Delphi Complete Works of Richard Brinsley Sheridan

by Richard Brinsley Sheridan

  ACRES O, Sir Lucius! I have had ancestors too! — every man of ’em colonel or captain in the militia! — Odds balls and barrels! say no more — I’m braced for it. The thunder of your words has soured the milk of human kindness in my breast; — Zounds! as the man in the play says, I could do such deeds!

  Sir LUCIUS Come, come, there must be no passion at all in the case — these things should always be done civilly.

  ACRES I must be in a passion, Sir Lucius — I must be in a rage. — Dear Sir Lucius, let me be in a rage, if you love me. Come, here’s pen and paper. — [Sits down to write.] I would the ink were red! — Indite, I say, indite! — How shall I begin? Odds bullets and blades! I’ll write a good bold hand, however.

  Sir LUCIUS

  Pray compose yourself.

  ACRES Come — now, shall I begin with an oath? Do, Sir Lucius, let me begin with a damme.

  Sir LUCIUS Pho! pho! do the thing decently, and like a Christian. Begin now — Sir ——

  ACRES

  That’s too civil by half.

  Sir LUCIUS To prevent the confusion that might arise ——

  ACRES

  Well ——

  Sir LUCIUS From our both addressing the same lady ——

  ACRES

  Ay, there’s the reason — same lady — well ——

  Sir LUCIUS I shall expect the honour of your company ——

  ACRES

  Zounds! I’m not asking him to dinner.

  Sir LUCIUS

  Pray be easy.

  ACRES

  Well, then, honour of your company ——

  Sir LUCIUS To settle our pretensions ——

  ACRES

  Well.

  Sir LUCIUS

  Let me see, ay, King’s-Mead-Fields will do — in King’s-Mead-Fields.

  ACRES So, that’s done — Well, I’ll fold it up presently; my own crest — a hand and dagger shall be the seal.

  Sir LUCIUS You see now this little explanation will put a stop at once to all confusion or misunderstanding that might arise between you.

  ACRES

  Ay, we fight to prevent any misunderstanding.

  Sir LUCIUS Now, I’ll leave you to fix your own time. — Take my advice, and you’ll decide it this evening if you can; then let the worst come of it, ‘twill be off your mind to-morrow.

  ACRES

  Very true.

  Sir LUCIUS So I shall see nothing of you, unless it be by letter, till the evening. — I would do myself the honour to carry your message; but, to tell you a secret, I believe I shall have just such another affair on my own hands. There is a gay captain here, who put a jest on me lately, at the expense of my country, and I only want to fall in with the gentleman, to call him out.

  ACRES By my valour, I should like to see you fight first! Odds life! I should like to see you kill him if it was only to get a little lesson.

  Sir LUCIUS I shall be very proud of instructing you. — Well for the present — but remember now, when you meet your antagonist, do every thing in a mild and agreeable manner. — Let your courage be as keen, but at the same time as polished, as your sword.

  [Exeunt severally.]

  ACT IV

  Scene I

  ACRES’ Lodgings. [ACRES and DAVID.]

  DAVID

  Then, by the mass, sir! I would do no such thing — ne’er a Sir Lucius

  O’Trigger in the kingdom should make me fight, when I wasn’t so minded.

  Oons! what will the old lady say, when she hears o’t?

  ACRES Ah! David, if you had heard Sir Lucius! — Odds sparks and flames! he would have roused your valour.

  DAVID Not he, indeed. I hate such bloodthirsty cormorants. Look’ee, master, if you wanted a bout at boxing, quarter staff, or short-staff, I should never be the man to bid you cry off: but for your curst sharps and snaps, I never knew any good come of ’em.

  ACRES

  But my honour, David, my honour! I must be very careful of my honour.

  DAVID Ay, by the mass! and I would be very careful of it; and I think in return my honour couldn’t do less than to be very careful of me.

  ACRES

  Odds blades! David, no gentleman will ever risk the loss of his honour!

  DAVID I say then, it would be but civil in honour never to risk the loss of a gentleman. — Look’ee, master, this honour seems to me to be a marvellous false friend: ay, truly, a very courtier-like servant. — Put the case, I was a gentleman (which, thank God, no one can say of me;) well — my honour makes me quarrel with another gentleman of my acquaintance. — So — we fight. (Pleasant enough that!) Boh! — I kill him — (the more’s my luck!) now, pray who gets the profit of it? — Why, my honour. But put the case that he kills me! — by the mass! I go to the worms, and my honour whips over to my enemy.

  ACRES No, David — in that case! — odds crowns and laurels! your honour follows you to the grave.

  DAVID

  Now, that’s just the place where I could make a shift to do without it.

  ACRES

  Zounds! David, you are a coward! — It doesn’t become my valour to listen

  to you. — What, shall I disgrace my ancestors? — Think of that,

  David — think what it would be to disgrace my ancestors!

  DAVID Under favour, the surest way of not disgracing them, is to keep as long as you can out of their company. Look’ee now, master, to go to them in such haste — with an ounce of lead in your brains — I should think might as well be let alone. Our ancestors are very good kind of folks; but they are the last people I should choose to have a visiting acquaintance with.

  ACRES But, David, now, you don’t think there is such very, very, very great danger, hey? — Odds life! people often fight without any mischief done!

  DAVID By the mass, I think ’tis ten to one against you! — Oons! here to meet some lion-headed fellow, I warrant, with his damned double-barrelled swords, and cut-and-thrust pistols! — Lord bless us! it makes me tremble to think o’t — Those be such desperate bloody-minded weapons! Well, I never could abide ’em! — from a child I never could fancy ’em! — I suppose there an’t been so merciless a beast in the world as your loaded pistol!

  ACRES

  Zounds! I won’t be afraid! — Odds fire and fury! you shan’t make me

  afraid. — Here is the challenge, and I have sent for my dear friend Jack

  Absolute to carry it for me.

  DAVID Ay, i’ the name of mischief, let him be the messenger. — For my part I wouldn’t lend a hand to it for the best horse in your stable. By the mass! it don’t look like another letter! It is, as I may say, a designing and malicious-looking letter; and I warrant smells of gunpowder like a soldier’s pouch! — Oons! I wouldn’t swear it mayn’t go off!

  ACRES

  Out, you poltroon! you ha’n’t the valour of a grasshopper.

  DAVID Well, I say no more— ‘twill be sad news, to be sure, at Clod-Hall! but I ha’ done. — How Phillis will howl when she hears of it! — Ay, poor bitch, she little thinks what shooting her master’s going after! And I warrant old Crop, who has carried your honour, field and road, these ten years, will curse the hour he was born. [Whimpering.]

  ACRES It won’t do, David — I am determined to fight — so get along you coward, while I’m in the mind.

  [Enter SERVANT.]

  SERVANT

  Captain Absolute, sir.

  ACRES

  Oh! show him up.

  [Exit SERVANT.]

  DAVID

  Well, Heaven send we be all alive this time to-morrow.

  ACRES

  What’s that? — Don’t provoke me, David!

  DAVID

  Good-bye, master. [Whimpering.]

  ACRES

  Get along, you cowardly, dastardly, croaking raven!

  [Exit DAVID.]

  [Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]

  ABSOLUTE

  What’s the matter, Bob?

  ACRES A vile, sheep-hearted blockhead! If I hadn
’t the valour of St. George and the dragon to boot ——

  ABSOLUTE

  But what did you want with me, Bob?

  ACRES

  Oh! — There —— [Gives him the challenge.]

  ABSOLUTE [Aside.] To Ensign Beverley. — So, what’s going on now? — [Aloud.] Well, what’s this?

  ACRES

  A challenge!

  ABSOLUTE

  Indeed! Why, you won’t fight him; will you, Bob?

  ACRES Egad, but I will, Jack. Sir Lucius has wrought me to it. He has left me full of rage — and I’ll fight this evening, that so much good passion mayn’t be wasted.

  ABSOLUTE

  But what have I to do with this?

  ACRES Why, as I think you know something of this fellow, I want you to find him out for me, and give him this mortal defiance.

  ABSOLUTE

  Well, give it to me, and trust me he gets it.

  ACRES Thank you, my dear friend, my dear Jack; but it is giving you a great deal of trouble.

  ABSOLUTE

  Not in the least — I beg you won’t mention it. — No trouble in the world,

  I assure you.

  ACRES You are very kind. — What it is to have a friend! — You couldn’t be my second, could you, Jack?

  ABSOLUTE

  Why no, Bob — not in this affair — it would not be quite so proper.

  ACRES Well, then, I must get my friend Sir Lucius. I shall have your good wishes, however, Jack?

  ABSOLUTE

  Whenever he meets you, believe me.

  [Re-enter SERVANT.]

  SERVANT

  Sir Anthony Absolute is below, inquiring for the captain.

  ABSOLUTE

  I’ll come instantly. ——

  [Exit SERVANT.]

  Well, my little hero, success attend you. [Going.]

  ACRES

  —— Stay — stay, Jack. — If Beverley should ask you what kind of a man

  your friend Acres is, do tell him I am a devil of a fellow — will you,

  Jack?

  ABSOLUTE

  To be sure I shall. I’ll say you are a determined dog — hey, Bob!

  ACRES Ah, do, do — and if that frightens him, egad, perhaps he mayn’t come. So tell him I generally kill a man a week; will you, Jack?

  ABSOLUTE

  I will, I will; I’ll say you are called in the country Fighting Bob.

  ACRES Right — right— ’tis all to prevent mischief; for I don’t want to take his life if I clear my honour.

  ABSOLUTE

  No! — that’s very kind of you.

  ACRES

  Why, you don’t wish me to kill him — do you, Jack?

  ABSOLUTE

  No, upon my soul, I do not. But a devil of a fellow, hey? [Going.]

  ACRES True, true — but stay — stay, Jack — you may add, that you never saw me in such a rage before — a most devouring rage!

  ABSOLUTE

  I will, I will.

  ACRES

  Remember, Jack — a determined dog!

  ABSOLUTE

  Ay, ay, Fighting Bob!

  [Exeunt severally.]

  Scene II

  Mrs. MALAPROP’s Lodgings. [Mrs. MALAPROP and LYDIA.]

  Mrs. MALAPROP Why, thou perverse one! — tell me what you can object to him? Isn’t he a handsome man? — tell me that. A genteel man? a pretty figure of a man?

  LYDIA

  [Aside.] She little thinks whom she is praising! — [Aloud.] So is

  Beverley, ma’am.

  Mrs. MALAPROP No caparisons, miss, if you please. Caparisons don’t become a young woman. No! Captain Absolute is indeed a fine gentleman!

  LYDIA

  [Aside.] Ay, the Captain Absolute you have seen.

  Mrs. MALAPROP Then he’s so well bred; — so full of alacrity, and adulation! — and has so much to say for himself: — in such good language, too! His physiognomy so grammatical! Then his presence is so noble! I protest, when I saw him, I thought of what Hamlet says in the play:— “Hesperian curls — the front of Job himself! — An eye, like March, to threaten at command! — A station, like Harry Mercury, new — —” Something about kissing — on a hill — however, the similitude struck me directly.

  LYDIA [Aside.] How enraged she’ll be presently, when she discovers her mistake!

  [Enter SERVANT.]

  SERVANT

  Sir Anthony and Captain Absolute are below, ma’am.

  Mrs. MALAPROP

  Show them up here. ——

  [Exit SERVANT.]

  Now, Lydia, I insist on your behaving as becomes a young woman. Show your good breeding, at least, though you have forgot your duty.

  LYDIA Madam, I have told you my resolution! — I shall not only give him no encouragement, but I won’t even speak to, or look at him. [Flings herself into a chair, with her face from the door.]

  [Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]

  Sir ANTHONY Here we are, Mrs. Malaprop; come to mitigate the frowns of unrelenting beauty, — and difficulty enough I had to bring this fellow. — I don’t know what’s the matter; but if I had not held him by force, he’d have given me the slip.

  Mrs. MALAPROP You have infinite trouble, Sir Anthony, in the affair. I am ashamed for the cause! — [Aside to LYDIA.] Lydia, Lydia, rise, I beseech you! — pay your respects!

  Sir ANTHONY I hope, madam, that Miss Languish has reflected on the worth of this gentleman, and the regard due to her aunt’s choice, and my alliance. — [Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] Now, Jack, speak to her.

  ABSOLUTE [Aside.] What the devil shall I do! — [Aside to Sir ANTHONY.] You see, sir, she won’t even look at me whilst you are here. I knew she wouldn’t! I told you so. Let me entreat you, sir, to leave us together! [Seems to expostulate with his father.]

  LYDIA [Aside.] I wonder I ha’n’t heard my aunt exclaim yet! sure she can’t have looked at him! — perhaps the regimentals are alike, and she is something blind.

  Sir ANTHONY

  I say, sir, I won’t stir a foot yet!

  Mrs. MALAPROP I am sorry to say, Sir Anthony, that my affluence over my niece is very small. — [Aside to LYDIA.] Turn round, Lydia: I blush for you!

  Sir ANTHONY May I not flatter myself, that Miss Languish will assign what cause of dislike she can have to my son! — [Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] Why don’t you begin, Jack? — Speak, you puppy — speak!

  Mrs. MALAPROP It is impossible, Sir Anthony, she can have any. She will not say she has. — [Aside to LYDIA.] Answer, hussy! why don’t you answer?

  Sir ANTHONY Then, madam, I trust that a childish and hasty predilection will be no bar to Jack’s happiness. — [Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] Zounds! sirrah! why don’t you speak?

  LYDIA [Aside.] I think my lover seems as little inclined to conversation as myself. — How strangely blind my aunt must be!

  ABSOLUTE Hem! hem! madam — hem! — [Attempts to speak, then returns to Sir ANTHONY.] Faith! sir, I am so confounded! — and — so — so — confused! — I told you I should be so, sir — I knew it. — The — the — tremor of my passion entirely takes away my presence of mind.

  Sir ANTHONY But it don’t take away your voice, fool, does it? — Go up, and speak to her directly!

  [CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE makes signs to Mrs. MALAPROP to leave them together.]

  Mrs. MALAPROP Sir Anthony, shall we leave them together? — [Aside to LYDIA.] Ah! you stubborn little vixen!

  Sir ANTHONY Not yet, ma’am, not yet! — [Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] What the devil are you at? unlock your jaws, sirrah, or ——

  ABSOLUTE [Aside.] Now Heaven send she may be too sullen to look round! — I must disguise my voice. — [Draws near LYDIA, and speaks in a low hoarse tone.] Will not Miss Languish lend an ear to the mild accents of true love? Will not ——

  Sir ANTHONY What the devil ails the fellow? why don’t you speak out? — not stand croaking like a frog in a quinsy!

  ABSOLUTE

  The — the — excess of my awe, and my —
my — my modesty, quite choke me!

  Sir ANTHONY Ah! your modesty again! — I’ll tell you what, Jack; if you don’t speak out directly, and glibly too, I shall be in such a rage! — Mrs. Malaprop, I wish the lady would favour us with something more than a side-front.

  [Mrs. MALAPROP seems to chide LYDIA.]

  ABSOLUTE [Aside.] So all will out, I see! — [Goes up to LYDIA, speaks softly.] Be not surprised, my Lydia, suppress all surprise at present.

  LYDIA

  [Aside.] Heavens! ’tis Beverley’s voice! Sure he can’t have imposed on

  Sir Anthony too! — [Looks round by degrees, then starts up.] Is this

  possible! — my Beverley! — how can this be? — my Beverley?

  ABSOLUTE

  [Aside.] Ah! ’tis all over.

  Sir ANTHONY Beverley! — the devil — Beverley! — What can the girl mean? — this is my son, Jack Absolute.

  Mrs. MALAPROP For shame, hussy! for shame! your head runs so on that fellow, that you have him always in your eyes! — beg Captain Absolute’s pardon directly.

  LYDIA

  I see no Captain Absolute, but my loved Beverley!

  Sir ANTHONY

  Zounds! the girl’s mad! — her brain’s turned by reading.

  Mrs. MALAPROP O’ my conscience, I believe so! — What do you mean by Beverley, hussy? — You saw Captain Absolute before to-day; there he is — your husband that shall be.

  LYDIA

  With all my soul, ma’am — when I refuse my Beverley ——

  Sir ANTHONY Oh! she’s as mad as Bedlam! — or has this fellow been playing us a rogue’s trick! — Come here, sirrah, who the devil are you?

  ABSOLUTE Faith, sir, I am not quite clear myself; but I’ll endeavour to recollect.

  Sir ANTHONY Are you my son or not? — answer for your mother, you dog, if you won’t for me.

  Mrs. MALAPROP

  Ay, sir, who are you? O mercy! I begin to suspect! ——

  ABSOLUTE [Aside.] Ye powers of impudence, befriend me! — [Aloud.] Sir Anthony, most assuredly I am your wife’s son: and that I sincerely believe myself to be yours also, I hope my duty has always shown. — Mrs. Malaprop, I am your most respectful admirer, and shall be proud to add affectionate nephew. — I need not tell my Lydia, that she sees her faithful Beverley, who, knowing the singular generosity of her temper, assumed that name and station, which has proved a test of the most disinterested love, which he now hopes to enjoy in a more elevated character.