This Child of Mine

by Sinéad Moriarty

  The idea of Laura and Sophie painting side by side, together, bonding, connecting over their love of art made Anna’s stomach churn. She felt as if she was losing her daughter to this family. It was agony to let go.

  ‘But,’ Joan continued, ‘she misses you, and she’ll never be truly happy until she knows that she’s not hurting anyone.’

  Anna threw her hands into the air. ‘But that’s just it. Whatever she does, whatever decision she makes, will hurt someone.’

  Joan stiffened. ‘Well, Anna, you had her for seventeen years, so it’s our turn to spend time with her now. You surely can’t deny that.’

  Anna sighed. ‘Of course not, but it’s very difficult to let go of the person you love most in the world. I’m trying, Joan, I’m really trying. I’ve stepped back, I’ve let you have her, but I’m not going to pretend it’s easy. It’s killing me not to see her.’

  ‘I know all too well how that feels.’

  Anna shook her head. ‘I’m sorry. I just love her so much.’ She wiped away a tear.

  ‘We all do,’ Joan reminded her. ‘Actually, I have good news for you. Sophie wants you to come to the house on Saturday.’

  Anna’s head snapped up. ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes. Here, she told me to give you this.’ Joan fished an envelope out of her pocket and handed it to Anna.

  Anna opened it. ‘Please come to the house on Saturday. I need to talk to you. Sophie.’ Anna looked up at Joan. ‘Surely Laura won’t want me at her home.’

  ‘It’s what Sophie wants that matters, remember?’

  ‘Yes, but –’

  ‘No buts. I’m not going to pretend Laura’s delighted about it – she’s still struggling to forgive you. I think it will take her a long time to get there and I’m not sure she ever will, but Sophie has asked her to try so she’s doing her best. You have to admire her for that.’

  ‘I do. I’m grateful,’ Anna said quietly. She was thrilled she was going to see Sophie, but she would have preferred to see her on her own, somewhere neutral, away from everyone’s watching, judging eyes.

  ‘Laura’s a really good person. She’s suffered so much, but now that Sophie is back, the change in her is incredible. She’s found her light again. She’s found her smile, her laugh, her joy. I’d forgotten what she was like. I didn’t just lose my granddaughter that day on the boat, I lost my daughter too.’

  ‘I’m glad Laura’s happy, honestly, and I hope she can find it in her heart to forgive me.’

  ‘I do too. So will I tell Sophie you’ll come?’

  Anna hesitated. What could Sophie have to say to her in front of Laura and her family? Her heart was racing. Was Sophie going to tell her that she had chosen them? Was her precious daughter going to tell Anna to go away for ever? Oh, God! Please don’t let it be that. But, whatever it was, Anna had to go. She ached to see Sophie. There was no option but to say yes, whatever the outcome.

  39.

  Sophie

  Killduf, August 2011

  Sophie surveyed her clothes. She wanted to wear something from her old life and something from her new life. After all, that was what today was about – old and new coming together. The mother who had raised her and the mother who had given birth to her. The family she knew and the family she had discovered. The old, cosseted, naïve Sophie and the new, independent, worldly-wise, wounded Sophie.

  She peered at herself in the mirror. Outwardly she looked the same; inwardly she was a completely different person. The last two months had turned her world upside down, shattered every belief she had ever had, crushed her spirit and dragged her kicking and screaming into a reality she could never have imagined possible.

  She smiled ruefully. Were any other eighteen-year-old girls about to sit down and talk to their biological mother and their kidnapper mother? What would her convent-school friends say if they could see her now?

  School friend: ‘Hi, Sophie, how was your summer?’

  Sophie: ‘Interesting. I found out that my mother abducted me and my real mother was a drunk.’

  That was the problem. There was no one to talk to who could understand what she was going through. No one could say, ‘When it happened to me, I did this …’ There were no books on how to cope when you’d found out your mother was a child-snatcher. She, and only she, had to work through her pain, her grief, her anger and her loneliness. Only she could make the decisions that would help her move forward with her life, her new truth, her new reality.

  And Sophie knew that she had to face it and deal with it before it destroyed her and everyone she loved. While she had lost the mother she knew and cherished, she had gained the family she had always craved. In the beginning she had thought she had to choose, that to embrace one meant turning her back on the other … but now she knew that wasn’t the case. Yes, she was going to hurt people, but she had to put everyone’s feelings and emotions to one side and decide what she wanted, what she needed, to be able to move forward with her life. She had to protect herself and work out a way to live in this dysfunctional family unit without losing her sanity. She had to take control of her own destiny.

  Anna clung to Joe’s arm for support. She felt sick with nerves. As they came around the corner into the garden, she stopped. A huge banner hung between the house and the studio. It said Happy 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18th birthday, Sophie! Enormous multicoloured bouquets of half-deflated balloons swayed in the breeze.

  Anna’s hand flew to her mouth.

  ‘Easy,’ Joe said, squeezing her arm. ‘Come on now, they’re entitled to throw a party for her.’

  ‘I’m losing her, Joe.’ Anna stifled a sob. ‘I’m losing her to them. I can’t bear it.’

  ‘Hey, we’ve discussed this. You had to let her go and you did. It was the right thing to do. She needs to get to know her other family. Don’t forget all their years of loneliness and suffering. You have to be fair, Anna, you have to let them have her for a while. She’ll come back to you because you’re her mother. Now, come on, deep breath and smile.’

  As they approached they could see everyone spread out across the garden.

  Laura was pouring tea. She was wearing a beautiful turquoise dress that matched her eyes. She looked so young and happy. She was laughing at something Joan was saying.

  Anna recognized Frank as Laura’s brother – there was a strong family resemblance. He was talking to a small woman with very blonde hair.

  ‘Go on, Lexie, what did you say?’ He grinned.

  ‘I told him to get off his fat arse and go joggin’. I said, “Look, Dougie, I ain’t coming back, so you need to stop stuffin’ cheesy Doritos down your gob and get fit. Otherwise you’ll lose your career as well as your wife.”’

  Frank roared laughing. ‘Have you spoken since?’

  ‘No. I changed my phone number three days ago so he couldn’t call no more. He was calling me ten times a day and it was wreckin’ my head. Funny thing is, I thought I’d be the one who wasn’t able to move on, but I’m fine. I do miss the bugger sometimes, but I know I made the right decision. I’m quite enjoyin’ my freedom and I’m gettin’ chatted up everywhere I go. It’s incredible how many men fancy me since the papers said I’d get ten million in the divorce.”

  ‘You deserve every penny,’ Frank said. ‘And the auction for your book is going very well. HarperCollins came in with a big bid this afternoon. I’ll go back to Random House in the morning and see if they’ll go higher.’

  Lexie kissed him. ‘You’re brilliant you are.’

  Mark was sitting on the grass between Mandy and Holly. Mandy was strumming her guitar and rolling her eyes at Holly, who was giggling at everything Mark said.

  ‘You are sooooo funny. I never knew Irish guys were so witty,’ Holly said.

  ‘I never knew English girls were so hot.’ Mark winked at her.

  ‘I never knew two people could be so lame.’ Mandy groaned.

  ‘So,’ Holly twirled her hair around her index finger, ‘you must
have lots of groupies hanging around at your concerts.’

  Mark chortled. ‘A few.’

  ‘I’m sure you’d fit right in,’ Mandy drawled.

  Holly glared at her. ‘Do you have to be so hostile? Don’t you have a song to write about hate and rage and, I don’t know, anachronisms or something?’

  ‘Duh, I think you mean anarchy,’ Mandy grunted.

  ‘Whatever.’ Holly flicked her hair and turned back to Mark. ‘So, can I come to your next concert and hang out backstage?’

  ‘Backstage!’ Mandy laughed. ‘They’re not the Kings of Leon! They play small pub venues.’

  ‘Dude, I’ll have you know we played to sixty people last week,’ Mark said.

  ‘Wow, sixty’s a lot.’ Holly batted her eyelashes at him.

  ‘We’re actually playing next weekend. It’ll be fun. Maybe you could come and help me warm up before I go on.’ Mark arched an eyebrow as Holly swooned. Mandy made gagging noises behind them.

  Sophie was keeping watch out of the bedroom window when she saw Anna and Joe arrive. She noticed that Anna was clinging to Joe. She’d never seen her look so vulnerable. Anna had always been in charge and in control, but now she looked thin and frail. Sophie’s heart melted. This was, after all, the woman who had devoted her life to raising her and making her happy. But she was also the woman who had stolen her. Sophie sighed. Thank God Anna had Joe. Wonderful Joe, who was always there to support her through thick and thin.

  Sophie saw Laura stiffen when Anna and Joe stepped out of the shadows into the light. Her mouth set in a tight, tense line. She didn’t move towards them but stayed back, standing still, glaring at Anna. Her hostility was almost palpable.

  Sophie left her room and ran downstairs to greet Anna and Joe and try to smooth things over. Their arrival was going to ruffle more than a few feathers.

  Anna’s face lit up when Sophie ran towards her. She looked radiant. She was wearing a lilac top that Anna had bought her and cut-off jeans. The dark shadows under her eyes had gone, as had the strained look from her face. She looked like herself again, beautiful and joyful. Anna could have stared at her for ever.

  ‘I’m so glad you came,’ Sophie said, kissing her lightly on the cheek. ‘It’s really good to see you.’ Her lips quivered.

  Anna tried desperately not to cry. She hadn’t seen Sophie for so long, and now she was in Laura’s home, on Laura’s territory, surrounded by Laura’s family. Anna was the outsider and she felt it acutely.

  ‘You too, sweetheart.’ Anna wanted desperately to hug her tight and never let go. She longed to smell Sophie’s hair and touch her skin. But she knew not to. ‘Baby steps,’ Joe had warned her, in the car on the drive down. ‘You’ve been doing really well allowing her the space to get to know Laura. Don’t crowd her now. She’ll come back to you when she’s ready.’

  Anna had listened to his advice. But it was so hard when she yearned to be physically close to her daughter.

  Joe pecked Sophie on the cheek. ‘It’s great to see you. We’ve missed you.’

  ‘Me too.’ To Anna, she said, ‘You look lovely.’

  Anna had worn Sophie’s favourite colour – pink. It was a very plain shift dress, but it went some way to hiding her huge weight loss. ‘So do you.’

  Frank came over, breaking the tension. ‘Hello, Anna, and you must be Joe.’ He shook Joe’s hand. ‘Sophie’s told us a lot about you.’

  ‘All good, I hope.’ Joe winked at Sophie.

  ‘There is only good.’ Sophie smiled.

  Joan, Holly, Mark and Lexie came over to say hello. It was awkward but everyone was trying really hard to be ‘normal’.

  Laura hung back, with Mandy standing close by her side, like a bodyguard. Mandy was wearing a black T-shirt that said Ghost sisters rock. Laura was stone-faced.

  When Sophie had told Laura that she wanted Anna to come and visit, Laura had been upset and angry. Things had been going so well. The last few weeks had been bliss. She had spent hours with Sophie, painting, talking, getting to know her and becoming close to her. Laura had adored every second of it. She had been able to forget about Anna and the past and just focus on her beautiful baby girl. And then Mandy had suggested the birthday party – seventeen years of birthday parties in one big night. They had all been so excited about preparing for it, and Frank had arranged for Lexie and Holly to fly in from London, and it had been so special, just the family and some very close friends celebrating the return of their lost girl. Laura couldn’t remember feeling happier than when they had all sung ‘Happy Birthday’ while she watched Sophie blow out her candles surrounded by her real family. Her flesh and blood.

  Mandy looked at her mother. ‘You OK?’

  Laura squeezed her daughter’s hand. ‘Yes, thanks. I just need a moment.’

  ‘Don’t sweat it, Mum. The kidnapper won’t win. Sophie loves you. She’s not going to leave you.’

  ‘I’m so scared, Mandy. I can’t do it again. I can’t let her go. It’s too painful.’

  ‘Listen to me. I will not let anyone ever take Sophie away. She’s your daughter and my sister. She belongs here, with us, and nothing and no one is going to change that.’

  ‘Have I told you lately how wonderful you are and how much I love you and how you coming into the world saved my life?’

  ‘Don’t start getting all mushy on me.’

  Laura put her arm around her daughter and gave her a tear-stained kiss. ‘You are my rock. I’d be lost without you.’

  Mandy wriggled away. ‘Gross, Mum! You’re making my face all wet. Go and slobber over Sophie.’

  Laura smiled. ‘Thank you.’

  Mandy shrugged. ‘You’re welcome, I guess. Now, come on, let’s get over there and fight our corner.’

  ‘I see you had a party,’ Joe said to Sophie, as a stray balloon flew by.

  Sophie blushed. ‘It was Mandy’s idea.’

  Anna tried to force a smile. ‘Looks like fun.’

  Laura strode over. ‘Yes, it was. It was a big day for this family. After all, we’d missed seventeen of her birthdays.’

  Anna flinched.

  Mandy piped up, ‘Lexie organized the balloons and I did the banner and Mum made an incredible cake.’

  ‘That sounds great, doesn’t it, Anna?’ Joe prompted.

  Anna nodded, not trusting herself to speak.

  ‘It was super-fun and Sophie looked divine in this amazing dress Laura bought her, all sparkly and fabulous,’ Holly enthused. ‘And look at her present – it’s, like, OMG stunning.’ Holly pointed to Sophie’s wrist.

  It was a diamond and white-gold bangle.

  ‘It’s beautiful.’ Joe again broke the silence.

  ‘We wanted to spoil her,’ Joan said.

  ‘It’s flippin’ gorgeous,’ Lexie added.

  ‘It’s a lot more than I’ve ever got,’ Mandy noted.

  ‘It’s a very special occasion,’ Laura reminded her.

  ‘You look a bit peaky, darlin’. I think you’d best sit down,’ Lexie said to Anna, who felt as if she was going to faint. It was all too painful.

  ‘She had surgery not long ago,’ Joe announced.

  ‘What?’ Sophie looked upset.

  Laura froze.

  ‘It was nothing.’ Anna scowled at him.

  ‘It was not nothing and you were supposed to rest.’

  ‘Are you OK? Was it your ulcer?’

  ‘I’m fine, pet. It was a little procedure and it’s over now.’

  ‘You look very thin and pale,’ Sophie said.

  ‘That’s just stress.’ Anna stared into Sophie’s eyes.

  Sophie looked away. ‘Don’t do that. Don’t make me responsible for your life. I won’t do it.’

  Anna gasped.

  ‘Sophie!’ Holly exclaimed.

  ‘Go easy on her, darlin’,’ Lexie said.

  Mandy looked at Laura and raised an eyebrow. Laura nodded imperceptibly.

  ‘Sorry,’ Sophie muttered.

  Joan stepped in. ‘
Now, everyone, this is an emotional time for all of us. Let’s not say anything we’ll regret. Anna, come over here and sit down.’ She took Anna by the arm and escorted her to the garden table and chairs.

  Sophie turned to Laura. ‘Will you come over too? I need to talk to you both.’

  Joan waited until Laura was sitting down, then whispered in her ear, ‘I know this is hard but you have to put Sophie first. And don’t worry, she loves you.’

  Anna sat bolt upright in her chair, while Laura sat beside her, wrapping her arms around herself defensively.

  ‘Tea?’ Sophie asked.

  Both women shook their heads. They sensed something was coming and they were nervous.

  Sophie sat down opposite them, placed her hands on her knees and leaned forward. ‘I’ve asked Anna to come here today because I wanted to speak to you both together. I know it’s not easy for either of you, but I need you to hear me out.’

  ‘Of course,’ Anna said.

  ‘Go ahead,’ Laura added, crossing her legs to stop them shaking.

  ‘I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and soul-searching this summer, and while I’ve been shattered, shocked and very angry, I realized that that was getting me nowhere. At one point I felt as if I was going mad. I couldn’t sleep, I had no appetite. I think I was on the verge of a breakdown. This whole revelation has been really difficult. I’m not who I thought I was. Everything I believed to be true was a lie and I had to find a way to deal with it and to understand why everyone had behaved as they did.’

  Sophie paused and took a sip of water. Her fingers trembled. ‘I’m not saying I have all the answers or that I’ve sorted everything out in my head and made peace with it, but I’ve come up with a plan that will, I believe, be fair to everyone and allow me to stop feeling guilty all the time. Which is ironic because I’m the innocent party in this mess, yet I’ve been riddled with guilt for the last eight weeks.’

  ‘You have nothing to feel guilty about,’ Laura said. ‘You were abducted. How can that be your fault?’

  ‘It’s not your fault your mother was a drunk who neglected you,’ Anna put in.