This Child of Mine

by Sinéad Moriarty

  ‘Is it all right for you?’ Laura asked Sophie. ‘Is it too spicy? Is it not spicy enough?’

  Sophie squirmed. ‘It’s perfect. Really delicious.’ She put a large forkful into her mouth.

  ‘I suppose I’ll just have rice, then, will I?’ Mandy enquired.

  ‘I got that ice-cream you like for dessert,’ Laura continued, to Sophie, completely ignoring Mandy. Sophie wished she’d stop: Mandy was difficult enough as it was and she didn’t need Laura making it worse. ‘You said Häagen-Dazs strawberry shortcake was your favourite, didn’t you?’

  Sophie nodded, still chewing. She just wanted the subject to be changed.

  Mandy pushed her chair back from the table. ‘My favourite is chocolate chip cookie dough, in case you’re interested. I don’t actually like strawberries. But don’t worry, I’ll be too full after my bowl of dry rice to need dessert.’

  ‘Poor neglected Mandy. I’ll bring you an extra large tub of it next time I’m visiting.’ Frank nudged her, and she thumped his arm.

  Sophie could feel Laura watching her. ‘I was thinking we might take a trip next week, maybe go to West Cork – it’s really beautiful down there,’ her mother said.

  ‘No!’ Mandy banged the table. ‘You may try to starve me by cooking food I don’t like, but you’re not dragging me to West Cork. The Keystone Jammers are playing and Dad got me tickets.’

  ‘Do you really like them?’ Sophie asked.

  ‘Duh! They’re, like, the best band ever. Have you heard “I Hate My Boyfriend, He Deserves To Die A Painful Death”?’

  ‘Yes – I think their music is really aggressive and unsettling, actually.’ Sophie was getting fed up with Mandy biting her head off.

  ‘Unsettling? What are you? Ninety? They’re amazing. They say things that everyone thinks but is too bloody scared to admit. Like “Parents Treat Us Like We’re Retards But Expect Us To Get Straight As”. Or “My Dad Hits Me And Then Tells Me He Loves Me, He’s Going To Wake Up One Day With A Fork In His Eye”. Come on, it’s exactly what the bastard deserves if he hits you. I think they’re amazing.’

  Sophie took a sip of her water and tried to remain calm. ‘I think they’re antagonistic. There were riots at their last concert. Some kids got injured.’

  ‘Riots?’ Laura was shocked. ‘That’s it. You’re not going.’

  ‘Oh, great. Now you remember I exist,’ Mandy retorted. ‘Thanks, Sophie, thanks for trying to ruin everything.’ Turning back to Laura, she said, ‘I’m going to this concert and nothing you say will stop me. Dad said I could.’

  ‘Steady on.’ Frank tried to calm things down. ‘Your mum’s just worried. Do you have seated tickets or standing ones?’

  ‘Seated.’

  ‘Well, then, you’ll be fine.’

  ‘Not if there’s a riot she won’t,’ Laura said.

  ‘A few kids threw a few punches in the mosh pit. Jesus, it wasn’t a bloody war.’ Mandy was exasperated.

  Laura wasn’t convinced. ‘It sounds dangerous. I’ll talk to your dad.’

  Mandy swung around and glared at Sophie. ‘Any other little gems of information you’d like to tell us about? Anything else you’d like to say to ruin my bloody life?’

  Sophie flushed. She could feel herself getting annoyed. ‘I’m not trying to ruin anything. I’m just being honest.’

  ‘Well, maybe you should go back to your psycho mother and be honest with her.’

  ‘MANDY!’ Laura roared. ‘Don’t you ever say that to her again.’

  ‘Why? She’s allowed be honest, why can’t I? Or are there different rules for the daughter and the ghost sister? Let me guess, she does whatever the hell she wants and I suff er the consequences. Like starving to death because you cook food I hate, being ignored completely and having to sleep on the bloody floor in my own bedroom!’

  ‘Oi!’ Lexie pointed a finger in Mandy’s face. ‘That’s enough. First of all, you don’t speak to your mother like that and, second, it ain’t Sophie’s fault she’s your long-lost sister. Do you have any idea what it’s like for her? Comin’ into a new family and finding out her old dear’s actually a stranger who nicked her off a boat. Why don’t you think about how she feels and stop feelin’ sorry for yourself? I know it’s hard for you, with Sophie getting all the attention and all, but give her a break. Now, zip it and eat your rice.’

  Mandy put her head down and ate in silence. Sophie’s stomach twisted.

  ‘So, how’s the final chapter coming along?’ Frank asked Lexie, trying to break the tension.

  ‘You’ll be pleased to hear it’s done. I finished it this morning.’

  ‘Fantastic.’ Frank kissed her cheek. ‘Well done.’

  ‘Wow, finished already, that’s amazing.’ Sophie was thrilled the focus was on someone else.

  ‘Congratulations, Lexie, it’s a wonderful achievement,’ Laura enthused.

  ‘What does that mean?’ Mandy looked up.

  ‘It means it’s time for me to go home and sort out my life.’

  ‘When will you leave?’ Sophie was upset. She loved Lexie. She couldn’t bear the thought of her disappearing. Lexie was her rock of sense on this emotional roller-coaster.

  ‘Tonight. I’ve booked my flight for first thing tomorrow.’

  ‘What?’ They were all shocked.

  ‘Look, it’s better this way, I can’t do goodbyes. Too hard. And I know if I stay another day in this lovely house with you lot, I’ll never leave. You feel like family to me. So, Frank, I need you to drop me to the airport hotel.’

  ‘Of course, if that’s what you want.’ Frank patted her hand.

  ‘That sucks.’ Mandy was upset.

  Lexie pulled Mandy’s fringe back and looked into her eyes. ‘Thanks, darlin’, I’ll miss you an’ all. You’ve been so nice to me, lettin’ me come in and live with you.’

  ‘We’ll really miss having you here,’ Laura said. ‘It’s been lovely getting to know you.’

  ‘And what a time to be living in this house! It’s certainly been colourful,’ Frank added.

  ‘I wish you could stay longer.’ Sophie’s voice cracked. A huge lump was forming in her throat.

  Lexie hugged her. ‘I do too, darlin’, but I can’t hide away for ever. I have to go back and sort out my divorce and find a photography course and get on with my life. My new life.’

  ‘Will you stay in touch?’ Mandy asked.

  Lexie smiled at her. ‘Course I will.’

  ‘You’ll see her again soon. She’ll be over to promote her book when it becomes a huge bestseller,’ Frank said.

  Everyone was very downcast.

  ‘Well, thank you, Lexie, for being such a wonderful friend to all of us.’ Laura was really going to miss this gorgeous, bubbly, sensitive and kind soul.

  Lexie’s eyes filled. ‘I have to tell you lot that this has been the best few weeks of my life. Honest. I came here feelin’ crap about myself. I felt worthless – a useless WAG, whose husband cheated on her. But you’ve made me feel so welcome and you’ve been so nice to me and supportive and encouragin’. I went from feelin’ like nothing to feelin’ ten feet tall – and for a midget like me that’s really something! And just seein’ the way you all look after each other and love each other and treat each other nice, it’s made me want more for myself. I want this. Well, not the baby-snatchin’ part,’ she gave them a weak smile, ‘but the rest of it. What you have here is special. Real special.’

  Sophie gave up fighting her emotions and cried into her dinner.

  Lexie put her arms around her. ‘Don’t cry – you’ll set me off. Come on, darlin’, you’re goin’ to be fine.’ Lexie stood up. ‘Sod this. I can’t eat. Frank, get your keys, we’re off. Otherwise I’ll end up cryin’ all night. I have to make this quick and painless.’

  Frank went up to get Lexie’s large pink suitcase.

  Downstairs in the kitchen, Lexie hugged them one by one. To Mandy, she said, ‘Goodbye, darlin’, keep doin’ your thing. You’re a very unique girl. Don�
�t change for no one but go easy on your mum and your sister.’

  Holding Sophie close to her chest, she whispered, ‘Decide what’s best for you and follow your heart. It’ll all work out, you’ll see. Call me anytime.’

  Finally she tottered over to Laura. ‘My friend, my mate, thank you for openin’ your home and your heart to me. I ain’t never felt so welcome.’ She hugged Laura tightly and quietly said, ‘You deserve to have Sophie back in your life, but don’t try so hard. You’re smotherin’ her. Let her get to know the real you, the incredible you, in her own time. You won’t lose her again. You’ll win her for ever.’

  Laura fought back tears. ‘Thank you. And you’re to go back to London and shine. Let the world see what an incredible person Lexie is. Find yourself a man who deserves you and treats you well. And find a way to be a mum – you have so much to give to a child.’

  Sophie knew she shouldn’t have listened but she was thrilled that Lexie had advised Laura to give her some space. It was exactly what she needed.

  By the time Frank had heaved the suitcase down the stairs they were all crying.

  ‘Come on, ladies, she’s not emigrating to New Zealand. London is a short flight away. You’ll see her again.’

  Lexie linked his arm. ‘My Frank, the man who saved me. Seems to be your thing in life. You saved Laura from going down the tubes and now you’ve saved me. You’re a regular knight in shinin’ armour.’

  Frank laughed and guided her out to his car. ‘Come on – before I have to swim out of here with all this crying.’

  They followed her to the car, where she turned to face them. ‘’Bye, everyone, and thanks. I mean it, thanks for lettin’ me be part of your family. I love you all.’

  Laura, Sophie and Mandy waved their friend off, all of them missing her already. Things had always seemed brighter when Lexie was in the room.

  They walked back into the kitchen.

  ‘I’m sorry, Laura, I’m just not hungry. May I be excused?’ Sophie asked.

  ‘Me too,’ Mandy said.

  ‘Sure, of course. I’ve lost my appetite too.’ Laura scraped the chicken curry into the bin.

  32.

  Anna

  Dublin, July 2011

  Anna sat up in the hospital bed and stared at the door. She had been vomiting blood since her meeting with Sophie. When Joe had discovered how bad she was he had rushed her straight to hospital.

  She was connected to a drip. They had run some tests. She was waiting. Joe had gone to hurry things along. He was frantic. She was calm. The worst thing that could happen to her had already happened. She’d lost two daughters: her baby Hope and now Sophie. She was completely numb.

  The door swung open and Joe walked in, followed by a tall, self-assured man in a grey suit. Joe introduced them. ‘This is John Garvey. He’s going to be performing your gastroscopy.’

  ‘Gastroscopy?’ Anna asked.

  ‘We need to stem the bleeding and repair the damage. You’ll be given a sedative, intravenously into your arm, while we insert the gastroscope, via your mouth, into your stomach to get a good look at what’s going on. I’ll wash out the blood in your stomach and duodenum. When I can see the ulcer clearly, I’ll inject an adrenalin and fibrin glue into it to minimize the chance of it bleeding again later. All going well, we should be able to …’

  All Anna heard was noise. She couldn’t take in the information. She felt so tired, so old and so very weary. Even her bones ached. She wanted to sink back into the fluffy pillows, close her eyes and sleep for a very long time. She wanted to block out the voices in her head, the images of Laura and Joan, Sophie and Mandy, the cruel words and the harsh realities. She didn’t care about her ulcer, she didn’t care about the procedure. She just wanted to sleep.

  She closed her eyes.

  ‘You’re going to be fine.’ Joe kissed her forehead.

  ‘We’ll keep you in for twenty-four hours. I’d like to make sure there’s no further bleeding or complications,’ John Garvey added.

  ‘Thanks, John, for everything.’ Joe was effusive. ‘I owe you one.’

  The doctor left the room and Joe stroked Anna’s hand. ‘He’s the best in the country. I asked him to perform the gastroscopy. I didn’t want some junior practising on you. You’re going to be fine but, Anna, you have to stop all this craziness or the ulcer will come back more aggressively. You have to look after yourself, stop running around and getting yourself into a state. You have to let her go, let Sophie make her own choices. She knows the full story now. She knows you love her and you’re here for her. She’s an adult. There is nothing more you can do. You have to stop before you kill yourself.’ Joe’s voice broke.

  Tears slipped down Anna’s cheeks from under her closed lashes. Stop? How do you stop loving your child? How do you stop caring about her? How do you stop wondering if she’s all right? How do you stop praying she’ll forgive you? How do you stop begging her to come home? How do you stop being her mother? How do you stop?

  Anna’s phone beeped. She sat bolt upright and grabbed it. It was a text from Mark: Saw S, she OK. Needs space to sort head out. Will b in touch when more info. Don’t sweat it, she cool.

  Joe snatched the phone out of Anna’s hand and switched it off.

  ‘Give it back. Sophie might call,’ Anna shouted.

  ‘Enough!’ Joe bellowed. ‘You are about to have surgery for a bleeding ulcer. Enough.’

  Anna turned to the wall. It would never be enough. She would never stop.

  Anna insisted that Joe go home and get some sleep. The procedure had gone well; the bleeding had been stemmed. Joe’s eyes were puffy from lack of sleep. He needed to get proper rest. Besides, she wanted to be alone. She needed to think, to clear her mind.

  She felt calmer after the gastroscopy. Maybe it was the lingering sedative, maybe it was the drip attached to her arm filling her with antibiotics, maybe it was the fact that she had to stay still, but she was glad of it. For the first time since Sophie had left, her heart wasn’t racing, her stomach wasn’t burning and she wasn’t in a fog of grief.

  She took the time to reflect on recent events and try to decide what to do. She knew that Sophie wasn’t going to come back to her any time soon. She knew that Sophie needed to get to know Laura and her new family. Although Anna hated admitting it, she knew she would be safe with them. Laura had clearly got her life together and was no longer a drunk.

  Anna could see that phoning Sophie all the time wasn’t helping. By trying so hard to pull her back, she was pushing her away. She had to allow Sophie the space to make her own decisions. She had to trust that she had brought her up well enough to make the right ones. She had to step back and let Sophie work out who she was and who she wanted to be.

  Anna had to admit her part in this mess and take responsibility for her actions. She had stolen someone else’s child. When you said it like that, it sounded wrong, awful and criminal. But it hadn’t been like that. It had been instinctual and maternal and entirely for Sophie’s protection. Anna had assumed that Laura would end up like the mothers she had seen at her school gate – lifetime drunks and drug-users, women who would sell the clothes from their children’s backs for a fix. But Laura hadn’t turned out like that: she was normal and stable. Anna wondered what would have happened if she’d left Sophie there. Would Laura have stopped drinking? Had the shock of losing Sophie woken her up to her destructive behaviour? Would Joan have protected her granddaughter until Laura had sobered up? But Joan hadn’t been there that day on the boat to save her granddaughter from harm. Anna had had to take her. Hadn’t she?

  Anna lay back on her pillows and closed her eyes to block out the headache that was beginning to split her forehead in two. She had done what she thought was right. There was no point in looking back. She had to look forward. She had believed she was saving a child’s life … but if she was being totally honest – and for the first time since that day she forced herself to be – she had to admit that taking Sophie had filled the hole in her
life that Hope’s death had left.

  She had never meant to hurt anyone, although she knew now she had and that was hard to live with. But she had done everything possible to make Sophie happy. And now … Well, now she had to accept that Sophie was furious with her. She had to respect Sophie’s anger and resentment and hope they would subside. She had to hope and pray that Sophie wouldn’t forget the past seventeen years of unconditional love.

  Anna pulled her bag up from the floor and placed it on her lap. She took out a notebook and pen and began to write a love letter …

  My darling Sophie,

  I’m writing to tell you that you are free. I’m letting you go. I’m giving you wings, which is what every mother needs to do at some stage in their child’s life. I wish with all my heart that things were different. That you hadn’t found out this way, that you hadn’t been so hurt. But I realize that I can’t change what is. I can only explain my part in it.

  I took you that day because I knew I could give you a better life. I took you that day because you were being neglected. I took you that day because I fell in love with you. I took you that day because I believed that I could be a good mother.

  I never told you this but I had a baby girl – Hope – who was born early and only survived a few minutes. My ten-year marriage to Barry didn’t survive the grief of Hope’s loss. He was a lovely man but we grieved differently, separately, and it tore us apart. We broke up and I found myself with nothing. No marriage, no home, no baby. No family. My heart was broken so I did the only thing I could. I ran away. I got on that boat with the intention of starting my life again in London. I was running away from grief, sorrow, bad memories and myself. I had to do something to change my life or I’m not sure I would have made it. I was in a very dark place.

  And then I saw you and Laura on the boat. And she was awful to you. I know she has changed and sorted her life out and I’m glad, but back then she was a terrible mother. I suppose something inside me snapped and I reacted. I didn’t think. I just went with my primal instinct to protect you from harm.

  My actions that day led to seventeen incredible years. I have loved every minute of being your mum. I have been proud of you every day of our life together. You allowed me to love unconditionally. You gave me the gift of motherhood. You made my heart soar every time I looked at you. You saved me. You gave me back hope, and love. You unlocked my dead heart and made it sing again.