Dweeb

by Aaron Starmer

  “Now, I don’t claim to know what’s best for you. But I do know you haven’t been given the chance to figure that out for yourselves. You deserve that chance. Otherwise, you might as well be locked away in a room somewhere.

  “When I was given that chance, I decided I didn’t like any of you. That was a mistake. But mistakes aren’t forever. And now when I make new mistakes, I don’t want to do it alone. I want friends. Heck, I want enemies. I want to find out who all of you are, and not miss out on things. And we can all at least share that. Otherwise, if we’re perfect, if we all have everything … we’re sharing nothing. We’re being no one. We’re not real.”

  The crowd still didn’t move. Elijah let his emotions loose.

  “So put down the Mackers! Tell the school you’re sick of perfection! Boycott the Idaho Tests and let the fear take hold! Let’s do things … that kids are just supposed to do!”

  He took a deep breath. That was it. He had said his piece. He might not have changed any minds, but at least he could walk out of there knowing he had tried.

  Whispers passed back and forth through the crowd and progressed to a low murmur. Then Karen Esposito pointed at him.

  “The ugly cheerleader is right,” she yelled.

  “Thank you!” Elijah cried, throwing his hands in the air and stepping toward the bleachers. “Finally!”

  “You’re welcome,” Karen yelled back. “Because you are spot-on. You never liked us! And you still don’t!”

  “Uhhh …” Elijah took a step back.

  “You’re standing smack-dab in the path of our success, and that is unacceptable! My proposition? We clobber him!”

  All at once, everyone in the crowd nodded. And all at once, they stood up. They looked like a pack of bloodthirsty penguins, equal parts creepy and ridiculous. And they were ready to attack.

  “Destruction to distractions!” Karen Esposito yelled.

  The rest of the gym echoed, “Destruction to distractions!”

  As the kids descended from their seats, all the teachers, glassy-eyed and silent, stepped out of their way. They seemed to condone what was about to happen. Perhaps they had no other choice, Elijah thought. He closed his eyes. He had never been good at picturing his own future. He certainly hadn’t pictured his end coming at the hands of a mob of overachievers. He imagined the newspaper headlines:

  DEATH BY PEP

  CHEER SILENCED BY THE TEST-OBSESSED

  OUT-DWEEBED

  “Destruction to distractions! Destruction to distractions!” they chanted.

  Lost in what he believed would be his final thoughts, he hardly noticed the sound of the revving motor. As the sound got louder, he opened his eyes.

  The crowd had stopped advancing. Their attention had shifted to the door. That was when a bright purple minibike came hurtling into the gym. And riding it was none other than Tyler Kelly.

  He barreled through the crowd, engine screaming and wheels smoking. Kids scattered to get out of his way, and those who weren’t quite quick enough were pushed to the ground by their classmates.

  As Tyler sped toward center court, he kicked out the back tire and did a stuntman-quality skid, stopping inches away from Elijah.

  “Glad to see me?” Tyler said.

  “Never thought it was possible,” Elijah said. “But yes. Definitely yes.”

  “Settle down, Geekspeare,” Tyler said, standing up. “I’ve got enough cheerleaders crushin’ on me. I’ll take care of this and be on my way.”

  Tyler reached into his pocket and removed a crumpled pile of papers.

  “What’s that?” Elijah asked.

  “Gold,” Tyler said. “Solid.”

  “Step aside,” someone yelled from the crowd. “Some of us are serious students. Some of us want to succeed.”

  “Well, I’ve got some serious success right here in my hand,” Tyler said, shaking the papers in the air.

  “What is it?” someone else yelled.

  “What else?” Tyler smiled. “The answers to this year’s Idaho Tests. Want ’em? Come and get ’em.”

  “What are you doing, Tyler?” Elijah asked, now worried for both their safety.

  “Being real,” Tyler said with a devilish, knowing smile. “I was told this would help turn things back to the way they were. And isn’t that what both of us want?”

  Before anyone could touch him, Tyler stuffed the papers back into his pocket and, hunching over his minibike, gunned it through the crowd.

  Madness followed. No one cared about Elijah anymore: the test answers were all that mattered. They pushed each other, tore at each other’s hair, kicked, bit, and generally did unscholarly things.

  The bleachers couldn’t handle such chaos. The wood started splintering and cracking. As if fighting their way out of a crashing wave, kids and teachers rolled and tumbled from the rickety structure until they found the shoreline of the gymnasium floor. Then they were on their feet, at dead sprints.

  Within just a few moments, the gym was empty except for Elijah. Broken wood littered the floor, a basketball hoop had crashed to the ground, and pom-poms lay scattered like giant carnations left over after a dance. There was a gaping hole where the supports to the bleachers once stood.

  Dust flurried through the air. Stunned, Elijah stood motionless at center court. Then he heard that familiar sound, that almost forgotten growl.

  Chapter 26

  EDDIE

  “I’d appreciate a thank-you,” Snodgrass said.

  Eddie’s fingers brushed the floor and his face was sports-car red. It was difficult to speak, but he coughed out the words “I’d never thank you.”

  “Well, you should,” Snodgrass said. “’Cause you and your pals are going to be famous.”

  “Yeah, for stopping you,” Eddie said. Hanging upside down, he could only see Snodgrass’s feet and that nasty little Xerxes slobbering around the room.

  “Wishful thinking,” Snodgrass snapped back. “No, we’re talking about the DWEEB serum. Proof that genetics can be manipulated by the simple act of swallowing.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “Why do you think I kept you down here?” Snodgrass said.

  “’Cause you knew we were dangerous,” Eddie said.

  “You’re about as dangerous as dandelions, kid.” Snodgrass laughed. “No, I needed to keep your DNA pure. As the DWEEB serum was revised and adjusted, it was important to have all five of you well fed, well studied, and well … contained.”

  “You called it the DWEEB serum?”

  “Of course I did. ’Cause they’re you, Mr. Green. All those kids up there. Perfect distillations of you, and Wendell, and Denton, and Bijay, and Elijah. It was quite clever, actually. Get five of the brightest kids in various disciplines, throw their DNA into a blender, mix up a potion. Get that potion into the school and you have yourself a bunch of superstudents. Heck, you can even make a man act like a beast with the stuff. When I first tested this out last week, I used Xerxes’ DNA. I gave it to a test subject and he—well, I’ll spare you some science talk that might scramble your brain and turn you into a whirling dervish.”

  “My middle-school brain is clear enough to know you’re insane,” Eddie said, energy and anger now coursing through his body. “And that what you’ve done is criminal and despicable.”

  “What’s criminal about making better students?” Snodgrass said. “What’s despicable about creating a world where everyone is equal?”

  “How could you possibly think you were going to get away with this?” Eddie asked.

  “The same way anyone gets away with anything,” he said. “Cash a check. Walk away. You may be seeing DWEEB behind the prescription counter soon. But you certainly won’t be seeing much of me. Bloom and McKenzie can take the heat. And you, well, like I said, you can thank me. I’ve made you famous. The first E in DWEEB.”

  With that, Snodgrass gave Eddie a push that sent him swinging, then moved toward the door, snickering.

  As Eddie swooped back and
forth over the floor, he caught a glimpse of Xerxes chewing on one of the test books. An idea came to him in a flash. It was his last hope.

  Grabbing at one of Xerxes’ wheels, Eddie swiped him off the floor and sent the beast into a slobbering, wiggling rage.

  “I’m guessing you’ll want to take your friend with you,” he said.

  Snodgrass’s tone became very serious. “Yes, I believe I will. So kindly hand him back before I do more than just swing you on that line.”

  “Go and get him!” Eddie snarled, and with all his energy he hurled Xerxes at the wall. He didn’t want to hurt the dog, and luckily, his aim was true.

  As Xerxes struck the Perseverance poster, it crumpled around him and he fell through the hole.

  “Xerxes, oh, sweet Xerx,” Snodgrass cried, running to the hole.

  The pain in Eddie’s ankle was nearly unbearable, but this was his chance. He clenched his stomach muscles and bent his body in half. The daily regimen of sit-ups McKenzie had forced upon them was proving most helpful. He wanted to scream but he fought the urge, gritting his teeth. Instead, he focused on grabbing hold of the blanket tied to his ankles.

  “Almost got you, almost got you,” Snodgrass said as he reached back behind the wall.

  Snatching the blanket, Eddie tugged himself up until he could reach the pipe. He held it with one hand and untied the snare around his ankles with the other.

  “Just a little closer,” Snodgrass said. “Come a teensy bit closer.”

  Dangling from the pipe, Eddie briefly considered dropping to the floor and dashing to the stairs. His ankle couldn’t handle that, though. He needed something to break his fall. He shinnied across the pipe toward the wall.

  “A little closer. A little closer …”

  As Eddie hurled himself onto Snodgrass’s back and grabbed a handful of his jacket, he felt years of frustration release from his body. “Settle down, tiger!” Eddie hooted. “That’s what they always say to me.”

  Like a rodeo bull, Snodgrass lurched back and tumbled around the room, trying to knock him off. But Eddie simply held on tight and laughed.

  In a last-ditch effort to gain the upper hand, Snodgrass stopped, then shifted into reverse gear. He plowed toward the bunks.

  Just as Eddie was about to be crushed against a wooden rail, he pushed off with his knees and propelled himself onto the upper bunk. And as Snodgrass’s bony body jumped backward, Eddie hooked his fingers on the waistband of the vice principal’s underwear.

  Everything slowed down. Eddie landed on the mattress. He yanked at the waistband and in one swift motion, he hung it on the edge of the rail.

  Many kids must have had this dream, Eddie thought. But Eddie had actually done it. He had given his vice principal a hanging wedgie.

  Unfortunately, he didn’t have the luxury to bask in the moment. He needed to get out of there. Fast. Lowering himself off the bunk, he carefully set his good foot down and began hopping to the door.

  “You filthy little brat!” Snodgrass screamed as he flailed like a fish on a line, his arms not long enough to dislodge himself, his feet dangling mere inches off the floor. It would have been nice to stay and watch him struggle for a while, but Eddie needed to find his friends.

  “Hey, Snod-nose,” Eddie said from the doorway. “Hang tight. I’ll send someone to get you in a week.”

  Before Snodgrass could respond, Eddie hopped out of the room and threw the door shut.

  Chapter 27

  ELIJAH

  The first thing that emerged from the chasm in the gymnasium floor was a scratched and bruised hand. Then a bald, swaying head, rising up like a cobra’s, and a leg adorned with a heavy and broken chain.

  Principal Phipps stood amid the rubble, gritting his teeth and shaking his leg nervously. He started biting at his own shoulder and making strange growling sounds.

  “Pr-Principal—Ph-Phipps?” Elijah stuttered, not sure whether to get any closer. The man looked awful.

  Phipps straightened himself up and tried to speak. “Elij—ark! Elij—ark!”

  “Are you okay?” Elijah said. “Can I help you?”

  “You d-d-did—help m-me. You f-found me.” He hung his head and panted heavily.

  “Can I get you something to drink?” Elijah really didn’t know what else to say. For all the strange things he had seen in the past week, the strangest was his principal, bedraggled, beaten down, and defeated.

  “No more drink!” he snapped. Then he started growling. It was the same growl Elijah had heard all week. Phipps’s eyes narrowed and he started toward Elijah as if he were going to attack.

  “Down, boy!” came a voice from behind him.

  Phipps heeled. Elijah turned.

  Eddie was hopping on one foot at the other end of the gym, wrapped in a sheet.

  Phipps started twitching and making a robble, robble, robble noise.

  “Holy cow. He’s the test subject Snodgrass was talking about. He took Xerxes’ DNA and used it on Phipps!” Eddie said with surprise.

  “What?” Elijah said.

  “I’ll explain later. What happened to the others?”

  “You don’t know?” Elijah said.

  “I don’t.”

  “We might,” came two voices.

  Stepping into the gym, Denton and McKenzie resembled something impossible—a duo, a team … friends.

  “Watch out, Denton,” Eddie cried. “McKenzie is right next to you.”

  “Of course he is,” Denton said, straightening the Marines cap on his head. “He’s one of the good guys.”

  “Rosen,” McKenzie hollered, in full gym-teacher mode. “Step aside and let’s have a gander at Mr. Phipps.”

  McKenzie double-timed it over to Elijah and gently guided him out of the way.

  “Mr. Phipps,” McKenzie said calmly. “Everything in order?”

  “Snodgrass … he poisoned … he turned me into …” He started snarling like a dog before he could finish talking. McKenzie stepped forward and placed a hand on his back.

  “It’s all right,” he said comfortingly. “It’ll be fine.”

  “We checked the AV room. Bijay was gone. But he set up a DVD,” Denton explained. “He recorded everything everyone was saying. You won’t believe some of the things we heard.”

  McKenzie turned to Eddie. “We got a location on Snodgrass?”

  “Downstairs,” Eddie said with a satisfied smile.

  “I’ll take care of him,” McKenzie said. “You fellas track down the other two. We’ll get this thing straightened out.”

  “He’s just letting us go?” Elijah asked.

  “Of course,” Denton said. “He needs our help saving the school. He loves this place more than anyone.”

  “Get going, guys,” McKenzie said, pulling a cell phone out of his pocket and flipping it open.

  “Who’s he calling?” Elijah asked, still shaken and confused.

  “I’ve still got a few friends in this town,” McKenzie said, leaving it at that. “Denton, remember what I told you.”

  “What did he tell you?” Elijah asked.

  “Don’t drink any water.”

  Chapter 28

  WENDELL

  With her soft, snowy hands, Nurse Bloom guided Wendell’s chair into the parking lot. It careened from side to side, but she managed to keep it relatively straight.

  Wendell did what he could, pushing off with his feet when he was at risk of toppling over. Mostly he let Nurse Bloom, her white jacket rippling behind her, do all the work. He’d happily stay stuck if it meant Bloom led the way.

  “You’re lucky we haven’t crashed yet. I’ve always been a bit of a klutz,” she said. “As a little girl, I used to be so afraid to do anything. In school, my biggest fear was tripping and falling into an open locker and then getting locked inside.”

  Wendell chuckled. In his lap, he held a large plastic bottle of water they had just filled up from the sink in her office.

  “I know.” She laughed. “Crazy, but these are the
things you worry about. Being a kid is no fun, right?”

  “I don’t know,” Wendell said. “It’s tough, certainly.”

  “The kids in school now,” Bloom said, “they’re different … on another level. I would have been so jealous. Such confidence. Such drive. Impressive.”

  “Freaky is more like it,” Wendell said.

  “Yes, a bit. True. But can’t you relate? You’re a driven guy too, Wendell. A genius, really. Doesn’t that make you feel good about yourself?”

  “I don’t know,” he said. “It just makes me feel like … myself.”

  “And you should be proud of yourself.” Bloom slowed the chair to a stop next to a solitary yellow bus, the only vehicle in the entire parking lot.

  “I figured out your puzzle,” Wendell said, shifting the water bottle in his lap. “The codes.”

  “I knew you would,” she said. “I depended on it. I needed your help.”

  “What’s the water for?” Wendell asked.

  “If we’re going to save the world, we’ll need it,” she said.

  Behind them, a deep rumbling shook the school. It worried Wendell, but it made Nurse Bloom smile.

  She took a step onto the bus and then reached down, grabbed the water bottle, and placed it on board. Then she descended the stairs and stepped back into the parking lot.

  “Thanks, Wen,” she said. She wheeled him a few yards away from the bus to a spot where they could see the front entrance to the school.

  “What next?” he asked.

  “I’d be willing to bet this parking lot will be full of kids any minute now.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Let’s just say I encouraged Tyler Kelly to be a little bit of bait.”

  “Are we going to cure them?” Wendell asked.

  Nurse Bloom thought about the question for a moment. “Do you think your classmates are sick?”

  “I think there’s something wrong with them, yeah.”

  “I see,” Bloom said. “When I was your age, I might have thought the same thing. And I’ll admit, they have problems with their tempers, their impulsiveness, their snobbiness, their various … appetites. But all that comes from within you guys. And in future versions, we can weed that stuff out.”