by T. R. Cupak
“The fucker’s a geek. I wouldn’t fuck his mom if you paid me to.”
I push past the crowd and see a small boy with large, black-framed eyeglasses and acne all over his forehead. Reaching my hand out, he grabs it, instinctively trusting me. He must have been new; I hadn’t seen him before.
“Jonah,” he whispers, pursing his lips to disguise the pain. “Newbie, geek, and new punching bag for the school. Nice to meet you.”
“Addison, but my friends call me Addy. You can just call me Addy, or whatever. I’m so sorry. Raymond is a douche.”
“You okay, man?” Chase asks, worried.
“Yeah, bruises can heal.”
“For the record, don’t be offended if Simmons doesn’t want to fuck your mom. The dude has crabs. It’s best he stays away.”
“My mom’s dead.”
“Shit. Sorry, man.” Chase was running his hands through his hair uncomfortably.
We stand still for a few seconds, staring at each other with confusion as to what to say next, but we both knew this boy would be a friend.
“Still, you don’t want crabs following you to the grave. Don’t worry, man, I got your back.”
It was enough to make Jonah smile.
The song “Amazing Grace” begins to play, and without even hitting the chorus, Jonah’s mother lets out a wailing cry. It was enough for the four of us to begin crying in unison. Jonah once told us that the only woman he could ever love would be Catherine—the woman who adopted him at the age of five when every other woman walked past him at the orphanage. His dad, also dead, had been in the road accident that killed his birth mom.
The coffin is lowered to the ground. Slowly, we all walk towards the center with roses and other items in our hands. As a way to pay our respects to the man who had been an influential part of our lives, we hold onto some items he had given to us.
The four of us wait until the crowd disperses, until we’re standing alone staring at the coffin covered in flowers that is lowered deep into the ground.
Kimberley moves forward, a CD in hand.
“You always wanted me to fall in love with Guns N’ Roses and I never told you that I did.” She tosses the CD into the grave, the sound muffled as it lays on top of the wreaths. “I know you’re knockin’ on heaven’s door.”
Her tears fall from behind her sunglasses and onto her lips. Griffin pulls her in to comfort her just like old times. Kimberley, out of all of us, was the one who still made the effort to contact Jonah. They went to dinner and caught up whenever they could. They continued to form their bond outside of high school, so I knew the pain she was feeling now was deep and all encompassing.
Griffin keeps Kimberley at his side, holding onto her tight while carrying a badge in his hand.
“You, my friend, will always be the reason why I live to protect. I give you this, in honor of the mark you made in this world. Now, buddy, you will always be under my protection.”
Griffin chokes on his words, throwing the badge in and biting his lips to restrain himself from saying another word. The two of them take a step back, allowing Chase and me to pay our final respects.
We both step forward, holding hands, and stare into the giant hole, which seemed even more terrifying the closer we stood.
Chase is carrying his high school jersey. I still remember the moment when Jonah signed the back and drew a picture of a dick and balls, much to Chase’s anger. Jonah then made it into a bunny, which had us all in stitches.
“I miss you, man. You never knew how much I loved you. You were my brother, the only one who saw past my bullshit.” He staggers his words, overcome by emotions. “I’m sorry I never made the effort the last few years. Sorry that I let it all get to me, the football and the fame. You warned me this would happen and it did.”
He throws the jersey in and gets down on his knee to have a private moment, though his words are still loud enough to hear. “For you, brother. You’re never alone.”
Chase bows his head and Griffin joins him. The two of them sing a song Jonah absolutely hated. It was their thing—the boys.
It’s down to me and, like the rest of them, I carried this guilt. Perhaps out of all of them, I was the only one who threw myself so deep into my career that I couldn’t even think of the last time Jonah and I spoke. That’s how long ago it had been. But just like them, I should have seen the signs.
He begged us like crazy to catch up, offering us trips here and there so we could have a weekend away together. It just never happened. The reality was, we had all moved on from high school and we had responsibilities.
I take a step forward, careful of my footing as my heel digs into the dirt.
In my hand, I carried a photo strip. It had been taken at the county fair in a photobooth that Jonah believed was possessed. We had laughed or cried in every photo we took.
I stare at it one more time.
“You might have been taken away from us, but no one can take away the memories.”
Swallowing the giant lump in my throat, I attempt to hold back the tears, the ones that were heavy with guilt, and throw the photos into the grave.
Chase comforts me, his arm around me as I sob into his chest. Beside me, Kimberley was being consoled by Griffin.
But it was too late—we were all too late.
Our friend had needed us and we had left him behind.
Chapter Four
Addison
Griffin sits across the table, twirling his Coke with a straw. He’s withdrawn but trying to act present despite his quiet grieving.
It was just the two of us. Chase had a radio interview that he rushed back to the hotel to do, promising to meet us in an hour, and Kimberley had to pick up the girls from school and drop them off somewhere.
“This sucks,” I say, staring at the window blankly.
“You’re telling me.”
You never truly understand how awkward small talk is until you’re faced with trying to come up with something, not to sound stupid, in order to open the channels of conversation. On top of that, we were mourning our friend.
“So, how’s the cop business?”
“Cop business?” His lips move upwards into a smile. “It’s challenging. Every day is different.”
“I can imagine. It’s been forever since we spoke to each other last. And Kimberley tells me you live in Manhattan?”
“Bronx, moved there last year for a change. And for the record, you and I never spoke much to each other. I think this is the most we’ve ever spoken to each other.”
“That’s a lie.” I laugh, pulling a french fry from the pile in front of me. “I’m sure we spoke. It’s just that you were awkward around me. God knows why.”
Griffin stops drinking as his eyes become fixated on me in an odd way. It feels like many minutes pass, but perhaps that’s my mind exaggerating things. I was mentally exhausted.
“To put it into girl language, I had a crush on you.”
I almost choke on my fry, the end bit stuck in my throat causing me to gasp for air. I reach, mid-panic for the water, letting out an embarrassing cough until I’m able to breathe.
“Addy, are you okay?”
Griffin appears genuinely worried.
“But…” I clear my throat again, making an odd croaking sound. “You were in love with Kimberley.”
“Was I?”
“Yes.” I’m unable to pull myself away from his stare. He had never done this before—made me feel like anything more than Chase’s best friend. I had this unexplained yearning to touch his face, almost like it would calm the storm of emotions circling inside of me. I wanted to understand what’s behind his weighted stare that has made my stomach flip nervously and my heart rate spike. But instead, my vulnerability is probably a reaction to today’s events, and reading more into this is just stupid of me. Griffin was attractive—very attractive.
Stop thinking about him that way.
“C’mon, Griff, stop playing.”
The weight of
his stare is heavy and unnerving. I play with the crucifix charm that dangles on my necklace, desperate to ask him to stop because any minute now Chase or Kimberley would walk in and see this unusual exchange between us.
“You’re right…” I could almost feel the disappointment as his words escape and his stare moves towards the window, bursting the bubble that had just surrounded me. “Besides, we were just kids.”
“Right.” I nod. “Just kids.”
My shoulders slump; I’m embarrassed and confused by what just happened. When it came to men, I wasn’t that confident. I knew I wasn’t ugly; I just wasn’t comfortable expressing my sexuality. When it came to work and being in the office, that was a whole other story. I was in my element. I don’t know why this is even racing through my brain.
The automatic doors open, and Chase walks through, searching the diner until he finds us in the corner. He’s still dressed in his suit and tie, looking gorgeous like he stepped out of some glamour magazine.
“Parking was awful. God, this town hasn’t changed much. One farmers’ markets and suddenly you’re fighting for a spot. What did I miss?”
“Uh, nothing much. Just reminiscing about old times,” I say quickly, followed by a fake smile.
Chase slides in beside me, getting so close that our bodies touch, resting his hand on my leg like old times. He didn’t seem bothered or aware of his actions even though my leg weighs heavy with his touch and I’m very aware that my dress has ridden up slightly.
The waitress is quick to come over, recognizing Chase and asking for his autograph. He didn’t appear as full of himself as I would have thought; rather, he kindly obliges her then shifts his attention back to us.
“I’m beat. I just wish…” Chase clears his throat, the emotion affecting him. “I just wish we had more time. I wish I hadn’t ignored his messages of random naked women he would send me. Okay, so it was my way of having a laugh but it was his cry for help and I just didn’t see it…”
“You were busy.” I lay my hand on his. “You couldn’t know. None of us were meant to know.”
“But we should have known, Addy. We all promised to be there for each other and we just left each other.”
“That’s life, Chase. We were kids. We didn’t know better. Don’t beat yourself up over it, okay?”
Griffin shakes his head, and my gaze shifts towards him. I never noticed until now how green his eyes were. How, when he was deep in thought, he bit his lip towards the bottom left.
“He’s right—we abandoned him. He depended on us and we just left him.” Griffin’s heavy tone is riddled with guilt.
“Okay, stop, the both of you.” I cry, moving away from Chase. “We grew up. It’s the cycle of life. Jonah was an adult, and hell, a smart one too. He made decisions, many that he believed were good. I loved him just as much as you guys, but I refuse to sit here and blame myself for something he chose to do.”
I push Chase out of the seat and throw some bills onto the table. “I have to go.”
I leave the two of them inside, running outside where I burst into tears. The thing about guilt is it eats away at you. Jonah had reached out to me, and sometimes I responded and we laughed over old times. But just like the boys, I should have heard the desperation in his voice. I should have known that he was suffering.
Instead, it was more important for me to take a business call.
More important for me to answer somebody else’s email.
And, it was more important for me to ignore an old friend because I didn’t want to admit that the promises we made in high school had been left behind.
Standing outside, the dark clouds above threaten rain. I give myself a moment to accept blame in all of this. I shouldn’t have gotten angry with the boys, they said exactly what I was feeling. I just had this shitty way of never admitting the truth.
That had been my pattern, to bury my head in the sand like an ostrich.
A set of arms drapes over my shoulders, and without looking I know it’s Chase. They’re the same arms that draped over me every single day we were together in school.
And on the left, a hand touches mine. It’s warm, yet unfamiliar, and still exactly what I need at this moment.
It belongs to Griffin.
I don’t let go. I needed both of them right now and was no longer afraid to admit it. All that was missing was Kimberley.
“We need to honor Jonah the proper way,” Chase tells us.
I smile through my tears. Jonah deserved that, and I knew he would appreciate it.
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Griff smirks, watching Chase.
Chase grins. “You know it, bro. Let’s get Kimmy.”
He grabs my hand and holds it, giving me a smile as we pile into his rental car to go pick up the missing person to our puzzle.
Chapter Five
Addison
“Aw, c’mon, Kimmy, you sure you can’t make it?”
We’re standing outside the diner where Kimberley joined us only a few minutes ago. Chase moves closer to Kimberley, moving into her personal space and throwing his arm over her shoulder, as he begs her to come to the city with us.
It’s usually a four-hour drive to Manhattan, but Chase threw caution—and money—to the wind and hired a last-minute private plane. He was determined to honor Jonah’s life and refused to do it in a town than Jonah had so desperately wanted to get out of.
As Kimberley hugs me tight, the smell of her perfume invades the air that surrounds me. We both pull back and Kimberley releases a shallow sigh while I smile proudly at her.
“I’m sorry I can’t come with you,” she admits sadly. “Sophia got busted trying to shoplift with her stupid friends and Emily has a stomach bug. But don’t worry, you guys can come back for the ceremony where they hand me the Worst Mother of the Year award.”
I couldn’t even sympathize, having no clue how to raise children. All I knew is that she did the best job she could given the circumstances.
It had been a difficult time for all of us and I wished we had more time to catch up. I missed having a best friend that I could confide in ten times a day with the stupidest of problems, someone who genuinely had my back. I’m not sure why we drifted apart, but I wanted to reassure her that I would make the time to stay in touch.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. This is just a phase. Remember when we used to go into to the store and use their tester makeup before our date nights?”
Kimberley chuckles softly. “Those were the days.”
She embraces Chase, much to his disappointment, then turns to face Griffin. I watch with curiosity while pretending to be interested in a tourist bus that drives by at the same time.
They always had a special connection. They never spoke many words, but communicated through their eyes. I was a bit envious. Chase and I, on the other hand, were very vocal. Our screaming matches could be heard a town over. As much as I loved Chase at the time, he was a very reactive person and I became just like him. Over the years, after spending time with other men, I learned that Chase was Chase. That was his personality and it’s probably how he got where he was and followed his dream of becoming quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys.
Chase shuffles impatiently as Griffin leans into Kimberley, whispering something into her ear. The noise of cars driving past make it impossible to hear anything but whatever he said to her made her smile. It’s the same smile she wore every time she told me she was in love with Griffin Sloan.
I twist the ends of my hair around my fingers rapidly, ignoring the tight-chested feeling that struck me seeing them together like that. Raising my eyes away from the ground where I had spent the last minute focusing on an oddly-shaped rock, I catch them in a kiss. It’s not a tongue kiss, sloppy or anything sexual, but it’s on the lips.
“Okay, guys, have fun. Have a drink for me.” She waves, blowing us a kiss and hopping in her car.
“A drink.” Chase laughs. “You guys better saddle up. By the time I’m done w
ith you guys, you won’t remember your name.”
We end up at a bar not too far from Madison Square Garden. Chase loved the crowd; they were hardcore Dallas football fans that had been traveling to Manhattan for business. The attention would have bothered me normally, but the four shots of Patrón I’d had made the fans seem like happy unicorns. And unicorns made me happy, so it’s a win for me.
Chase kept shouting orders for rounds of drinks eventually disappeared to the bar leaving Griffin and me to man the table in the corner.
I hold up a glass, ready to throw another one back when Griffin grabs my wrist tightly. “Slow down, okay.”
“Look at you, Mr. Cop, acting all fancy with your cop attitude. I’m fine,” I slur, dragging out the last word. I hold out my hand. “See? Steady as a rock.”
Griffin takes my hand, his fingers gently caressing the top of my hand until he raises it to meet his lips. His steady gaze never leaves mine. I’m dumbfounded and at a loss of what to say. The people surrounding us are talking loudly, and the sound of “Nothin’ on You” featuring Bruno Mars is playing over the speakers. It’s all just noise, random noise that is doing nothing to drown the sound of my thumping heart.
“Show me again?”
My hand begins to shake, the warm sensation of his lips against my skin having thrown everything off balance. It’s the Patrón. And drinking was the only thing on my agenda tonight. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had let loose like this.
“Um, here.” I hold out my hand, certain it’s steady.
“You’re shaking.”
“No.” I laugh and slap him on the shoulder. “It’s just the lighting in here.”
“Oh really?” He grabs my hand from his shoulder and plants his mouth on it again, though this time, his kisses move towards my wrist, a very sensitive spot on my body. Holy fuck.
I’m mesmerized by the desire in his eyes. Griffin is attractive. Okay, whatever, he is hot. Sex on a stick. You name it. He ticks all the boxes of an Adonis: chiselled jaw and luscious lips in a perfect pink tone that looked soft and inviting. His eyes—green and enchanting—are like some sexual vortex. And though I promise myself not to stare, my eyes trace down until I’m staring at his chest. He works out. Great, another visual.
