Lucy in the Sky

by AnonYMous

  But it’s true. I feel like I won’t have anything to look forward to. The excitement about drinking cosmos with Lauren, or smoking out with Ross, or doing lines with Blake is over now. What am I supposed to do for fun? Go to movies with Mark?

  I’m afraid.

  Afraid this can’t last.

  November 11

  Ross and Lauren didn’t show up today. I texted Ross, but I didn’t hear back from him. Of course, he’s not really tied to his phone so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Still, I can’t shake the feeling that it’s weird. I feel like I’m being petty and stupid, but I have this feeling in my gut that they were hanging out together all day.

  ARGH. I feel like a psycho.

  Ross can hang out with whoever he wants. It’s not my business. I just don’t want to be around Lauren anymore.

  Tonight I’m helping make the shopping list for Thanksgiving. It’s less than 2 weeks away. I can’t wait. I love the holidays. We have my dad’s whole family over for Thanksgiving, and then a bunch of Dad’s college students who don’t go home because the break is so short. It always feels so great to have a full house and lots of food and a big fire in the fireplace. Dad always borrows folding tables from the college and we set them up in the living room.

  I’m kind of relieved that I don’t have to go out with everybody tonight. I just want to go home and put on my sweats and watch TV. Maybe Mom will order pizza.

  Later …

  When I was on my way home from school with Cam, Mark texted me.

  Cam asked who it was, and when I told him it was Mark, he didn’t say anything for a minute. As we pulled into the driveway, he said he knew that I thought Mark was a dork, but that he was actually a really nice guy.

  I just can’t. I don’t have the energy. I don’t need a date.

  I need a nap.

  November 15

  I was singing in choir today, and I heard Lauren’s voice over the melody, and I got SO ANGRY that I wanted to march up the stairs in the choir room and SMACK HER.

  After school yesterday we were both at our lockers at the same time. I’ve been waiting at the end of the hall until she finishes getting her books, then going to my locker so we don’t have to stand there in silence while she fidgets and keeps looking at me to see if I’m still upset with her.

  Like I’m ever NOT going to be upset with her.

  Hello??? What planet is she on? I’m just going to MAGICALLY be okay with all of this one day?

  Anyway, yesterday I just didn’t give a crap and she was taking forever, texting somebody in front of her open locker instead of getting her shit and getting out of there. So, I just walked up and opened my locker and got my stuff, and closed it, and as I was walking away, I heard her say my name, and then she yelled my name, and it was like this bizarre moment where everybody sort of froze, and our little section of the hall got momentarily quiet.

  I turned around and looked at her, and I could tell. I just knew: She was doing coke. Her eyes had that wide, wild stare in them, and her nose was a little red. And right as I turned around, she made a quick little sniff.

  The screwed up thing is that this look passed between us where she saw that I knew.

  And she gritted her teeth and blinked hard and then said, Are you just never going to look at me again?

  I stood there, then I shook my head slowly, then turned and walked around the corner.

  The worst thing about this is that I’d never really had a BEST friend before. Lauren was the first person I’d ever been close to like that, and as much as I know that I can’t be friends with her anymore, I also MISS having a friend that close. I miss being able to laugh with her about stuff. I miss that excited feeling I got when we were mixing cosmos and how “bad” it felt and how we were partners in crime. I was also WORRIED about her. I couldn’t believe that she had done a line at SCHOOL.

  I mean, that’s INSANE. If she gets caught, she’d be expelled and be in HUGE trouble.

  I miss Lauren. But not this Lauren. I miss the Lauren I met that first night at Blake’s.

  I wonder if she exists anymore?

  November 17

  It’s so weird how things change so fast. Those first couple months of school, I just assumed that we’d be one big gang the whole year. We were all together all the time. I let myself imagine how we’d all give each other Christmas presents and go to parties together, and winter formal. Hell, I let myself imagine going to prom with all of them.

  Ross still sits by me in our classes, but I feel like there’s this thing between us that’s holding us back from being the way we used to be. It makes me SO UPSET because he was MY friend first, and now I feel like Lauren is coming between us. I mean, he doesn’t really hang out with her at school or at lunch either, but he’s not totally present with us on the days he joins us for lunch.

  I talked to Astrid about it. She isn’t really hanging out with Ross or Lauren anymore either. She and Cam go out every Saturday night, like clockwork. This week Cam wants me to come and bring Mark.

  He’s been following me around again.

  November 20

  So, Mark came with us to the movies last night. It was me and Cam and Astrid and Mark.

  AND IT WAS SO BORING.

  Ugh.

  Cam kept smiling at me like SEE? ISN’T THIS FUN? And I tried. I reeeeeally did try. But I just can’t. Mark was sweet and he even held my hand during the movie. He smells good, and he has really big arms. They stretch out the band on the sleeve of his T-shirt. He’s cute.

  There’s nothing wrong with him.

  There’s something wrong with me.

  I just kept thinking how much more fun the whole thing would’ve been if I was stoned. Or had a drink.

  Now I wish I’d never EVER even taken a tiny toke off of the pipe Ross handed me. I wish I’d never laid eyes on Lauren or taken a martini glass full of ice-cold cosmos from her. I wish I’d never swallowed that hit of E or snorted that first line of cocaine.

  I wish I’d never done ANY of it.

  And it’s not because it made me feel so bad.

  It’s because it made me feel SO GOOD.

  And now …

  I can NEVER not KNOW how good it feels. Now I’m trapped knowing how great it is, and not being able to do any of it.

  Later …

  Cam just came in and saw that I was writing. He thought I was doing homework. Lately I usually am because there’s nothing else to do. It’s not like I’m going to go hang out with Ross and get high, or go party with Lauren. My grades have been WAY better on quizzes and stuff, which is good. Cam wants to go to yoga. There’s a class at 4 p.m. on Sundays that Marty teaches.

  I think I’ll go.

  It’s not a party, but something inside me feels like it’s a good idea. I can’t shake the feeling that maybe if I’d kept going to yoga, I wouldn’t have started drinking and doing drugs. Or maybe that’s crazy. Whatever.

  At least it’ll be something to do that isn’t homework.

  Later …

  Yoga was good.

  I feel more peaceful on the inside, more content, maybe. Mom and Dad wanted to know if Cam and I wanted to join them for a game of Scrabble.

  SCRABBLE. Like a board game. Yes, an actual BOARD is involved. Not on an iPad, not on a laptop, like little pieces of wood, on little pieces of cardboard.

  I said yes.

  And usually I HATE playing word games with my dad because he’s like super-duper reader guy and knows all the vocab stuff that I have to study my ass off for.

  But I think I said yes because I’d been to yoga. I felt calm. And I dunno. It seemed like a nice idea to hang out with our family.

  Just us.

  OH! And at yoga, I was looking at the schedule and I noticed that Ian’s name isn’t on the schedule for the next month ANYWHERE.

  I asked Marty if Ian was taking a break, and she said that nobody had heard from him. He’d stopped coming to class, and when they called him, he said he wasn’t going to teach an
ymore.

  I started to text Ross to see what was going on, but Ross hasn’t really been returning my texts. Or hanging out with us at school that much. I have this nagging suspicion that he’s hanging out with Ian and probably Lauren. If that’s the case, I know what they’re doing. I don’t have to ask.

  As much as I don’t want to admit it, I feel completely left out.

  November 21

  I just finished my last chemistry quiz before THANKSGIVING! I’m SO GLAD it’s a short week this week. Lauren is in New York with her mom for the holiday. She texted me before she flew out early this morning to say that she hoped I’d have a good holiday and that she was “thankful” for me.

  Whatever.

  Ross asked me if we could go to lunch today. I said yes. He seemed like he wanted to talk about something. I almost asked him about Ian, but I decided not to. He can tell me if he wants.

  Later …

  Cam saw me leaving for lunch with Ross and gave me the eagle eye from down the hall. GOD. I HATE THAT. I’ve been the perfect student for the past couple of weeks, and he acts like I’m about to run around the corner and snort a line every time he looks the other way.

  Ross and I had fun at lunch. He didn’t mention Lauren. We talked about Thanksgiving, and what he usually does. This year he can’t be at his grandma’s in Florida with all of his cousins, so he’s just going to the hotel where his mom works. I told him he’d said that he was going to do that with Ian.

  He got really quiet when I mentioned Ian’s name. This faraway look came into his eyes.

  I hope he’s okay.

  (Ross. Not Ian. I mean, I hope Ian’s okay too, but I care less about Ian than I care about Ross.)

  November 24

  THANKSGIVING!

  Today was so great. Mom made us banana bread and pumpkin bread to eat while we watched the parades. Then we helped Dad move all the furniture and set up the tables in the living room. I couldn’t believe that we fit everyone in there! We had 35 people eating at tables in the living room. Dad was up at 5 a.m. smoking a turkey on the grill, and Mom had one going in the oven. They had a contest to see whose would turn out the prettiest. Dad’s won. Mom’s tasted really great, but something about smoking it on the grill made the skin on Dad’s all crispy and bronze colored, and it tasted DELICIOUS.

  We all sat down to eat around 3 p.m., and I can’t believe the amount of food I was able to fit inside my body. I ate like I’m going to be shot the next morning.

  Okay. I have to make a confession: I DID have a drink of wine. But not a lot! Just a glass! It was a mug, actually, so Mom and Dad couldn’t see. I saw Cam had swigged a little bit out of Mom’s glass when he went to refill it this afternoon, and so when everybody was having coffee with their pumpkin pie, I just poured some of the leftover wine out of one of the bottles into a mug, and everyone thought I was drinking coffee.

  It was so fun! I got a little warm buzz, and I felt all cozy and perfect. I mean, all of the grown-ups were drinking wine, and I’m 16. It’s not like I’m a kid anymore.

  Anyway. We just got back from a movie, and Dad pulled out all of the leftovers, and Mom started talking about putting up the Christmas decorations next weekend and pulled out a tin of fudge she made last night. Mom’s homemade fudge is always the symbolic kickoff of Christmas. She never puts it out for dessert on Thanksgiving. She always waits until everyone leaves and it’s just our family.

  Cam and I are watching TV. He’s texting Astrid like every 37 seconds. She’s in Phoenix with her family visiting her mom’s family. We are also GORGING ourselves on Mom’s fudge. I think I may slip into a diabetic coma.

  I AM SO HAPPY. These are the moments when I think that WOW: Maybe I do have the BEST family EVER.

  It’s true: I really do have a lot to be thankful for.

  December 3

  I had a HUGE FIGHT with Mom today. She wanted me to come with them to pick out the Christmas tree. I told her I didn’t want to go, and she made it like this federal case. It was like I’d told her that I’d decided to become a stripper.

  ARGH.

  Then Cam came to my room and tried to talk me into it, all puppy dog eyes. I was like, LOOK! I have cramps. I just spent ALL DAY on a SATURDAY writing a paper for English. I want to have a Diet Coke and a painkiller and sit and watch TV on the couch. I don’t wanna go stand in the cold while Mom makes us look at every single damn tree on the lot and then ends up buying the display tree anyway. Which TAKES LONGER because they have to retie the whole thing up.

  It’s not personal. I just don’t want to go.

  And then Cam started acting all high and mighty and talking about how I had been doing so much better, but he wonders sometimes if I’ve really changed, or if I’m just acting like it so that he’ll get off my back.

  I HATE IT when he acts like that—I mean, HE’S the one who gave me my first beer, and I’ve smoked pot with him like a billion times now. I couldn’t hold my tongue and told him that the quickest way to make me want to take a big bong rip was to stay on my case like this.

  Now he’s mad at me too.

  CRAP.

  I guess I should just go and get it over with.

  WHY IS THIS STUFF SUCH A BIG DEAL???

  Later …

  That was the most monumental waste of time ever.

  One and a half HOURS.

  Bought the display.

  But it smells nice. And I dunno … there’s something about Christmas that just makes you happy no matter what’s going on inside of you. Like cocaine. Only it lasts for like a month instead of 12 minutes.

  HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

  Omg. Lauren would think that was so funny.

  ughughughguhguhgugh UGH

  THESE are the moments when I really MISS her.

  December 7

  They should just CANCEL school between Thanksgiving and Christmas. The teachers are either COMPLETELY stressed out because they’ve got to do all of this stuff besides teach, or they’re like CRAZY Christmas spirit FREAKS in sweaters with sparkles and jingle bells on their shoes. Our U.S. history teacher has worn a Santa Hat EVERY. FREAKING. DAY. since we got back from Thanksgiving.

  I love Christmas as much as the next person, but really?

  Lauren has missed two days of class every week since Thanksgiving. Astrid said she hasn’t heard from her at all. I think the only one she’s talking to anymore is Ross, but Ross isn’t saying anything to me about it.

  Today at lunch he asked me if I was ever going to forgive Lauren.

  I asked him if Lauren wanted to be forgiven.

  He just shrugged and looked off like he always does.

  Mom told me to invite him over for dinner next week. Cam got his boxers in a bunch about that. I told him to chill out.

  December 16

  I got an A on my English paper!!!

  Maybe it was the good grade, or maybe it’s the fact that Mom has the house DONE to DEATH, or maybe it’s the lights outlining the roof of the house that Dad risked his life to hang. Whatever it is, I’m officially in the Christmas spirit. I’ve been CHRISTMAS SHOPPING!

  EEEEEEK!

  I LOVE GIVING PRESENTS!

  I had exactly $147 dollars that I could spend. I got Cam a new yoga mat because his is totally gross from being sweat on all the time. I also got him one of these little terry-cloth towels cut the same size as a yoga mat to CATCH the sweat so that he doesn’t have to keep rearranging his towel on the mat when we’re in class.

  Mom is always the hardest person to buy for because I’m never sure what she really wants, but we were shopping the other day at the new mall at the end of the Promenade, and she tried on this really cute pair of shoes that were marked down like a bazillion times to $49. They were orange satin heels with a little open toe and they looked SO CUTE on her foot—like something out of a ’50s TV show. She kept looking at her feet in the mirror and talking about how fun they were. But THEN she put them BACK and went on and on about how they weren’t practical and she would r
ather spend the money on Christmas presents blah blah blah.

  SO I WENT BACK AND GOT THEM!

  I was really worried that they wouldn’t be there, but they were. SCORE.

  Dad is easy. I think Cam and I are going to go in on a couple of records that he really wants. (Yes. Vinyl records. The kind you play on a rotating disc with a needle. Sigh.) We’re also going to get him a new warm-up suit because his is looking a little worse for wear.

  Ross is on his way over for dinner, and Astrid will be here too. I’m really glad that they’re coming.

  Later …

  Tonight was really great. Well, not at the beginning. It started out weird because Ross made some reference to Lauren and homecoming and Cam got all bristled up and didn’t talk a lot. But then Ross was telling us about Thanksgiving at the hotel where his mom works, and how the chef had come out to their table to say hello and wish them a happy holiday, and this old lady at the next table pushed her chair out into a waiter who had a bottle of wine, and the bottle hit the floor right at the chef’s feet and exploded, drenching the chef in pinot noir.

  Ross is hilarious when he tells stories, and by the time he was done, Cam was gasping for breath and my dad was laughing so hard he was crying.

  It felt just like old times.

  Well, I guess, it felt like this summer.

  Funny how “old times” is only about 4 months ago.

  It seems like it was a lot longer ago than that.

  December 24

  I love Christmas Eve.

  I am sitting in the living room staring at the lights on the 9-foot Douglas fir. Dad just walked into the living room and gave me a kiss on the cheek. He turned up the lamp and said I’d go blind if I kept writing in the dark.