Falling: A Love Story

by lesley,allyn

  She obviously doesn’t intend for me to answer, because she keeps jutting a finger in the center of my chest. I swat at her hand, getting irritated that I’m over here exposed and she has yet to tell me that she wants more with me too.

  She holds up her forefinger.

  “What’s that?” I ask. Any games we’ve played in this condo since our first meeting are done. Over. Just like we are.

  She tilts her head to the side with a ‘duh’ look. “What number does it represent, Mr. Know It All?”

  Grudgingly, I give her an answer.

  “That’s right,” she says, coming back to me then tipping my chin up. “One. Uno. Once. Single.” She snuggles back into me as if it’s the only place in the world she should be. “The date didn’t even last twenty minutes, because I kept thinking about you.” All this is said in the crease of my neck, her warm breath on my skin relaxing me.

  My fingers worm themselves under her sweater. It feels like forever since I’ve felt her butter-soft skin. I savor the moment just in case something happens, as they always do with her and me.

  “You go back in a month,” I state the obvious, testing her.

  “So? We can talk like we’ve been doing.”

  All this she says as if that settles the matter.

  “Laura doesn’t want us together. She’ll give us the most resistance.”

  “I’m a grown woman. Mom, I love her, but she doesn’t dictate my life,” she tells me through a yawn. “And, I think she’ll come around.”

  My hands grip her tender flesh harder. My ears are pleased by her words, and so is my heart.

  “I-I have a kid, Chels.” I drop the gauntlet, preparing for the worst. “Teddy is a sick kid.” Maybe for the rest of his life. There’ll be times I won’t have time for chitchats, the energy for surprise visits, or other relationship-type things.

  “And I’ll be here.” She points to the center of my chest. “For you and your son, Dyllan.”

  I tell her the last piece of news my heart has felt for some time, but my stubborn mouth didn’t know how to voice. “I love you.” It’s not said low, but neither is it loud either.

  No response. Nothing. My heart crashes. It shrinks by her silent dismissal.

  The sounds of her sniffing and hiccupping registers through the pain that’s mangling my heart.

  “Yo-you do?”

  I take a leap of faith and tell her everything. “I do. I don’t know when I started; all I know is I can’t stop.” I blow out a ragged breath. “I don’t want to stop it either. You’re who I never thought I wanted.” I clear my throat. “I used to judge women, brunettes harshly. Physically, they all reminded me of Jess. Then I used sex with women I had no intention of having a relationship with to cover my fear of being left. But, you...” I don’t even know what Chels did to force me to see her in another light. I plant a kiss on her upturned nose, grateful for her presence in my life. “You got under my skin the instant I saw you.” I push my fingers through her midnight-colored hair. “Nothing can keep me away.”

  And I’m man enough to admit that nothing will ever keep me away from her.

  She responds with a languid kiss before pulling back. “I love you too. I never wanted to say it first. I almost said it so many times, but I was...”

  Our gazes lock.

  “You were what?” I urge.

  “I was afraid you only wanted...” Her sight wanders off my face and to the side, where maybe she thinks it’s safe.

  But, I can’t lose her now. I nudge her face forward once more. “Only wanted what?”

  “Sex,” she quietly announces. “I just knew our first night would be our last, even though I didn’t want that. You gave off the ‘I sleep around a lot’ vibe, but I couldn’t not be with you... at least for a night. I told myself not to become attached to you.”

  “Stand up.” I should address her transparency, but not here.

  “Wh-what?” she asks, even as she backs off me.

  Hand-in-hand, I walk us to my bedroom then sit her on the bed. “Chels, it seems I need to bring you up to speed.” I unzip her leather boots, and then remove them from her feet. She allows me to take off her thin socks, revealing neatly trimmed nails painted festive reds and greens. Next, I help her shimmy out of her jeans and then her sweater. When she’s in only her bra and underwear, I stop.

  Bending before her parted legs, I reveal, “I want to wash your feet.” One of my hands caresses from her toes, lingering on the arch of her foot. “I want to find out if you’re ticklish, and all those spots.” My hand tracked a path past her calf to her knee. “I want to lie in your lap as we watch a sappy movie you like,” I share, running a few fingers over her thighs. “I want to watch your stomach expand with our kids eventually, when the time is right.” My hands caress her soft stomach.

  “O-oh, Dyllan.” She runs her hand over my now shaved head.

  My eyes move upward, landing on her rising chest, and zooms in on her face. “I want to wake up each morning to your gorgeous eyes, and go to bed dreaming of them. I want to fight, make up, love, laugh, cry, mourn. I want the exciting and the boring with you, Chels. I want it all with you.” I feel her hand come to my face, capturing it. “I want to ask Mikey for your hand in marriage, surprise you with a ring that blows your mind, and then watch you, Ma, Emma, Jill, and Laura plan our wedding.”

  Her lips open, but I can’t let her speak. Not yet.

  “I wasn’t ready before. I wouldn’t have known what to do with you or how to love before. But, now? Now, I’m so damn ready, Chels.”

  I’ve always wanted her, but I had so many fucking unresolved issues. Still do. Issues about Jess. Issues about MeMaw. I wasn’t the man who could’ve offered to love her for a lifetime as she deserves.

  “I changed.”

  “When? When did it happen for you?” she asks.

  Now this I know the answer to. “I felt a difference when I decided to walk away from you at Emma and JC’s reception. Then, the selfish bastard I was began dying when I settled for being your friend, even though I wanted more. It was the first time I put a non-family member’s desires above mine. And, finally, the birth of my son.” He’s only a few hours old, but he helped put the final nail in the coffin of the old me. “Something clicked the second I found myself more worried about my son’s survival than caring whether he’s biologically mine.”

  She pulls me by my ears toward her, and we both just lay on the bed with me partially sprawled on top of her. “That makes my heart about to burst, Dyllan. I never thought I’d hear these things for you. I’d hoped, but never believed. Now, what?”

  “It’s you and me. All the way.”

  Life probably won’t be easy. God knows what will happen with Teddy, or what I’ll find in MeMaw’s diaries, but I’m ready.

  I switch our position, and Chels’s head quickly finds its home in the center of my chest. “I’m ready to live my life. I’m ready to fall, as long as you promise to catch me.”

  “I’ll always catch you,” she says, sharing her commitment to our new relationship.

  We fall asleep entwined in each other’s arms and legs.

  Epilogue

  June 2015

  “Stop.”

  “No.” He’s stubborn. It’s clear in his raised chin.

  But, I’m more determined. Plus, I have more years at this thing than he does. “Put your foot in.” The problem is I have a streaker on my hands. Naked is preferable over being clothed. That’s the option my newest roomie always chooses. If this was any other time, I’d let it go and laugh as he runs up and down the hallway with his balls blowing in the wind.

  But not tonight.

  Reasoning with him doesn’t work, so I go to tactic number two. The stare down with the pitched bitch brow I’ve borrowed from Ma. When the leg of the pants is kicked away for the tenth time, I yell out the only name that gets him to listen. “Chelsea!”

  Tennyson Dyllan Sterling Jr., or Teddy as everyone calls him, shoots nervous gla
nces around the room. I almost laugh out loud when he starts sniffing. But then he lifts his eyes to mine, looking all pitiful, but not the least bit sorrowful. How do I know? Well, his damn foot is still not inside the cotton pant leg of his pajamas as they should be.

  He’s sitting on the edge of my bed, small feet dangling, and now I’m doing all I can to hide my grin, because even though this little dude is one of the reasons I breathe now, he’s pissing me off. I drop to my knees so we’re eye level. I’ve got to get him to understand me. Man to man. His eyes are the deepest shade of brown I’ve seen, reminding me of deep milk chocolate. Before I can deliver my ‘listen to me, or else’ speech, little man swipes his hand on my jaw and gives me the puppy dog look.

  A tear leaks from one eye. His gaze drops to the floor as if he’s trying not to let me see it. At almost two and a half years old, between Chels, him, and Juli, I’m officially without my man card. That shit is lost, gone in the motherfucking wind.

  I tip his head back. “Buddy, we have to get ready for bed.”

  I need him to sleep. Chels, God bless her sexy ass, gave me ‘the look’ after we finished dinner as she headed toward the shower. The look meant I’d get some of her good loving. Maybe I can give him some Nyquil. Knock his little ass out. With a nod to myself, I try to coax his leg inside again. Of course, Teddy chooses that moment to scream.

  There’s pitter patter of feet running toward us. Teddy, my son through and through with his manipulative self, smirks, I swear he does, and jams his thumb in his mouth. He’s giving me the proverbial middle finger, basically calling me the chump my entire family now has me relegated to.

  “Tenny,” Chels screeches, rushing into the room as if there could be another person in the apartment besides the three of us. She’s the only person he allows to use that nickname. The rest of us gets combative pouts and full-on wails if we call him anything but Teddy, but Chels gets all his baby teeth because he’s smiling so hard when he hears ‘Tenny’ from her mouth. She pushes me out of the way. “What’s the matter, baby?” She pulls him to her chest, rubbing his head.

  “Chels,” I groan out, which is more of a whine. Nothing’s the matter with him. He’s simply stubborn, obviously more stubborn than his old man. “Stop coddling him.” She pushes his head from her, inspecting him. “He won’t fucking put on his pajamas,” I grumble.

  I have every intention of getting laid tonight. And that won’t happen if my monster refuses to get dressed, which will only lengthen the time when he closes his peepers.

  Chels looks to my hands, where the forgotten bedtime clothing lies. She snorts. “First, stop cursing around our son.”

  Whatever she says after that, I don’t hear, because I’m beaming, happy to always hear that name from her lips. Our son. My hearing only picks up when it sounds like she’s berating me, as if I’m the problem, which can’t be right.

  “You don’t pay attention.” She shakes her head as if I’m the kid.

  And so does Teddy. Well, he gives me the ‘you’re stupid’ look.

  “He’s not a Disney man anymore.” She puts him on the bed then walks over to his chest of draws.

  Teddy slides up to his pillow, leaning back like the king he knows he is. I perch myself on his bed, looking at the love of my life, who’s searching through his draws. Then I look back at my mini-me, my shadow, and crack a smile at him. My heart swells with love, thinking how well he’s recovered from his harrowing entrance into this world and the many complications he’s suffered since. But with each new surgery his small body has undergone, he’s come out of them all stronger than ever.

  “Damn it. I know I washed some,” Chels mutters, opening another drawer.

  “Dem eht,” our parrot repeats.

  I almost bowl over in laughter, but I can already tell Chels’s over there like Mother Hen, and wouldn’t take kindly to me encouraging our son to curse. All I do is slide in the bed beside him. Teddy’s head hits my chest, and I plant a kiss on his forehead.

  “Tennyson Dyllan Sterling.” She stops searching and spins to face us, her men. She points a finger at him. “You do not curse, young man.”

  I hold my head straight so I don’t laugh. The family portrait of the three of us hanging on the opposite wall warms my heart. I hear my boy mumble, and knowing my son, he’s using the few words he knows to let her know she’s just cursed too. He pushes his head in the crook of my arm, nestling there. I sniff in his toddler smell of baby lotion, shampoo, and his natural Teddy scent.

  “Where is it?” She’s back at the draw, serious about her mission. “It’s like clothes around here have legs,” she mumbles, slamming another draw shut.

  “Buddy, I think we finally drove her crazy,” I whisper.

  “I can hear you, Dyllan,” she says, not looking at us.

  “I wanted you to.” I chuck my chin up in Teddy’s direction. His thumb drops from his lips and then all I’m seeing is white, short baby teeth through his grin.

  She huffs. “Keep that up and you’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.”

  “Fuc—”

  Chels whips around so fast and spears me to the quick with her look. I swallow the last letter of the curse word. Wisely, I move closer to our son. No way would she hurt me while he’s in my arms. She sniffs, maybe satisfied she’s put me in my place, but I’m the man of this home.

  “I’m only shutting up, because I choose to, Chelsea,” I tell her back. Not because you told me to. That part I keep to myself... at least until later.

  She doesn’t bother to respond to my blustering, and I grin at her back. If I didn’t love her so damn much—

  “Here it is, Tenny,” she announces triumphantly, twirling something in her hand. She separates the fabrics. It’s the annoying, tiny, yellow non-talking characters from the movie they both forced me to take them to last week.

  “Mee’ons.” He jumps from my arms, stepping on my chest. “Mee’ons,” he yells, pointing at one who’s wearing underwater goggles and a maid’s outfit.

  “Ooff,” I groan out, rubbing the spot. He may be small, but hell if that didn’t hurt.

  Chels shimmies with him as they do some weirdo, inside dance only they know, and helps him into his sleepwear. I watch as the traitor, who is our son, lifts his arms without another complaint. They both turn to me, smiling ear-to-ear.

  Teddy points to the front of his shirt. “Mee’on.”

  I’m no dummy. I read between the lines: get these PJs next time, and there won’t be any problems. I think he calls me an asshole too. I mean, he is my kid. I stand and pick him up. “Time for bed, buddy.” His eyes droop. “Gimme a kiss.”

  He smacks his lips together, but pulls back as I lean in. He uses his fingers to call Chels over to us. She’s been kinda living with us since Teddy came home at the end of her junior year. But, we only made her move official when she graduated SUNY Albany a month ago. Teddy started our nightly ritual when he was a year old. Chels slinks over, but I know she enjoys this part. One of DJ’s hands is on my shoulder, the other hand resting on hers, and our lips meet for a three-way kiss. As usual, it ends in fits of giggles for him, and us laughing at his silliness.

  Laying him on his bed, I plant another kiss on his soft cheek. “See you in the morning.”

  I back away from the bed, and Chels takes my place. “Love you, baby. Let me get one more sugar.”

  Teddy cackles but gives his favorite person just what she asks for. His head flops backward, and his yawn screams his goodnight. Hand-in-hand, we leave the bedroom, turning off the light on our way out.

  I absently pull a few weeds from the ground then place the flowers I’ve brought with me down. No matter what’s going on, I make it here once a week. I’ve been making these visits for more than a year now, since Ms. Clarke showed me where MeMaw was laid to rest.

  “It’s getting cold out, MeMaw. So I gotta go.”

  I imagine her smiling broadly at me.

  “I brought the ring so you can see it.” I look over my s
houlder, even though I know on this visit Chels decided to stay inside the car, since Teddy was being fussy. I pull out the ring I’ve had for longer than I care to admit. “You think she’ll like it?”

  A light breeze blows through, rustling the leaves. I feel her. I know it’s MeMaw. She’s here.

  “I’m finally finished with all your diaries.” I brush away some dirt and cobwebs from her headstone. “I’m achieving everything you hoped I would, MeMaw.” I pause, overcome by the truth behind my revelation. None of those accomplishments would’ve been possible if she’d not had the heart to feed a hungry boy in an elevator. “I know you wrote how you worried about me, but honest to goodness, my life’s turned out much better than you could’ve ever imagined.” I trace the grooved-out letters that make up her name. “You’re one hell of a woman.” The tears I always fight flow down my face. “Even...” I stop for a second, because I’ve never admitted this whopper to anyone. “Even Jess. She’s a good woman.”

  Yeah, she’s a drug addict. Yeah, she chose escapism over raising her son. But, she did the best thing by leaving me in MeMaw’s care. It’s through MeMaw’s diary entries that I was able to really learn about Jess and begin my journey toward forgiveness and understanding. I’d even learned that MeMaw was a woman with flaws too.

  “I’m glad I finally had the guts to open Jess’s letter, MeMaw.” It’d been tucked away in the back of a journal with my name on it. I was shaken up when my sight first landed on it, and decided I wasn’t ready to see the contents. Just a week ago, Chelsea and I sat side-by-side as I got the courage to look at what was inside, but when I did, boy, I wasn’t ready. “You were right.” I look back at the headstone I’d had installed recently. “You wondered if I’d ever forgive her, and I want to tell you I have.”

  I have. Truly. It took me a while, but with the therapy sessions I’ve been going to, I’ve come to a healthy place. Sometimes I allow myself to wonder if Jess is still out there somewhere. But knowing the immense pain she felt as I grew up looking like the man she’d loved and lost, maybe it’s easier for her to not see me. Who fucking knows? I’m still working through all of it.