Lazy Blood: a powerful page-turning thriller

by Ross Greenwood

  ‘Barbie eh? Nice touch.’ The first box was twenty four cans of Stella Artois. ‘Very nice, and obviously vital.’ The long boxes each contained a deckchair. ‘Hang on a minute,’ Will said and went to the car for his last possessions. He came back in and took out his old portable television that he used to have in his bedroom and rested it on the crate of beers in the corner. Darren smiling, set up the chairs in front of the set and sat in one. Will couldn’t seem to find an aerial cable, so he shrugged and broke two cans from the ‘table’, gave one to Darren and sat next to him facing the small blank screen. They opened the cans in unison with a satisfying tssk and beaming at each other, clunked drinks together and took a sip.

  ‘Hmmm, really warm, just how I imagined it, thank you,’ Will chuckled.

  ‘Piss off you ungrateful git.’ Darren mocked looking hurt, but then Will noticed a scowl come over his friend’s face and wondered what he was thinking.

  ‘You are back early,’ he said, giving Darren the opportunity to talk if he so wished. He did.

  ‘I’ve been suspended Will. A few of us have. Dean’s already gone. Medical discharge. There was a rumour there had been some unlawful killings.’ Darren turned sideways and gave Will a piercing stare. ‘Its war, killing is winning.’ He let out a long breath.

  ‘There is a price to pay Will. We did some bad things.’ He shook his head as though that would make him forget. ‘So I’m back for a good while and I hear through the grapevine that you have a spare room.’ He stood up, gave Will a resounding smack on the back and a big smirk. ‘I’ll get my bag.’

  Will took another warm sip and grimaced. He also let out a long breath and slumped further in his chair, blinking heavily. ‘Excellent,’ he muttered.

  * * *

  They had one more journey to make in the van so they all got in. Darren insisted on driving despite Will saying he wasn’t insured for it. Darren said that his own insurance covered him for all vehicles and buckled himself in as though the dispute was over. Sighing heavily, Will clambered in next to Aiden. Darren drove confidently, swinging the van through the traffic at a speed which caused Aiden and Will to frantically work out how the seatbelts worked.

  ‘See,’ Darren chortled, lighting a cigarette whilst holding the steering wheel with his thighs. ‘Who needs insurance? It’s a waste of money. I don’t even have it for my own car.’ Will felt Aiden brace next to him.

  ‘What time is Carl arriving?’ Aiden asked, no doubt hoping to distract himself from the unpleasant experience he was having.

  ‘Eight,’ Darren replied. ‘He is bringing his new woman with him.’

  ‘Interesting,’ Will commented with a smirk. Two things had increased dramatically in Carl’s life. The speed he went through a gram of coke and the amount of girlfriends he bought back on his trips home. Will loved seeing these girls, even if he was very concerned that his friend seemed to be hurtling down the slippery slope of addiction like a fat kid down a steep hill on a well-oiled toboggan.

  His dates however were invariably hilarious. The girls all seemed to be really messed up and customarily coke heads too. Carl didn’t seem to care; it was as if he had missed out on interaction with the opposite sex all these years and now he was playing catch-up. Quantity, not quality was his new mantra. None of them so far had been even remotely attractive Will chuckled to himself.

  ‘What you laughing at Will?’ Aiden queried.

  ‘I was just amusing myself thinking about the crazy critters Carl’s been dating.’

  ‘I know it’s brilliant,’ Aiden laughed out loud. ‘God only knows where he finds them. He must live next door to a lunatic asylum for beasts from the forest and pick them up on release day.’ Darren began laughing too.

  ‘Do you remember that last one, the porky one? The one who disappeared halfway through the night. I thought I was going to shit myself I was laughing so hard.’

  ‘Paula!’ Aiden shouted.

  Will remembered her in an instant. She had a really turned up nose, small eyes and looked almost exactly like a pig.

  ‘It was Pauline, remember. Darren kept calling her ‘Porcine’ all night and she was so mashed she didn’t even notice.’

  They arrived at the flat Aiden and he had rented and got the last of their things into the van. Will could hear ‘I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker’ by Sandi Thom coming out of the van and thought about the memories that he was leaving behind here as he closed the door. Lately there had just been a messy collection of drunken experiences he would probably never give another thought to. He slid the keys through the letter box and whistling the song’s tune, got back in the van and went to his new home.

  28

  That night, after Aiden said all the lifting and carrying had made him thirsty, they arrived at the pub early. It was actually more of a bar than a pub and the prices were appropriately priced. Darren was on good form.

  ‘Who had the bright idea to meet in here?’

  ‘Carl,’ Will and Aiden replied in unison.

  Will and Aiden sat down quickly on seats at the front looking out on the town square through big glass windows. They both said ‘Lager’ to Darren in unison too, and rolling his eyes he went off to get served.

  ‘I’ve just been mugged,’ Darren declared when he returned from the bar after paying for his round. ‘In broad fucking daylight and he didn’t even wear a mask. No change from ten fucking quid for three bottles of Japanese beer. I told him surely it should be cheaper if we are helping out poorer nations. I gave him a tenner and waited for my change, the greasy git told me ‘That’s it my friend’. I said ‘How can it be? What are they, three pound thirty three and a third of a penny each the cheeky twat. I was gonna jump over the bar, tell him to have one for himself and stick it up his arse.’ Darren paused to swig his overpriced beverage, nodding at its refreshing tang, before continuing.

  ‘Then he told me it was happy hour, three for a tenner.’

  Will and Aiden laughed at the punch line. It felt like Darren’s suspension had lifted a cloud from him. He started regaling them of amusing tales of life in the forces, no doubt steering clear of whatever madness had led to his current situation and seemed more relaxed than usual. Still a madman obviously, but a more chilled one.

  Carl turned up at eight o’clock on the dot, looking gaunt but wealthy and his new squeeze didn’t disappoint. As Carl introduced ‘Syndi, with an S’ to them all Will had to grit his teeth to stop himself bursting into laughter. He daren’t look at the other two, but he could feel Darren tapping his shoe against his leg next to him. She was the hairiest girl he had ever seen, not that she had a moustache or beard, just that her hair was a huge mass of black curls and her hairline seemed to be only an inch above her eyebrows. Her unruly styling across the shoulder made it look like she had long side burns too and no one could have missed the downy arms. He could also detect a hint of what no doubt was cocaine suspended in her nostril hair.

  ‘I’m just going to powder my nose,’ she said with a grin and kissed Carl on the cheek. She sauntered off through the now busy bar, swaying her hips with coke confidence and Carl gave them all death stares as they burst into gales of mirth.

  ‘What is it, you tools? I really like her,’ Carl stated.

  ‘You always say that. We are just pleased to see you. Would you like a drink Carlos?’ Darren put his hand round the back of Carl’s neck and playfully squeezed it.

  ‘Yes please mate, just get me a beer,’ Carl replied.

  ‘Anything for your Ewok?’ Darren deadpanned.

  Will almost wet himself at Darren’s brilliant and amazingly obvious observation.

  ‘Get her a Mojito you knob, I hope it bankrupts you.’ Carl glared, but he smiled after, enjoying the craic.

  Darren and Syndi returned at the same time, Darren with a ‘Don’t ask’ when Will queried the financial implications of the cocktail purchase. Carl sat down leaving a space for his date, but she was like an ill-sitting hen, fluttering round the table, chatting to the people next to h
er and generally being a bit of an annoying nightmare. Will had to smile though as she drank her drink with a straw through her small mouth, her big eyes wide open as she concentrated. To be honest, as Ewoks went, she was a pretty one.

  She knocked her drink over putting it back on the table and staggered off. Will assumed she was getting a cloth but she walked straight past the bar in the direction of the toilets again. Will leaned into the table with a smile; he did love a good piss-take.

  ‘She seems nice, very friendly. Outgoing too,’ Aiden began.

  ‘A real winner, all in all,’ Darren added.

  ‘Yes Carl, she sure is one to cuddle up to on a winter’s night,’ Will commented.

  As usual Carl took it in good grace.

  ‘Very amusing you comic geniuses. She is actually a nice girl. Admittedly I have never seen such a hairy beaver. It was massively weird having sex with her, like sticking your winkie in some still warm road kill.’

  Will tried unsuccessfully to push that image to the back of his mind.

  ‘Who is next Carl? Jabba the Hut?’ Darren asked.

  ‘Boba Fett?’ Will proffered. ‘I was always suspicious of him.’

  ‘Chewbacca! Carl you are a sick one,’ Aiden creased at that.

  ‘That is a nasty vision for his mum to open the door to, seeing her son crying into his pillow whilst a sweating Chewy reclines next to him with a sedated expression on his face. Him grinning at your mum with a happy ‘Grrrrrrrrrrrr’.’ Darren spat the last bit out as he was chuckling so much.

  ‘Excuse me,’ Carl said. ‘I am the giver, not the receiver. I admit though, that you may be a bit disgusted with yourself if you had let the mighty Chewbacca have his wicked way with you. More than a bit sore too, especially if he didn’t ring afterwards.’

  ‘Anyway,’ he continued. ‘Don’t mess it up for me like you did with Pauline.’

  ‘It’s not our fault she was so off her face and got lost,’ Darren said, holding his hands up.

  Carl handed Darren a piece of paper from his jacket pocket, who read it out.

  ‘Dear Carl, you are a horrible excuse for a human being. How could you treat me so badly? As for your scum bag mates, calling me Porcine all night, did they think I wouldn’t know it meant pig-like? I have never been so humiliated and to cap it all off you left me stranded alone in a town where I didn’t know anyone. You are a complete asshole.’

  ‘Asshole or arsehole?’ Aiden asked.

  ‘Asshole, it says. That’s a little rude, but a fair reflection of that particular evening’s events I would say. What’s your point Carl?’

  ‘My point Einstein, is that I am looking forward to round two with Chief Chirpa, so be nice. That Pauline was a nightmare anyway. That piggy little schnozzle couldn’t half get through the powder, nearly ruined me. Talking of which, I’m off to the toilets, if anyone is interested.’

  Aiden shook his head.

  ‘Not for me either,’ Will concurred. ‘I have got tonnes to do tomorrow. I am sans everything. No sofa, fridge, cooker, washing machine, you name it, none of it. No food, nothing to eat it with and nothing to eat it off. No curtains, no lightbulbs, no idea.’

  ‘No future,’ Darren interjected.

  ‘Correct,’ Will agreed. ‘So waking up with a chongover would not be the best way of resolving any of these issues.’

  ‘I’m working tomorrow, overtime,’ Aiden said. He drained his drink and stood up. ‘So I will decline as I need to be tip top too. Same again anyone?’

  ‘Yes please buddy and maybe later Carl,’ Darren said and with that Carl wandered off.

  ‘Don’t you worry about being piss-tested in the army?’ Will asked.

  ‘Not really, most drugs only stay in the system for a couple of days. Dope stays in for longer but I’ve only ever been caught for a test once and then the guy doing the testing pissed in it for me.’

  Any more probing on the subject was prevented by the return of Syndi. She fluttered around for half an hour, doing their heads in, like an 18-30 holiday rep, but eventually calmed down and proved surprisingly good company. As per usual they ended up in the same place, same seats in fact, all night. Will commented that they must be getting old, but Aiden pointed out they had been doing that for fifteen years. At midnight and chucking out time they all got in a taxi to Will and Aiden’s. Aiden asked them in for a drink, but both Will and Darren declined. They hadn’t discussed sleeping arrangements but Darren followed Will into his house and Carl and Syndi went into Aiden’s.

  Darren got on one of the deckchairs and seemed to fall asleep in an instant, so Will put his coat over him and went upstairs. As he tossed and turned in his own bed waiting for sleep to take him, he could hear sobbing coming from downstairs.

  29

  1st September 2008

  ‘Can I borrow your car?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Come on Will, pretty please.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘I’m only going to be twenty minutes. Promise. I’ve just got to drop something off for a mate and I’ll be right back.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘I’ll get a pizza on the way back.’

  ‘Get a taxi.’

  ‘It’ll be twenty minutes before the taxi turns up mate.’ Darren picked the keys up off the hook and jingled them in the air. ‘I’ll owe you.’

  ‘Half an hour you’ve got. That’s it.’ Will looked at him with a resigned air. ‘I’ve got to get those back tyres sorted this afternoon. If they get any balder they will be unscrewing themselves and be hammering on the door of the wig shop.’

  ‘Are you sure anywhere will be open on a bank holiday Monday?’

  Will gave him an exasperated look.

  ‘Thirty minutes tops then mate. You’re a good friend Will.’

  ‘Just piss off Darren and mind those tyres. You are not Lewis Hamilton, so drive accordingly.’

  Darren came over and kissed him on the top of his head. He grabbed a small rucksack which he had left next to the front door and bolted through it, slamming it behind him. Will gritted his teeth, he had really had enough.

  It was a pleasant day and all the windows were open so he heard Darren fire the car up and turn the radio on full blast. Rihanna’s ‘Take A Bow’ blared out for a few seconds, then silence, then Meat Loaf’s ‘Bat Out Of Hell’ came on so loud it might as well have been coming out of the television in front of him. With a screech of tyres Darren roared off and the music faded into the distance.

  Will put his face in his hands and let out a long sigh. A few more days and it would be over. Darren had been given an honourable discharge from the army for medical reasons last year but hadn’t really been back to ‘work’ since Will and Aiden had bought their new houses. The army’s equivalent of garden leave. Darren had in effect been living with him since then and whilst it had been a bit of a laugh to start with it had become a nightmare of swelling proportions since. Darren didn’t seem to be able to get it into his pebble head that Will had to work during the week and therefore was not up for beers and joints whenever Darren was bored on some idle Wednesday.

  A discussion at the start of the year had blown up into a full row which Will thought was going to end with him getting a good leathering. Instead Darren had put his foot through Will’s forty inch plasma television. Darren had replaced it the next day and thought that everything was then hunky-dory. That was just one example of his increasingly erratic actions. You couldn’t talk to him nowadays. His always short fuse was now almost non-existent and you found yourself treading on egg shells around him. He seemed to sleep for England as well, with Will finding he was creeping into his own house after work so as not to wake him.

  At night it felt like he had half of the town stampeding through his house and consequently it looked like it. It was like living with a drug dealer. To think he had been looking forward to his own space. To be fair to Darren he had helped him furnish it at the beginning and still paid a generous rent by direct debit into Will’s account each month, b
ut Will was more than happy to forego that now, before he lost his own mind.

  All Darren had said about his discharge was that it was for post-traumatic stress disorder. Will didn’t know what that meant exactly and Darren wouldn’t be drawn on what caused it, but there was definitely something missing in their friend now. He had no empathy whatsoever and sympathy was in short supply too. He seemed to think he could do what he liked, when he liked and no-one was going to stop him doing it. Will had asked Aiden if he fancied a turn Darren-sitting. He had simply said ‘No fucking way’. When Will tried to raise the subject again he had put his hands over his ears like a child and shouted ‘La la la la la la la la, I can’t hear you’.

  And who could blame him Will thought? To start with Darren had taken security jobs in Iraq and would be gone for months on end, but he came back more and more wired each time. He would go on mad benders when he returned and when the cocaine made him chatty he would tell them about it. It sounded like the Wild West, Arab style, but instead of Colt peacemakers every man and his dog had a Kalashnikov under their bed. The money was amazing though, up to a grand a day guarding oil executives. However Darren said he earned his money and then some. Will wasn’t sure what that meant either. Darren would joke that he had shot more people as a civilian than he had as a soldier. Will thought he had been joking anyway.

  With all that money coming in you would thought he would get his own place. Will had tiptoed around this fact, encouraged it and in the end ordered it. Darren on the other hand had done his best to avoid it. His standard response being ‘Mate, my heads up my arse and you are my rock’. It had been left to go on for so long as Will had a lot of compassion for Darren’s situation. The army trained him to be a cold hearted killer. Then after putting him in a steady succession of mind blowing situations that withered his very soul, sent him back home with a list of unneeded attributes. Darren had no support apart from his few close friends. Will, Aiden and Carl ostensibly. Everyone else had drifted away as Darren was just too much hard work and was often uncomfortable company. The guilt trips had eventually ceased to have an impact on Will too though and it had all come to a head a month back.