by Regan Ure
"I can't," she said, shaking her head. "I'm not ready."
I smiled encouragingly. "That's okay."
I hated seeing her like this. It made me angry that the actions of one person had reduced her to this. She had fought hard to get through the horror of her childhood, only for everything she'd gained to be taken by the kidnapping.
"You ready to come out of your room?" I asked, hoping I could at least get her up and about in the apartment. Connor and Matthew were worried about her. The truth was we all were. Sin was calling Connor regularly to get updates on her because she refused to take his calls or answer his messages.
"Maybe later," she sidestepped.
"Okay," I said, not wanting to push her too much. "Move over."
She gave me a questioning look but followed my instruction. I took my shoes off and lay down beside her in the bed.
"I miss you. And if you don't want to come out of your room I'm going to stay with you for a little while."
Her hand reached for mine and squeezed. My fingers wrapped around hers and I held her hand in mine.
It was hard to be around her and not think about the things in my childhood that had happened to me and the effect it had on my life. I swallowed hard, trying to fight the usual feelings that accompanied the memories.
"Every time I close my eyes I can see his face," she whispered hoarsely. I squeezed her hand tighter.
"It will get better," I told her. My childhood still affected me to this day but I had to give her hope that things would get better. She had survived the horror of her childhood, maybe she was stronger than I was.
"Have you spoken to Sin?" I asked, trying to change the subject to something a little lighter.
"No," she said with a heavy sigh. "He keeps calling and sending me messages."
She shifted onto her back and stared up to the ceiling like I was.
"He really cares about you."
"I know." She paused for a moment. I still didn't know why they weren't together. He cared for her and she cared for him. "How's things with you and Slater?"
"We are nothing." I hoped she was going to drop the subject.
"I thought he would regret his decision."
He hadn't. I could still feel that sinking feeling in my stomach when he had rejected me. I knew why; it was me. I had issues he couldn't or didn't want to deal with.
I didn't want to think back to the moment when my childhood memories had resurfaced to ruin anything I had hoped would unfold between us. Usually I could block it out but this time something he had said had set it off and there had been nothing I could have done to stop it.
He kissed me and I felt my stomach flip when his tongue slid against mine. My nails dug into his broad shoulders as he continued to kiss me like I was water and he was dying of thirst.
When his mouth broke from mine, I was left gasping. He looked at me with his smoldering eyes and I pulled him down to me for another kiss before his lips began their exploration of my semi-naked body.
The sight of his inked skin next to mine was such a turn-on. His tongue trailed a path down my neck. I shivered with anticipation as my hands raked through his hair.
The warmth of his breath and the touch of his tongue against my sensitive skin made me lift to his touch as he moved to my bra.
He hesitated when his hands reached for the clasp, his eyes asking me for permission to remove the clothing. I sat up and undid the clasp as he slipped the straps off my shoulders. So slowly and so erotic. He dropped a kiss to my shoulder as the clothing dropped away.
I had been naked before with guys, but this was different. The way his eyes trailed over me set me alight.
"Touch me," I said.
His hand held my breast as his mouth found mine again. He lay me back down. A moment later I felt the warmth of his mouth on my breast. The ache between my legs grew. I needed him.
"Please," I said softly, needing him to touch me.
But he didn't hurry. His mouth moved down my abdomen. My hands fisted the sheets as his lips reached the top of my panties.
"Are you sure?" he breathed. I lifted my head slightly and our eyes met.
"Yes."
If he didn't, I felt like I was going to combust. He eased my panties off and I lifted my hips to help him remove them.
"What do you need?" he asked softly, his fingers on the inside of my thighs.
"I need you…" I couldn't finish it.
"Tell me," he said, his voice more insistent.
"I need you to touch me."
His fingers brushed me and I felt the tingle vibrate through me. His finger slid in and I gasped, my hands holding on to the sheet tightly. It was like a feeling of falling and I was trying to hold on.
"You're so tight…baby."
I tensed, trying to stop the fear that washed over me, but nothing I did could stop it. No warning, just an immediate physical effect.
"Jordan?" Slater said when he felt the change in me.
I gritted my teeth, trying to fight my way through the memories that refused to let me go. Then Slater shifted and I lay still.
"What's wrong?" he asked, frowning as he brushed my cheek.
"Don't," I said, pulling away from him. I moved to the far side of the bed and pulled my knees up to my chin, trying to push back the familiar feelings of disgust that made my stomach turn.
"Please don't touch me."
I closed my eyes briefly as I relieved the memory. It was hard to remember it and not feel the rejection that had followed.
We lay there for a while before I left her. When I exited her room, Matthew looked up from the sofa.
"How's she?" he asked.
I shrugged. "I'm not sure."
I didn't know if she was getting any better. I dropped down into the space beside him on the sofa.
"She will get through this," he said. I hoped so.
* * *
It turned out he was right. One week later it had taken a hard push by Connor to get her to leave her room and go to school, but it had worked. Two weeks later she and Sin were back together. Everything seemed right in the world again.
While my friend had picked up the pieces of her life to try and carry on, I tried to forget about Slater by keeping busy with college.
I was sitting in the cafeteria, getting something to eat between classes. Slater monopolized my thoughts as I ate. I wanted to forget about him. I couldn't help but see him in the eyes of the strangers who passed me in the hallways. It was like he was everywhere and it was impossible to ignore him. I hadn't seen or spoken to him since the conversation we'd had at the hospital but that did nothing to fade him from my mind.
I rubbed my forehead, trying to ease the heaviness of my thoughts. The fact that my best friend was going out with Slater's best friend meant it was only a matter of time before we would have to face each other again.
Wishing I could run away and never look back was only a childish notion that I couldn't entertain no matter how badly I wanted to. The adult way to handle this would be to carry on each day, hoping time would weaken the connection we had made.
It wasn't like I'd never been with a guy before, it's just that I didn't allow an emotional connection. The ghosts from my past always reappeared to keep me from moving forward. I usually dispensed with guys before things got too serious. But this thing I'd shared with Slater had been more intense.
I closed my eyes briefly when I remembered my semi-emotional meltdown with Slater.
"Hey, beautiful," someone said, pulling me out of my heavy thoughts. I looked up to see Steven. I hid my inner turmoil with a carefree smile.
"You haven't called me back," he said, and I tried to come up with a valid reason, other than the fact that I couldn't get a certain tattooed guy off my mind.
We had gone out on a date before Taylor had been taken. The date had gone okay and we had gotten along. But even deep down I had to admit Slater had occupied my thoughts through most of it.
"I'm sorry," I said. "Things have
been a bit hectic." It was the understatement of the year.
"You don't need to make excuses. I'm man enough to take a brush-off," he replied with a dismissive shrug.
I shook my head. "No, that wasn't my intention at all."
Taylor's situation had taken over and nothing else had mattered. He held my gaze as he considered what I said.
"So you want to go out again sometime?" he asked. I had enjoyed our date even though he didn't make me feel the way Slater did. It was what I wanted—not to feel. He was attractive, with dark brown hair and caramel-colored eyes that sparkled with mischief. He wasn't intense and complicated.
"Yes."
What did you do when you fell off the proverbial horse and hurt yourself? You didn't cower away in fear; no, you got right back on the horse and that was what I was doing. If Taylor could face her fears, then I could do this.
I knew my way around guys. Except for Slater, a voice in my mind reminded me. I ignored it. I allowed guys close in a physical sense but not on an emotional level. Slater had been the first one to make me feel the way I did, and I hated the weakness.
The sooner I moved on the better.
He leaned closer and I gave him a flirty smile, knowing exactly how to play the game. I knew my best features and how to show them off to get what I wanted.
"You free on Friday?" he asked casually.
"Yes."
He gave me a brilliant smile as he straightened up. He was tall, so I had to look up to keep our eye contact. He was fit and lean. It was attractive. Physically he would be compatible, and that was what mattered.
"That's great," he said. "I'll pick you up at eight."
"Sure." His smile was infectious.
I had a rule of three dates before I slept with a guy. Slater had been the only guy I had come close to breaking that rule with. Two more dates with Steven and we could take things to the next level.
I hoped it would be enough to wipe Slater from my mind. But like all my previous interludes with the opposite sex, it would never be anything more than a physical connection.
"I will see you at eight," he said, and I nodded.
My eyes followed him as he left. I had a plan to get over the bad boy who had hurt me. It made me feel stronger and in control.
It only took the sound of my ringtone and a quick look at the screen to release the control I had gained. I stared at the screen and debated whether to answer it or not. She would keep calling until I did.
On the fourth ring I answered it reluctantly.
"Hi, Mom."
"Hi, darling," she said.
There was a moment of silence as my past washed over me, leaving my lungs tight and unable to breathe as I gripped the table.
"You haven't called. Did you forget you have a mother?"
One breath in and another breath out.
"Sorry, Mom," I managed to get out. My voice came out calmer than the turmoil unleashed inside of me. "I've been busy with college and stuff."
It was weak but I didn't feel comfortable telling my mom about Taylor and what happened to her. Most moms made their children feel safe and loved, but mine reminded me of a childhood I was still trying to outrun. I couldn't help how I felt. It wasn't like my mom had been a bad mother, she'd been kind and loving, but she reminded me of a past I was still trying to forget.
"I've missed you," she said, pulling hard at my heartstrings. It was like a physical pain in my chest.
"I miss you too." I softened my voice.
"When are you going to come home for a visit?" I could feel the guilt creep up in me.
It wasn't that I didn't want to see her, I did, but going home was difficult. As soon as I walked into my house it took me back to a time I didn't want to relive. I rubbed my forehead, trying to collect my thoughts.
Concentrate on now, I told myself so I didn't slip back into the nightmare of my past.
"As soon as I get a chance." It was vague.
"So how's it going?" she asked.
I wanted to keep the conversation short but I couldn't give her the brush-off. I began to tell her about my coursework and the workload.
For the brief few minutes of talking about college, the dark feelings inside me receded and I could talk without having to concentrate on my breathing.
"Any cute guys?" was her next question.
"Yeah," I replied, not wanting to go too in depth on this subject.
"Any special ones?" she asked, like only mothers would.
"Not really."
I wouldn't reveal there was only one guy on my mind. A guy who'd spun my world out of control and I was trying to fight my way back, holding on so I wouldn't get swept away. I closed my eyes briefly and an image of Slater appeared in my mind with those come-to-bed blue eyes. I shook my head to rid myself of the image.
"There's no rush," she assured me. "You have plenty of time to meet the right one."
I loved my mom but she lived in a fairytale, despite Father treating her like a doormat before he finally ran off with some girl young enough to be his daughter when I had been a young child. Even through all of that heartbreak and betrayal, she still believed in happily-ever-after.
I didn't. I had learned the lesson that people couldn't be trusted and that there would be no 'one' for me. I wanted to concentrate on my career and be successful. That's what mattered to me.
"I'm sure I'll find him one day," I mumbled, not wanting to hurt her.
"You never know. You may have already met him."
Chapter Four
When Friday night arrived, I was busy getting ready in my room. Sin and Taylor were cuddled up on the couch, watching a movie. It was nice to see them together all loved up and happy. If anyone deserved to be happy it was them.
Seeing Sin was another reminder of Slater. I had tried unsuccessfully at keeping him out of my thoughts. But I was determined. I was going to find the 'right' outfit and I was going to go out and have a nice date with Steven. There was no room for Slater.
I still had no idea where we were going for our date so I decided to wear a pair of black skinny jeans with black shoes that weren't too high. After a few minutes of going through my tops, I decided on a red one that dipped low at the back and would show off my back.
I didn't go overboard with my makeup. I put a little mascara on, just enough to highlight my long thick eyelashes that framed my eyes, which I'd been told on more than one occasion were my best feature.
There was a knock at the door but I wasn't finished getting ready yet. A quick glance at my phone told me Steven was punctual; I was the one running late.
I walked out of my room in time to see Sin open the door. Sin was intimidating but Steven didn't seem too fazed when his eyes met mine over Sin's shoulder. He smiled appreciatively at me.
"Sorry, I'm running late," I told him as Sin reluctantly stepped to the side to allow my date inside.
"No problem. I can wait," he assured me as he walked into the living room and took an open seat.
Sin gave me a strange look before he sat back down beside Taylor.
Needing to hurry up because I was worried Sin would say something, I quickly smeared some lipstick on and I put on some simple earrings my mother had bought me for my last birthday.
Conversation flowed in the living room. I could hear Taylor talking but it was the sound of Sin's voice that made me hurry. I took just enough time to give myself one sweep of my reflection in the mirror before I left my room.
The conversation stopped as Steven rose to his feet when he saw me.
"The wait was worth it," he told me. His eyes swept over me. I smiled, but out of the corner of my eye I saw the way Sin studied him.
He was Slater's best friend but I had no idea how much they shared when it came to girls and stuff like that. Did he know what had happened between the two of us? Would he tell Slater about the guy I was currently dating? Would Slater care? Probably not.
My stomach twisted for a moment but I refused to allow it to affect me. Slater had
made his choice and he had to live with it. And I had to move on.
"Let's go," I said, wanting to get Steven away from Sin's glare.
My date said goodbye to Taylor and Sin. Sin only gave him a slight inclination of his head beside Taylor, who gave him a friendly smile.
"Have fun!" she said.
"I will," I said before I left the apartment, closing the door behind me.
Steven and I walked to the elevator side by side.
"I don't think Sin likes me much," he said.
I had hoped it wouldn't be that obvious but if Steven was going to stay in my life, even if things didn't get too serious, he would need to know about Slater and Sin. It would just make things easier to understand.
I bit my lip as the elevator door opened and we stepped inside.
"I kind of had a brief fling with his best friend." There—it was out. Steven studied me for a moment, his hands shoved into the pocket of his jeans.
"And?" he asked, prompting me for more.
I shrugged as I leaned against the wall.
"Nothing. It finished really before it even began."
"Okay." It seemed to explain Sin's behavior.
When the door opened on the bottom floor, he took my hand in his. I allowed him to lead me to his car. It was expensive, and the smell of leather hit me when he opened the door and I slid inside.
The last time he had taken me out he had taken me to an expensive restaurant. The food had been great. I was curious to see where we were headed tonight.
"So what have you got planned for tonight?" I asked as he got into the driver's seat.
"It's a surprise. Something a little different."
I didn't like surprises but I didn't question him again. He wasn't as formally dressed as the last time we'd gone out so we were probably not going somewhere fancy.
On our first date I had learned his family was well off. It wasn't that he bragged about it but it was hard to miss with the expensive car and clothes. After college he would be going into the family business, which was property development and other things.
