Rocked

by M. L. Young

“Okay, you have a good day,” he said.

  “You too, babe. I’ll talk to you soon,” I said.

  “Alright, goodbye,” he said, hanging up.

  I felt a knot in my stomach, the kind of knot that made me want to jump on a plane and go back to him. Not because I missed him, though I did, but because I was just worried. He wasn’t sounding or acting like himself. Maybe I should just chalk it up to rehearsal and jet lag. Maybe he was busy at practice or something, I didn’t know. He’d be okay, I just had to tell myself that.

  “Hey, how was your trip?” Regan asked as I walked through the front door.

  With empty Chinese boxes on the counter and the place smelling like a Moo-shu nightmare, I couldn’t even be mad with how tired I was. “It went well,” I said, forgoing the news.

  She didn’t seem to know; either the tabloids hadn’t printed it or she just hadn’t seen it yet, which made things easier for me. I didn’t want to talk about it, about his father, and I knew it’d just be awkward because I never even met the guy.

  “You have class today?” she asked.

  “Yeah, I have to be there in an hour or so. I have to take a quick shower before I’m late,” I said, toting my bags to my room.

  I unpacked a little, tossing my dirty clothes in the hamper, before washing off the germs and stink of the plane. Now awake, I said goodbye to Regan and rushed off to class, my assignments all finished and reading done. It was like I’d never even left the country at all.

  •••

  Later that night, as Regan and I caught up on the Real Housewives of Orange County, my phone buzzed, a text message showing up from Percy, whose number I got before I left England just in case anything happened.

  “Hey, this is Percy, have you heard from Kai lately?” he wrote.

  “No, I haven’t. Is everything okay?” I asked, worried.

  “He just hasn’t been answering his phone and isn’t in his room. I’m sure it’s nothing, sorry to disturb you,” he said.

  “Please keep me updated, and I’ll let you know if I get ahold of him,” I said, setting my phone down.

  “Sexting with Kai?” Regan asked.

  “No, no sexting over here,” I said, acting the part.

  Worried, I kept my phone in my hand in case anything came through. I hoped he was okay.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Kai

  I wandered in a haze around Hackney, a borough of London that I’d become all too familiar with a few years back. Though it wasn’t as rough as it might’ve been back then, I knew I could always count on my usual supply and a good quality at that.

  “Ay, rocker boy, fancy a gram?” one guy said, his teeth rotted, as he chuckled with a friend.

  I kept my head down, my urge feeling too strong to ignore, as the barking of big dogs rang in the background. I found the place, the muted red door with paint chips falling off standing empty on a side street. I knocked three times, and a slide opened above to check who I was. It closed quickly, and I heard the chains unlock and the door open. “Come,” the man said.

  I walked inside. The room was dimly lit, probably for their own security. A face appeared from behind a curtain. “Never thought I’d see you back around here,” he said, in neither a friendly nor apprehensive way.

  “Yeah, well, I am,” I said, my hands in my pockets.

  “How much?” he asked.

  “A gram, but not that cheap shit you sell to guys on the street. I can’t deal with that stuff,” I said.

  “Only the best for you, Mr. Jackson,” he said. “One moment.”

  The man, who I’d only ever known as Smithy, went back behind the curtain as the man who answered the door sat on a bar stool behind me, guarding the door and likely making sure I wasn’t going to do anything stupid, which I wasn’t, though I guess being here was stupid.

  I couldn’t resist my urge any longer, though. My father dying triggered something in me, something strong, and that drink the other night, and the subsequent ones since, made me realize how much I missed having those vices in my life. I knew I could control it—or control myself, rather, and I intended on it. Nobody but me needed to know, not Percy, not the guys, and definitely not Bianca. This was my secret to bear.

  “Right, here you are, mate, a gram of my finest powder,” he said, handing me a little baggie.

  “How much?” I asked.

  “Two hundred quid should do it,” he said with a smirk.

  “That’s robbery, and you know it,” I said.

  “Take it or leave it, I don’t care. You obviously came here because you wanted the best. Shame to walk out those doors and get the shit corporate kind in Kensington that’s cut to death,” he said.

  “Fine,” I said, pulling out two hundred-pound notes and putting them in his hand.

  “We make deliveries now, if you ever get that itch late at night in your hotel,” he said with a grin.

  “I’ll keep that in mind,” I said shortly.

  “You want to do some here?” he asked.

  “Excuse me?” I replied.

  “Well, shame to wait an hour until you get back to get your fix. Can’t go and just do it on the street, you know,” he said.

  “I don’t need to,” I said.

  “That foot shaking the way it has says otherwise. Take a quarter and then be on your way. It’ll help the urge on the way home,” he said.

  He was right, I did want to take a hit, but I hated to think of doing it here. Almost like eating a five-star meal in the kitchen with the dirty dishes instead of out in the dining room.

  “One hit,” I said.

  “You know what, keep your bag, this one’s on me. Tell your friends,” he said, pulling out another bag from his pocket.

  He cut it on the table with a razor, a thin, white line waiting for me. I looked at it, not having been so close to it in a while, as a flurry of thoughts flew through my mind. I salivated, not wanting to do it but unable to resist the temptation. I sat down in the old wooden chair he’d set out for me.

  He took a snort, letting out a sigh of relief and leaning back in the chair. As if a cruel temptress was seducing me, I quickly did it, without caution, and I felt the relief that I’d been seeking to numb my pain. I leaned back in my chair, feeling both a load off and an intense jolt of energy as my fears and qualms seemed to melt from my body. “See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” he asked.

  I got up, feeling as if I’d drunk a giant energy drink, before the guy opened the door for me. As I left I heard Smithy laughing in the background. “See you soon,” he yelled, before the door closed and the echoing of the locks could be heard down the street.

  I kept close to myself on the ride home, hailing a cab and telling him the name of my hotel. Sweat started to form at my brow. He looked at me in the mirror, but didn’t say a word, and I felt my heart rate increasing. I both loved and hated it at the same time. I tapped my right foot against the floor, listening to his loud and eclectic radio as the lights of downtown burned into my brain.

  I felt the baggie in my pocket, paranoid that I’d left it behind or dropped it somewhere along the way. I needed it, this tiny one-gram bag that felt like nothing in my sweaty palm. I wished I’d gotten more.

  Tweaked, I paid the cabbie and got out, walking into my hotel as the front desk greeted me. I nodded at them, sniffing as I did so, before passing by a mirror in the elevator lobby and seeing a small amount of white powder against my nostril. I cleaned it away vigorously, paranoid that everybody had been looking at it, before the elevators opened. Percy was inside.

  “Kai, where have you been? We’ve been looking all over for you! The police were called!” he exclaimed.

  “You called the cops?” I asked, looking towards the lobby.

  “Are you okay? You’re sweating,” he said.

  “I’m hot, this coat is wool,” I said, stepping into the elevator.

  “I’m just glad you’re okay,” he said, getting in with me.

  “You can call the cops an
d say I’m fine. I just needed some air, I like to walk around, you know? It’s nice to walk around the city and see the people and all the places and everything,” I said.

  “Yeah, take it easy, I’ll tell them,” he said.

  “I’m going to bed, I need to sleep. I really feel tired,” I said as the doors opened and I rushed towards my room.

  Percy didn’t follow me, thank god, and I ran into my room and locked as many locks as possible on the door before ripping off my coat and shoes. I fumbled to pull the bag out of my pocket before I tossed it on the table, pacing back and forth like I was going to set fire to the carpet.

  I stared at it, its image burning into my mind, before I took a cup and covered it up so I didn’t have to look at it anymore. Then I couldn’t stand it any longer and took the cup off, feeling relieved that it was still there. My hands jittery, I pulled out a credit card from my wallet and opened the bag.

  I poured out a small amount, not too much, and started to swirl it around the table, the specks of white residue on the black table looking like snowflakes on pavement. I tried to stop myself, truly I did, but I couldn’t. I snorted it all, like it was air and I was gasping for a breath, before I felt the hit again.

  I fell backwards on the bed, my hands on my chest, the covers askew around me. I closed my eyes, my mouth open, and felt the euphoria. I was getting high, higher than high, and I felt like I wanted this all the time.

  What had I done?

  Chapter Fifteen

  Bianca

  Ten days had passed and things didn’t get any easier. Kai was still out of it, not talking to me all that much, or at least as much as I’d hoped he would when I left, and he seemed distant. He was always slurring his speech a little, mumbling, and just not sounding or acting like himself. I chalked it up to him being stressed and on tour, but I still worried, especially after smelling the booze on his breath that night in the hotel.

  He told me he was fine, and that he wasn’t doing stuff again, but no matter how hard I tried to believe it, I couldn’t. It all added up that he was drinking again, and I just hoped he was controlling it and not going out of control like he used to.

  Even though I was a little upset about it, I felt like I couldn’t blame him for his actions. Sure, he was a grown man and he could make his own decisions, good or bad, but he was a broken man at the same time. He had addictions and vices in the past that hurt him, and losing his father really devastated him in a way that I didn’t think anyone saw coming. He didn’t even go to the funeral; I guess he couldn’t, being in Europe, but he didn’t try to make an effort. Maybe he felt like he couldn’t bear to see his father in that casket or be around his family he barely talked to or saw. Maybe he just had no interest in him anymore. I didn’t know why.

  I sat in class, trying to just take notes and not worry about it, knowing that I’d talk to him later tonight before his show, but I already had a headache from crying this morning, and my professor’s monotone wasn’t helping the situation at all. I wondered how much a plane ticket to Paris cost, where he was now.

  I skipped my last class, an optional lecture, to go home and lie down. With my lights off I let out a sigh, holding the back of my hand against my eyes to block out what little light came through my closed window, and let my tiredness take over me.

  I awoke suddenly, not sure how much time had passed, though the light seemed to have left my window from this afternoon. My phone rang and lit up as I picked it up. “Hello?” I answered.

  “Hey,” Kai said, and a smile came onto my face.

  “Hey, what’s up? Show soon?” I asked.

  “Yeah, we’re just getting dressed now. What are you up to?” he asked.

  He sounded relatively normal, albeit energized, too energized, though I was just happy to have him answering and talking to me like a normal person. “I was just lying down, I have a headache today.”

  “Aw, I’m sorry to hear that. Wish I were there to make it better. Maybe a kiss or two,” he said.

  “That sounds like the best thing in the world right now. I miss you,” I said.

  “I miss you too, babe. Wish you were here with me,” he said.

  We chatted for a quick ten minutes before he told me that the show was starting and he had to go. I wanted to whine and ask him for another few minutes, but I could hear the people in the background telling him he had to go. We said our goodbyes, a thousand things popping into my head that I wanted to tell him, but I didn’t get the chance. I guess Laura was right about how hard it could be to date a guy in a band. And it would be weeks, at the earliest, before I could see him again. With school closing in and finals and my thesis paper coming closer, I couldn’t really afford to fly back out there, even if he did pay for it again. I felt trapped.

  When he hung up I pulled the phone away from my ear and sat up in bed. I opened my photos, scrolling through ones Kai and I took together in London in front of Buckingham Palace and from the hotel room. I smiled, my butterflies fluttering as I knew that soon I’d get all of this again. I would see him before I knew it.

  “I heard you talking to someone in there. Kai?” Regan asked as she made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

  “Yeah, it was pretty short and sweet. Kind of sucks,” I said.

  “It’s cute that you miss him like this. I like seeing you like this,” she said.

  “What, miserable?” I asked.

  “No! In love,” she said with a smile.

  “We haven’t said that yet,” I said.

  “No, maybe not, but you love him, that’s for sure. Or at least you’re falling for him pretty hard,” she said.

  “I am not!” I said shyly.

  “You talk about him all the time, talk to him all the time, and want to spend so much time with him. You can’t tell me that you don’t love him, you just can’t,” she said, licking the knife clean.

  “Okay, maybe I do those things, but saying ‘I love you’ is a monstrously big step,” I said.

  “One you may be ready for the next time you see him. You’re officially dating now, and you have been for a little while, so it’s not crazy to think in a month you’d be taking that next step. When you know, you know,” she said.

  I couldn’t be embarrassed or mad at her. I did think I was falling for Kai, and it scared me. The last guy I loved crushed me. He cheated on me with three different women, all my friends from back home, friends at the time at least, before I found out. I’d dated since then out here, but never anything super serious. I felt like after that moment I didn’t deserve to love anybody, or rather receive anyone’s love. My relationship with my father didn’t really help the situation, either. He was horrible, though he had his moments of glory where I thought in my infinite kid wisdom that he was fine now and things would be how they were supposed to be. He always relapsed, though, and things were never okay. A twelve-pack of cheap piss-water beer a night wasn’t the sign of a healthy or okay man. Even alcoholics in town looked at him and ducked their heads. He made everybody else look normal.

  “Well, in any circumstance, I’m just glad you’ve found a man you can be with and love. You deserve it,” she said.

  “Hey, can I talk to you about something?” I asked, the demeanor of my voice shifting.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked, sensing my discomfort.

  “Well, I don’t think it’s anything, but I just need to vent it to somebody I can trust,” I said.

  “You can always trust me, B, always,” she said.

  “I think Kai relapsed,” I said, looking ashamed.

  “He’s doing drugs again?” she asked, shocked.

  “No, not that, alcohol. I smelled it on his breath when I saw him last, and he’s had some moments on the phone where he sounded a little drunk or tipsy,” I said.

  “Have you asked him about it?” she asked.

  “When I was with him I brought it up and he went nuts, but he quickly apologized after I started crying. I’m too afraid to say anything to him about i
t,” I said.

  “Shit, I don’t know what to say to that. Maybe he is again, then. Is it a deal-breaker for you?” she asked.

  “No, yes, I don’t know. I don’t want it to be. He’s been sober for a while, so I know he can do it and be happy, but I think touring and his father dying just threw a wrench in things. He wasn’t even remotely close to his father, kind of like how I am with mine, but it affected him to his core,” I said.

  “Some people are like that and react like that. Maybe knowing he can never mend things or talk to him again, or even yell at him again, triggered this desire to drink and numb his pain and feelings,” she said.

  “Yeah, you’re probably right. I just know things can’t be fixed with his drinking right now, with the tour and all,” I said.

  “If you think he’s still doing it when you see him again, I’d talk to him about it calmly. Maybe his band mates or manager will have seen him doing it or sense that he’s been drinking again,” she said.

  “Yeah, well, thanks for talking to me about this. You’re always the best person when it comes to this stuff,” I said.

  “What can I say,” she said, chewing her food, “I have a knack for advice-giving.”

  I giggled, she looked ridiculous right now. I got up and went back into my room to continue working on my thesis paper. I just needed to drown myself in my work and focus on nothing else. It was the best thing for me right now.

  As my fingers hit the keyboard and I intently watched the letters and words litter my computer screen, I felt a sense of calm that I hadn’t felt in days.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Kai

  It was getting harder to conceal my secret from the people I worked with.

  They always wanted to know where I was going, seeing that I’d ditched them so many times since we came to Europe, and I was running out of good excuses. There were only so many times I could go out for a walk to clear my head, especially when we were going to different cities in different countries. We were in Amsterdam now, going to Paris tomorrow night, and I just wanted to find something that could take the edge off.