Honor Before Heart

by Heather McCorkle

“All right, I will not leave you.”

  She opened her coat, snuggled intimately against him, and wrapped both her arms and her coat around him. Shock rendered him speechless. Such boldness was unheard of, forbidden. But then, he had nearly died and still might if fever took him. He supposed that must be enough motive for her to break such codes of acceptable conduct. The men’s clothing couldn’t hide the press of her breasts against his chest, the wonderful curve of her hip as he snaked his arm around her. Best of all, this close, the medicine, wet wool, and blood scents faded, allowing him to catch a whiff of her feminine scent of vanilla and roses.

  Had he his wits about him, he would have done the honorable thing and moved away. But he didn’t. Or so he told himself. Sleep snuck over him like the mists of his old homeland. Suspicion stirred in him that she would not stay true to her word, but his thoughts became muddled and he grew unable to fight off unconsciousness. Soothed by the feel of her heart beating against his, he drifted off.

  Chapter 4

  Leaf-laden branches grabbed at Ashlinn’s clothing and arms, some snagging material, others snagging flesh in their attempts to thwart her efforts to move along the riverbank. Clouds crowded the night sky, choking out both the moon and starlight. She had to walk slowly just as much because of lack of light as to ensure her footsteps remained quiet. More than once she was forced to backtrack and go around impassable bushes that she didn’t recall being in the way.

  But she had to do this. Sean had been burning with fever when she left, his skin so hot she became uncomfortable lying beside him. And not just because of the heat. She had never been so close to a man she wasn’t related to before, and though he was wounded and sick, it still felt wonderfully intimate. If she didn’t get something to help his fever break, she feared he might not make it. That bothered her more than she cared to admit. This soldier had a quality to him that was charming, unforgettable, and it had wormed its way into her somehow despite her reluctance to allow attachments to form.

  What little light made it through the oppressive clouds shown upon the flowing water of the river on her right. It offered at least a bit of guidance so she didn’t wander off and get completely lost. The temptation to do so, to continue searching for someone she would likely never find, tugged at her, as always. This time, having a purpose, she fought it off. That light soon reflected on a towering tree that tugged at her memory. She recalled a big old oak near where she had seen the yarrow growing. Stopping, she drew in a deep breath through her nose. Even beyond the wet plant life, dirt, and brackish river, the overly sweet scent of yarrow drifted to her.

  Following her nose, she let her hands trail along the tall grass, feeling for the flowering plant. The smell grew particularly strong and she stopped, concentrating on the area. At last, her fingers brushed across a head of flowers. Even in the dim light, she could tell the tiny flowers were those she needed. She picked several and tucked them into the pockets of her coat. Dried, they would have been much better in tea, but at least this way they’d be more potent. Just as she was about to rise from her crouch, footsteps rustled through the tall grass nearby. Hand going to the knife at her waist, she turned to look over her shoulder. A figure approached from not more than twenty feet away.

  Dim light shone off the long barrel of a musket pointed in her direction. Halfway up from her crouch, she froze.

  “Be you Reb or Yank?” called a gruff voice. The thick, Southern accent marked the man more clearly than a look at his uniform would.

  Doing her best to deepen her voice, she answered, “Reb.”

  The barrel of the gun lowered a bit but didn’t point away. “What are you doing out here, soldier?”

  She had to bite back the temptation to ask him the same thing. Again she tried her best to sound like a man. “Doctor, not a soldier. Gathering herbs.” Deepening her voice and throwing a Southern drawl into it proved incredibly hard.

  “What’s wrong with your voice?”

  The rough knife handle dug into her hand as she gripped it tighter and stood. “Soldier with a fever.”

  Head cocking to one side, the Reb moved closer. “No, that ain’t it.”

  Fast as a snake, he lunged in and knocked the cap from her head. Her blond tresses tumbled free, falling down past her shoulders to shine like beacons that betrayed her. In her haste to leave, she hadn’t bound her hair up, just stuffed it under the cap. A rather feminine gasp slipped from her as her hand dashed out to catch her cap.

  The soldier let out a whoop. “A woman! Well then, I think it’s time for some healing, little miss.”

  She took another step back as he moved another closer. Thrusting her head up high, she poured on the Southern accent. “You would not dare violate the person who may one day save your life.” The ruse of being a man may no longer save her, but she hoped that of being a Reb nurse might.

  Laughter hiccupped from the soldier. “Of course not, I’m no idiot. But yah see, your accent keeps slipping from Georgia to Virginia, putting me of a mind that maybe you ain’t Southern at all.”

  Eyes scanning the darkness, she swallowed hard and looked for any avenue of escape. Would he use the musket on her? Doubtless. The real question was, would he use it before or after he raped her?

  “That is ridiculous. I am from Georgia but have just been in Virginia long enough to pick up the accent,” she attempted.

  He shook his head. “Naw, that ain’t it at all.”

  Again and again he stepped forward, forcing her back farther and farther. Something soft brushed her arm. Her back struck the rough bark of a tree. Heart racing like a wild horse, she clutched her knife tighter, holding it to her side so he couldn’t see it. The last thing she wanted to do was use it on him. After all the death she had seen, the lives she struggled to save every day, it went against everything she stood for. The twisted grin on his bristly face revealed crooked teeth that he kept running his tongue over. His beady eyes crawled over her with a hunger that made her cringe.

  “You do not want to do this,” she tried one last time.

  The barrel of the musket finally lowered as he tucked it under his arm and reached for his belt. “Oh, I most certainly do. Ain’t never had me a Yankee woman. Reckon they’s a bit different.” Each word was rushed and a bit breathless, as if the idea of violating her had him worked into a frenzy. Her repulsion to use the knife on him began to fade.

  His belt buckle jingled and she was suddenly quite glad for the darkness. She did not want to see what was coming at her.

  “Now you be real nice and I won’t kill you,” he said.

  Another step and his tobacco rank breath panted against her face. Hands grabbed for her, fists burying in her coat, yanking her from the tree. She slipped, stumbled, and fell sprawling on her back. Wet grass cooled her sweating palms.

  The knife!

  Oh God, where had it gone? Panic prickled through her like a porcupine’s quills. Fingers scrambling around in the grass, she began to turn. A rifle butt collided with her shoulder hard enough to throw her onto her back again. Pain exploded out from the point of impact. Her physician’s mind analyzed the injury on instinct. Nothing felt broken, but damn it hurt. The man was suddenly upon her, his knees forcing her legs apart.

  Reaching up as high as she could, she wrapped her legs around his midsection, bowed her back, and thrust down and to the side with her hips. The soldier grunted as he slammed into the ground. For a blessed moment, she was free. Her left hand came across a cold, metal object. After a moment of fumbling with it, she found the hilt of the knife and grabbed it. The back of a hand slapped her hard across the face, leaving her right cheek stinging. Not caring about the small indignity, she slid the knife beneath the man’s beard and pressed ever so slightly against his throat. The man froze.

  All that wrestling with her brothers when she was young suddenly didn’t seem like child’s play, and she was more than thankful that they hadn’t been easy on her.

  “I will kill
you if you do not get off me,” she said.

  A low growl rumbled nearby, soft and threatening. In the darkness behind the soldier, a figure approached. So intent was the soldier on her that he didn’t even seem to hear the shuffling gait. A rifle rose behind him. Ashlinn moved the knife away from the soldier’s throat just before the butt of that rifle came slamming down on the back of her assailant’s head. The man collapsed onto her, going limp. His rancid breath brushed her cheek. With a mighty shove, she pushed him off her and scrambled up. Swaying on his feet, face pale as moonlight, stood Sean, the hulking shadow of Cliste at his side.

  Shame burned through Ashlinn. Though she knew it was undeserved, she couldn’t banish it. She scrambled to her feet. Her head dropped and she fussed with her clothing, trying to straighten and smooth the material. Before she could finish drawing in a ragged breath, Cliste reached her side and began nudging her hand. Sean approached, moved past her toward the downed Rebel, and a moment later, she heard a blade enter flesh. She spun around to face him, all concern over herself banishing.

  “Did you really have to kill him?”

  Sean nodded as he stumbled back over to her side. “Aye. He would have searched for us, told others about us. And if he found us, I’m not sure I could protect you in my state. And o’ course there’s the fact that he would later kill my brothers-in-arms.”

  It was such an impossible thing to argue with, but she found herself wanting to nonetheless. Her lips remained closed, though. She couldn’t fault a man who wanted to protect her and his fellow soldiers, not over this. Still, despite the fact that the man had attacked her, would have raped her, and that she had held a knife to his throat, she hadn’t wanted him dead. Bile tried to rise up her throat but she swallowed it down.

  The heat of Sean’s fingers on her arm brought her back to the problem at hand. It was all she could do not to flinch away from his gentle fingers. Not because of what he had done so much, but because they burned like brands against her skin. “Are you all right?” he asked in a voice as soft as his touch.

  She nodded. “Aye, I am well enough thanks to you. But you should not be up and about.”

  As if to prove her words right, Sean swayed. She placed an arm carefully around his waist to steady him. “Nor should you. You said you would not leave me.”

  The wounded, fearful tone in his voice made her heart clench. “I know, and I am sorry but your fever grew worse. I had to. How did you even know I was gone?”

  They began to walk back toward their meager camp. Sean’s body burned in a line as hot as coals against hers. Only her strong hands and steady steps kept them both upright.

  “Cliste woke me when she went runnin’ out. It gave me the feelin’ somethin’ was wrong,” he whispered.

  Unable to respond past the lump in her throat, Ashlinn just nodded. In the midst of a debilitating fever, he had roused himself out of concern for her. During the course of this war she had become used to being mostly invisible to the soldiers. She had come to accept it was due in part to her quiet manner and inability to comfort them as a mother would. Instincts like those were ones she had never fully developed. But this man saw her, and cared about her well-being. As much as she hated to admit it, she cared for him as well. Anyone who could show kindness and compassion, to the point of endangering their own life for that of a hound, was someone special. She wasn’t sure what to do with that.

  He made a soft sound low in his throat and patted Cliste on the head. “Even from such a distance, she knew you needed us,” he marveled. “This war has made monsters of men and noblemen of beasts.”

  The words chilled her to her bones, for more than one reason. Glancing back at the still corpse of the man who would have violated her and murdered her, she had to disagree. Some men had come into this war monsters.

  Chapter 5

  The soft patter of rain on leaves woke Sean. A bitter aftertaste from the tea lingered upon his tongue, making him work it against the roof of his mouth. Pale sunlight caressed the golden locks of Ashlinn’s hair that lay strewn across his chest. She felt so wonderful and warm curled up against his side that he didn’t want to move. Wicked of him, he knew, but he would allow himself this one little indiscretion, just this once. He had danced intimately with death, after all. Surely it wasn’t so wrong to allow himself this one moment of happiness.

  Besides, he didn’t want to let her go after what she’d been through. Seeing that man attacking her had struck a chord deep inside him, awakening a protectiveness that still resonated throughout him. It was utterly unexpected and a bit frightening. Surrounded by so much death all the time, he tried to keep his emotions locked away. But this woman had found a key, however small.

  Outside, the haze of rain made it difficult to see more than ten feet or so. Thankfully, his little nurse had done an excellent job of putting up their tent and very little moisture save for that which seeped up from the ground found its way in. Despite the rain, the day was so warm it crested over from pleasant to slightly uncomfortable. Soft panting and the rhythmic thump of a tail told Cliste, who lay near his head, found the summer day anything but comfortable.

  Careful so as not to disturb Ashlinn, he started to prop himself up on the elbow of his good arm. Dull pain throbbed in his side, not enough to take his breath away, just enough to make him move slower. Regardless of his care, Ashlinn stirred.

  “What’s the matter?” she whispered.

  Shaking his head, he smiled down at her. With her blond hair spread out around her shoulders, teasing her delicate collarbones, she truly did resemble an angel. One that looked beautiful and quite alluring in a man’s shirt and breeches.

  “Nothin’. Just wantin’ to see how high the sun is. How long have I been out?”

  The back of her hand rose to stifle a yawn. “Not long. Six or seven hours maybe.”

  She sat up, crossed her legs before her, and reached for his forehead. All the willpower in the world couldn’t keep the blood from flowing to his cheeks. He had never seen a woman strike such a casual, unladylike pose, let alone touch a man so readily with her bare hands. A very wicked part of him liked it, a lot. He had to forcibly remind himself that she was being a nurse and he was not being dishonorable by allowing her to do her job.

  Oblivious to his embarrassment, she nodded. “Good, your fever broke. How do you feel?”

  The crotch of her breeches drew his gaze like a moth to a flame. He had never seen a woman in men’s breeches and he decided in that moment that he rather liked it. Then again, it was a very distracting sight.

  “Um…uh…”

  What had she said?

  Cliste leapt to his rescue, literally. She sat up on her haunches and licked his left cheek, leaving it slimy and damp. Laughing, he scratched behind one of the hound’s ears, continuing to stroke her head as she laid it upon his leg. Something strange on her collar drew his attention. It felt like a small cylinder, the kind meant to hold medicine or such. For a nurse’s dog it made sense he supposed.

  “I feel much better.”

  His gaze shifted to the hazy world outside their small tent. He opened his mouth to speak but she beat him to it, oddly voicing the very words he was thinking.

  “We should wait until nightfall to travel.”

  “Aye, we should.”

  Half propped up, he relaxed against the pack, mostly to get a better look at her. The cozy tent didn’t give them much room, which was both nice and unfortunate, since he wished to be as gentlemanly as possible. Back in proper society he wouldn’t even be allowed to be in a room unchaperoned with a lady, let alone in a situation like this. Such things seemed silly after all he had seen and been through, vestiges of normalcy that were forever altered and long gone. Yet they were important to him, vital even.

  “How is it you seem to know so much about sneakin’ around?” he asked, voice low.

  Pink stained her cheeks and her spine straightened. “I am not a spy, if that is what you are getting
at.”

  Palms out in surrender, he shook his head. “No, no, I wasn’t suggestin’ that. I only meant that you are unlike any other nurse I have ever met, or doctor for that matter.”

  Her blush deepened to crimson but a smile tugged at her lips. Ice-blue eyes that were ironically warm regarded him with guarded admiration.

  “You would liken me to a doctor?”

  “O’ course. You sewed me up, saved my arm and my life. You are a better doctor than most I’ve known.”

  Moisture shown in her eyes before she turned her attention to Cliste. “I became a nurse in this war not only to help save lives, but to try and keep my brothers alive,” she said in a soft voice.

  “Your brothers are soldiers.”

  Dry eyes returned to him. The strength and pride in that look gave him chills that felt oh so good. “Aye, they wanted to fight to preserve the Union, said what the Rebels were trying to do was too much like what is going on in our homeland.”

  “’Tis true,” he agreed.

  Head cocking to the side, she looked so deep into his eyes that he had to fight the urge to squirm. “Is that why you left Ireland?” she asked.

  It took a moment to find the right words to answer her. “No. I am—was—a violinist. When the high society of Ireland had no more room for me, I came to find my way in America.” His conscience burned at telling her only a half-truth, but he didn’t know this woman well enough to tell her any more. Besides, he had never told anyone any more than that.

  Her hands found his, turned them over, fingers caressing his palms. The sensation made his eyes flutter closed and he had to repress a sigh of pleasure. It had been a very long time since a woman had touched him, and never one so enthralling or bold.

  “That is what you meant,” she murmured.

  “What I meant?”

  The smile that graced her lips made blood work its way to his groin.

  “When I asked you if you wanted me to save your arm and you mentioned your fiddle. I was not sure if you meant that literally.”