This Child of Mine

by Sinéad Moriarty

  Sophie bit her bottom lip. ‘Don’t you think she’s paid for her mistake?’

  Mandy blew smoke rings. ‘Yes, I guess she has. God, my head’s melted. I’m going to take my guitar down to the beach and write some tunes. Do you want to come?’

  Sophie yearned to be alone. ‘No, thanks. Do you mind if I stay here and just rest for a bit?’

  Mandy shrugged. ‘Sure.’ She stubbed out her cigarette and picked up her guitar.

  As Mandy walked out, Laura walked in. Mandy brushed past her. Laura looked worn out. ‘Are you all right, sweetheart?’ she asked Sophie.

  ‘I’m fine, but I really need to be alone for a bit.’ Sophie had to be firm: she couldn’t face any more emotional conversations.

  ‘I’m sorry about that. Joan is just coming to terms with it all. Can I make you some dinner?’

  ‘No, thank you. I just need some quiet time.’

  Laura looked crestfallen. ‘All right. If you need anything just ask.’

  Sophie locked the door after Laura had left and lay down on the Che Guevara duvet. Her head was pounding. She closed her eyes. Green, red and yellow swirled around.

  She opened them and tried to do the yoga breathing Laura had shown her. In and out, in and out. Her phone vibrated. It was Holly. Yes! Holly: her familiar old pal to whom she could say anything.

  ‘Hi.’

  ‘God, you sound awful,’ Holly said.

  ‘I am awful.’

  ‘Go on, spill the beans.’

  ‘I’m too tired to go into details.’

  ‘No way! You have to tell me everything.’

  Sophie closed her eyes. ‘I met Mum.’

  ‘Which one?’

  ‘Anna. She confessed to kidnapping me.’

  ‘No!’

  ‘Yes. She said Laura was passed out drunk, and had told her to take me.’

  ‘No!’

  ‘Yes. She said Laura was horrible to me so she took me to save me.’

  ‘Wow, Anna the superhero.’

  Sophie smiled. ‘I’m not sure superheroes abduct children.’

  ‘Go on.’

  ‘I confronted Laura. She admitted to being drunk, but she hasn’t had a drink since.’

  ‘A lot of people do that – you know, become all holy when something bad happens. Like Paris Hilton found Jesus when she was in prison for drunk-driving and said she wanted to build a Paris Hilton playhouse for sick kids.’

  ‘Well, Laura does seem to have changed her life. She’s a really good mum to Mandy.’

  ‘What’s she like?’

  ‘She’s nice … at least, I think I like her. I’m still getting to know her. She’s very different from me. She’s really into music and plays the guitar and writes her own songs and stuff.’

  ‘What kind of music?’

  Sophie sat up and peered at the bookshelf. ‘I haven’t heard her sing so I’m not sure, but I think it’s quite dark. She has lots of books about old singers I’ve hardly heard of, like Joan Baez.’

  ‘Dad loves her but she’s, like, a hundred years old. Your sister sounds a bit weird.’

  Sophie thought about Mandy. Was she weird? ‘No, she isn’t. In some ways she’s a lot more worldly than I am, even though she grew up in this little village and I grew up in London. She’s had sex and –’

  ‘Sophie, nearly all of our friends have had sex. You’re one of the very few who haven’t.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘Seriously, what are you waiting for? Just get it over with. Do what I did. Choose a guy you know likes you, drink at least four vodka and Cokes, lie back and close your eyes.’

  ‘Why close your eyes?’

  ‘Because then you won’t see his face getting all red and boggle-eyed. Honestly, boys look like frogs when they’re having sex. With your colour thing, you’d be seeing lots of greens and that could really ruin it for you. But then it’s done and all the wondering and waiting is over and you can move on to someone you actually fancy and maybe enjoy it.’

  Sophie shuddered. ‘You’re not making it sound very appealing.’

  ‘I probably chose badly. Luke had a really spotty back – I could feel the lumps with my hands.’

  ‘Gross!’ Sophie giggled. She was delighted with this distraction from her current situation.

  ‘And he grunted like a rhinoceros and shouted dirty things at me.’

  ‘You never told me that.’

  ‘I was too embarrassed.’

  ‘What kind of things?’

  ‘Things like “You know you want it, you whore” and “How’s that, you filthy bitch?”’

  ‘But he’s such a quiet, reserved guy!’ Whenever you spoke to Luke he went purple with embarrassment and looked at the ground. He was painfully shy. He had a huge crush on Holly, who thought he was a complete nerd and had never given him the time of day until six months ago, when she’d decided to lose her virginity and wanted to do it with someone who worshipped her and wouldn’t tell tales after the event.

  ‘I know! That’s why I chose him to be my first. He was a quiet geek who thought I was a goddess.’ Holly laughed.

  ‘It’s true what they say, “It’s always the quiet ones!”’ Sophie chortled.

  ‘When he got to the end of his performance he made this insane noise – gaaaah guh-guh-guh.’

  They shrieked with laughter.

  ‘It was like the Incredible Hulk or something,’ Holly continued, ‘but then he turned back into normal Luke. He got dressed without looking at me, shook my hand and said, “Thank you so much for a wonderful evening.”’ Holly couldn’t go on, she was laughing so much.

  ‘Shook your hand?’ Sophie was practically choking.

  ‘I know! After calling me all those rude names, he shook my hand as if we’d just had a business meeting.’

  ‘Oh, Holly, that’s so funny.’

  ‘Perhaps you should find a nice Irish boy and get it over with there. Maybe one of Mandy’s friends.’

  ‘She’s nearly three years younger than me.’

  ‘I’m sure they’ll have older brothers.’

  ‘Holly, I can barely think straight with everything that’s going on. I really don’t think losing my virginity in the middle of all this chaos would help.’

  ‘It would be a good distraction,’ Holly suggested. ‘Imagine if you met Colin Farrell’s younger brother or something. That would be amazing.’

  ‘I’m in a remote village outside Dublin surrounded by crying women all accusing each other of awful things. It’s unlikely I’ll have the opportunity to meet anyone. I’ll be lucky if I get home with my sanity intact.’

  ‘Did your mum mention me?’

  ‘No, she was too busy trying to excuse her psychotic behaviour.’

  ‘Were you glad to see her?’

  Sophie looked out at the sea. ‘Yes, I was. But I have no idea what’s going to happen next. It’s all such a mess. I’ve just met Laura’s mother and she fainted when she saw me – Mandy thought she was dead.’

  Holly whooped. ‘It’s crazier than The Osbournes! I hope you’re writing it all down. Honestly, Sophie, there’s so much potential in this story.’

  ‘Yes, but it’s my life. This craziness is my new reality.’

  ‘Shit! Jessie’s coming, gotta fly. Love you, Sophie, stay strong.’

  The phone went dead. Sophie looked around the room and saw a stack of white paper in Mandy’s printer. She went over to the desk and pulled a few sheets out. She picked up one of Mandy’s pencils, sat down at her desk and began to draw. She welcomed the warm blanket of oblivion that encompassed her as she lost herself in her art.

  29.

  Anna

  Killduf, July 2011

  Anna cried the whole way back to Dublin. It had been so wonderful to see Sophie but heartbreaking too. Sophie was so angry with her, and when she had said that Laura was her real mother, it had been like being stabbed with a hot poker.

  Anna had never seen Sophie like that. She hated herself for what she was putting
her daughter through. She had hoped this would never happen. Sophie finding out the truth had never been part of her plan. After seventeen years she had almost begun to relax. Sophie was going to art college. Anna had done what she had promised to do. She had raised a wonderful, balanced, caring, clever human being, who was about to go out into the world and enrich it.

  Now everything was broken, destroyed. She couldn’t let it end like this. Laura had been a terrible mother, a wretched mother. How dare she pretend to Sophie that she hadn’t been drunk? How dare she pretend she had been a good parent? It was nauseating to think of her spinning her story and pulling Sophie into her web of lies and deceit. It made Anna sick to know that Sophie was staying with this person, listening to her falsehoods and, even worse, believing them.

  There was no way Anna would let this go: she was going to fight for Sophie. She was going to do everything she could to get her daughter back. Laura had no right to steal her away. She wasn’t her mother: she had given up that right when she had neglected her and pushed her away on the boat.

  Sophie was Anna’s daughter, no one else’s. Biology had nothing to do with it. Loving, nurturing, caring, minding, encouraging, nursing, teaching, nourishing, protecting: they were the things that made you a mother. Anna had devoted her life to bringing up Sophie. She had spent seventeen years putting Sophie’s happiness before her own. She had invested everything she had, financially, emotionally and intellectually, in making her daughter’s life perfect. There was no way in hell Laura was going to walk into her life now and take her away. Sophie was Anna’s life. She was damned if she’d give her up without a fight.

  When Anna arrived back to Joe’s apartment he was waiting for her. She collapsed into his arms and told him everything … except that she had vomited blood.

  Joe sat her on the couch, placed her feet on a footstool and handed her a gin and tonic. But when she took a sip, it burned her stomach so badly that she winced. Joe noticed straight away. ‘Damn, it’s flared up, hasn’t it?’

  ‘It’s fine.’

  ‘Anna, I saw your face. It must be bad if one sip is causing you so much pain. God, I hope it hasn’t ruptured. Have you coughed up any blood?’

  ‘No.’ Anna didn’t want Joe fussing. She needed to focus on getting Sophie back.

  Joe went into the kitchen and came back with a glass of milk. ‘Drink this, and take two Lansoprazole. That should help.’

  Anna gladly took the tablets and drank the cold milk, which was soothing. She rested her head on a cushion and let the tablets work their magic.

  Joe sat down beside her. He took her hand. ‘I want you to get some tests done. I’ll arrange for them tomorrow morning. I have a horrible feeling all this stress may cause the ulcer to rupture.’

  ‘I can’t tomorrow. I have to go and talk to Laura.’

  Joe took his glasses off and placed them on the coffee-table. ‘You’re no good to anyone if you’re sick. A ruptured ulcer is very serious. I’m booking the tests for first thing in the morning. You can see Laura after that.’

  Anna finished her milk and put the glass down. ‘I’ll get the tests done in the afternoon. I’m going to Killduf at the crack of dawn tomorrow to talk to Laura. I’m sorry, Joe, but getting Sophie back is my priority. Nothing else matters.’ Anna kissed his cheek. ‘I know you’ve got my best interests at heart, but Sophie comes first.’

  ‘She always does.’ Joe smiled sadly. ‘Sometimes too much so. She’s eighteen and you have to let her go.’

  Anna gritted her teeth. ‘Not now, not yet and definitely not like this. I’m going to make sure Sophie knows the truth and that that witch admits the terrible things she did and said. There is no way I’m backing down.’

  Joe rubbed his eyes. ‘When you’re like this there’s no point trying to change your mind. I’ll book the tests for after lunch.’

  Anna reached for his hand. ‘Thanks, Joe. I’m sorry about all this. I’m sorry I lied to you and hid the truth. But I had to – you can see that now, can’t you?’ Anna was desperate for his approval, for him to say he understood and agreed with her actions. ‘You understand now that I did the right thing, don’t you? I know it seems extreme, but it was that or she would have died.’

  ‘She might have been fine.’

  ‘She wouldn’t.’

  ‘Anna!’

  ‘It was the right thing. My instinct told me so.’

  ‘You had lost Hope. You were still grieving.’

  ‘No! I took her because she was in danger.’

  ‘She was the same age as Hope.’

  ‘I know, but – but that wasn’t it. I saved her, Joe. I saved her.’

  Joe looked at her, his eyes full of sorrow. ‘You also saved yourself.’

  ‘But that’s not why … No, Joe … I was only thinking about Sophie and her safety.’

  Joe remained silent.

  ‘Joe?’

  Joe looked at his hands. ‘I can’t, Anna. I can’t tell you I approve. I understand why you did it but that doesn’t make it right. A child belongs with its mother.’

  ‘Not when she’s a danger to her.’

  ‘You don’t know she was for sure. You made a snap decision that changed those people’s lives.’

  Anna stood up and glared at him. ‘I made the right decision, I know I did.’

  ‘And just how do you think Laura’s going to react when you march into her house uninvited?’ Joe’s voice was tight.

  ‘I’m going to give her a piece of my mind for all the lies she told Sophie. I’m going to make her tell Sophie the truth about that day.’ Anna’s mouth set in a hard line. ‘I’m not leaving until she does. She’ll have to throw me out.’

  ‘I really think that’s a bad idea. She’s only just got Sophie back. Let her have a few days with her.’

  Anna stood up. ‘I will not let her poison Sophie with her lies and her truth-bending. No bloody way. I’m going to show her she can’t just take my child away.’

  ‘Like you did to her,’ Joe quietly reminded her.

  Anna tossed and turned all night. She slept in the spare room. Joe wasn’t ready to let her into his bed. It hurt her that he didn’t agree with her actions, but she tried to block it out and focus on what she was going to say to Laura. She knew she had to keep calm and take the upper hand. She slept fitfully. At four o’clock she woke up with a searing pain in her stomach. What if Laura called the police and reported her crime? What if she ended up in prison? No! Anna decided she would simply tell the judge that Sophie had been in mortal danger. No judge would rule against her: they’d see that she’d done what she’d had to do, and Sophie would testify that she had been a great mother. But didn’t most courts rule with the mother, the biological mother? Yes, but only if she was fit to look after the child, which Laura was clearly not … Anna gave up on sleep and sat up. She turned on the light and tried to distract herself by reading, but the fears and doubts continued to eat away at her. As the sun rose, she was vomiting blood in the bathroom.

  On the drive down, Anna practised her speech. She went over all the things she wanted to say, all the things she wanted to remind Laura of – how she had shouted at Sophie and said how much better her life would be without a child and how she had asked Anna to take her away.

  At exactly half past seven, Anna parked the car at the end of the lane and walked up to the house. She was wearing light grey trousers and a pink blouse. She had put on some makeup so she would look less old and tired. She had seen how young Laura was and felt very old compared to her. And she knew she looked even older than her fifty-seven years due to the recent trauma and lack of sleep.

  When she got to the house, it was quiet. She tiptoed to the kitchen window and peered in. No one was up. She was about to go around to the front of the house when she noticed someone in the studio. She walked slowly to the large glass window and looked in. Laura was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the floor, eyes closed, meditating. She was wearing loose linen trousers and a blue cotton T-shirt. Her bl
onde curly hair was held up with a clip.

  She looked so like Sophie that Anna stopped in her tracks and stared. They could have been sisters. Laura looked so different from the drunken girl on the boat. She was a woman now, a beautiful woman.

  Her beauty belies her bad heart, Anna thought grimly. She steeled herself, opened the door and stood in front of Laura, blocking the sunlight and the view. Laura opened her eyes. They were the same deep blue as Sophie’s. Anna glared at her. ‘I don’t think I need to introduce myself.’ She folded her arms across her chest.

  Laura blinked a few times, taking the situation in. She slowly uncrossed her legs and stood up. She was taller than Anna, younger and fitter. It struck Anna that if they got into a fight, she’d lose. Laura would easily knock her down.

  Laura was staring at Anna, open-mouthed. She was taking in every detail of her face as if she was memorizing it. Anna decided to take control of the situation. ‘Where’s Sophie?’

  ‘I don’t remember you at all.’ Laura frowned. ‘I thought I would. I thought when I saw you I’d recognize you from the boat. But you’re a total stranger to me. Nothing about you is familiar.’

  ‘Where is she?’ Anna persisted. ‘I’m here to take my daughter home.’

  Laura flinched. ‘Excuse me?’

  ‘You heard me.’

  ‘I think you mean my daughter,’ Laura reminded her. ‘And she is home.’

  Anna laughed bitterly and waved a hand around. ‘You think this is her home? You must be joking. Her home is in London, with me. It’s the only home she knows.’

  Laura’s eyes flashed. ‘How dare you come in here and demand to take my daughter away again? Have you no remorse? Have you no shame? Are you insane? You abducted her! There is no way that’s ever going to happen again.’

  ‘Have you conveniently forgotten that you were passed out drunk that day? Have you forgotten that you said you wished you’d never had her, wished she would go away, handed her to me … asked me to take her. I didn’t steal her. You gave her away.’

  Laura’s face was bright red. ‘You’re a psychopath. Yes, I was drunk, but that did not give you the right to kidnap my child. Mothers drink sometimes, they make mistakes, but that does not give strangers the right to take their kids away. I loved her. She was my baby, my Jody. Your actions put me in Hell! Do you understand – HELL!’