Playing My Love

by Angela Peach

  "Check the box" she whispered. With shaking hands, I fumbled for the box, checking the information again.

  "Oh my god. Sam, you're pregnant!"

  "We're pregnant? Oh fuck! We're pregnant? AAAAAAGGHH!" she screamed excitedly, throwing her arms around my neck and sending us both tumbling into the bath tub. We lay there tangled up and laughing, checking the stick every now and again and screaming again!

  "I love you wife!"

  "I love you wife!"

  ALISON

  I started sipping my second glass of wine and checked my phone again. Still no messages, still no missed calls. Frustrated I threw it on the table and sighed, trying not to get annoyed at my best friend until I knew why she was so late.

  Jazz had called me last night in an extremely excited state, and practically demanded that we met up tonight because she had something important she needed to discuss with me. I'd got here a little early in anticipation, but she was now almost twenty minutes late.

  I'd sold the cottage four months ago and moved back to London, desperate to get back to work and be near Jazz again. I'd even made a couple of friends, to my surprise, and met up with them after work occasionally for drinks.

  Last year had been so harsh I'd almost lost myself in the bottle, spending a good five months under the influence of whiskey, or vodka, or whatever came to hand. What had finally slapped me round the face was when I'd gone on facebook and unblocked Darcy out of morbid curiosity. I just wanted to check she was okay, I told myself. But the picture that stared happily out at me told me she was better than okay. She was married.

  And living in Canada?

  I'd slammed the laptop shut so hard, the screen had cracked. I didn't care. I called Jazz in an angry tearful state, and begged her to let me stay with them for a week or two to sort myself out, and it had been during this time she'd convinced me to move back to London.

  When I'd sobered up, I spent a lot of time analysing the entire situation, coming to the following conclusions.

  I could have contacted Darcy after Gray's death, but I hadn't. I hadn't because I'd been scared of what she'd say. Seeing her with Sam had killed me, because she'd looked so happy. I wondered if I could have guaranteed her that same happiness, and decided no. But even before I saw her with Sam in the park, I hadn't called her, or tried fighting for her. I decided the reasoning behind this was because I was scared. Our relationship had been so intense, it could have burned like a fireball then just fizzled out. Of course, it might not have, but I wasn't sure it was worth the risk on both our hearts. I knew we couldn't have stayed friends, so I just let her go.

  Just let her go. Like it had been as easy as that. Living with that decision had eaten me up for months, and had it not been for Jazz being there for me day and night, I probably would have hit the bottle again. She told me I needed to get out there and date again, but I didn't want to. For a start I just couldn't be with another man, not after Gray. Secondly, although I still found certain women attractive, I just wasn't attracted to them and this led me to the sobering realisation that what had happened with Darcy had been a one off, I wasn't gay and that I was probably destined to be alone forever.

  I was draining my glass and signalling to the barmaid for another one when I heard Jazz's voice behind me.

  "Darling, I am so sorry! There was an accident on the way here and the traffic was simply diabolical."

  I turned in my chair and she threw her arms around my neck. As she did, I caught sight of an extremely attractive woman stood behind her. She smiled at me and for a second I was so stunned, I could only stare back.

  "I hope you don't mind, but I've brought a friend along. Ali, this is Lottie. We play squash together."

  I gave the woman my full attention. She had funky, styled hair that was bleached kind of a silvery grey, and really stunning green eyes that were watching me carefully. I found my eyes quickly glancing down at her body, liking what I saw. Really liking it.

  "Nice to meet you, Lottie" I said, finally managing a smile although inside I was completely flummoxed. My heart was pounding against my ribcage and my stomach felt like I'd stepped into a lift or something. Lottie's smile widened as she leaned forward to kiss my cheek, but I saw she looked a little puzzled as she drew back, holding eye contact with me for longer than necessary. Warmth spread through my face. When I finally managed to drag my gaze off her, I saw Jazz frowning at something on her phone.

  "Is everything okay?" I asked, and she shook her head.

  "No, I've just missed a call from the office. I'd better see what they want. Get a bottle of wine, I'll be back in two minutes" she said apologetically, hurrying away. I couldn't help the nervous excitement that suddenly rushed through me at being alone with Lottie, but tried to curb it. There was no point in letting myself get carried away just because for the first time since Darcy, I was feeling attracted to someone. She was probably straight for a start.

  Hadn't I been straight up until two years ago?

  No, I had to stop thinking like that. I shouldn't be getting my hopes up, not with my track record. With a deep breath in, I composed myself and turned to Lottie, just in time to catch her frowning at Jazz as she hurried outside.

  "So, red, white or rose?" I asked cheerfully. She looked at me and smiled again, an easy, genuine smile that made my chest constrict.

  "White?"

  I ordered a bottle of white and we found a quiet table against the back wall, sitting next to each other and putting Jazz's glass opposite us. It felt quite intimate, especially when our thighs touched lightly.

  "So, what do you do for a living, Alison?" she asked, taking a sip of wine. I was immediately floored by her use of my full name, as no one had called me that since Darcy.

  "I'm a nurse up at St Peters Hospital. How about you?" I finally managed, not bothering to correct her.

  Jazz is going to have a field day with that!

  Lottie looked coy.

  "Please don't run off…I'm an accountant, but I'm not your stereotypical sort of accountant! I've been told I'm actually quite interesting, and have even been known to have fun from time to time!" she said, putting her hand on my arm.

  "Well, you don't look like a stereotypical accountant" I confirmed, pulse racing at the touch. "Rock star, maybe."

  She laughed at my remark.

  "Well, I have always wanted to learn how to play the guitar, so maybe I should get some lessons?"

  "Really? I could give you some lessons? If you were serious, that is?" I blurted out, then blushed and took a swig from my glass. If she declined, I was going to crawl under the table with the rest of the wine and hide until Jazz returned. Lottie stared at me for a long moment, her lips playing with a smile.

  "Yeah, okay, I'd like that. How much do you charge?"

  "Oh, er, I don't know. I haven't given any lessons before, if I'm perfectly honest with you. And I've only been playing myself for a couple of years so I suppose I'm still at a fairly basic level. I wouldn't feel right charging you" I admitted, suddenly feeling stupid for offering.

  "How about you give me a couple of lessons, and we see how they go? I can take you out for a drink as payment instead?" she said, biting her bottom lip. My pulse quickened again.

  "Okay, that sounds like a good deal" even if it does remind me slightly of the deal Darcy and I had.

  "Listen, I hate to do this to you both" Jazz was suddenly at the table, looking flustered and taking us both by surprise. "I've got to ditch. One of my clients has broken bail and I need to go down to the station to get him out of trouble. He's a complete arsehole, and I wouldn't normally do this, but he's absolutely loaded and a very good client of ours. Do you mind?"

  "No, of course not" I said, trying to hide my disappointment, knowing Lottie would probably want to go too. I glanced at her, and she looked back at me uncertainly.

  "Well, we could always stay? We've just got this wine and it'd be a shame for it to go to waste? Unless you have somewhere else…"

  "No, I'd
like to stay…with you."

  Jazz looked between us both, checking we were really okay with her running out, then quickly bent down to give us a hug and a kiss before breezing out. There was a strange awkward silence in her wake, and we drank from our glasses while trying to decide what to say.

  "How long have you known Jazz for? I've never heard her mention you before" I said, cringing before adding, "Oh, I didn't mean…"

  "It's okay, I'd be surprised if she had. We're both members of the same squash club and I've only ever really known her in passing before, but last week my partner couldn't make it and Jazz's was ill, so we hooked up together. But if I'm perfectly honest she's been, how can I put this…extremely persistent!"

  I smiled. Jazz could be persistent once she knew she wanted something.

  "How about you? She mentioned you've been through a bit of a rough time lately?"

  "I've known Jazz since we were at school together. My husband died just over a year ago and I think if it hadn't been for Jazz and Chris I probably would have just fallen apart."

  Why did I just say that?

  Lottie sucked in a sharp breath.

  "Oh, I am so sorry. Jazz never said."

  "It's okay, I'm a lot better now."

  We both swigged from our wine, and I noticed she looked puzzled again as she frowned at the table. I cleared my throat and touched her hand, surprising her.

  "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

  "Mm? No, you didn't. I just…" her eyes flickered down to our hands, and she turned hers over so that our palms brushed together and she gave mine a gentle squeeze. I literally stopped breathing. "Let's start again, shall we?"

  Our eyes met, and for a second I thought she'd seen the hunger in mine, so I looked at my wine instead.

  "Yes, okay."

  She released my hand and seemed to relax, smiling that amazing beautiful smile at me, and after that the conversation flowed easily. I found out (to my pleasure) that she was single, had been for a few years, and that she loved her job saying she got a thrill from working with numbers. She lived on her own, had a pet cat, and wanted to go travelling for a year, but wanted to find the right person to go travelling with. As the wine slid down, so did my inhibitions and I inadvertently found myself flirting a little with her. The odd remark here and there, holding eye contact longer than normal, touching her arm lightly when making a point…all of which was totally out of character for me! And if I wasn't mistaken, I was sure she was flirting back with me too.

  As our evening approached an end, she sat forward looking slightly wary.

  "I've got to ask you something, because I'm a little bit confused. Jazz…she's got a boyfriend, right?"

  "Yes, Chris."

  "And she's not, you know, bi-sexual?"

  "Jazz? No, not in the slightest, why?"

  "Well, you know how I said she was persistent? She sort of got like that after she found out that I'm gay. All of a sudden she wanted my phone number, and then yesterday she insisted I come out for a drink with her tonight. I…I actually thought I was coming out on a date with her, if I'm perfectly honest" she admitted sheepishly. My heart went from doing a happy dance that she was gay, to plunging like lead through my stomach.

  Jazz had tried to set me up with someone, and how typical that I should actually really like this girl only to find out she'd come out for a date with Jazz. No wonder she'd looked so puzzled! She was wondering why she got lumbered with me!

  Embarrassed and upset, I drained my glass and picked up my bag.

  "I'm really sorry Lottie, I didn't notice the time. I've got work in the morning, so I should really make a move." I stood up quickly, wobbling with the wine. "It was lovely meeting you."

  Her mouth dropped open in surprise, especially when I just turned and left without waiting for her to answer, practically running from the bar and cursing Jazz as I went. My head was more than a little fuzzy from the alcohol, but I was capable of remembering how much she'd relaxed when she'd thought I was straight.

  Out on the street I searched for a taxi while typing out an angry text to Jazz about the etiquette in setting two people up, realising even as I did how irrational I was being. I was just getting into a taxi I'd flagged down when I heard Lottie call out my name behind me. I asked the driver to wait for a second, then turned around to face her. She looked upset.

  "I'm sorry, I know it was rude to just run out, but…"

  "Whoa, stop a second" she interrupted firmly. "Look, I know I've been single for a long time, but I'm pretty sure things haven't changed much since I last dated. I thought…no, I know I was getting the right signals from you in there, right? I mean, you were flirting with me, weren't you? Because if you weren't, I'm making an absolute idiot of myself right now" she said softly and uncertainly.

  "Yes, I was. But you said you'd come out for Jazz" I said and she smiled, relieved.

  "If you hadn't run out on me I would have been able to finish what I was going to say, which was that when we walked in and I saw you, I sort of regretted that I was out with Jazz! Then when she left us together, I thought that she'd set us up…and I was really happy. But then everything got all confused. You said you'd been married to a man, so I thought I'd got it wrong and it really was just an innocent drink…until you started flirting with me." She held my gaze with her intense green eyes and took a couple of steps closer, placing a hand on my hip. "Alison, were you flirting with me because you're interested in me?"

  I nodded, unable to speak because I wasn't sure my lungs held enough air to form anything coherent. Lottie looked relieved again.

  "Good, cos I've been wanting to do this all night" she whispered, pulling our bodies together and softly pressing her warm lips to mine.

  22

  Alternate Ending 2

  DARCY

  It was a good four hours before I returned back home. I spent a good deal of that in the coffee shop, trying to find answers in the erratic chaos provided by caffeine, but there were no more answers in the bottom of a mug than in the bottom of a bottle.

  I found Sam in the bedroom.

  Packing?

  "I can't do this Darcy. I can't always be wondering if you're going to leave me for her. I know you're still in love with her, I saw it all over your face! You couldn't even hide it!" she sobbed as she threw clothes into her case. I sat down on the bed and put my head in my hands.

  "I know. I'm sorry." I took a deep breath as tears started rolling down my cheeks. "You're right, I do still have feelings for her. I'm just…I'm so sorry."

  I watched as her face crumpled, closely followed by her body as she collapsed in a heap on the floor.

  "Noooo!" she wailed, obviously not expecting me to have admitted it so easily. It cut straight to my heart.

  "I'm so sorry" I repeated, not knowing what else to say.

  The next few hours were some of the worst of my life. If I'd thought my heart had broken when Sam ended it with me two years ago, well that was nothing compared to how it felt breaking hers. She begged me, pleaded with me to give things between us another chance, to go back to the States with her and see how things went. But I knew how things would go if I did that. I'd gone over every scenario in my head. No matter where I was, if I wasn't with Alison, I would always be thinking about her. My feelings for her weren't ever going to go away! That night we'd shared under the stars had sealed it for me, and if I went with Sam I'd only be lying to both of us about where my heart truly was.

  We talked and cried until we were both exhausted, getting into bed together for the last time and holding onto each other until sleep claimed us.

  Even though I knew I was doing the right thing, I still felt completely devastated. This morning we'd had our future together planned out, we'd been happy and in love. Now, despite her giving up everything for me, I was unable to do the same for her and I hated myself for it.

  After I'd driven Sam to the airport I went home and cried solidly for a couple of days, hating that I'd destroy
ed her life. Then I decided I needed to see Alison, to try and patch things up with her and see if she still thought we could have a chance. I actually felt a bit foolish for ending things with Sam without checking Alison would want me, but I knew it would have been unfair to pretend with her any longer. No, I'd definitely done the right thing.

  So, five days after I'd seen her in the park, I drove to Alison's cottage with my heart in my throat. As I pulled in her drive, I noticed straight away that her jeep was missing, but I got out and tried knocking anyway, just in case. There was no answer. I tried calling her mobile, but it told me her number was no longer recognised and I sighed, heading back to my car to look for some paper. On it I wrote,

  Alison,

  PLEASE, call me as soon as you can? I need to talk to you urgently.

  Love Daneka x

  Then I pushed it through her letterbox. I'd signed off with Daneka hoping it would jog her into calling, but I didn't want to tell her I'd ended things with Sam in a letter. That was something I wanted to say when we were face to face, so that she could see I meant it when I told her I was in love with her.

  Feeling extremely depressed, I drove home to wait for her to call.

  But she didn't. Not that night, nor the next and I began to get anxious. After two weeks, I went back to her cottage very late one night, determined to catch her in. But as I peered through the French windows in the lounge, an icy feeling crept through my veins.

  It was empty. Empty as in no furniture, no belongings, and (almost definitely) no Alison. All of a sudden I realised what she'd done and I cried out against the window pane in despair, feeling my soul shatter. She'd blocked me on facebook, changed her phone number, and moved out. She'd removed herself from my life. Totally, utterly and completely.

  I crouched on the ground in the dark, clutching my chest where a black hole had suddenly appeared, sucking everything surrounding it in.

  I stayed there for a very long time.