes on the road. It had been strangely easy to tell her everything, something I'd struggled with in my therapy sessions, skimming over things and being purposely evasive. Darcy's soft voice interrupted my thoughts.

  "Did you blame yourself? For your dad leaving?"

  I sighed.

  "Yes. I did."

  "Do you still?"

  I was quiet while I thought about it.

  "Sometimes. I think I still feel like I was the catalyst for dad meeting Cathy's mum and starting the affair. But I don't blame myself for him leaving mum anymore. That was his decision to make." I'd never been so honest. I'd spent years paying for, and lying to, my therapists. No wonder they'd been so persistent!

  "What about your sister?"

  "What do you mean?"

  "Does she still blame you?"

  "She probably would…if she was still alive. She died of an overdose four years ago. Before that we hadn't spoken properly for nearly thirteen years. We had an awful relationship, and if I'm honest I never really had any kind of feelings toward her by the end."

  "I'm so sorry. That must have been terrible for you."

  "What?"

  "Well, losing her without getting any sort of resolution on anything. Sometimes it's easier to block out our feelings toward someone because the alternative is to feel the pain. While your sister was alive, there was still a chance of reconciliation, to bury old issues, be forgiven for your dad leaving. When she died, it must have taken away all those hopes."

  "Yes" I whispered, my eyes wide. "I was angry at her. Resentful even." It was as if Darcy had climbed gently inside my head, given my brain a comforting hug and said "Hey, you wanna talk about it?' and then climbed right back out with all the information she needed. Information I'd denied or dismissed. She pulled up at a junction and turned to look at me. I must have looked as shell shocked as I felt because her eyebrows twitched into a slight frown of concern. Even in the dim light of the car I saw her eyes soften as they registered my reaction to the conversation. Sensing the mood needed lightening she cleared her throat.

  "So, you and Gray have been together a while then?"

  "Eight years. We met at Uni, but I didn't like him at first. He pursued me for nearly two years and I just kept knocking him back."

  "Really? Why?"

  "Because I thought he was a bit arrogant…and I was sort of seeing someone else. Well, actually he was more of a bootie call" I said smiling.

  "You had a bootie call?"

  "Mm-hm! I didn't want any kind of relationship while I was studying, so I just had this guy I'd hook up with when, you know, the need arose!"

  "Alison! You dark horse! I never would have thought it of you! So what made you cave with Gray then?"

  "Well, after I left Uni, I decided I wanted to be a nurse. I took the training and got placed in a London hospital. He tracked me down through Jazz and wangled a job at the same hospital. He's a surgeon" I added, thinking 'was'. "So, anyway, I found him annoying and arrogant and he just irritated me. I mean, he was loud and popular and funny…the complete opposite of me. I tried to avoid him as much as I could, but one day Jazz just told me to get my shit together because I was being an idiot and even she could tell I was in love with him."

  "Ah, let me guess? You realised he reminded you of your dad?"

  My mouth fell open again in surprise as I stared at her in shock for the second time.

  "How did you…"

  "I'm sorry. Am I overstepping the mark?" she asked anxiously, looking worried.

  "No, not in the slightest. I just want to know how you're doing this? It's like you're reading my mind or something."

  "I'm sorry. It's just things we're taught on the course. But it all makes perfect sense. You blamed yourself for your dad leaving and along came this great guy who reminded you of him. Subconsciously you were in love with him, but you pushed him away to avoid the hurt of letting him into your life, so then he could never leave you, like your dad did."

  Years of expensive therapy went out of the window as a girl I'd known for less than a month worked out my entire head set in about half an hour.

  It was quite possibly one of the most impressive things I'd ever seen!

  "Daneka Hennessey, I don't think I've ever met anyone quite like you. I think I'm actually a little bit in awe of you!" I exclaimed. There was a pause before she replied shyly;

  "Thank you."

  We stopped at a shop in town where I purchased a couple of bottles of wine for the party. When I questioned her as to whether she minded not drinking at a party in her own flat, she merely shrugged and said she didn't need alcohol to have a good time. Although I was surprised, I was also impressed again.

  Still, as we pulled up outside her place, my heart was racing with nerves and my mouth dry. I was tempted to open one of the bottles and swig from it, but decided to retain my dignity in front of Darcy. I strained my ears for the tell-tale bassy thud that usually accompanied student parties, but heard nothing. Darcy noticed I'd fallen quiet and linked her arm through mine as we approached her front door.

  "Don't worry, I won't leave you, City Girl. You'll be fine."

  "If I want to go home at any point, you'll take me?"

  "Of course. No questions asked. Now let's go and have some fun!"

  An hour and a half later, I was surprised to find she'd been right. I was enjoying myself and hadn't even panicked when Darcy had been dragged off to dance with Nicki. I was having a laugh with a couple of guys who were really quite funny and keeping me well entertained, and I found myself relaxing when I realised I was being treated no different to anyone else. When they went off to have a dance, I gracefully bowed out of their offer to join them, and went looking for Darcy instead.

  Someone told me they'd seen her going into her bedroom and pointed the way for me, so I thanked them and headed down. The door was pulled to, but not shut and as I went to knock I heard her speak.

  "Look, just give it to me Baz, and tell me how much I owe you?"

  "Does your new girlfriend know abaht this then? Or is this for her?"

  "No, it is definitely not for her, it's for me. And she's not my girlfriend."

  I held my breath, my hand frozen in mid-air. Darcy, sounding irritated and anxious, was talking to a guy, and my interest suddenly piqued. What the hell was she buying from him that was making her behave like this? I didn't want to believe it was the obvious, so just decided to listen further before jumping to conclusions.

  "Do you know what ah went frew to get this? I should be charging more than fifty quid, innit. Ah mean, ahm robbing mahself here, know what ah mean?" His voice had an affected gangster tone to it. He didn't sound pleasant.

  "Here, take it. And this stays between us, you hear? I could lose everything if this gets out."

  "Chillax! Stop being so dramatic, innit."

  "I'm not being dramatic, Baz. This is completely illegal. I've never…"

  I didn't want to hear any more. I'd heard enough to know she was buying drugs which, after our earlier chat, made me feel totally betrayed by her. I ran blindly to get my bag, then left the party as quickly as I could.

  Darcy? Buying drugs?

  It had to be. Why else would she have snuck into her bedroom to do an 'illegal' deal? I was so upset, I could barely breathe. No, I was more than upset. I was furious! But not with her. Disappointed, yes. I was furious with myself for getting so close to her and opening up, letting her in. As a nurse, I'd seen so many lives wasted by drugs, and had witnessed it first hand with Emma. I knew what I had to do, and the thought of it made me feel sick.

  I had to distance myself from Darcy and cut her out of my life.

  If I'd thought my life couldn't get any worse, here was someone else I cared about that was going to be torn from me. With Darcy I'd experienced some escape from the pain and horror of losing Gray, but I'd really only added to that by giving myself more to lose.

&
nbsp; As I walked the dark streets, I suddenly felt a strong urge to talk to Darcy, wanting to see her warm brown eyes, hear her deny everything. But then I'd probably try and talk myself into believing her. No, I needed Jazz. I took out my phone and dialled her number. She answered on the second ring, despite the late hour.

  "What's up?"

  "Hey, Jazz! I erm, I had a falling out with Darcy. I just needed to talk to a friend I guess."

  "What happened?"

  "We…we had a disagreement."

  "Okay, what did you disagree about?"

  For some reason, angry and upset though I was, it didn't feel right to tell her that I'd sort of caught Darcy buying drugs.

  "Um, just this stupid thing." I heard an exasperated sigh down the phone.

  "Is it something you can resolve?"

  "No, I don't think so. I don't know. It's more that she lied to me about it I think, rather than what she actually did."

  "Okay, Ali-bar, here's my advice. You did phone for my advice, didn't you? It's just that it's very late and I'm in bed already."

  "I'm sorry, I didn't even look at the time" I said, wincing.

  "Hey, it's no problem babe, it's what I'm here for. So just go and talk to her, ask her why she lied and give her a chance to explain. There might be a very good reason for whatever she's done and you might be able to work things out."

  "It's not that simple."

  "Ali, darling, I know you're going through an awful, awful time right now, but just take a moment. You sound like you've been drinking, and from the late hour, I'm going to take a rough guess that this 'disagreement' has just happened. On the off-chance your judgement has been impaired by the alcohol, I'd suggest you go home and get some sleep. Look at things tomorrow with a clear head. If you're as besotted with your toyfriend as Doc says you are, then perhaps she's worth a little compromise, so just give her the benefit of the doubt until you know the full story."

  "I'm…I'm not besotted with her! And stop calling her my toyfriend? I hate that nickname."

  "Oh for crying out loud, Ali, don't be so touchy. Much as I'd like to hear more about your lovers tiff, I'm going to go back to sleep. Call me tomorrow if you're still unsure and want to give me more vague details about what may or may not have happened. I love you."

  "Love you too. Thanks, Jazz."

  I hung up, noticing that I'd received a couple of voicemails while I'd been chatting. They were both from Darcy. The first sounded puzzled and a little breathless.

  "Hey! Where you at, City Girl? Borat said he saw you leave, and since I can't find you anywhere, I'm guessing you did? I'm outside looking for you, so-o call me back? Okay, bye."

  The second one sounded a bit more worried.

  "Alison, are you okay? I can't find you anywhere. Did someone at the party say something to you? Please call me back? Just let me know you're alright?"

  I sighed. She at least deserved peace of mind that I was okay, so I sent her a text.

  DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME. I HAD A HEADACHE & AM IN A TAXI GOING HOME. COULDN'T FIND U 2 SAY GOODBYE, SO JUST STAY & ENJOY THE REST OF THE PARTY. X

  I pulled up a local taxi firm's number on my phone and ordered one for as soon as was humanely possible, hoping the fact I was a lady on my own would have some sway with them. It was freezing and I just wanted to get home and cuddle up to Gray in bed.

  My phone buzzed a further three times before the taxi arrived twenty minutes later, all three times from Darcy. I ignored her, although I felt slightly guilty for not telling her personally I was ditching. She eventually left me a text saying she understood if I wasn't feeling well and that she hoped I would feel better tomorrow.

  Gray was asleep on the sofa when I got home so I gently woke him.

  "Mm, you're back early. Was the party any good?"

  "I wish I'd stayed here with you to be honest darling. Come on, let's go to bed."

  As he sat up, I noticed him wincing in pain. I winced too.

  "Bad night?"

  He nodded.

  "Just couldn't seem to get comfortable tonight. It might ease off by tomorrow."

  I helped him to his feet and we went to the bathroom together. I was glad now that I'd left the party to come home, and berated myself for going out in the first place. Where once I'd thought Darcy could be good for me, I was now starting to think the opposite. She'd distracted me from my number one priority.

  Well, that was all going to change, starting right now. As we got under the covers, I pulled our bodies close and held him tight until his breathing had deepened. Then and only then did I allow myself to think about Darcy again, and analyse how devastated I actually felt by what she'd done.

  It was a long time before I slept.

  7

  Cowboys And Indians

  I spent all of Sunday in a massive funk, and ended up segregating myself to my workshop after lunch to sulk in peace.

  Gray had worked out by now that Darcy and I must have had some sort of a fall out, but he very tactfully left the subject alone (well, after the third time of my snapping that I was fine.)

  So I played around with some charcoal for a couple of hours, enjoying the way it stained my fingers as well as the paper. I found myself drawing lots of various shaped eyes all over a sheet before sitting back and stretching my back.

  Bet my therapist would have a lot to say about that! I wondered to myself, as my attention drifted across the shed to my guitar. Even if I had no intention of continuing with my lessons, it didn't mean I had to stop playing it altogether. I mean, I loved the sound it made when I got a chord right, or played a couple of notes correctly. I stood and wiped my fingers on a piece of rag before walking across and taking it out of the case. I checked the tuning as Darcy had shown me, then started practicing some of the exercises to warm up.

  After nearly half an hour, I was sucking the tips of my fingers in frustration. The skin there was still too soft to play any longer without it hurting, and I had deep angry welts embedded in them. Darcy had told me it would take a good month or so until they hardened properly before showing me the hard callouses on the tips of her otherwise delicate fingers.

  I sighed. I couldn't seem to get her out of my thoughts, and it seemed that every time I checked my phone there was a missed call, or a text asking if I was okay. Although I still wasn't ready to talk to her, I didn't want to be rude and harsh by ignoring her concern. I tapped out a brief message.

  SORRY DARCY. I'M ACTUALLY QUITE BUSY ATM. THINK I'M GOING 2 HAVE 2 CANCEL LESSONS THIS WEEK-I'LL CALL U SOON. X

  After I'd pressed send, I turned my phone off and carried on practicing through the pain until it became unbearable. When I finally looked down, I saw my index and middle fingers had blistered.

  On Monday, Gray and I booked our holiday then went for an impromptu drive, ending up at the Eden Project. We stayed there all day, holding hands like teenagers, and I even managed to convince him to rent out a little room in a local bed and breakfast for the night. I felt myself relaxing occasionally, but then I'd remember he was dying. My defences would go straight back up, and I'd distance my emotions from him again. In the long run, I told myself it would be easier for me. When the time came to let him go, that was.

  I also tried my hardest to keep Darcy out of my thoughts, but it seemed impossible and my mind kept wandering back to her.

  On the Tuesday as we were driving home, Gray turned the music down.

  "So what exactly happened on Saturday night then?"

  "Hmm? Oh we just had a disagreement, that's all."

  "About?"

  "Gray, I'd really rather not talk about it."

  "Well you've done nothing but think about it the last couple of days, so I just wondered if talking about it might help?"

  "No." I answered, short, but definite.

  "Ali, darling, come on. You're obviously very upset about it. What happened?"

  "Why are you suddenly so interested in what happened?" I snapped, stiffening in my seat. He paused.

  "B
ecause one day I'm not going to be around to ask how you are, and I guess I just thought she would be" he replied, as if the answer was obvious. I was floored. My jaw worked silently while I worked out how to reply to that.

  "Okay, first, you know I hate it when you talk like that about not being around, and second, whatever gave you the impression that I would want her to be around after you?" I asked sharply. Even though I was driving, I could feel his eyes watching me.

  "Yes, I know you hate it, but we have to talk about it at some point…"

  "Not right now, no."

  "Yes! We do! And I was just thinking it was nice that you had someone in this area you could relate to and talk to."

  "Well maybe once I got to know her better, I found she wasn't who I thought she was."

  "Tell me what happened?"

  "She was taking drugs, Gray, okay? I heard her buying them from a lad at the party."

  "Did you explain to her why you were so upset or did you just leave? Because if I know you, you probably just left without letting her know why…"

  "For god's sake, Gray! She knew about Emma. Please just drop it?" I was shaking where I was so upset, so I gripped the steering wheel hard.

  "I think you should talk to her again."

  I turned the stereo on and ignored him. For the rest of the journey home.

  I sought refuge in my workshop as soon as we arrived back, tinkering on my guitar after I'd angrily popped the blisters to let the fluid out. How dare he try to make those sort of decisions for me? Didn't he understand? I wouldn't have a life when he was gone, and nothing he said, did or tried to plan was going to change that. I was going to be empty and alone. I was furious with him, and although I sort of realised how irrational this was, I couldn't seem to help myself.

  After a few hours, there was a gentle knock.

  "What?" I growled, not turning around. I heard the door open and shut.

  "Hi."

  I spun around in surprise. It was Darcy, dressed in a large knitted red jumper and dark blue jeans. Her eyes looked tired, which I assumed was probably because of partying all weekend long. She looked very uncomfortable.