When She Least Expected It

by Jeanette Lynn

  Gah. No. No, no, no. Enough of that talk, madam! No killing this buzz today.

  I needed to celebrate... but how?

  ****

  Twenty minutes later, I had my feet swinging from the dock, fishing pole in hand, warm sun on my face and a cool breeze on my skin.

  Oh yeeaaahhh. Ce-le-brate.

  Now I just had to catch something yummy for dinner and all would be well in the world of Miss Tabitha Monroe, artist extraordinaire.

  Reaching to my left, picking up a shiny red can, I popped the tab on my soda and took a swig.

  A happy noise rumbling my chest, I closed my eyes, tilting my face towards the sky, and let out a sigh of contentment.

  "Is this seat taken?" that familiar, low, husky timber murmured from the other side of the dock.

  My skin prickled at the sound of that voice, but not in a bad way, baby shivers tickling up my spine to spread. The dock swayed, just a little, the sound of footsteps drawing closer signaling his approach. "I dunno," I eventually answered, not bothering to open my eyes, "did you bring anything good with you?"

  "Ummm..." Clearing his throat, he chuckled a little. "I, uh, I have a candy bar in my pocket and..."

  The sound of material shifting reached my ears and I heard rustling around, like he was scrounging around in his pockets.

  "Oh, and a quarter!" he said after a moment.

  "What kind of candy bar?" I asked curiously, glancing over my shoulder, peeking one eye open to stare at him warily.

  There was an almost adorable, befuddled, little boy look about him—lost and looking. "Peanut butter cups," he said, a small, wry twist of his lips, part expectation, part hope.

  Lips pursing, I acted like I had to think about it for a minute. "Mm... alright, you're in." Setting my can down beside me, I held out my hand for the candy bar in question.

  "You're completely serious," he realized, shocked that I meant business.

  "I don't kid about candy bars, Willy,” my fingers wiggled, “so hand it over."

  When he just stood there, blinking down at me, I wiggled my digits harder, adding a little hurry up motion in the hopes of moving his hesitant butt along.

  He smirked down at me, as if my impatience amused him—or maybe my person in general—and handed over my prize, the quarter, too.

  Smiling at the candy bar, I pocketed the quarter and motioned for him to have a seat.

  "Want a soda pop?" I asked, before I picked mine back up and took a swig.

  "Those are terrible for you, they'll-” He stopped suddenly and shut his mouth, pointedly glancing away and clearing his throat uncomfortably.

  "They'll what...? Make you fat?" I guessed, staring at him. Eyebrows shooting up, I snorted. "Sure, if you drink them all the time every day. So will that candy bar you were hoarding."

  Making a show out of holding it up, I opened the candy bar and handed a cup over to him. "I think I'll be daring," I teased, acting like I was in the middle of a difficult decision. "Take my chances. What could it hurt, right?" I shimmied a little, letting my bit of 'jiggle' wiggle, showing him that, yes, I know I'm a bigger girl and, no, I don't take offense with what you were getting at, it is what it is.

  William looked to me, surprised, but took his half of the candy without a word.

  Twisting at the waist, I reached into my little cooler and pulled out another soda, handing it over to him. Setting my candy down on my knee, safely still in the wrapper, I clinked our cans together. "To living a little!" I toasted.

  He smiled a small half-smile and scooted closer to the edge of the dock.

  "You're wearing fancy dress slacks and a polo shirt to go fishing?" I asked in disbelief, taking in his attire.

  He blushed and scowled at the same time, glancing down at his peanut butter cup. "I don't really have anything else to wear," he mumbled.

  "You look like you work out," I blurted. "You mean to tell me you run around on a treadmill in those things?" I motioned at his shoes, waving my hand in their general direction.

  "No." He laughed. "But when Dad cut me off, the gym was the first thing to go. The jerks that owned the place wouldn't even let me go in to get my gym bag with all of my shorts, shirts and running shoes in it when I went in to work out that morning. They said if I wanted my things, I'd have to pay up."

  "Snooty bastards," I huffed indignantly, with a hint of teasing mockery.

  He caught on after a moment, giving me a look.

  I raised an eyebrow at him haughtily but gave a half grin, as if to say, “Yes, I teased you, wanna make something of it, buddy?”

  A tiny smile pulled up at the corners of his mouth, but then he turned toward the lake and stared out across it, his face sobering again.

  Leaving him to it, I studied his fancy shoes for a moment.

  "Take off your shoes," I ordered, when I’d fixated on the damned things long enough.

  "What?" he asked, turning his head towards me, blinking over at me, dumbfounded.

  "You heard me, city boy," I said with a fake, put-on southern accent. "Take them socks off too, sugar."

  "City boy? I'd almost rather you called me Willy," he said on a shudder and pulled of his fancy loafers and socks.

  Ick. What the hell were those socks... argyle? Polyester? Ugh. Prissy!

  "Did you wear your fancy, girly socks with your running shoes?" I teased.

  "No," he grumbled, but gave me a look, acting like I was a little slow, "I wore regular white socks, like everyone else."

  "Oh the scandal," I sighed out daintily, feigning a swoon.

  "You know, for someone who thinks that I'm a snob, you are, too," he retorted dryly.

  "Hardly," I chuckled out with an evil little grin, "I just like to watch you squirm." Eyes narrowing, I wiggled my eyebrows at him.

  He barked out a laugh, shaking his head, wiggling his toes idly while we teased and joked as the cool air hit them.

  They were just as I'd thought too, his toes—long, pale, and masculine, his second toe just a smidgeon longer than the big toe.

  Stupid man, even his imperfections were perfection. So not fair.

  Even his stupid feet were perfect, I thought as I admired them covertly.

  "Now roll your pant legs up," I instructed.

  He complied much easier this time, shoving his legs over the side to swing alongside mine. His toes dangled in the water though, whereas mine just swung over the edge, dangling in thin air.

  Taking a bite of my peanut butter-y cup, I eyed his legs thoughtfully as I chewed on my chocolaty confection.

  "You look like a damned sasquatch," I told him, thinking aloud, and started making the proper sound effects.

  He choked on his soda, offering me a killing glaring once his coughing fit had subdued.

  "If you didn't want to see my hairy legs, you shouldn't have had me roll my pant legs up then, huh?" he bit out a little too nastily for my tastes.

  "Oh, I'm not complaining, you little ball of fur you," I cooed at him annoyingly, batting my lashes a little. "I was just making an observation."

  "Are you always this..." he grumbled, gesturing at me with his peanut butter cup.

  "Yes. Yes, I am. So, either get used to it or screw off," I told him and snatched his butter cup up, taking a bite out of it to grin at him, just to be a butt.

  While he sputtered and spluttered, properly initiated, if I did say so myself, I handed it back to him, giggle-snorting when he just stared back and forth between me and his bitten candy as I chewed happily on my stolen contraband.

  "What's the matter, Willy," I taunted, "afraid I have cooties or something?"

  "Cooties... what are we, five? Cooties, no. Germs, yes."

  He didn't think I had germs the other day when he planted a big one on me, though, now did he? "Fine." I held out my hand, "then give it here."

  "No," he said stubbornly, closing his hand over it and pulling it away.

  "You said I have germs, which by the way are cooties, you goob," I reminded snootily, rolling my
eyes at him.

  My strange companion didn't respond, so I ignored him in favor of the lake.

  Oh, that's right, us hicks must be covered with germs. Wouldn't want to sully himself on us. Hah!

  Stealing a couple looks, I peeked over and saw him glance over to make sure I wasn't looking, not so stealthily putting his candy back in the wrapper to slip it into his pants pocket.

  Snob! I hope it melts in there, I thought, and grinned.

  "What are you smiling about?" he asked, watching me now.

  "Nothin'," I responded easily, too easily, still smiling. And maybe he noticed, the hint of it in my voice, the mocking tip of my lips—I was irked.

  Picking up on my vibe, or that something was definitely amiss, he stiffened visibly next to me. Oh, so now he’s irritated? Lah-dee-dah, sir.

  Irritated, I turned slightly to face him. "What? You can sneak the bitten candy into your pocket so you don't have to share germs with me, but I can't have a secret smile?"

  Lips thinning until all that remained was a thin, unhappy slash, he pulled his candy back out, realizing he'd just been busted. A hint of challenge in his expression, a pinch of fire in his eyes, he looked to me defiantly and shoved the remainder of his candy in his snappy yapper, chewing it quickly to wash it down with a swig of soda.

  "Well," he demanded, waving a hand at me and crossing his arms over his chest, "your turn."

  "I was just hoping the chocolate would melt in the pocket of your prissy pants," I said on a laugh, cackling when he let out a stunned noise, grunting at my reaction, then struggled desperately to fight the grin crawling up his mug and lost, laughing along with me.

  "My pants are not prissy," he said defensively, once our laughter had died down.

  "Yeah, they are. You're like a walking ad for fancy clothes. You reek of prissy."

  "I am not prissy.” Which just made him sound really super prissy. At my look he rolled his eyes. “If I'm prissy, then you're odd," he said accusingly.

  "I am," I admitted, without any compunction.

  "I have a feeling I'm going to be talking in circles a lot with you..." he trailed off.

  I nodded, the two of us in complete agreement for once. "Then you'd probably be right."

  ****

  "I blame you, you know."

  "For what? What the hell did I do?" Will asked indignantly, walking alongside me as the sun started to set on an almost perfect day.

  So easy to rile, this one is. Heh-heh. Ol’ Willy boy is going to be a lot of fun, I thought, grinning suddenly.

  "The fish," I told him. "I blame you for the fish."

  He gave me a blank look.

  "It's your fault we didn't catch any," I said slyly.

  "And why is that?" His eyes narrowed before widening, and he smiled cheekily, catching on to my tease, his shoes and socks in his hand as we both walked through the cool grass barefoot back to our houses.

  "It must have been those banana boats you call feet," I explained, sighing heavily. "I'm surprised they didn't kill off all the fish."

  "Are you implying my feet stink?" he said stiffly, tensing up again.

  Mwahahaha! "Oh, I'm not implying anything," I said airily, pretending disgust, smothering my smile of satisfaction.

  "My feet do not stink!"

  "Mmmm," I murmured noncommittally, shrugging, glancing at him, giving him a small sympathetic smile like, whatever you say.

  "They don't!" he huffed and puffed adamantly, thumbing his nose at me.

  He's so cute when he gets all huffy like that, I thought, followed by, I think my brains a little scrambled still from that stupid kiss he'd planted on me last week. Totally need to go on a date with someone, soon, my dry spell is making me wonky.

  "Well... then maybe it was your gorilla legs," I tried again.

  He outright gaped at me.

  "Yeah," I continued, nodding, "they must have thought a bear had swum into the lake looking for lunch and took off."

  "Now you're just full of shit!" he spluttered, sounding mad, rolling his eyes heavenward, but the nudge to my shoulder and little snorted laugh a few moments later, told me otherwise.

  We reached our own respective front yards and I started walking up mine, waving at him after I reached the top step and set my fishing pole, small portable cooler and tackle box by the door.

  "Hey, Bit?" Will called.

  "Yeah?" I asked and looked over at him watching me from his porch railing.

  "Thanks."

  "For what? Saying you have smelly gorilla feet?" I joked.

  "No." He laughed and gave me a genuinely friendly smile. "I meant thanks for being my friend."

  Surprised, I didn't say anything at first, just stood there regarding him in open mouthed surprise.

  Snapping my ass out of it, I composed myself after a brief moment and quickly smiled back. "Any time, Will, any time," I murmured quietly.

  Without waiting for a response, I opened my screen door and walked inside, catching his chuckle.

  "Be careful, Bit, I might just hold you to that," he practically whispered.

  Feeling lighter than I had in a long while, I couldn't wipe the silly grin off of my face for the rest of the day.

  Apples To Assholes

  "So… what's the deal with the car?"

  "What do you mean?" Will asked as he washed his baby in his front yard.

  “Mmph.” A grunt left me as I took a big bite of my green apple and chewed thoughtfully. After I swallowed, I gestured to his baby with my apple hand. "You said you're low on funds. Sell the damn thing. It's just a car," I said, thinking aloud, shrugging, bringing my apple back to my lips to take another bite.

  "Just a car! Are you insane?!" he practically shouted, whirling around and glaring at me.

  "Probably. I am friends with you, aren't I?" I asked sweetly.

  "Ha ha, very funny, short shit," he said testily.

  Unrepentant, I grinned at him. "I'm just saying..."

  "Well, don't," he barked, irritated.

  Ooooh, so touchy.

  Muttering under his breath, Will walked over and set the soap bucket down at my feet. Reaching in, he picked up a rag and swiped his hands on it, then dumped it and snatched my apple right out of my hand.

  "Hey! Give it back!" I yelled and hopped up, making to lunge for it.

  Jerking back too fast for me to stand the slightest chance, he took a huge bite right from where I'd been eating off of it, then held it above his head. "It's all yours, Bit. Come and get it," he taunted, waving it around above his fat, beautiful yet still fat with cockiness, stupid head.

  It was useless, of course, Will being so much taller than me, I couldn't reach it without a damn chair. Hissing my annoyance like an angry snake, I glared at him, my toe already tapping, and crossed my arms over my chest. Though I tried my hardest not to, I watched as his t-shirt rode up, exposing his taut, furry tummy, the drawstrings from his shorts peeking out. Which brought me to my next train of thought. Hmmm.

  "I wouldn't do that if I were you," I warned menacingly.

  "Oh?" he said smugly, "And why not?"

  "I just might surprise you," I informed him haughtily.

  He barked out a laugh that, this one from deep in his belly. "I highly doubt that," he shot back confidently. "Nothing you do surprises me anymore, short shit."

  My lips tightened at his stupid nickname and I stiffened visibly. He knew, he just freaking knew, I hated it.

  "Do your worst, Bit," he taunted, a giant, shit-eating grin on his pretty, pretty freaking annoying, mug. "I dare you."

  So he doesn't think I could surprise him, eh? Well, I'll just show him. Hopping around wildly, I acted like I was going to jump up and make a grab for the apple, then ducked down and yanked, taking his shorts down, jumping back when I ended up eye to eye with his not so little ‘friend’.

  I jumped up and ran through his yard and straight into mine, cackling at his surprised shouts and cursing, aimed at my overall well-being and future health.

>   "Bit!" he roared, and I just kept going, trying to be as quiet as possible. When I reached the water hose on the side of my house, gripping the hose in one hand and the knob to turn it on in the other, I was in full-on stealth mode.

  Will came charging around the corner like an enraged bull, like I’d assumed he would, smoke practically steaming from his ears.

  Naturally, I did what anyone would do in my situation..

  Apologize you say? No...

  Beg for my life? Hell no!

  With a grin worthy of an evil villain, I turned the hose on, full blast, and sprayed his ass, aiming right for his face when he started to advance on me.

  "I'm sorry! I can't hear you!" I yelled over his garbled cussing. "What was that?!!" My strangled shouts, as I tried not to outright cackle at him, could probably be heard down the street.

  "I'm... going... to... kill... you!" I could just make out between blasts.

  When it looked like he’d had about enough, and a reckoning was drawing near, I dropped the hose and made a mad dash for my back door, making it just in time to slam it shut behind me and lock it before an enraged, soaking wet Will came pounding on it.

  "Open this damn door!" he shouted between heavy thumps of his fist to the thick barrier. "I'm going to turn your ass black and blue, you little shit!"

  "Gotta get inside first, Miss Priss!" I cackled out maniacally.

  Will stopped pounding on my door all of a sudden, an eerie, deafening silence following, and I paused to listen, putting my ear close to the door but not quite pressed against it, trying to make anything out without risking a shock of a lifetime, should this just be some kind of strange ploy of his.

  There was a flash of sandy brown in the side window, I noticed as I caught the movement from the corner of my eye, and I frowned. What? That’s it? He never gives up this easily... Hmm...What's up with that?

  It just didn’t seem- And then it clicked, and I was up and off, charging through the kitchen and down the hall that separated it from the living room. Oh shit!