by Robert Lopez
HOW TO MOP A KITCHEN FLOOR
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BLIND BETTY SAYS SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO HAVE FOR DINNER IF THE TV ISN'T WORKING. Then she says this is what it means to be destitute and that all of us are poor here. She’s said this sort of thing before, that we are all of us poor here. I’ve stopped trying to understand what Blind Betty means ever since she cracked her head open that one time so what she says about being poor or about dinner and the TV doesn’t really bother me. The thing is there is no TV here and it’s a tragedy. So she doesn’t have a TV in her room and there’s no way it can’t be working. There’s no explaining this to her because she doesn’t want to hear it. I know this because when I started to explain that she has no choice about dinner and has no TV either she stopped me halfway through saying she didn’t want to hear it. Then she tells me she wants to write a poem called How to Mop a Kitchen Floor. She says there will be words like sponge bucket and grandiloquence in there. She says after that she will do one called How to Shower without Soap that’ll be construction boots and lunch pails. I’ve never seen her try to write a poem before but this is how she is after cracking her head open again. Although I don’t really know how she was before cracking her head open so maybe she’s always been this way regardless. I’m just glad they’ve never asked me to mop the kitchen floor on top of everything else I have to do around here. I don’t bother telling Blind Betty that I’ve never seen a poem the same as construction boots and lunch pails and I don’t think there’s any such word as grandiloquence either.
CONFUSING THE ROACHES
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BLINDY BETTY SAYS DON'T TURN ON THE LIGHT YOU'LL CONFUSE THE ROACHES. Why she says this is because there’s always roaches here and you can only see them late at night when you turn the lights on. When I say you only see them late at night when you turn the lights on what I mean to say is I’m the only one who can see them late at night when I turn the lights on because everyone else in here is blind. This is one way the blindsters here are lucky. They can’t see the roaches on the walls standing still like they are frozen in time. They also can’t see the roaches crawling fast across the bathroom floor. Trouble is you can’t step on the roaches because you aren’t supposed to make noise late at night while everyone is trying to sleep. The first time I tried to step on the roaches I woke Pity Jimmy up and he cried like a blind baby. They gave me what-for when that happened. They said this is not what we pay you for even though they haven’t paid me once yet. I think what it is I do here I do for free including not stepping on the roaches. I think I must’ve told Blind Betty about the roaches one time because the roaches don’t make any sound when they are crawling across the bathroom floor or hiding frozen against a wall. I don’t ask Blind Betty why she doesn’t want to confuse the roaches because what she’ll say back is curse words and I don’t think she even knows in the first place. I don’t think Blind Betty has ever fingered any Braille books on roaches so there’s no way for her to know about them. This is how I have the power over Blind Betty maybe for the first time ever. There’s no way for her to know about the roaches unless it’s I’m the one who tells her.
THE MIDDLE OF TIMBUKTU
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I AM ALMOST FINALLY ASLEEP when I hear Pity Jimmy say he’s gonna whittle me into kindling come morning time. My room is right next door to Pity Jimmy’s which is why I can hear him say things late at night when the both of us should be sleeping. This room next to Pity Jimmy’s has no closet to hang clothes in and no windows to look out of. The only thing you would see out of a window is the woodshed so not having a window to look out of doesn’t bother me too much. I hate it when they send me out to the shed for wood to burn and Pity Jimmy knows it. This is why he says he’s gonna whittle me into kindling late at night when the two of us should be sleeping. He says this also when I come in from the shed with a pile full of wood in my arms. I’ve never seen Pity Jimmy whittle anything into anything so this is almost like when he says how I was born in the middle of monkey in the middle. Time was this is all Pity Jimmy would ever say but since the protein miracle he talks like a regular person now except for you can’t understand him. What Pity Jimmy never talks about is his room which is bigger and better than mine. Pity Jimmy has both a closet and windows but I guess they think I don’t need those things. I have to keep my extra clothes in a valise I keep under the bed. I think I have two extra shirts and an extra pair of pants in the valise but I never have to wear them because they give me clothes to wear every two or three days. I haven’t opened up that valise since that first night I put it under the bed. The pants and shirt they give me are always gray and are always too baggy for me to wear right. I have to fold the pants over and down onto my hips because I forgot to pack a belt in my valise when I left home. I never needed a belt before because my old pants always fit me right which is why I forgot to pack a belt in the first place. The shirt I button up to the top button because there’s no reason not to. Even buttoning the shirt up this way leaves my neck plenty of room so it could never feel like I’m being strangled. I tried to trick Pity Jimmy once into wearing these clothes but it didn’t work. What I did was I went into his closet and took his shirt and pants from their hangers and hung up my baggy shirt and pants in their places. Pity Jimmy is even smaller than I am so he’d look like an even bigger idiot in my clothes which isn’t why I did it I don’t think. I wanted to wear my own clothes and thought maybe I could get away with it since most everyone here is blind. After I made the switch I went back into my room and waited for Pity Jimmy to get himself dressed. The problem is I chickened out before I could see if he would know the difference. I didn’t want them to give me what-for when they saw Pity Jimmy in my idiot clothes. They might think I did this as revenge on Pity Jimmy because he keeps me up at night. This is not what we pay you for is what they’d say and I’d have to shake my head yes and look sorry. I’d rather have Pity Jimmy whittle me into kindling than have to hear them tell me this one more time. That’s the thing with Pity Jimmy, no matter what you do with him you get in trouble for it. This is one of the maybe ten thousand reasons home is better than here. Another of those reasons is how cold it is here all the time. Back home we never had to burn wood to keep warm and we didn’t need a shed to keep wood in neither. Back home it was never cold like this. This is why I think I might be at the North Pole up here. Or else it’s Timbuktu and nobody knows it. That’s where people on my TV always were when they didn’t know where it was they were. One of them would be lost and another would say they were in the middle of Timbuktu. I don’t know if it is supposed to be cold in Timbuktu but it wouldn’t surprise me if it is. This is what makes me wonder how long I was on that bus for when they first brought me here. It probably takes days to bus all the way to the North Pole or Timbuktu. I should’ve paid attention is what I think. I should’ve realized this was something I’d need to remember because if I knew for sure I was in Timbuktu then I might know how to get back.
HALFTIME NO HEAT HALFTIME NO HOT WATER
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BLIND BETTY SAYS IN CASE OF EMERGENCY DIAL 9-1-1 and then when no one answers she says exactly what is my mother going to do. Blind Betty isn’t talking to anyone in particular which almost never stops her from going on and on with herself regardless. She and the rest of the blindsters are fingering papers on the cafeteria table and I am sitting between her and Pity Jimmy while they do this. I don’t know what the papers are for but they have the same Braille bumps that are in the books Blind Betty is always fingering. Pity Jimmy doesn’t have any papers to finger which isn’t unusual. I think I understand the Braille bumps as good as he does which is probably another reason I have to keep an eye out special for him though they never said anything about that being another reason. What they tell me is I have to walk him around obstacles and take him back and forth to the cafeteria and give him his pills so he won’t fall on the floor and convulse and swallow his tongue and die. The way I remember which pills to give him in what order is green go fast an
d bluebonnet home which is a mnemonic device Blind Betty taught me. I don’t know if it was her job to give Pity Jimmy his pills before it became my job to do this but she knows about these things regardless. Another thing she knows is about betting on football games. I think she calls that Danny boy on the phone every weekend to bet on the games because the one time I heard her on the phone she said thank you Danny right before hanging up. She said things like give me the Bears twenty times and give me State and the over for a nickel. This Danny boy was the one who came in to fix the compressor last month but left without so much as even looking at the compressor. They said the compressor was my responsibility and I know I haven’t done anything about fixing it which is why I think it’s probably still broken. They haven’t said anything about the compressor for a while now so I don’t even care about it anymore. Blind Betty is friends with Danny’s girlfriend is how I knew about Danny in the first place and how I called him to come over and fix the compressor that one time which he never did. This Danny boy had an earring in his ear and a crew-cut and a goatee and looked like the way bookies do though I didn’t realize it at the time. I never seen a bookie in real life but on my TV the bookies usually looked like this Danny boy with the goatee and earring. I ain’t seen a bookie or anything else on TV since they sent me here. Blind Betty has a radio in her room so she can listen to the football games but it isn’t the same as a TV. This past Sunday Pity Jimmy and me was in her room listening to the game between Dallas and Chicago. I think Blind Betty bet money on Chicago because she was screaming and yelling every time they did something good. Whenever Dallas did something good she’d curse them and throw something at either me or Pity Jimmy. I’d tell her to stop it even though it was only a pillow she’d throw most of the time. This is when she called us both fay gaggots and Pity Jimmy started to shake his head to kill the gnats flying all around there. Right then the radio announcer said something like we go to halftime with the score tied and Pity Jimmy said halftime no heat halftime no hot water. Both Blind Betty and me laughed when Pity Jimmy said this but I don’t know what for. I don’t think he meant it to be funny but you can’t tell with him sometimes because he’s blind. Blind Betty went into the bathroom because it was halftime and I stayed with Pity Jimmy. I didn’t ask him what he meant by halftime no heat halftime no hot water because why bother. What I think he meant is that it’s always cold here and half the time there’s no heat and the other half the time there’s no hot water. I’m not sure this is exactly true but it’s probably close. This is why they always send me out to the shed for wood to burn and why they wanted me to get Danny to fix the compressor which I think is still broken anyway. This is also why I think Blind Betty says in case of emergency dial 9-1-1 because we might all freeze to death here. I’m not sure why she said what she said about her mother the traveling minstrel but that’s not unusual either. Blind Betty talks about her mother and the underground world and her retard brother whenever she feels like it. I always like to hear about the underground world even though I don’t think it’s the opposite of the aboveground world and I don’t even believe in it either. There’s no way dandelions are the trees underground and if you were smart in one world you’d be a retard in the other. But sometimes I think if it is true then it might explain what I’m doing here. Maybe underground there’s someone walking me around obstacles and taking me back and forth to the cafeteria every day for breakfast lunch and dinner. Maybe it’s Pity Jimmy who has to go to the shed for wood to burn and Blind Betty has to give me green and blue pills. Pregnant Janie is the one who fixes compressors and is a bookie on the side and Danny boy shakes his head like there’s a gnat flying in his face. This is when I wonder if the papers they’re fingering are supposed to be a last will and testament of some kind because we’re all going to die here. I also wonder what’s the opposite of freezing to death and maybe this is how Blind Betty’s brother died in the underground world. When I ask Blind Betty how her brother died all she says back is that it wasn’t unexpected. She never says how he died which makes me think she probably killed him and got away with it. Me I don’t think it matters if it was expected or if it was Blind Betty who killed him and got away with it. We are all of us here freezing to death so it doesn’t even matter what happens. I think the underground me probably doesn’t think it matters neither.
YES AND NO AND MAYBE SO
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BLIND BETTY SAYS YES MARRIED NO INSTEAD OF MAYBE SO. She says this around midnight which is when the roaches haven’t come outside to play yet. You can only see the roaches late at night when you turn the lights on. When I say you only see them late at night when you turn the lights on what I mean to say is I’m the only one who sees them late at night when I turn the lights on because everyone else in here is blind. This night it’s my job to bring Blind Betty her medicine so she can go to sleep before the roaches come out to play. There’s no way to hear the roaches when they are out playing but even still they don’t want Blind Betty up late regardless. When the roaches are hiding they hide behind the walls and this is why I’m supposed to spray all over and between everything. I do this even though this is another thing they don’t pay me for. Another thing they don’t me for is to bring Blind Betty her medicine so she’ll sleep through the night the same way the roaches sleep through the day. What’s funny is I spray the roaches during the day but they don’t want me to spray Blind Betty during the night. I think I’d do that for free if they asked. I don’t know what she means when she says Yes married No instead of Maybe So but I think I can almost make sense of it.
CHOP SUEY
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BLIND BETTY SAYS PEOPLE IN NEW YORK CITY used to would call Chinese food chop suey instead of calling it Chinese food like everyone else in the world. She says one New Yorker would say to another you want to go for chop suey and the other one would say sure and they both knew what each other meant. Blind Betty doesn’t say when people would say this but I don’t ask about it because Blind Betty doesn’t like it when you interrupt her. Blind Betty’s fingered all the Braille books on Chinese food and New York City so she knows about these things she says. Why Blind Betty is talking about Chinese food is because we are in the cafeteria for lunch and she is sick of the food here. If they ever did have Chinese food up at the counter I wouldn’t fill up Blind Betty’s tray for her regardless. I wouldn’t put the chop in the six o’clock or the suey at ten and two. I wouldn’t give her chop suey even if they gave me what for about it because what does it even matter here. Maybe if they ever paid me I’d do it but probably not even then. Even then I think I’d give her the chicken and potatoes and vegetables instead of chop suey.
ME CHINESE
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SOMETIMES I WONDER WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF PITY JIMMY DIED. Out of all these blindsters it’s Pity Jimmy seems likeliest to turn up dead which is probably why they tell me to keep an eye out special for him. If you give Pity Jimmy the wrong pills in the wrong order he will fall down and have convulsions and swallow his tongue and die. Every time I give Pity Jimmy his pills I wait for him to fall on the floor and do what Blind Betty says he’ll do. Sometimes I think if Pity Jimmy died they might let me go home. I haven’t been home since they sent me here to walk these blindsters around obstacles and take them back and forth to the cafeteria. Yesterday it was in the cafeteria when Pity Jimmy tried to kill me himself. I think maybe he thinks if something happens to me then he’ll be better off. I was coming back to our table after refilling Pity Jimmy’s tray full of French fries and Blind Betty’s full of vegetables when I saw him holding my drinking glass. I sat down next to him and he put the glass down and started shaking his head to kill the gnats. I waited for him to say something about protein or monkeys but instead he eats his French fries one at a time like it’s nothing. This is when I asked him what he did and what he said back was me Chinese me play joke me put blue pills in your coke. Things about Pity Jimmy is I seen him try to kill before so none of it surprises me. I caught him trying to smother Blin
d Betty with a paper bag one time when she was drunk. Pity Jimmy used to would bring Blind Betty scotch and white wine for when she had the panics. That one time he tried to kill Blind Betty I stopped him by yanking the paper bag from his hands and off Blind Betty’s face. I didn’t tell them that Pity Jimmy was a killer because it’d be me that would’ve been in trouble for it. This is not what we pay you for they’d say. This is what they always say even though they haven’t even paid me once yet. They’d say this if Pity Jimmy killed someone else or if he got killed off himself so it wouldn’t matter is what I think. Pity Jimmy is always getting people in trouble which is why it probably doesn’t matter what happens to him and why I might never get back home again either way.
THE TURN WORMING
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