Uncanny Kingdom: An Eleven Book Urban Fantasy Collection (Uncanny Kingdom Omnibus 1)

by David Bussell

  ‘Annie?’

  I moved toward the side of the bed. Her eyes were closed. Unconscious or sleeping, I wasn’t sure.

  Her face was badly bruised, one of her arms in a cast. Had there been another attempt to grab her soul? It could, of course, just have been a coincidence. People are hit by cars all the time.

  ‘Jo-Joe…?’

  Annie’s eyes fluttered open, her cracked lips parting to speak again, before receding into a grimace of pain.

  ‘Hey, it’s okay, I’m here.’

  I dragged a chair over and sat by her side as she struggled into a semi-seated position and reached for the plastic cup of tepid water sat on the bedside table.

  ‘What happened? Why did you leave the flat?’

  ‘I had work. I don’t know, I was stupid.’

  She reached out the hand that wasn’t in plaster and gripped my arm, as though she were holding onto a life belt in the middle of a stormy sea.

  ‘It’s okay, I’m here, they didn’t get you. It was, you know, “them”, I take it?’

  Annie nodded.

  ‘One of them almost won. Almost took me out and claimed my soul.’

  ‘But they didn’t, you’re still here. You’re still alive.’

  ‘I’m never going to see my daughter again, am I? I’m never going to hold Millie, never going to hear her laugh, ever again.’

  ‘Don’t talk like that, they haven’t won yet. You’ll see your daughter again, I promised you, didn’t I?’

  Yeah, I’d promised alright. I had no right, but I’d gone ahead and done it anyway. Would I have done that if she hadn’t been a mother? If I hadn’t experienced the love that dead magician had for her daughter? Maybe, maybe not. But it felt a little like the sensation of that love had infected me a little. Seeped deep into my bones. I didn’t just want to protect Annie, I felt like I had to protect her daughter, too. I didn’t want a child growing up without her mum on my conscience.

  ‘I’m frightened, Joe.’

  ‘I know. Me too.’

  I could feel her trembling as she held onto me, and my stomach twisted. All she had was a life of fear ahead of her, and a short life at that the way things were going. And there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing Eva could do either. The bad guys were going to get her. She was going to die and Millie, her kid, was going to grow up with barely a memory of her mum.

  Well.

  Unless I did something massively stupid and epically dangerous. Something that would, yes, save Annie as I’d promised, would let her go back to her life, her child, but put me right in the firing line with no clear exit points marked.

  I thought about the dead magician one more time. How that love burned.

  Crap.

  ‘Annie, I think I have a way to get you out of this.’

  Crap crap crap.

  Annie’s eyes widened and she sat forward sharply, wincing in pain as her body let her know how much of a mistake that sudden movement was, considering her recent car-to-body experience.

  ‘Really? You can help after all?’

  ‘Sure,’ I said, as nonchalantly as I could while my knees were knocking and my heart racing, ‘I said I would help, didn’t I? I’m not one to disappoint a lady. Well, that’s not true, but not on this occasion.’

  A tear escaped and raced down Annie’s cheek. She leaned forward as best she could and hugged me.

  ‘Okay, no need for that, just doing my job,’ I said.

  ‘What is it? Some sort of magic spell?’

  ‘Yep. Well, sort of. I’m not entirely sure.’

  ‘Oh. Okay.’

  ‘Basically, you can’t cancel your contract with the demons, but you can pass the debt on. Pass it on to someone willing to take what you’re offering, at least.’

  Annie looked a little confused. ‘You’re saying you’d take on my debt?’

  ‘Yep,’ I said, my voice something of a squeak. I cleared my throat and tried again. ‘Yes. Yep. I will take on your debt, and problem solved. No more animal attacks, no more dodgy drivers.’

  ‘But wouldn’t that just make them all turn their attention to you?’

  Please don’t point out the terrifying, stupid flaw in all of this.

  ‘Yes, well, there is that, but don’t worry, I’m not like you. I’m a warlock, remember, and I know lots of other magic… stuff. And people. They wouldn’t help a non-magic person like you, but they will me. Honest. No worries.’

  Annie didn’t look like she was buying a word of it, which wasn’t surprising, as I’m such a terrible liar.

  ‘I don’t want to be responsible for your death, Joe. This is my fault.’

  ‘Death? Who’s dying? Trust me, all will be well. Or are you happy with the constant stream of close shaves you’re currently enjoying? Happy with Millie never seeing you again?’

  Annie wrestled for a moment.

  ‘Trust me. I’m a witch. I poop demons for breakfast.’

  ‘That’s a strange way to phrase that.’

  ‘Shall we?’ I said, holding out my hands.

  ‘How do we do it?’

  ‘Not sure, I thought we might just hold hands and, I don’t know, you could offer me the debt, and I could accept, and we’ll see how it goes.’

  Annie reached out toward me, then pulled away. ‘Promise me you can solve this. That you can have the debt cancelled.’

  ‘Cross my heart and hope to not die.’

  ‘I mean it, I don’t want to be responsible for anyone’s death.’

  Me neither, though I have at least three on my record so far.

  ‘Trust me. No one is dying.’

  I waggled my open hands and Annie reached out, grasping them, wincing a little as her injuries complained at all the movement.

  ‘So what now?’ she asked.

  Well, what indeed. I was winging this, after all.

  ‘Well, offer me the debt.’

  ‘Just that, just offer?’

  ‘I am playing this part a little by ear, but yeah. Offer.’

  ‘Okay. Okay. Joseph Lake, will you take on my debt?’

  The lights in the room dimmed a little, and I could swear I could hear the sound of flames crackling way down in the mix.

  ‘Do you hear that?’ asked Annie.

  ‘I hear it. Okay. It’s working, I think. Ask me again.’

  ‘Joseph Lake, will you take on my debt?’

  ‘Yes,’ I replied. ‘Yes, I will. I would really like and want it. Please. Thank you.’

  We each pulled back with a sudden cry as our hands unleashed a painful shock.

  ‘Was that it?’ asked Annie. ‘Is it done, did it work?’

  I closed my eyes, holding my hands tight to my chest. I could feel something new and uncomfortable inside of me. Something that hadn’t been there before.

  ‘Do you feel different?’ I asked.

  Annie looked confused for a second, then her face brightened. ‘Yeah. Yeah, I do. Sort of, lighter. Like I had something inside of me all this time, something uncomfortable and I didn’t really even notice I’d had it there for so long.’

  ‘Yup. I have that now. Either I’m about to have a heart attack, or it worked.’

  Annie smiled and, despite the pain, insisted on leaning forward to hug me.

  ‘Thank you, Joe. Thank you for saving my life.’

  19

  As I left, I wondered how long it would take before a demon made an attempt on my life. Yes, I felt somewhat heroic. Somewhat good about myself. What had happened with Chloe had been necessary, or it had seemed so at the time, but it had left me with no satisfaction. All that had given me was a mix of guilt, sadness, and heartbreak.

  But this?

  This was a purely good thing. I was a witch of the Cumbrian Coven, tasked with helping the people of the Lakes when they were threatened by the Uncanny, by monsters, and I’d done my job. I’d made sure that a little girl would get to grow up with her mum by her side. Just me, off my own back.

  Unfortunately, even this unself
ish and proper act wasn’t something I could enjoy, as I was absolutely, completely, and totally crapping my pants over it.

  Evening was approaching as I left the hospital to drive and meet Eva and Maya. I found myself twitchy, on edge. My head bopped this way and that, expecting the worst to come my way at any moment.

  It had worked, the transfer of debt, I just knew it. I felt it, sitting inside of me. I now owed my soul to an unknown number of demons. A rabble of rotten, all squabbling over who would be the one to claim me for an eternity of torment.

  Eva had said there was no way out of it. All you could do was pass it on. I wondered if the Red Woman would agree with her.

  After perhaps the slowest drive I have ever taken—nervously keeping below the speed limit, waving other annoyed drivers past—I arrived at the stone circle’s location to find both Eva and Maya already there.

  ‘You’re late, idiot,’ noted Eva.

  ‘Sorry.’

  ‘Apology not accepted.’

  ‘Good, because actually I’m not sorry. I was at the hospital with Annie who was almost killed earlier.’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Who? Who?!’

  ‘Okay,’ said Maya, stepping between myself and Eva, ‘I don’t know what all this is about, but we’ve got an investigation to get on with, so get your heads out of your arses and let’s get on with it.’

  It’s not often I lose my temper, and I admit to feeling a little weird about it. It didn’t suit me.

  As Maya walked off ahead to the exact location of the apparently invisible stone circle, Eva stepped into line beside me.

  ‘You didn’t do anything stupid, did you?’

  ‘What? No, of course not. Nope.’

  ‘Good.’

  ‘Sorry about the whole…’ I mimed my little moment of crossness.

  ‘Oh, was that you being angry? Huh. You know, in the past, decades ago, you really used to get pissed off. I mean, your temper was the stuff of legend.’

  ‘Really? That doesn’t sound like me.’

  ‘To be fair, you don’t sound like you. Not the real you. The other you.’

  ‘What did I get angry about?’

  ‘Mostly Lyna and Melodia.’

  The other witches. The ones I murdered.

  ‘Why, what did they used to do?’

  ‘Oh, you were like family. No, you were family. But you were the oldest, by a few hundred years, so they were like your annoying younger sisters. Big brothers always get pissed off with their bratty younger siblings.’

  It was strange to hear Eva being so open with me about something from my past. So lucid, too. No divergence, no swearing, no insults. I wondered if this was what she’d been like, before… well, before everything.

  And then part of what she had said suddenly hit home.

  ‘I was the oldest by a few hundred years? A few hundred?!’

  ‘Yeah, about that. Two or three hundred.’

  ‘Wait, so I’m… no...How old am I?’

  Eva shrugged and pulled a chrome hip flask from her pocket, unscrewing the top. ‘Fucked if I know. A few thousand years at least.’

  I stopped dead in my tracks, Eva carrying on, flask to her mouth, before pausing and looking back at me confused.

  ‘What’s up? Need a piss?’

  ‘I’m thousands of years old? Me?’

  ‘Yup. You don’t look too bad on it, I suppose.’

  I couldn’t compute that sort of bombshell. It was too big a number, too out there, impossible to grasp.

  ‘Hey,’ said Maya, waving us forward, ‘this is the spot, right?’

  Eva took a swig, slotted her flask away, and carried on.

  A few thousand years old. Well, holy crap. They didn’t bake a birthday cake big enough to hold all those candles.

  ‘Yeah, this is it,’ said Eva, twirling around.

  ‘Seems to be a lack of stones,’ said Maya.

  ‘The Moon is on the rise,’ said Eva, ‘any second now, we’ll see the fuckers.’

  And see them we did. It took another twenty minutes for the light of day to fully fade away, to be replaced by the light shining down from a canopy of stars and the Moon, bright and full. At first, it was like a smear on a pair of glasses. Something indistinct, not quite there, that you’d get rid of just by wiping the lenses. And then, as if by magic (actually, entirely by magic), there they were.

  Elga and her Kin.

  A stone circle, solid and real, that surrounded us.

  ‘Thirty stones,’ said Maya, taking note in her pad. ‘Do you recognise the one that attacked you?’

  I walked around the circle, trying not to get too close to the stones as I passed. I remembered the crackling energy that flew from the one that had attacked me.

  ‘This is the one,’ I said, pointing to one stone in particular. ‘And this one next to it, I think I saw this one in my vision when I touched the mother’s body back at the magicians house.’

  Eva leaned forward, squinting at the stone, ‘Yeah, look at those dark splashes.’

  ‘Dried blood,’ said Maya.

  ‘Bingo fucking bango,’ replied Eva.

  It was a strange feeling, being in that circle. No doubt you’d get a bit of a creep running up your spine standing in the middle of any ancient stone circle at night, but this one had an extra something-something. It felt like I was being watched.

  ‘If,’ said Eva, ‘I was the sort of dick who got creeped out, I would be creeped the fuckity-fuck out right about now.’

  ‘Me too,’ said Maya, but the way she shifted, the way her eyes darted around a little more sharply than usual, told me that was a front. She was as creeped out as I was.

  ‘So what now?’ I asked. ‘Do we, I don’t know, blow them up?’

  ‘Oh, good idea,’ said Eva, and began rubbing her hands together. Energy, thick and brightly coloured, began to form between her hands. ‘Stand back, I’m about to fuck a bitch up!’

  With a grunt, she threw her right hand towards one of the stones, as though she were pitching a baseball. The ball of energy exploded from her palm and struck the stone squarely.

  And nothing happened.

  ‘Well, that’s rude,’ said Eva, ‘didn’t even leave a mark.’

  ‘We have another problem,’ said Maya.

  ‘What is it?’ I asked. ‘Feel free to say something ordinary, like your phone is almost out of battery, or you think you may have left a window slightly ajar at your house.’

  ‘Nope. There were thirty stones.’

  ‘Yes, there are thirty stones.’

  ‘I said were. Count them.’

  I counted. And then counted again. There were now only twenty nine stones.

  Someone, somewhere, was about to get murdered.

  20

  It was about an hour before Maya’s phone buzzed.

  A man had been roused by the sound of a ruckus next door. Breaking glass, furniture smashing. He’d gone to take a look and found his elderly neighbour curled up on her kitchen floor, quite dead. He hadn’t had to check for a pulse to make sure as she, like the others, was a withered, mummified horror. His screams had alerted a passer-by, who’d informed the police, who’d informed Maya.

  There was no need for Eva and I to tag along. We knew what we’d see and we knew what had happened, so we stayed with the stone circle, with Elga and her Kin.

  The missing stone reappeared shortly after Maya left. There was blood sprayed across its surface, and not dried blood like the other stone. This blood was very much wet.

  ‘This is crazy,’ I said. ‘I mean, the soul vampires with octopus limbs, and demons buying souls at the bottom of a well, those are all crazy too, but a crazy I can wrap my head around. But these are stones. Stones aren’t alive.’

  ‘There’s always a first time,’ said Eva.

  ‘What’s more, stones don’t kill unless they’re being used as a tool for a living, breathing creature.’

  Eva stopped her visual examination of the stone and stood bolt upright
, looking at me in surprise.

  ‘What?’ I asked. ‘What is it? Is there a wasp on me?’

  ‘No wasp.’

  ‘Phew.’

  ‘If there was a wasp,’ she said, ‘I would give you no indication and wait for it to hopefully sting the shit out of you.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘But what you said, that flicked a little switch in the brain meat.’

  ‘What did I say?’ I asked.

  ‘The stones. The stones. They’re just the tip of the iceberg. I think? Yeah. Or…? Something else. Someone else.’ She knelt and placed her hand against the ground in front of one of the stones.

  ‘What is it?’ I asked.

  ‘Not one hundred percent sure.’

  Then Eva flopped down, placing her ear against the muck.

  ‘Hm,’ she waved me over, ‘come and have a listen.’

  ‘Listen? To the grass and the soil?’

  Eva continued to waggle her hand at me so I did as she asked.

  ‘What am I listening for?’ I asked.

  ‘Anything.’

  ‘Right.’

  So I listened.

  Then listened a bit more.

  ‘Not sure I’m getting anything.’

  Eva hopped up onto her feet and began striding away, lighting a cigarette as she did.

  ‘Oh, are we off?’

  ‘Yup,’ replied Eva, blowing a cloud of smoke into the air.

  ‘But what about the circle, Elga and her Kin?’

  ‘I think we need to go and ask Malden the dull as ditchwater eaves a few more questions. I reckon we didn’t ask the right ones last time. Come along, idiot.’

  I flicked the grass, and a spider, from the side of my face and hurried after her.

  Mickey Finn’s, the local drinking hole for magical and monstrous types, was still open despite the fact it was gone two in the morning.

  ‘This place never closes,’ said Eva, as if reading my mind. ‘Half the things that drink here only wake up at night, so they keep the place running twenty-four seven.’

  Malden was at the same table we’d met him at the first time. He smiled a ratty, toothy smile, and waved us over.

  ‘Greetings and salutations, my coven friends.’