Delphi Complete Works of Richard Brinsley Sheridan

by Richard Brinsley Sheridan

  SIR OLIVER. Egad so He does — mercy on me — He’s greatly altered — and seems to have a settled married look — one may read Husband in his Face at this Distance. —

  Enter SIR PETER

  SIR PETER. Ha! Sir Oliver — my old Friend — welcome to England — a thousand Times!

  SIR OLIVER. Thank you — thank you — Sir Peter — and Efaith I am as glad to find you well[,] believe me —

  SIR PETER. Ah! ’tis a long time since we met — sixteen year I doubt Sir Oliver — and many a cross accident in the Time —

  SIR OLIVER. Aye I have had my share — but, what[!] I find you are married — hey my old Boy — well — well it can’t be help’d — and so I wish you joy with all my heart —

  SIR PETER. Thank you — thanks Sir Oliver. — Yes, I have entered into the happy state but we’ll not talk of that now.

  SIR OLIVER. True true Sir Peter old Friends shouldn’t begin on grievances at first meeting. No, no —

  ROWLEY. Take care pray Sir ——

  SIR OLIVER. Well — so one of my nephews I find is a wild Rogue — hey?

  SIR PETER. Wild! — oh! my old Friend — I grieve for your disappointment there — He’s a lost young man indeed — however his Brother will make you amends; Joseph is indeed what a youth should be — everybody in the world speaks well of him —

  SIR OLIVER. I am sorry to hear it — he has too good a character to be an honest Fellow. Everybody speaks well of him! Psha! then He has bow’d as low to Knaves and Fools as to the honest dignity of Virtue.

  SIR PETER. What Sir Oliver do you blame him for not making Enemies?

  SIR OLIVER. Yes — if He has merit enough to deserve them.

  SIR PETER. Well — well — you’ll be convinced when you know him— ’tis edification to hear him converse — he professes the noblest Sentiments.

  SIR OLIVER. Ah plague on his Sentiments — if he salutes me with a scrap sentence of morality in his mouth I shall be sick directly — but however don’t mistake me Sir Peter I don’t mean to defend Charles’s Errors — but before I form my judgment of either of them, I intend to make a trial of their Hearts — and my Friend Rowley and I have planned something for the Purpose.

  ROWLEY. And Sir Peter shall own he has been for once mistaken.

  SIR PETER. My life on Joseph’s Honour ——

  SIR OLIVER. Well come give us a bottle of good wine — and we’ll drink the Lads’ Healths and tell you our scheme.

  SIR PETER. Alons [Allons], then ——

  SIR OLIVER. But don’t Sir Peter be so severe against your old Friend’s son.

  SIR PETER. ’Tis his Vices and Follies have made me his Enemy. —

  ROWLEY. Come — come — Sir Peter consider how early He was left to his own guidance.

  SIR OLIVER. Odds my Life — I am not sorry that He has run out of the course a little — for my Part, I hate to see dry Prudence clinging to the green juices of youth— ’tis like ivy round a sapling and spoils the growth of the Tree.

  END OF THE SECOND ACT

  ACT III

  SCENE I.

  At SIR PETER’S

  SIR PETER, SIR OLIVER, and ROWLEY

  SIR PETER. Well, then, we will see the Fellows first and have our wine afterwards. — but how is this, Master Rowley — I don’t see the Jet of your scheme.

  ROWLEY. Why Sir — this Mr. Stanley whom I was speaking of, is nearly related to them by their mother. He was once a merchant in Dublin — but has been ruined by a series of undeserved misfortunes — and now lately coming over to solicit the assistance of his friends here — has been flyng [flung] into prison by some of his Creditors — where he is now with two helpless Boys. —

  SIR OLIVER. Aye and a worthy Fellow too I remember him. But what is this to lead to — ?

  ROWLEY. You shall hear — He has applied by letter both to Mr. Surface and Charles — from the former he has received nothing but evasive promises of future service, while Charles has done all that his extravagance has left him power to do — and He is at this time endeavouring to raise a sum of money — part of which, in the midst of his own distresses, I know He intends for the service of poor Stanley.

  SIR OLIVER. Ah! he is my Brother’s Son.

  SIR PETER. Well, but how is Sir Oliver personally to ——

  ROWLEY. Why Sir I will inform Charles and his Brother that Stanley has obtain’d permission to apply in person to his Friends — and as they have neither of them ever seen him[,] let Sir Oliver assume his character — and he will have a fair opportunity of judging at least of the Benevolence of their Dispositions.

  SIR PETER. Pshaw! this will prove nothing — I make no doubt Charles is Coxcomb and thoughtless enough to give money to poor relations if he had it —

  SIR OLIVER. Then He shall never want it — . I have brought a few Rupees home with me Sir Peter — and I only want to be sure of bestowing them rightly. —

  ROWLEY. Then Sir believe me you will find in the youngest Brother one who in the midst of Folly and dissipation — has still, as our immortal Bard expresses it, —

  “a Tear for Pity and a Hand open as the day for melting Charity.”

  SIR PETER. Pish! What signifies his having an open Hand or Purse either when He has nothing left to give! — but if you talk of humane Sentiments — Joseph is the man — Well, well, make the trial, if you please. But where is the fellow whom you brought for Sir Oliver to examine, relative to Charles’s affairs?

  ROWLEY. Below waiting his commands, and no one can give him better intelligence — This, Sir Oliver, is a friendly Jew, who to do him justice, has done everything in his power to bring your nephew to a proper sense of his extravagance.

  SIR PETER. Pray let us have him in.

  ROWLEY. Desire Mr. Moses to walk upstairs.

  [Calls to SERVANT.]

  SIR PETER. But Pray why should you suppose he will speak the truth?

  ROWLEY. Oh, I have convinced him that he has no chance of recovering certain Sums advanced to Charles but through the bounty of Sir Oliver, who He knows is arrived; so that you may depend on his Fidelity to his interest. I have also another evidence in my Power, one Snake, whom I shall shortly produce to remove some of YOUR Prejudices[,] Sir Peter[,] relative to Charles and Lady Teazle.

  SIR PETER. I have heard too much on that subject.

  ROWLEY. Here comes the honest Israelite.

  Enter MOSES

  — This is Sir Oliver.

  SIR OLIVER. Sir — I understand you have lately had great dealings with my Nephew Charles.

  MOSES. Yes Sir Oliver — I have done all I could for him, but He was ruined before He came to me for Assistance.

  SIR OLIVER. That was unlucky truly — for you have had no opportunity of showing your Talents.

  MOSES. None at all — I hadn’t the Pleasure of knowing his Distresses till he was some thousands worse than nothing, till it was impossible to add to them.

  SIR OLIVER. Unfortunate indeed! but I suppose you have done all in your Power for him honest Moses?

  MOSES. Yes he knows that — This very evening I was to have brought him a gentleman from the city who does not know him and will I believe advance some money.

  SIR PETER. What[!] one Charles has never had money from before?

  MOSES. Yes[ — ]Mr. Premium, of Crutched Friars.

  SIR PETER. Egad, Sir Oliver a Thought strikes me! — Charles you say does’nt know Mr. Premium?

  MOSES. Not at all.

  SIR PETER. Now then Sir Oliver you may have a better opportunity of satisfying yourself than by an old romancing tale of a poor Relation — go with my friend Moses and represent Mr. Premium and then I’ll answer for’t you’ll see your Nephew in all his glory.

  SIR OLIVER. Egad I like this Idea better than the other, and I may visit Joseph afterwards as old Stanley.

  SIR PETER. True so you may.

  ROWLEY. Well this is taking Charles rather at a disadvantage, to be sure — however Moses — you understand Sir Peter and will be faithful —— />
  MOSES. You may depend upon me — and this is near the Time I was to have gone.

  SIR OLIVER. I’ll accompany you as soon as you please, Moses —— but hold — I have forgot one thing — how the plague shall I be able to pass for a Jew?

  MOSES. There’s no need — the Principal is Christian.

  SIR OLIVER. Is He — I’m very sorry to hear it — but then again — an’t I rather too smartly dressed to look like a money-Lender?

  SIR PETER. Not at all; ’twould not be out of character, if you went in your own carriage — would it, Moses!

  MOSES. Not in the least.

  SIR OLIVER. Well — but — how must I talk[?] there’s certainly some cant of usury and mode of treating that I ought to know.

  SIR PETER. Oh, there’s not much to learn — the great point as I take it is to be exorbitant enough in your Demands hey Moses?

  MOSES. Yes that’s very great Point.

  SIR OLIVER. I’ll answer for’t I’ll not be wanting in that — I’ll ask him eight or ten per cent. on the loan — at least.

  MOSES. You’ll be found out directly — if you ask him no more than that, you’ll be discovered immediately.

  SIR OLIVER. Hey! — what the Plague! — how much then?

  MOSES. That depends upon the Circumstances — if he appears not very anxious for the supply, you should require only forty or fifty per cent. — but if you find him in great Distress, and want the monies very bad — you may ask double.

  SIR PETER. A good — [h]onest Trade you’re learning, Sir Oliver —

  SIR OLIVER. Truly, I think so — and not unprofitable —

  MOSES. Then you know — you haven’t the monies yourself, but are forced to borrow them for him of a Friend.

  SIR OLIVER. O I borrow it of a Friend do I?

  MOSES. And your friend is an unconscion’d Dog — but you can’t help it.

  SIR OLIVER. My Friend’s an unconscionable Dog, is he?

  MOSES. Yes — and He himself hasn’t the monies by him — but is forced to sell stock — at a great loss —

  SIR OLIVER. He is forced to sell stock is he — at a great loss, is he — well that’s very kind of him —

  SIR PETER. Efaith, Sir Oliver — Mr. Premium I mean — you’ll soon be master of the Trade — but, Moses would have him inquire if the borrower is a minor —

  MOSES. O yes —

  SIR PETER. And in that case his Conscience will direct him —

  MOSES. To have the Bond in another Name to be sure.

  SIR OLIVER. Well — well I shall be perfect —

  SIR PETER. But hearkee wouldn’t you have him also run out a little against the annuity Bill — that would be in character I should think —

  MOSES. Very much —

  ROWLEY. And lament that a young man now must be at years of discretion before He is suffered to ruin himself!

  MOSES. Aye, great Pity!

  SIR PETER. And abuse the Public for allowing merit to an act whose only object is to snatch misfortune and imprudence from the rapacious Relief of usury! and give the minor a chance of inheriting his estate without being undone by coming into Possession.

  SIR OLIVER. So — so — Moses shall give me further instructions as we go together.

  SIR PETER. You will not have much time[,] for your Nephew lives hard bye —

  SIR OLIVER. Oh Never — fear[:] my Tutor appears so able that tho’ Charles lived in the next street it must be my own Fault if I am not a compleat Rogue before I turn the Corner —

  [Exeunt SIR OLIVER and MOSES.]

  SIR PETER. So — now I think Sir Oliver will be convinced — you shan’t follow them Rowley. You are partial and would have prepared Charles for ‘tother plot.

  ROWLEY. No upon my word Sir Peter —

  SIR PETER. Well, go bring me this Snake, and I’ll hear what he has to

  say presently. I see Maria, and want to speak with her. —

  [Exit ROWLEY.]

  I should be glad to be convinced my suspicions of Lady Teazle and

  Charles were unjust — I have never yet opened my mind on this subject to

  my Friend Joseph. . . . I am determined. I will do it — He will give me

  his opinion sincerely. —

  Enter MARIA

  So Child — has Mr. Surface returned with you —

  MARIA. No Sir — He was engaged.

  SIR PETER. Well — Maria — do you not reflect[,] the more you converse with that amiable young man[,] what return his Partiality for you deserves?

  MARIA. Indeed Sir Peter — your frequent importunity on this subject distresses me extremely — you compell me to Declare that I know no man who has ever paid me a particular Attention whom I would not prefer to Mr. Surface —

  SIR PETER. Soh! Here’s Perverseness — no — no — Maria, ’tis Charles only whom you would prefer— ’tis evident his Vices and Follies have won your Heart.

  MARIA. This is unkind Sir — You know I have obey’d you in neither seeing nor corresponding with him — I have heard enough to convince me that He is unworthy my regard — Yet I cannot think it culpable — if while my understanding severely condemns his Vices, my Heart suggests some Pity for his Distresses.

  SIR PETER. Well well pity him as much as you please, but give your Heart and Hand to a worthier object.

  MARIA. Never to his Brother!

  SIR PETER. Go — perverse and obstinate! but take care, Madam — you have never yet known what the authority of a Guardian is — don’t compel me to inform you of it. —

  MARIA. I can only say, you shall not have just Reason— ’tis true, by my Father’s will I am for a short period bound to regard you as his substitute, but I must cease to think you so when you would compel me to be miserable.

  [Exit.]

  SIR PETER. Was ever man so crossed as I am[?] everything conspiring to fret me! I had not been involved in matrimony a fortnight[,] before her Father — a hale and hearty man, died on purpose, I believe — for the Pleasure of plaguing me with the care of his Daughter . . . but here comes my Helpmate! — She appears in great good humour —— how happy I should be if I could teaze her into loving me tho’ but a little ——

  Enter LADY TEAZLE

  LADY TEAZLE. Lud! Sir Peter I hope you haven’t been quarrelling with Maria? It isn’t using me well to be ill humour’d when I am not bye — !

  SIR PETER. Ah! Lady Teazle you might have the Power to make me good humour’d at all times —

  LADY TEAZLE. I am sure — I wish I had — for I want you to be in a charming sweet temper at this moment — do be good humour’d now — and let me have two hundred Pounds will you?

  SIR PETER. Two hundred Pounds! what an’t I to be in a good humour without paying for it — but speak to me thus — and Efaith there’s nothing I could refuse you. You shall have it — but seal me a bond for the repayment.

  LADY TEAZLE. O no — there — my Note of Hand will do as well —

  SIR PETER. And you shall no longer reproach me with not giving you an independent settlement — I shall shortly surprise you — and you’ll not call me ungenerous — but shall we always live thus — hey?

  LADY TEAZLE. If you — please — I’m sure I don’t care how soon we leave off quarrelling provided you’ll own you were tired first —

  SIR PETER. Well — then let our future contest be who shall be most obliging.

  LADY TEAZLE. I assure you Sir Peter Good Nature becomes you — you look now as you did before we were married — when you used to walk with me under the Elms, and tell me stories of what a Gallant you were in your youth — and chuck me under the chin you would — and ask me if I thought I could love an old Fellow who would deny me nothing — didn’t you?

  SIR PETER. Yes — yes — and you were as kind and attentive ——

  LADY TEAZLE. Aye so I was — and would always take your Part, when my acquaintance used to abuse you and turn you into ridicule —

  SIR PETER. Indeed!

  LADY TEAZLE. Aye — and when my cousi
n Sophy has called you a stiff peevish old batchelor and laugh’d at me for thinking of marrying one who might be my Father — I have always defended you — and said I didn’t think you so ugly by any means, and that you’d make a very good sort of a husband —

  SIR PETER. And you prophesied right — and we shall certainly now be the happiest couple ——

  LADY TEAZLE. And never differ again.

  SIR PETER. No never — tho’ at the same time indeed — my dear Lady Teazle — you must watch your Temper very narrowly — for in all our little Quarrels — my dear — if you recollect my Love you always began first —

  LADY TEAZLE. I beg your Pardon — my dear Sir Peter — indeed — you always gave the provocation.

  SIR PETER. Now — see, my Love take care — contradicting isn’t the way to keep Friends.

  LADY TEAZLE. Then don’t you begin it my Love!

  SIR PETER. There now — you are going on — you don’t perceive[,] my Life, that you are just doing the very thing my Love which you know always makes me angry.

  LADY TEAZLE. Nay — you know if you will be angry without any reason — my Dear ——

  SIR PETER. There now you want to quarrel again.

  LADY TEAZLE. No — I am sure I don’t — but if you will be so peevish ——

  SIR PETER. There — now who begins first?

  LADY TEAZLE. Why you to be sure — I said nothing[ — ]but there’s no bearing your Temper.

  SIR PETER. No — no — my dear — the fault’s in your own temper.

  LADY TEAZLE. Aye you are just what my Cousin Sophy said you would be —

  SIR PETER. Your Cousin Sophy — is a forward impertinent Gipsey —

  LADY TEAZLE. Go you great Bear — how dare you abuse my Relations —

  SIR PETER. Now may all the Plagues of marriage be doubled on me, if ever I try to be Friends with you any more ——

  LADY TEAZLE. So much the Better.

  SIR PETER. No — no Madam ’tis evident you never cared a pin for me — I was a madman to marry you —

  LADY TEAZLE. And I am sure I was a Fooll to marry you — an old dangling Batchelor, who was single of [at] fifty — only because He never could meet with any one who would have him.