by Jayne Blue
I saluted her and shot a wink to Axle. His eyes were still hard as he dropped his shoulders and headed out to the porch to join Zig and Benz.
Later, the house grew quiet as the men went out to deal with Gran’s tractor. Gran herself grew stoic as she taught me her pancake recipe. I appreciated it for the solemn secret it was and tried to commit it to memory.
I didn’t see Axle again until he came to bed. I’d worked in the kitchen with Gran until well after the sun went down. He came to me in the dark, standing in the doorway, his eyes reflecting the moonlight.
“Axle, what is it? What’s wrong?” I said, sitting up in bed. I hugged my knees to my chest.
He didn’t move at first. Then he walked slowly across the room and sat down at the end of the bed.
“It’s what I told you,” he said. “First thing in the morning, I have to ride out with Zig and Benz. I can’t tell you what’s wrong. It’s club business. If you’re going to be with me, you have to accept that. I can’t tell you.”
I put a hand on his shoulder. God, his muscles were so tight. “I know. I get it. Did you know Gran told me that pretty much the first day we came here. I told you before that I trust you. I still do. But you can’t ask me to put my life on hold forever. When you leave, I need to leave too.”
“Maya …”
“No! That’s the deal, Axle. I won’t ask you for details about every part of your life. I won’t pretend I like it, but I accept it. But I have a life too. At least, I had one before Junior DiSalvo blew it up. I’m done running. I’m done being scared. It’s time for me to live. I found the job at Cups by myself. I’ll find something else. I’ll find another apartment too if that’s what it takes.”
“I can give you rent money, Maya. I can take care of you.”
I smiled and touched his face. “For how long? Come on, Axle. I’m not going to live off you. That doesn’t mean I might not ask you to float me a loan, but I’m not there yet and that’s all it would be. A loan. I can take care of myself.”
“Two days,” he said. “Just give me two days. Stay here. After that, things will be settled.”
“Will they? Is that a promise? Look, I said I wouldn’t ask you for details, but instinct’s telling me you can’t make that promise. Two days is going to turn into two more and God knows what else after that.”
“Maya …”
“Axle, I’m tired. It’s been a long day. Will you just come to bed with me? Whatever it is. Whatever’s making you look at me like that. You’re not going to solve it on no sleep.”
For the first time since this afternoon, Axle finally smiled. He slipped out of his leather cut and pulled his shirt over his head. His triceps flexed as he leaned toward me and kissed me.
“Truce,” he said.
“Exactly. Meet me halfway, baby.” I took him into my arms. Axle lay with his head between my breasts as I smoothed my fingers over his temples. He stayed as tense as before, but at least he settled against me. Axle seemed to hold me even tighter as I fought to keep my eyes open. We both finally lost that battle as Axle’s rhythmic breaths fell against my breasts.
I don’t know what woke me later. Whatever it was, my eyes snapped open and I found myself drenched in sweat. I reached for Axle but he wasn’t there. The house was quiet, but I thought I heard voices coming from outside.
The nearest thing to me was Axle’s discarded t-shirt. I pulled it over my head. It was big enough on me to hang almost to my knees. The night was humid with a slight breeze that lifted the curtains. I went to the window, drawn by low murmurs coming from outside. From my vantage point, I could see the light coming from the bottom of the barn.
I tiptoed out into the hall. Gran’s door was shut. I walked by the guest bedrooms. Zig and Benz weren’t in them. Voices drew me again and I walked out on the porch. I opened my mouth to call for Axle but something made me stop. No, not something. I heard someone yell my name. Every instinct in my body told me not to go. I’d just promised Axle that I wouldn’t press him for details about club business. He’d asked me to trust him. I wanted to. Each step I took felt like a betrayal of that trust as the urge to eavesdrop burned within me.
The voices rose to a shout. I couldn’t make out words, but Axle was angry. Something banged against the wall and I worried Axle might be about to punch another hole in it. Though I knew I should turn back, I kept walking forward. In some back corner of my brain, I knew everything was about to change again. Sweat pooled between my shoulder blades and a barn owl hooted, as if to give me one last warning to turn back. I kept on going.
I stepped gingerly down Gran’s porch steps, mindful of the fact they creaked. I took the path toward Gran’s garden. It led to the back of the barn. From there, the voices inside the barn grew louder and again I heard my name.
“You don’t fucking understand,” Axle said. “I’ve been living with this for days. Weeks. I can handle it.”
“It’s not for you to handle,” Zig said. “Jesus. You’ve been lying to all of us. How the fuck do you think anybody can trust what you say now? ”
“Because it’s me!” Axle shouted, then he dropped his voice to a whisper. “Because you know what I’ve done for this club. What I’ll always do. But this time, this girl is different. Bear is wrong.”
“Axle,” Benz said. “I get it. Okay? Shit. In your situation, I don’t know that I’d have done anything different. But this can’t … you can’t ... fuck. You really willing to go against the club for this?”
“It’s not about that anymore,” Zig said. “Now you’re asking us to go against the club. You’ve drawn us into it. That can’t happen, Axle. Dammit, I hate this.”
“And you know goddamn well this is about Junior. Whatever he’s told Bear or his fucking mother or anyone else ... if he gets clear of this jackpot, there’s going to be another one just around the corner. This won’t end. This won’t ever end.”
“You willing to sacrifice your patch over it?” Zig said. Silence fell like dead weight. My heart hammered in my chest. Puzzle pieces slammed into place in my brain.
Junior. His warnings about the club replayed in my mind along with Axle’s warnings to me about Junior.
“Are you?” Zig asked again. “Axle, fucking tell me right now. You willing to go against Bear’s orders ... against the club over this girl?”
Zig’s question hit me like a gut punch. Detective Langley’s warnings slammed into my thoughts along with everything else.
“There’s got to be another way,” Axle said. “Give me time. I’ll find a way to keep Maya from fucking things up for Junior.”
I couldn’t hear anymore. My blood roared in my ears and I had to cover my mouth to keep from throwing up. Fucking things up for Junior? Oh God. How could I have not seen? How could I have trusted him? Axle, the club. They were all working for Junior DiSalvo.
Spots swam in front of my eyes as I staggered back inside.
Chapter 19
Axle
Sunlight peeked over the horizon by the time Zig, Benz, and I finished our conversation. Nothing was settled. Tension simmered between us. Zig left the barn first. Gran’s rooster crowed to mark his passage. I moved to follow him but Benz grabbed my arm. As keyed up as I was, my instinct was to turn and smash something. I didn’t though. Instead, I dropped my head.
“Ax,” Benz said.
“Don’t, man.” I looked up. “I’ve said all I can say.”
“Well, you better think of more shit .The longer you let this fester, the worse it’s gonna be. Bear’s gotta know. The club has gotta know.”
“You gonna get between me and Maya?” I asked him. We were almost nose to nose. I stared Benz down. Out of everyone, he was the closest to me. Benz and I came up together. Two scrappy sixteen-year-olds on the edge of fucking our lives up forever. If Bear hadn’t let us start hanging around the clubhouse and the other members, we’d probably both be locked up by now.
He had to feel more betrayed by me than anyone. That hurt. But he didn’t kno
w. He didn’t have somebody like Maya in his life.
“I’m not gonna hurt that girl,” Benz said. “And I swear to God, I hope you can make Bear see your side of things. But you need to understand why I gotta stay out of it. Take it to the table, man. Then we’ll see what’s what.”
It was all I could ask of him. I knew what Benz had just risked not picking up his phone and calling Bear right then and there. Zig too. But they didn’t. They were giving me the benefit of the doubt. I could only pray Bear would do the same.
“Come on,” Benz said. “We ain’t gonna solve any of this now. Get an hour of sleep at least. Then we’ll head into Port Az together. You think you can keep Maya here for the rest of the day?”
“That won’t be a problem.” Zig had come back. He stood in the barn doorway. His eyes glinted.
“Zig,” I started.
“No.” He put a hand up. “Here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to the clubhouse now. Not in an hour. Now. I’m going to stay here and keep an eye on things.”
Acid seemed to fill my lungs. His expression brooked no argument. If he’d called Bear, there might already be a new plan in place where Maya was concerned. Zig must have seen something change in my own face. He held up a hand.
“Status quo,” he said. “I meant what I said. I’m going to keep an eye on things. That’s it. But I’m not gonna lie to Bear for you. Not even for a second. So, you go in now. You go in and tell him you need an emergency meeting. That’s the best you’re gonna get from me.”
I let out a hard breath. “I appreciate it. Just let me say goodbye to her.”
“Benz is going to go with you when you do that,” Zig said. He didn’t trust me and I couldn’t blame him. Still, my throat felt thick with dread as I nodded once and walked out of the barn with Benz two steps behind.
Gran was already up and heating her griddle when I walked in the house. Maya wasn’t at her side. She must have overslept. I was surprised the rooster didn’t wake her. Gran had her back to me, working her kitchen magic. I went to her and kissed her cheek, putting my hands lightly on her shoulders.
“Wash up,” she said. “What did you do, sleep in the barn?”
I didn’t answer. It was bad enough I had to find a way to pretend with Maya. I couldn’t do it with Gran. Benz stood in the hallway outside the bedroom. I could hear Maya stirring inside.
“Let me go in alone,” I said. “You come in there with me and she’s gonna know something’s up.”
Benz gave me a solemn nod and let me pass. I gripped the doorknob damn near hard enough to crush it before stepping inside.
Maya sat at the dresser, brushing her hair. Her eyes looked red-rimmed like she hadn’t slept much herself. I went to her, putting my hands on her shoulders like I had with Gran then leaned down to kiss her. Maya put a light hand on my cheek and met my eyes in the mirror.
“I looked for you,” she said. “You never came back to bed.”
“Sorry,” I said. “I had some things to talk over with the guys.” Sticking as close to the truth was the only way I was going to get through this.
“All settled?” she asked, giving me a bright smile.
“No. Baby, I know I’m sounding like a broken record, but it’s gonna be like this sometimes. I gotta head back into Port Az for the day. Shit needs tending to and I can’t put it off. But I’m going to be back here by dinnertime. That’s a promise. Will you wait for me?”
She set her hairbrush down on the dresser and turned toward me. She wore one of my old t-shirts. Her tanned legs poked out beneath the hem and even now, I had the urge to reach beneath it and find her sweet spot. It’s all I wanted. Just to disappear into Maya and push the world away. But she deserved more than that from me. She deserved promises kept, not lies.
And what the fuck was I going to do if I couldn’t get through to Bear? For now, I couldn’t let that possibility enter my mind. I’d find a way. What Bear didn’t know, what none of them could understand was that I was willing to die for this woman. It’s the one card I had left to play if it came to it. I just prayed it would be enough.
“I’ll wait, baby,” she said; sliding her hand up she touched my face. Her hands were so cold. She trembled. I turned my face and kissed her palm.
“Thank you,” I said. “I know what I’m asking. I heard everything you said yesterday about not wanting to have your life on hold. It won’t be. One way or the other. Okay?”
“Sure.” Maya smiled. I wondered if maybe Gran had talked to her. Or maybe I judged wrong and she’d had a good night’s sleep. The light of a new day had changed her mind. Whatever it was, I said a silent prayer of thanks that Maya’s change of heart about leaving for Port Az with me had bought me a little bit of time. I just had to hope the last part wouldn’t spook her.
“Zig is going to stay here at the farm today,” I said. “Gran’s got some shit that needs doing. Since I’ve got some responsibilities in town, he’s stepping up to take care of what she needs. He won’t be any trouble. He’ll stay out of your way.”
“Okay, baby,” Maya said. Her eyes glistened. God, she was so beautiful. So trusting. My guts twisted knowing I didn’t deserve her. I just hoped that by tomorrow, I could set things right with all the people I loved.
“I’ll be back tonight,” I said, promising her one last time. I kissed her, then rose to my full height. Maya stayed on the bench in front of the dresser and picked up the hairbrush. She turned back to the mirror and didn’t watch me leave.
Zig and Benz swore they hadn’t clued Bear in to what was going on at Gran’s farm. But when I walked into the back room at the clubhouse, I thought for sure one of them had lied. Bear sat at the head of the table, his face hard as granite as he stared at me. Benz stayed at my shoulder. He gave me a tight-lipped nod as he walked around the table and took his seat.
I couldn’t. Part of me felt like I hadn’t earned the right to sit at this table today. What I had to tell Bear and the others might be the last thing I ever did. I gripped the back of my chair and dropped my head.
“Zig said you had something to report,” Bear finally said. “Why the fuck isn’t he here? You wanna clue me in, Axle? We’ve got shit storms brewing on all fronts.”
I cleared my throat. I felt like I could splinter the wood beneath my fingers as I gripped that damn chair. Now that I was here, I didn’t have a damn clue what to say. What could I say that would make these guys understand I wasn’t just thinking with my dick? Hell, it’s what I would think in their position.
In the end, I went for simple and honest. I’d lied and kept things from the men who had my back for twelve years. It’s what I owed them. That and so much more.
“I know where Maya Ballard is,” I said. “And I’m not going to kill her.” The room went dead silent. I pulled out my chair and sat down.
Bear’s expression betrayed nothing. He kept that stony stare on me as he thumbed his chin then looked around the table. Every man here took his cues from Bear. He was fair, but he was also ruthless. No matter what, he would always act to protect the club, even from me if it came to it.
“Keep talking,” Bear finally said. His voice took an edge that heightened the tension around the table. I put my hands flat in front of me.
“I lied to you. It wasn’t my plan, but there it is.”
“You lied to me,” Bear said. “You wanna fucking elaborate, Axle?”
So I did. I told Bear everything. I told him how I met Maya at Cups days before Cory Kline turned up dead. At first it had been about getting in her pants. Then it wasn’t. Then Junior killed Cory. I told them about taking her to Gran’s and that she was there right now. There was no point in hiding that fact. Zig would probably text that intel to Bear within the hour. He’d given me the chance to come to Bear first, but that’s all.
There was silence around the table save for a few of the guys shifting in their seats and clearing their throats. This was all about Bear. Bear and me. I would live or die based on his decision.
I did. I said so. My guts seemed to hollow out and Bear’s booming voice echoed through the room. He got out of his seat and stood with his hands flat on the table.
“I never intended to go against you,” I said. “And I understand how dangerous Junior is. But this girl ... Maya ... if I hadn’t met her before all of this ... but I did. I swear to God, Bear …”
I didn’t get a chance to say the rest of the words. E.Z. lunged at me. He gripped me by the vest and we tumbled backward together until he had me pressed against the back wall.
“You son of a bitch,” E.Z. said. “You sat at this table and lied. You fucking lied.”
E.Z. punched the wall next to my head. Then he landed one square across my jaw, then another to my temple. My head exploded with light but I stayed on my feet. My lips curled back and my vision clouded over with red rage, but I kept my fists at my sides. He owed me this. They all did. I would take their anger. I would take their violence. I would take it all if it meant saving Maya’s life.
It was Bear who pulled E.Z. off me. Blood poured from a cut above my eye but I didn’t flinch. I stayed on my feet and faced Bear. He got right in my face, his eyes flicking over me. He kept one hand flat against the wall next to my head.
“Why the fuck should I let you keep your patch?” Bear asked. His eyes were red-rimmed and up close, I could see the agony he felt behind them. I had done this. I had caused him pain. I counted on his rage and stood ready to absorb it. But his disappointment hit me square in the gut, harder than any blow E.Z. could land.
“Maybe you shouldn’t,” I finally said. “But you have to know. Bear, I love her. I fucking love her.”
Bear dropped his head. He grabbed my cut and twisted it in his fist.
