Epistle of the Damned

by M. Lee Mendelson

  Mike’s friend and old partner, Robert McDougal, came up and patted him on the shoulder. “Buckle up, pal. Looks like it’s gonna be a bumpy ride tonight.”

  Now, it’s common knowledge that cops know how to party. And it’s also common knowledge that football players know how to party. But when you combine the partying talents of cops with football players, things of epic legends are created. That bachelor party would go down in the annals of bachelor party history as being the crown jewel of all bachelor parties.

  The debauchery was legendary, and the alcohol flowed like the mighty Mississippi. The last strip club of the night, “The Pig Pen,” was a dive so dirty and foul that the name could not be more fitting. Frank put this on his list as a joke, a way to wrap up the strip club tour. The girls were raunchy and willing to do anything for a buck. Frank had a lot of bucks and lots of ideas.

  Frank put Mike up on stage and bought him a lap dance from Jasmine. Frank tied Mike’s hands up behind the chair with a silk feather boa from one of the girls. Mike was so intoxicated after having an untold number of kamikazes, his favorite drink, that he couldn’t see straight.

  Jasmine was a tall skinny girl with long black hair, black fingernails and pasty-white skin with a large upside-down pentacle tattoo on her upper left-. She had nearly every body-part pierced and wore a spiked collar on her neck. Mike sat helplessly in the chair as she approached. She removed her top, exposing her tattoo-covered breasts.

  As she neared Mike, he was in disbelief as he saw her eyes mutate to a solid black, which stood out in stark contrast against the pale white skin of her face. She straddled Mike’s hips and grabbed his head with both her hands. As she stared into his eyes, Mike could see through to her soul and found himself enveloped in total darkness, a place of utter despair.

  Over the loud, blaring music and the cheers of Frank and the others, he heard a distinct sound that stood out from among the weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth from a sea of countless tormented souls. It was the sound of the tortured screams of a helpless little baby. He was instantaneously transported back to the bedroom of little Miguel Lopez. Standing over the dead baby boy, his heart was filled with dread when Jasmine breathed into his ear, “The body was yours, but his soul belongs to us forever!”

  Terror swept over Mike. His muscles strained as he ripped the boa apart. He grabbed Jasmine by the shoulders and pushed her off of him onto the stage yelling, “NO, NO, NOOOO! LET HIM GO, YOU EVIL BITCH! LET HIM GO!”

  When she fell to the floor, the music abruptly stopped. Jasmine cried out, “What the fuck is your problem, you freak? What an asshole!”

  The bouncer, who was half the size of Frank, wisely approached him and said, “I think you might want to get your friend home now.” Frank cordially agreed and gave Jasmine another twenty for her trouble.

  Picking Mike up and throwing him over his shoulders, Frank said, “Okay buddy, party’s over. Let’s get you home.”

  Frank and all his buddies loaded Mike onto the bus for the two-hour ride home. It was 3:00 a.m. and they had been going at it for nearly twelve hours.

  Rob said to Frank, “What do you think got to him?”

  “I don’t know, buddy. He occasionally has these outbursts. I think some of those cases you guys worked together must have really gotten to him.”

  Rob replied, “I can understand why. I got out shortly after he did. He saw more than me for some reason. I just assisted him on a lot his cases. It’s crazy. I worked Major Crimes a lot longer, but he seemed to get all the truly horrific cases. I know he saw a counselor for a while and it seemed to help, but I think it might be PTSD.”

  “Well, he’s been through a lot. I always worry about him. But I think Meredith is good for him. He seems so at peace when he’s with her.” Rob agreed, “Yeah, he really seems happy. You guys are close. Thanks for doing this for him. I know I had a blast.”

  Frank looked at Robert and said, “My pleasure, pal. I’m glad everyone had fun. Looks like we’re the only ones still awake.” Everyone, including the call girls, had passed out.

  Frank and Robert talked the whole way home, and Frank told Robert, “I’m glad he’s got friends like you to help me keep an eye out for him. You guys are all right in my book, for a bunch of cops.”

  “It’s my pleasure, Frank. You’re a good man for a football player. A little wild, but a good man,” said Robert.

  Frank laughed as they continued down the road.

  They had dropped everyone off and Mike was the last one left. Frank had arranged with Meredith to sleep at their place when they got home. It was now 6:00 a.m. and Mike was still passed out. After paying the driver and giving him a healthy tip for the enormous mess left in the back, Frank picked up a still passed out Mike, again threw him over his shoulders, then hauled him up the stairs.

  Meredith could hear the two come in. Relieved that Mike was home safe, she rolled over and tried to go back to sleep.

  Frank threw Mike on the couch and covered him with a throw. He then grabbed a pillow from the love seat and fell asleep on the floor. Meredith had to bury her head between two pillows to block Frank’s snoring.

  TILL DEATH DO US PART

  L ater that morning, Meredith awoke to find Mike was still asleep on the couch and Frank was sleeping on the floor, blocking the hallway.

  “I guess I’m gonna have to scale Mount Moose to get to the kitchen,” Meredith laughed to herself. “Clearly, these two are going to need several pots of coffee.”

  As she attempted to traverse the massive, intoxicated corpse that lay in her path, the sleeping giant awoke, and staring up at her in her robe said, “Nice panties!”

  Meredith shouted, “OH MY GOD, YOU PIG!” and she stomped on his belly.

  Frank bellowed with laughter and said, “Don’t worry, I’m not offended by a pretty pair of pink lacy G-strings.”

  “Pervert!” Meredith said, smiling back at him.

  Groaning as he struggled up from the floor like a grizzly awakening from a long winter nap, Frank said, “I really need to piss!”

  Meredith shouted, “Try to hit the toilet this time, you animal!”

  “Shhhhh! Oh my God, woman. Why are you screaming? My

  head feels like it’s going to split in half!”

  “I’m gonna make some coffee. Why don’t you go take a shower? I laid a towel out for you. I also found a pair of shorts you left here the last time, and a pair of your underwear.”

  “How do you know they’re my underwear?”

  “Because I pulled them from the linen closet. They were mixed in with our king size sheets!”

  “Funny girl, funny girl!” Frank chuckled. As he was closing the bathroom door, she heard him exclaim, “One of these days Merry, bang, zoom, to the moon!”

  Meredith giggled to herself. He was really the big brother she’d never had. How could she not adore him?

  After he emerged from the bathroom, the two sat on the balcony, sipped coffee and ate toast while Mike still slumbered away on the couch.

  Meredith asked, “So did you guys have fun?”

  “From what I can remember? Yes!”

  “Was Mikey a good boy?”

  “Now Merry, do you really think I can tell you all the details?”

  “I know you better start talking before you’re wearing that coffee!”

  Frank laughed, “Sweetheart, let me tell you something. That guy in there is so in love with you, you have nothing to worry about from last night or any other night. There’s not enough alcohol to make that guy do anything to hurt you. Besides that, he knows I’d

  kick his ass if he ever did anything to hurt you.”

  Meredith smiled as she sat back in her seat and sneered, “Hmmm, I don’t know about you two, but good answer. You’re sweet, Frankie. I love you.”

  Franks suddenly got serious. “I love you too, Merry, but I have to tell you something. Mike had another episode last night. I’m

  worried about him. Robert thinks it’s part of his
PTSD.”

  “What happened, Frank?”

  “Well, it was at the end of the night. He flipped out and threw that stripper off of him onto the floor.”

  “Stripper? On top of him? Go on!”

  “Merry, seriously, it was all in fun. He did nothing, I promise you.”

  “Okay, okay, I see no problem yet. He threw the skank off of him . . . so far so good!”

  “MERRY!” Frank growled. Meredith could tell the gentle giant was extremely concerned about Mike.

  “I’m serious. I’m really worried about Mike. He blacked out again. I don’t know if it was from the copious amount of alcohol or something more sinister. He was screaming ‘let him go!’ You need to promise to keep me up to date. If he needs help, you need to let me know. Anything he needs, I’ll take care of it. He doesn’t come to me with personal stuff like you and Cynthia do. It’s a guy thing. But I’m really worried about him. I need you to keep me up to date with everything. That goes for both of you, for whatever you guys need. But promise to look out for him.”

  “You are truly full of surprises, my sweet hulk. I’m so grateful he has you in his life. What more could he ask for? I love you. I promise, you’ll be the first person I call for anything.” She stood up on her tip toes to kiss him on the forehead while he sat on the patio chair.

  Frank smiled, reassured by her kind words. “I’m glad he found you, Merry. He’s a lucky man. Thank you for being so good to him. Please take care of my buddy. I wouldn’t bring up last night. I don’t think he’ll remember much. I got him pretty drunk. Probably better to leave it be. I just wanted to make you aware.”

  From inside, they could hear Mike stirring. “Oh, good Lord. My head!”

  Frank perked up, ran inside and shouted at the top of his lungs,

  “GOOD MORNING, YOU HUNGOVER DOUCHE BAG!”

  “AAAAAAH, you asshole! I’m gonna kick your ass!”

  Meredith laughed as the two bickered back and forth like brothers.

  The following week was a whirlwind of activity. All the preparations had been made, but the last-minute details were a typical nightmare. The florist called to say that they could not get the flowers Meredith wanted, and the caterer had a death in the family and had to cancel. Frank was the rock that kept the whole plan on track. Frank used his celebrity influence to get the best caterer in town, and after a brief visit to the florist from Frank, they were miraculously able to produce the desired flowers.

  All was going as expected until the day before the wedding. Meredith went to pick up her dress from the seamstress with her mother. She tried it on and it was flawless. They went to lunch, and while they were inside the restaurant, someone smashed her car window and stole her stereo, leaving her dress in the backseat. A sudden thunderstorm blew through, getting the inside of her vehicle soaking wet, including her delicate wedding dress, ruining the pressed seams in the fabric and leaving streaks of mud from the dirt that had blown in and gotten inside the garment cover that she had accidentally left unzipped.

  Meredith was obviously heartbroken, but a quick call to Frank would prove to be the answer to all of her problems. Frank was the only one who could do it; Mike couldn’t see the dress.

  Sobbing, Meredith called Frank on the phone, who was also at lunch across town with Mike. “Oh, Frank, it’s ruined. My wedding dress is ruined! What am I going to do, Frankie? My beautiful dress is ruined!”

  Frank was moved to tears hearing the wails of painful anguish from this woman he loved like a little sister.

  “Don’t cry, Merry. You leave it to me. I’ll take care of everything. I’m on my way to you now.”

  He put the phone down and turned to Mike. “I gotta go, brother. You got lunch?”

  “Yeah, sure. I can take out a small loan to pay for your meal. Is everything okay?”

  “Don’t worry, just call me if you need anything,” Frank told him as he dashed out of the restaurant. Frank rushed to Meredith’s location.

  When he arrived, the deputies were still on scene taking the report. Frank rushed up. “You okay, Merry? Rebecca darlin’, you okay?”

  Meredith blubbered, “Oh Frank, it’s ruined!” She ran up and hugged him around his waist.

  Frank asked, “Where’s the dress?”

  In the car, Frank found the dress dripping wet and soiled with dirt that had blown in from the wicked summer storm.

  Rebecca was consoling Meredith when Frank snatched the dress up and said, “Don’t worry, ladies. I’m on the case! Will you guys be okay getting home?”

  Rebecca told him, “I’ll get her home, sweetie. Thank you for trying to help.”

  Frank bolted out of there in search of the closest dry cleaner. “Oh, Mom, my dress! What am I going to do?”

  “When we leave here, we’re going to find you something. It won’t be your dress, but you’ll be beautiful.”

  “What about Frank?”

  “Sweetie, he has a big heart, but it’s three o’clock on a Friday.

  Tomorrow is the wedding— what can he possibly do?” Meredith wept inconsolably.

  3:12 p.m. A speeding rented Lincoln Town car screeched to a stop in front of Mr. Woo’s dry-cleaning store. Frank ran inside and spoke to a small, oriental man. “Are you Mr. Woo?”

  The small shop owner said, “Noooo, my name is Rilliam Chang. The business name is Mista Roo. You assumed I Mista Roo just because I Chinee!?”

  Frank innocently said, “Well, yeah!”

  The infuriated Lilliputian of a man was now yelling at the proportionally gargantuan Gulliver, “What you rant big man? You come in here harass me? You get out or I call porice!”

  Normally, Frank would find the whole exchange amusing, but he was on a life or death mission. He had never let a friend down yet and was not going to start now. He swallowed his pride and submissively pleaded his case with Mr. Chang.

  “No, no Mr. Chang, please, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m just in a terrible rush. It’s an emergency. Please, you have to help!”

  “Rhy I help you? You come in shop and make fun of Rilliam!”

  Frank continued to uncharacteristically grovel, explaining all about the wedding and what had happened to Meredith’s dress. He pulled the dress out of the saturated plastic. Mr. Chang was still angry, but moved with compassion when he heard the story. When Frank pulled out a wad of hundreds, Mr. Chang’s anger instantly subsided.

  “So how much to have it done tonight?”

  Mr. Chang smiled and said, “Rhat’s it rorth to you ju wu ba?”

  Translated from Chinese, this means “jumbo.”

  Frank started by placing a one hundred dollar bill on the counter.

  Mr. Chang rolled his eyes and said, “Rell, it’s a big job. Could take days to get ready!”

  Frank continued to pile hundred upon hundred. With each hundred Frank looked up at Mr. Chang, who just stood there smiling and raising his eyebrows with each hundred placed on the counter. When he got to five hundred dollars, Mr. Chang said, “Okay, okay yuan, you stop. I have ready by nine o’crock. You here no rater than nine-fifteen or I go home!” Yuan is the Chinese word for ape, but Frank was oblivious.

  “Thank you, Mr. Chang. You’re the best!”

  At nine o’clock, Frank was pounding on the front door of Mr.

  Woo’s dry cleaner.

  From inside, Mr. Chang was screaming, “Hord on, hord on! I coming, mee!” Mee, the Chinese word for moose, was a more appropriate slur than Mr. Chang could have imagined.

  Frank examined the dress. His face lit up with excitement. “That’s incredible, Mr. Chang. How did you get it so clean? Ancient Chinese secret?”

  Mr. Chang, now re-infuriated, started yelling, “Oh you funny man! You rike jokes? I give you joke!”

  Frank started to howl with laughter and said, “I’m sorry, Mr. Chang, I couldn’t resist.” He then pulled another hundred out of his pocket, and Mr. Chang suddenly calmed down. He said, “It ras a preasure dowee busiress rith you! Come aga.”r />
  “Really, thank you Mr. Chang.”

  Chang smiled as he watched the enormous elf prance out of his store. Plus, he had just made six hundred dollars, which he placed in his pocket as he walked out.

  At ten o’clock, Frank showed up at Henry and Rebecca’s house where Meredith was staying the night before the wedding. Frank rang the doorbell and Henry answered the door dismally. He sighed,

  “Oh, hello, Frank.”

  Frank whispered, “What’s up, Doc? Where’s Merry?”

  “She’s upstairs with her mother, Nancy, her aunts and Cynthia. She’s trying on different dresses. She hasn’t stopped crying all night.

  What are you doing out so late?”

  Frank said, “I have a surprise. I’ll be right back.”

  Frank scurried to his car and retrieved the now restored fairytale gown. As he returned and Henry asked, “What is that you have there?”

  Frank answered in a soft voice, “It’s her dress. I got it fixed.”

  Henry’s eyes welled up with tears. “But how? Frank, what did you do? You did this for my little girl? Frank, I can’t tell you how much that means to me.”

  “Okay, okay, go upstairs and get the girls. I’ll stand in the living room and model the dress. Well, sort of.”

  Henry gave Frank a hug. “Thank you, son. You saved the day. She will be so happy.”

  Henry went upstairs to get the girls, and Frank stood in the living room with his back to the stairwell.

  Henry knocked on the door where all the ladies were clamoring as to what to do. Rebecca came to the door and Henry asked, “How’s it going in here?”

  “Oh Henry, it’s just terrible. Nothing is working. She’s still so beautiful, but her heart was so set on that dress. She just can’t settle on anything.”

  Henry demanded, “OKAY LADIES, I THINK IT’S TIME YOU COME DOWNSTAIRS AND TAKE FIVE!”

  Meredith looked at him and cried, “But Daddy!”

  “No buts. Everyone downstairs, take a break. You can think more clearly after a few minutes and a cup of joe to clear your heads.”