Delphi Complete Works of Richard Brinsley Sheridan

by Richard Brinsley Sheridan

  SIR PETER TEAZLE Mr. King

  SIR OLIVER SURFACE Mr. Yates

  YOUNG SURFACE Mr. Palmer

  CHARLES (his Brother) Mr. Smith

  CRABTREE Mr. Parsons

  SIR BENJAMIN BACKBITE Mr. Dodd

  ROWLEY Mr. Aikin

  SPUNGE

  MOSES

  SNAKE

  CARELESS — and other companions to CHARLES

  LADY TEAZLE

  MARIA

  LADY SNEERWELL

  MRS. CANDOUR

  MISS VERJUICE

  PROLOGUE WRITTEN BY MR. GARRICK

  A school for Scandal! tell me, I beseech you,

  Needs there a school this modish art to teach you?

  No need of lessons now, the knowing think;

  We might as well be taught to eat and drink.

  Caused by a dearth of scandal, should the vapours

  Distress our fair ones — let them read the papers;

  Their powerful mixtures such disorders hit;

  Crave what you will — there’s quantum sufficit.

  “Lord!” cries my Lady Wormwood (who loves tattle,

  And puts much salt and pepper in her prattle),

  Just risen at noon, all night at cards when threshing

  Strong tea and scandal— “Bless me, how refreshing!

  Give me the papers, Lisp — how bold and free! [Sips.]

  LAST NIGHT LORD L. [Sips] WAS CAUGHT WITH LADY D.

  For aching heads what charming sal volatile! [Sips.]

  IF MRS. B. WILL STILL CONTINUE FLIRTING,

  WE HOPE SHE’LL draw, OR WE’LL undraw THE CURTAIN.

  Fine satire, poz — in public all abuse it,

  But, by ourselves [Sips], our praise we can’t refuse it.

  Now, Lisp, read you — there, at that dash and star:”

  “Yes, ma’am — A CERTAIN LORD HAD BEST BEWARE,

  WHO LIVES NOT TWENTY MILES FROM GROSVENOR SQUARE;

  FOR, SHOULD HE LADY W. FIND WILLING,

  WORMWOOD IS BITTER” — — “Oh! that’s me! the villain!

  Throw it behind the fire, and never more

  Let that vile paper come within my door.”

  Thus at our friends we laugh, who feel the dart;

  To reach our feelings, we ourselves must smart.

  Is our young bard so young, to think that he

  Can stop the full spring-tide of calumny?

  Knows he the world so little, and its trade?

  Alas! the devil’s sooner raised than laid.

  So strong, so swift, the monster there’s no gagging:

  Cut Scandal’s head off, still the tongue is wagging.

  Proud of your smiles once lavishly bestow’d,

  Again our young Don Quixote takes the road;

  To show his gratitude he draws his pen,

  And seeks his hydra, Scandal, in his den.

  For your applause all perils he would through —

  He’ll fight — that’s write — a cavalliero true,

  Till every drop of blood — that’s ink — is spilt for you.

  ACT I

  SCENE I.

  LADY SNEERWELL’S House

  LADY SNEERWELL at her dressing table with LAPPET; MISS VERJUICE drinking chocolate

  LADY SNEERWELL. The Paragraphs you say were all inserted:

  VERJUICE. They were Madam — and as I copied them myself in a feigned Hand there can be no suspicion whence they came.

  LADY SNEERWELL. Did you circulate the Report of Lady Brittle’s Intrigue with Captain Boastall?

  VERJUICE. Madam by this Time Lady Brittle is the Talk of half the Town — and I doubt not in a week the Men will toast her as a Demirep.

  LADY SNEERWELL. What have you done as to the insinuation as to a certain Baronet’s Lady and a certain Cook.

  VERJUICE. That is in as fine a Train as your Ladyship could wish. I told the story yesterday to my own maid with directions to communicate it directly to my Hairdresser. He I am informed has a Brother who courts a Milliners’ Prentice in Pallmall whose mistress has a first cousin whose sister is Feme [Femme] de Chambre to Mrs. Clackit — so that in the common course of Things it must reach Mrs. Clackit’s Ears within four-and-twenty hours and then you know the Business is as good as done.

  LADY SNEERWELL. Why truly Mrs. Clackit has a very pretty Talent — a great deal of industry — yet — yes — been tolerably successful in her way — To my knowledge she has been the cause of breaking off six matches[,] of three sons being disinherited and four Daughters being turned out of Doors. Of three several Elopements, as many close confinements — nine separate maintenances and two Divorces. — nay I have more than once traced her causing a Tete-a-Tete in the Town and Country Magazine — when the Parties perhaps had never seen each other’s Faces before in the course of their Lives.

  VERJUICE. She certainly has Talents.

  LADY SNEERWELL. But her manner is gross.

  VERJUICE. ’Tis very true. She generally designs well[,] has a free tongue and a bold invention — but her colouring is too dark and her outline often extravagant — She wants that delicacy of Tint — and mellowness of sneer — which distinguish your Ladyship’s Scandal.

  LADY SNEERWELL. Ah you are Partial Verjuice.

  VERJUICE. Not in the least — everybody allows that Lady Sneerwell can do more with a word or a Look than many can with the most laboured Detail even when they happen to have a little truth on their side to support it.

  LADY SNEERWELL. Yes my dear Verjuice. I am no Hypocrite to deny the satisfaction I reap from the Success of my Efforts. Wounded myself, in the early part of my Life by the envenomed Tongue of Slander I confess I have since known no Pleasure equal to the reducing others to the Level of my own injured Reputation.

  VERJUICE. Nothing can be more natural — But my dear Lady Sneerwell There is one affair in which you have lately employed me, wherein, I confess I am at a Loss to guess your motives.

  LADY SNEERWELL. I conceive you mean with respect to my neighbour, Sir Peter Teazle, and his Family — Lappet. — And has my conduct in this matter really appeared to you so mysterious?

  [Exit MAID.]

  VERJUICE. Entirely so.

  LADY SNEERWELL. [VERJUICE.?] An old Batchelor as Sir Peter was[,] having taken a young wife from out of the Country — as Lady Teazle is — are certainly fair subjects for a little mischievous raillery — but here are two young men — to whom Sir Peter has acted as a kind of Guardian since their Father’s death, the eldest possessing the most amiable Character and universally well spoken of[,] the youngest the most dissipated and extravagant young Fellow in the Kingdom, without Friends or caracter — the former one an avowed admirer of yours and apparently your Favourite[,] the latter attached to Maria Sir Peter’s ward — and confessedly beloved by her. Now on the face of these circumstances it is utterly unaccountable to me why you a young Widow with no great jointure — should not close with the passion of a man of such character and expectations as Mr. Surface — and more so why you should be so uncommonly earnest to destroy the mutual Attachment subsisting between his Brother Charles and Maria.

  LADY SNEERWELL. Then at once to unravel this mistery — I must inform you that Love has no share whatever in the intercourse between Mr. Surface and me.

  VERJUICE. No!

  LADY SNEERWELL. His real attachment is to Maria or her Fortune — but finding in his Brother a favoured Rival, He has been obliged to mask his Pretensions — and profit by my Assistance.

  VERJUICE. Yet still I am more puzzled why you should interest yourself in his success.

  LADY SNEERWELL. Heavens! how dull you are! cannot you surmise the weakness which I hitherto, thro’ shame have concealed even from you — must I confess that Charles — that Libertine, that extravagant, that Bankrupt in Fortune and Reputation — that He it is for whom I am thus anxious and malicious and to gain whom I would sacrifice — everything ——

  VERJUICE. Now indeed — your conduct appears consistent and I no longer wonder at y
our enmity to Maria, but how came you and Surface so confidential?

  LADY SNEERWELL. For our mutual interest — but I have found out him a long time since[,] altho’ He has contrived to deceive everybody beside — I know him to be artful selfish and malicious — while with Sir Peter, and indeed with all his acquaintance, He passes for a youthful Miracle of Prudence — good sense and Benevolence.

  VERJUICE. Yes yes — I know Sir Peter vows He has not his equal in England; and, above all, He praises him as a MAN OF SENTIMENT.

  LADY SNEERWELL. True and with the assistance of his sentiments and hypocrisy he has brought Sir Peter entirely in his interests with respect to Maria and is now I believe attempting to flatter Lady Teazle into the same good opinion towards him — while poor Charles has no Friend in the House — though I fear he has a powerful one in Maria’s Heart, against whom we must direct our schemes.

  SERVANT. Mr. Surface.

  LADY SNEERWELL. Shew him up. He generally calls about this Time. I don’t wonder at People’s giving him to me for a Lover.

  Enter SURFACE

  SURFACE. My dear Lady Sneerwell, how do you do to-day — your most obedient.

  LADY SNEERWELL. Miss Verjuice has just been arraigning me on our mutual attachment now; but I have informed her of our real views and the Purposes for which our Geniuses at present co-operate. You know how useful she has been to us — and believe me the confidence is not ill-placed.

  SURFACE. Madam, it is impossible for me to suspect that a Lady of Miss Verjuice’s sensibility and discernment ——

  LADY SNEERWELL. Well — well — no compliments now — but tell me when you saw your mistress or what is more material to me your Brother.

  SURFACE. I have not seen either since I saw you — but I can inform you that they are at present at Variance — some of your stories have taken good effect on Maria.

  LADY SNEERWELL. Ah! my dear Verjuice the merit of this belongs to you. But do your Brother’s Distresses encrease?

  SURFACE. Every hour. I am told He had another execution in his house yesterday — in short his Dissipation and extravagance exceed anything I have ever heard of.

  LADY SNEERWELL. Poor Charles!

  SURFACE. True Madam — notwithstanding his Vices one can’t help feeling for him — ah poor Charles! I’m sure I wish it was in my Power to be of any essential Service to him — for the man who does not share in the Distresses of a Brother — even though merited by his own misconduct — deserves ——

  LADY SNEERWELL. O Lud you are going to be moral, and forget that you are among Friends.

  SURFACE. Egad, that’s true — I’ll keep that sentiment till I see Sir Peter. However it is certainly a charity to rescue Maria from such a Libertine who — if He is to be reclaim’d, can be so only by a Person of your Ladyship’s superior accomplishments and understanding.

  VERJUICE. ’Twould be a Hazardous experiment.

  SURFACE. But — Madam — let me caution you to place no more confidence in our Friend Snake the Libeller — I have lately detected him in frequent conference with old Rowland [Rowley] who was formerly my Father’s Steward and has never been a friend of mine.

  LADY SNEERWELL. I’m not disappointed in Snake, I never suspected the fellow to have virtue enough to be faithful even to his own Villany.

  Enter MARIA

  Maria my dear — how do you do — what’s the matter?

  MARIA. O here is that disagreeable lover of mine, Sir Benjamin Backbite, has just call’d at my guardian’s with his odious Uncle Crabtree — so I slipt out and ran hither to avoid them.

  LADY SNEERWELL. Is that all?

  VERJUICE. Lady Sneerwell — I’ll go and write the Letter I mention’d to you.

  SURFACE. If my Brother Charles had been of the Party, madam, perhaps you would not have been so much alarmed.

  LADY SNEERWELL. Nay now — you are severe for I dare swear the Truth of the matter is Maria heard YOU were here — but my dear — what has Sir Benjamin done that you should avoid him so ——

  MARIA. Oh He has done nothing — but his conversation is a perpetual Libel on all his Acquaintance.

  SURFACE. Aye and the worst of it is there is no advantage in not knowing Them, for He’ll abuse a stranger just as soon as his best Friend — and Crabtree is as bad.

  LADY SNEERWELL. Nay but we should make allowance[ — ]Sir Benjamin is a wit and a poet.

  MARIA. For my Part — I own madam — wit loses its respect with me, when I see it in company with malice. — What do you think, Mr. Surface?

  SURFACE. Certainly, Madam, to smile at the jest which plants a Thorn on another’s Breast is to become a principal in the mischief.

  LADY SNEERWELL. Pshaw — there’s no possibility of being witty without a little nature — the malice of a good thing is the Barb that makes it stick. — What’s your opinion, Mr. Surface?

  SURFACE. Certainly madam — that conversation where the Spirit of Raillery is suppressed will ever appear tedious and insipid —

  MARIA. Well I’ll not debate how far Scandal may be allowable — but in a man I am sure it is always contemtable. — We have Pride, envy, Rivalship, and a Thousand motives to depreciate each other — but the male-slanderer must have the cowardice of a woman before He can traduce one.

  LADY SNEERWELL. I wish my Cousin Verjuice hadn’t left us — she should embrace you.

  SURFACE. Ah! she’s an old maid and is privileged of course.

  Enter SERVANT

  Madam Mrs. Candour is below and if your Ladyship’s at leisure will leave her carriage.

  LADY SNEERWELL. Beg her to walk in. Now, Maria[,] however here is a Character to your Taste, for tho’ Mrs. Candour is a little talkative everybody allows her to be the best-natured and best sort of woman.

  MARIA. Yes with a very gross affectation of good Nature and Benevolence — she does more mischief than the Direct malice of old Crabtree.

  SURFACE. Efaith ’tis very true Lady Sneerwell — Whenever I hear the current running again the characters of my Friends, I never think them in such Danger as when Candour undertakes their Defence.

  LADY SNEERWELL. Hush here she is ——

  Enter MRS. CANDOUR

  MRS. CANDOUR. My dear Lady Sneerwell how have you been this Century. I have never seen you tho’ I have heard of you very often. — Mr. Surface — the World says scandalous things of you — but indeed it is no matter what the world says, for I think one hears nothing else but scandal.

  SURFACE. Just so, indeed, Ma’am.

  MRS. CANDOUR. Ah Maria Child — what[!] is the whole affair off between you and Charles? His extravagance; I presume — The Town talks of nothing else ——

  MARIA. I am very sorry, Ma’am, the Town has so little to do.

  MRS. CANDOUR. True, true, Child; but there’s no stopping people’s Tongues. I own I was hurt to hear it — as I indeed was to learn from the same quarter that your guardian, Sir Peter[,] and Lady Teazle have not agreed lately so well as could be wish’d.

  MARIA. ’Tis strangely impertinent for people to busy themselves so.

  MRS. CANDOUR. Very true, Child; but what’s to be done? People will talk — there’s no preventing it. — why it was but yesterday I was told that Miss Gadabout had eloped with Sir Filagree Flirt. But, Lord! there is no minding what one hears; tho’ to be sure I had this from very good authority.

  MARIA. Such reports are highly scandalous.

  MRS. CANDOUR. So they are Child — shameful! shameful! but the world is so censorious no character escapes. Lord, now! who would have suspected your friend, Miss Prim, of an indiscretion Yet such is the ill-nature of people, that they say her unkle stopped her last week just as she was stepping into a Postchaise with her Dancing-master.

  MARIA. I’ll answer for’t there are no grounds for the Report.

  MRS. CANDOUR. Oh, no foundation in the world I dare swear[;] no more probably than for the story circulated last month, of Mrs. Festino’s affair with Colonel Cassino — tho’ to be sure that matter was never rightly cl
ear’d up.

  SURFACE. The license of invention some people take is monstrous indeed.

  MARIA. ’Tis so but in my opinion, those who report such things are equally culpable.

  MRS. CANDOUR. To be sure they are[;] Tale Bearers are as bad as the Tale makers— ’tis an old observation and a very true one — but what’s to be done as I said before — how will you prevent People from talking — to-day, Mrs. Clackitt assured me, Mr. and Mrs. Honeymoon were at last become mere man and wife — like [the rest of their] acquaintance — she likewise hinted that a certain widow in the next street had got rid of her Dropsy and recovered her shape in a most surprising manner — at the same [time] Miss Tattle, who was by affirm’d, that Lord Boffalo had discover’d his Lady at a house of no extraordinary Fame — and that Sir Harry Bouquet and Tom Saunter were to measure swords on a similar Provocation. But — Lord! do you think I would report these Things — No, no[!] Tale Bearers as I said before are just as bad as the talemakers.

  SURFACE. Ah! Mrs. Candour, if everybody had your Forbearance and good nature —

  MRS. CANDOUR. I confess Mr. Surface I cannot bear to hear People traduced behind their Backs[;] and when ugly circumstances come out against our acquaintances I own I always love to think the best — by the bye I hope ’tis not true that your Brother is absolutely ruin’d —

  SURFACE. I am afraid his circumstances are very bad indeed, Ma’am —

  MRS. CANDOUR. Ah! I heard so — but you must tell him to keep up his Spirits — everybody almost is in the same way — Lord Spindle, Sir Thomas Splint, Captain Quinze, and Mr. Nickit — all up, I hear, within this week; so, if Charles is undone, He’ll find half his Acquaintance ruin’d too, and that, you know, is a consolation —

  SURFACE. Doubtless, Ma’am — a very great one.

  Enter SERVANT

  SERVANT. Mr. Crabtree and Sir Benjamin Backbite.

  LADY SNEERWELL. Soh! Maria, you see your lover pursues you — Positively you shan’t escape.

  Enter CRABTREE and SIR BENJAMIN BACKBITE

  CRABTREE. Lady Sneerwell, I kiss your hand. Mrs. Candour I don’t believe you are acquainted with my Nephew Sir Benjamin Backbite — Egad, Ma’am, He has a pretty wit — and is a pretty Poet too isn’t He Lady Sneerwell?