by Robert Lopez
THESE THINGS WILL SOMETIMES HAPPEN
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PITY JIMMY LIKES TO SNEAK WINE AND SCOTCH into Blind Betty’s room at night when everyone is asleep. Blind Betty drinks wine or scotch depending on if she is panicking or not. She drinks one for the panics and another between them but I forget which is which. The reason she panics is she is out of her mind crazy and this is what happens to you when you go blind as a kid instead of being born blind as a baby. How we know Blind Betty is out of her mind crazy is she wakes up sometimes crying and shaking and hyperventilating. Every time I see her do it it makes me want to go home on the first bus that’ll take me there. The problem is I don’t know where I am here and I don’t have any money. They haven’t paid me yet and I haven’t asked them when they plan to neither. I don’t think they think it’s any of my business. When I tell this to Pity Jimmy he says these things will sometimes happen. Time was all Pity Jimmy ever said about people is how and when they were born but now after the fancy miracle he talks like a regular person does. I heard him talking to Blind Betty like a regular person one night when he was in her room. Blind Betty was in her bed crying and shaking and Pity Jimmy was talking about some story about Kansas. He had a paper bag in his left hand and there was a bottle of scotch on the nightstand next to the bed. I don’t think either of them knew I was in the doorway watching. That’s the thing with these blindsters, you can spy on them and get away with it most of the time. The only thing you have to do is make sure you don’t stink from the cafeteria food or make any noise. I couldn’t tell what Pity Jimmy was doing with that paper bag and I didn’t want to know neither. I think I thought if he was going to suffocate her I would probably have to stop him. They’d give me what-for if Pity Jimmy suffocated Blind Betty. This is not what we pay you for is what they’d say. I would probably shake my head yes but what I’d think is something else altogether.
DON'T MIND DYIN'
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BLIND BETTY SAYS IF HER MOTHER WAS DEAD she would roll all over her grave but she might be lying about this because she’s a natural born liar. It’s because she don’t have to look anyone in the eye that makes it easy for her. We are spread out on a blanket in some park listening to music when Blind Betty says what she says about her mother. They put us on a bus so we could do this. This is the second time they put us all on a bus since they sent me here to walk these blindsters around land mines and obstacles. Last time Blind Betty said the toxins were toxic and that if we breathed in our lungs would bleed out our earballs. I am supposed to make sure these blindsters don’t crack their heads open but someone else could do this much better I think. Thing about blindsters is they like music more than regular people do I think. Some of them shake their heads and stomp their feet when they listen. They look like Pity Jimmy who always looks like he’s listening to music. He is on my right side and Blind Betty is on my left. It’s best when they don’t sit next to each other because they hate each other’s guts and like to fight sometimes. When they put us on the bus they said it was for music appreciation but they didn’t say what that means. I don’t think they can make all these blindsters appreciate this music if they don’t want to. Half of them look like they don’t care. Blind Betty is one of them talking over the music which she says is an abomination. She’s fingered all the Braille books on American music so she knows about these things she says. She says that country blues should never be played with electric guitars. She says that the worst thing ever to happen to music was when they plugged guitars in for electricity. She says if you don’t come from the Delta ain’t poor black or blind you don’t got no business playing blues. This is when she says what she says about her mother. Blind Betty has told us many stories about her mother and her brother growing up so I almost feel like I know them. Except that her brother died and I think what Blind Betty says about her mother means she is still alive somewhere. Nobody ever comes to visit Blind Betty so you don’t know for sure. Blind Betty’s mother used to would play old blues records on the Victrola for Blind Betty after she went blind. Time was Blind Betty could see like regular people but then she caught that disease in her eyes and went blind. Blind Betty’s mother told her there was plenty of blind people who made something of themselves. She would play the music of blind singers and make Blind Betty listen. Blind Betty told us names like Blind Willie McTell and Blind Lemon Jefferson and Blind Willie Johnson and the Blind Boys of Alabama and Ray Charles who Blind Betty says she liked best. Blind Betty says her mother went out and bought an upright piano for her not long after she went blind. I want to ask her what an upright piano is compared to a regular one but Blind Betty doesn’t like it when you interrupt her. She says she would try to play along with the music but it never sounded right. She says she had a tin ear and she thinks the piano was never in tune anyway. She says her mother wanted to disown her but didn’t because she was blind and that it was bad luck to disown a blind person. There are four men and a woman on the stage playing the music while Blind Betty talks about her mother like this. Blind Betty says she can tell one of them is playing a dobro. I don’t know what a dobro is but I think it might be the guitar that looks like it’s made from tin like Blind Betty’s ear. There are other people sitting on blankets too. None of these others are blind I don’t think. Blind Betty says that her mother was a blues singer before she became Blind Betty’s mother. She says her mother toured the country and played in honkytonks and beer joints. She says she was a traveling minstrel. Blind Betty then tries to sing like her mother used to but it’s hard to listen with the other music going on at the same time. Blind Betty sings something about leaving this morning to ride the blind and then something about feeling mistreated and she don’t mind dyin’. This is the first time I’ve heard Blind Betty try to sing and I’m glad because I don’t think she’s good at it. Pity Jimmy don’t like Blind Betty’s singing neither. He starts hitting himself in the head and crying which makes Blind Betty sing even louder. I think of asking Blind Betty for help but it’s no use. She’s singing louder and louder and I don’t understand a word of it. It’s like she’s trying to sing those musicians off the stage they’re on and back to her mother’s upright piano. The people on the other blankets are looking at us but don’t say anything because Blind Betty and Pity Jimmy are blind and they feel sorry for them. This is when I wish I was back home with my TV and refrigerator. Me I don’t know what an upright piano looks like or how someone can ride a blind or if Blind Betty’s mother is rolling all over her grave. I decide to let Blind Betty sing her blindster heart out even though I’m probably more mistreated than she is and I slide over to where Pity Jimmy is beating himself up. Part of my job is to make sure these blindsters don’t hurt themselves so I grab Pity Jimmy’s arms and soon it’s like we’re wrestling all over the blanket.
CONGRATULATIONS, PITY JIMMY
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PITY JIMMY SAYS THERE'S NOTHING SEXIER THAN A PREGNANT WOMAN. He says this all the time these days so you don’t know if you should believe him. Time was all Pity Jimmy used to say is how and when people were born but then there was the miracle of the protein and from then on he talks like a regular person now. He never did say why his problem was too much protein and I never asked neither. He still rocks back and forth like he is in a rocking chair standing up and he still snaps his fingers without making any snapping sounds even though he talks regular now. Why Pity Jimmy says there’s nothing sexier than a pregnant woman is because one of them other blindsters the one named Janie turned up pregnant last week. They gave me what-for when Janie turned up pregnant which is another reason I don’t like it here and might leave. No matter what happens here I get in trouble for it. This is why I think I might leave in the middle of the night when everyone’s asleep. I would’ve done this already but the problem is I don’t know where I am. They put me on a bus to get here and I didn’t notice what direction the bus was driving is the problem. I think I was on the bus a long time so I might be a long way from home. The other thing is I don’t hav
e any money. If I had money I could find my way home and this way get to watch my TV and eat food from my refrigerator like before. I think they think I had something to do with Janie getting pregnant or else they think it was Pity Jimmy who had something to do with it. Pity Jimmy is always getting people in trouble so it wouldn’t make no difference if it was me or him. In the cafeteria I heard some of them blindsters talking about Janie which is when Pity Jimmy said what he said about pregnant women. I don’t know why Pity Jimmy thinks there’s nothing sexier than a pregnant woman. I don’t think he knows what he’s talking about half the time. If he could see pregnant Janie then he wouldn’t keep saying what he says about her. Pregnant Janie is so fat it looks like she was born pregnant. I don’t know how anyone can tell she got herself pregnant in the first place, Pregnant Janie included. I’ve never seen any blindster have anything to do with Pregnant Janie but I didn’t know I was supposed to keep an eye out for anything neither. Sometimes they don’t always tell me what it is I’m supposed to do. Like when all them blindsters made a big sign in Braille bumps that says Congratulations Pity Jimmy all across it. They made this sign in the cafeteria and spread it out across one of the tables there and it turns out I wasn’t supposed to let them do that. I ran my hands across the sign once to feel what it feels like. I made sure to do this when no one was around even though I knew none of them blindsters could see me anyway. The Braille bumps didn’t feel like anything to me and I couldn’t tell where one letter stopped and the next one started. The sign could’ve been Braille mumbo jumbo and I wouldn’t know the difference. I don’t know if Pity Jimmy is the one who got Pregnant Janie pregnant and I don’t care neither. Although I don’t think he even knows how to get someone pregnant is what I think. Regardless, my job here has nothing to do with anyone getting pregnant. Next day they told me to take the sign and throw it in the fireplace but I took it out to the woodshed instead. I hid the sign behind an old stack of wood against the back wall. Eventually something will happen to Pity Jimmy so we can hang it up somewhere.
MICE GETTING THE POINTS
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BLIND BETTY SAYS IT'S SUNDAY NIGHT AND ALL OF US ARE POOR. She says this sometimes when we are in the cafeteria trying to eat. No one here likes Blind Betty which is why no one answers when she says things like this. What the blindsters do instead is keep eating and hope she doesn’t say anything else which almost never happens. Whenever no one answers Blind Betty will talk about her mother the traveling minstrel or her retard brother and the underground world. Everyone here knows these stories backwards and forwards so I don’t think anyone listens anymore. Pregnant Janie keeps feeding herself chicken and potatoes and Pity Jimmy keeps shaking his head like there’s a gnat flying in his face which is why I think they’re not listening. Out of all the blindsters that don’t like Blind Betty it’s Pity Jimmy that don’t like her best. Pity Jimmy used to would get Blind Betty drunk on white wine and scotch but that almost never happens anymore I don’t think. I’m with Pity Jimmy day and night it seems so if he was still getting her drunk I’d probably know about it. I never knew where Pity Jimmy got the wine and scotch and he never told me neither. They never said nothing about keeping the blindsters from drinking or keeping them from getting pregnant but of course they still gave me what-for when Pregnant Janie turned up pregnant. This is not what we pay you for is what they said but I haven’t been paid by them once yet. I think what it is I do here I do for free and I think there’ll come a time when I’ll sneak off at night when everyone’s asleep so I won’t have to do it no more. I don’t know how I’ll get home because I don’t have any money which is probably why I haven’t snuck off yet. I figure sooner or later they have to give me some money otherwise they might get in trouble. I think what it is they do to me here is illegal. I asked Blind Betty if what they do to me is illegal because Blind Betty fingers all the Braille books on law and order but what she said back was curse words. Then she said that illegal was a sick bird and there wasn’t a hospital for miles. Thing about Blind Betty is you don’t know what she is talking about half the time. Like when she says it’s Sunday night and all of us are poor it’s because she bets money on football games. So in this case everyone includes only Blind Betty herself. I think I heard her on the telephone one time placing a bet. She said something like give me Chicago twenty times and then the person on the other end said something and then Blind Betty said thank you Danny and hung up. I think the Danny she was talking to on the phone was the same Danny who came by to fix the compressor that one time. How Blind Betty knows Danny is she’s friends with Danny’s girlfriend. Danny never said he was a bookie when he was here fixing the compressor but I don’t think anyone asked either. Blind Betty says someday I might have to shoot her in the back of the head for her own good just like George did to Lenny after he killed the rabbits. She says if it ever comes down to it I should take the mice getting the points because men never cover the spread on the road. I don’t know what she means by the mice or the points or who George is and why he shot Lenny but I decide not to ask questions. I tell her that is not what they’ll pay me for when they do finally pay me. This is when she’ll call me a fay gaggot and I’ll tell her that some of us are poor and can’t help it but what I’m thinking is she probably doesn’t mean for me to shoot her anyway.
ENTROPY AND ATROPHY
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PITY JIMMY SAYS HE WANTS TO FATHER A DOZEN CHILDREN BEFORE NIGHTFALL and doesn’t care how many mothers it takes to do it. Pity Jimmy said this in the cafeteria yesterday in front of both Blind Betty and Pregnant Janie. Come lunchtime every day I have to bring Pity Jimmy and Blind Betty and Pregnant Janie to the cafeteria to feed them their lunch. Time was I only had to feed Pity Jimmy and Blind Betty lunch but now it’s Pregnant Janie I have to feed too. I didn’t have to feed Pregnant Janie before she turned up pregnant which is why I think they think I had something to do with it. Otherwise they think it was Pity Jimmy had something to do with it which amounts to the same thing. Anything Pity Jimmy does around here it’s me that gets in trouble for it. This is probably why they said Pregnant Janie is my responsibility now. I’d just come back from filling their plates full of chicken and vegetables when Pity Jimmy said what he said about fathering a dozen children. This is probably why all the blindsters think it’s Pity Jimmy who got Pregnant Janie pregnant in the first place. He also said once there is nothing sexier than a pregnant woman which is probably another reason they think it was Pity Jimmy did this to Pregnant Janie. The thing about Pregnant Janie is I don’t know how anyone can tell she’s pregnant. What I mean to say is that Pregnant Janie has always looked pregnant so I don’t know how anyone can tell the difference. I always have to put more chicken and potatoes and vegetables on her tray and sometimes I have to fill it up two or three times. Seems she eats twice as much as Blind Betty and Pity Jimmy put together. When I tell this to Blind Betty she says it’s normal. She’s fingered all the Braille books on pregnancy so she knows about these things she says. I don’t tell her how Pregnant Janie has always looked pregnant because I don’t like to remind these blindsters they don’t know how anything looks. I made that mistake once when I told Blind Betty where the chicken and potatoes were on her tray. What she said back was curse words and what she said after that was she knew where everything was and she finished by cursing me again. How these blindsters know which is chicken and which is potatoes and vegetables is I always have to put the chicken and potatoes and vegetables in the same spot every time. They have it memorized is another way of saying what I’m saying. This is one of the first things they taught me how to do when I first came here. The chicken goes in the slot they call six o’clock and the vegetables and potatoes go at ten and two. When I tell Blind Betty to leave me alone that I have to make sure to put the chicken and potatoes and vegetables in the proper time slot she says a monkey can do it. This is why I don’t like Blind Betty and why I secretly didn’t mind it when she cracked her head open. Pity Jimmy probably didn’t mind it either but
you can’t tell with him sometimes because he’s blind. He used to would bring Blind Betty scotch and wine for when she had her panics. I never did ask him why he did this and I didn’t want to know neither. My job is to walk these blindsters around obstacles and fill up their lunch trays at lunchtime. After Pity Jimmy said what he said about fathering a dozen children before nightfall Blind Betty said he should name two of them Entropy and Atrophy and raise them up in Istanbul Turkey. In between spoonfuls of potatoes Pregnant Janie said Greek names in Turkey would never fly. This is when all three of them started laughing like they had no control over themselves. I don’t know what Braille books Pregnant Janie fingers to know this because she doesn’t brag about it the way Blind Betty does. I also don’t know what Entropy and Atrophy have to do with Istanbul and Greece but they kept on laughing for twenty minutes and I thought maybe I should laugh too but I didn’t. I think you had to be blind to think this was funny.
