Critical Failures VII

by Robert Bevan

  Stacy didn't like this chummy tone Dolazar was taking with her one little bit. She had half a mind to let Cooper and Nabi loose on them, but wasn't entirely ready to discount their potential usefulness in the future.

  “Cooper got bitten as a direct result of you tossing us down in those pits. If I'm forced to hurt my friend because you filthy rodent people gave him rat rabies, you will see me again.” She pointed at Nabi. “And I'll be wielding that crazy-ass bloodthirsty axe.”

  “Okay,” Cooper muttered to himself, then looked up from his axe. “Nabi says she gives Stacy her consent to wield her.”

  Stacy turned around and led Cooper out of the alley. “So what's your deal with Dave? Why are you always so down on him?”

  Cooper scratched his ass while he thought about his answer. “Did you ever know anyone who was just kind of there? They weren't particularly fun to be around. They didn't add much to a conversation. They didn't even have the latest game console to justify you pretending to like them so you could play the latest version of Mario Kart. But on the other hand, they weren't overtly offensive. There wasn't anything you could pinpoint about why you didn't want to hang out with them, and you needed someone who was willing to play a cleric?”

  “That's really specific, so... no.”

  “Tim and I were marked as outcasts pretty much from elementary school, but we had a lot in common. When cliques started to form, we had each other and that was good enough. Fuck everyone else and their bullshit. But Dave didn't even have that. He was like a turd adrift at sea, hoping to attach himself to an island. You should have seen the phases he went through in middle school. Can you imagine Dave as goth?”

  Stacy tried hard, then shook her head. “No.”

  “Of course you can't, but he tried it for about two weeks. Then he started with the auto shop kids and actually turned in an essay justifying the South's position in the Civil War because there were documented black Confederate soldiers.”

  “He didn't!”

  Cooper shrugged. “It was middle school. Everyone was a little fucked up back then. And he was Dave. That didn't last long anyway. He cut his mullet off and went after the rich pricks destined for private high schools and Ivy League colleges. That's when he started making fun of me and Tim, calling us Archie and Jughead.”

  “How is that an insult?”

  “Who the fuck knows? Kids started calling us that in elementary school and it stuck. Dave tried to stir it up again in seventh grade, and even the pricks he was trying to impress thought it was sad.”

  Stacy smiled at Cooper. “So that's what it's all about? You're still holding a grudge because Dave called you names in middle school?”

  Cooper snorted. “Fuck no. You're missing the point. It's not about a grudge. It's about a general lack of respect. Dave doesn't have enough personality to warrant holding a grudge over. That's why he never fit in with anyone. He'd try way too hard for a week or two, then move on to something else when the group he was trying to impress didn't buy his bullshit.”

  “So how did he end up with you guys?”

  Cooper shrugged. “He'd run out of cliques, and we needed someone who was willing to play a cleric.”

  “That might be the saddest friendship story I've ever heard.”

  Chapter 23

  “Land ahoy!” cried Fritz excitedly from the crow's nest.

  Katherine re-sheathed her new sword that she'd been admiring, jumped to her feet, and ran to the bow. Tanner and Tony the Elf were already there, peering ahead at an island on the horizon.

  “That doesn't look like much of a tropical paradise,” observed Tony the Elf.

  He was right. As they sailed closer to the island, Katherine saw that most of its trees had fallen over. The ones that were still standing were dead, and looked like they might fall over too at any minute.

  Tanner squinted. “Is that really Nazere?”

  “I don't know,” she said. “Last time I visited Nazere, it was covered in ice and snow. At any rate, it's a place we can get out and stretch our legs for a bit.”

  That suggestion was more for her crew than for herself. She had grown fond of life at sea over the past couple of days. Using her newly discovered ability to turn into various kinds of animals, she had enjoyed spending a few hours every evening as a bat, getting some exercise and reliving her vampire days.

  Aside from that, she'd enjoyed her time on deck as well. She found she had a lot more in common with the Whore's Head gang when they all got a few swigs of Captain Logan's booze in them. Even Rhonda was surprisingly fun to talk to once she got over being so confrontational. They'd laughed and swapped stories about their lives on Earth, which Tanner found fascinating. If Katherine was honest, she was a little sad that this journey was coming to an end. It had easily been the best stretch of time she'd spent since coming to this world. In fact, she would be hard-pressed to remember ever having such a nice time back on Earth. She was actually beginning to think of these people as her friends. That wouldn't necessarily change once they made landfall, but she was reluctant to make any adjustments to the dynamic while things were going so well.

  But they had a mission to accomplish. Unsure of exactly how far the shallows extended from the island, Katherine ordered the ship to be anchored about a half mile from the shore.

  Nightwind only had one dinghy, which would hold a total of four people.

  “I'll turn into a bat and fly to shore.” She took a moment to consider who she wanted on her initial landing party, taking into account who was most loyal to her, who was most capable, and who she most needed to warm up to. “I want Butterbean, Rhonda, Tanner, Tony the Elf, and his dog to accompany me in the dinghy.” She took off her captain's hat and smooshed it down on Frank's head. “You're Acting Captain while we're gone.”

  “Aye aye, Captain,” said Frank.

  “We'll have a look around. If we confirm that this is Nazere, we'll send the dinghy back to pick up Mordred and the rest of you. If not, we'll take a bit of shore leave and try to get our bearings.”

  Everyone nodded their agreement as they crowded against the starboard bulwark, seemingly more interested in watching Katherine's launch than they were about shore leave.

  Once the dinghy was lowered into the water, Katherine jumped off the side of the ship and changed form mid-air. It was a move she was still working on, and it still needed some tweaking. Just as she had the last three or four times she'd tried it, she splashed down into the ocean before she could get her flaps timed right. The sea was as warm as bathwater. If this was Nazere, not a trace of the Ice Queen's magic remained.

  She could hear the crew laughing above her, but it was good-natured, and those laughs turned to cheers after she slapped the surface of the water a couple of times and finally caught some air.

  She soared over the dinghy, which Tony the Elf was rowing as hard as he could, then onward to the island where she caught a whiff of something unpleasant. The smell grew stronger as she passed over the strange black perimeter separating the blue-green water from the white sand.

  After landing clumsily on the sand and turning back into her half-elven form, the stench brought her to the brink of throwing up. She would have certainly remembered a smell like this. They had to be on the wrong island.

  “I think... we're in the... right place,” said Tanner after he and the others hauled the dinghy past the black perimeter and got far enough inland to breathe.

  Katherine sat on the trunk of a fallen tree, concentrating on keeping her insides inside her and wondering what the hell Tanner thought he knew about this place that she didn't.

  “I thought you said you've never been here.”

  He smiled at her. “Of course I haven't. But aside from some extremely localized sea plague, it's the only explanation I can think of for all those dead fish.”

  “Decades' worth of fish,” said Tony the Elf. “All preserved in ice for so many years, then thawed out and washed ashore at the same time.”

  “Correct,�
�� said Tanner. “It would also explain the trees. All of them dead, but without any sign of decay.”

  Katherine was annoyed. As a druid, that observation should have been hers. But she wasn't completely without knowledge to contribute.

  “The freeze would have killed off all the bugs and worms and shit responsible for decomposition. Even if some of their eggs managed to survive, it'll take years before this place has a balanced ecosystem again.”

  Tanner stared at her as if he wasn't sure whether or not she was making up words. She was satisfied with that.

  Rhonda knelt next to a small sapling poking out of the moist soil, surrounded by pale green seedlings. “It looks like some of the seeds managed to survive.”

  The young plants gave Katherine a warm tingle inside, similar to how she imagined people who liked babies felt when seeing one. But as comforting as it was to know that the damage this island had suffered was already starting to heal, it would be a long time before she could ask nature to provide for them.

  “We'll be long dead before they bear any fruit,” she said. “Captain Logan's food isn't going to last forever, and I'm guessing all of the Ice Queen's food stores are probably pretty nasty by now. That was an oversight on my part. I hadn't counted on complete and utter devastation.”

  “You can't take full blame for that,” said Tony the Elf. “We knew what this island was. Any of us could have predicted this if we'd given it enough thought. But we're here now, and this is where the others know to come look for us when they find one of the dice. Our focus now needs to be getting organized. We've got an abundance of wood in pristine condition to build shelters with. We'll set up fishing schedules on the ship, send out a party to scout for a source of fresh water. Before you know it, this place will be better than the Whore's Head.”

  “What a high bar to strive for,” said Rhonda.

  Katherine turned back to the beach. “We'll need to scoop up all those dead fish as well.”

  Tony the Elf grimaced. “What for?”

  “First of all, because they're gross and we have to live here. But more importantly, we can use them to fertilize the soil and help the island heal itself. If we're lucky, there might be some vegetables growing wild. We can keep an eye out for them when we're looking for the mines.”

  “Mines?” said Tanner.

  “Yes. Keeping Mordred contained in an abandoned mine shaft was one of the main reasons we decided to come here.”

  “Sorry. I was having a little trouble paying attention after I resurrected on an empty stomach. I'll take the dinghy back and pick up another load of –”

  Butterbean stood at attention and barked sharply, peering inland.

  At least a dozen figures of different races stood on a ledge about fifty yards away, silhouetted against the purple evening sky, staring back at them.

  “Friends of yours?” asked Tony the Elf.

  Katherine shook her head. “They must be some of the Ice Queen's slaves.”

  The figures started walking toward them, all armed with long sharpened sticks.

  “That's good, right?” said Rhonda with hopeful doubt in her voice. “I mean, you set them free. Shouldn't they be grateful?”

  “Set them free on a devastated island without any means of escape,” said Tanner.

  Katherine shot him an annoyed glare. “I didn't have any choice. You don't know what these people were like. They were essentially cultists. The Ice Queen had them all brainwashed.”

  “I wasn't passing judgment. I would have done the same thing. I was merely trying to take their point of view into account in order to predict how they might receive us.”

  “You're right,” said Katherine, turning her attention to the slowly advancing party. She pulled her Bag of Holding out from the back of her jeans and unrolled it. “Everybody take a weapon. We'll try to resolve this peacefully, but we need to show that we're capable of defending ourselves.” She held the bag out for Tony the Elf.

  Tony the Elf accepted it, but didn't reach inside. “Maybe we should go back to the ship.”

  “I was thinking the same thing,” said Rhonda. “It's not like they're going to swim after us.”

  Katherine didn't appreciate that half of her landing party already wanted to bail on her, but she supposed she owed it to them to hear them out. “And then what?”

  Rhonda shrugged. “I don't know. Maybe we'll sail around to the other side of the island and land there.”

  “No good,” said Tanner. “We don't know how many of them there are on this island. If we back away now, it will only give them time to warn others. Now that they know we're here, they'll be able to post sentries all along the perimeter of the island. If we can reach peaceful terms with them, so be it. They are obviously not starving. We can offer our talents and labor to help them during our stay, or safe passage to a destination of their choice once our work here is finished. But if confrontation is inevitable, I would prefer to face a small band directly.”

  “A small band?” said Tony the Elf. “They outnumber us three to one!”

  “They are armed with sticks, though even those appear more substantial than your spine.”

  Oh snap.

  Tony the Elf laughed. “Oh give me a fucking break. You think you're going to shame me into putting my neck on the chopping block? I'm just pointing out that there is a perfectly reasonable alternative to fighting. We have lives to get back to, and we don't need to risk them just to prove how big our dicks are.”

  Katherine and Rhonda exchanged a glance. Of the three of them Tony the Elf presumed to speak for, only he had a dick to prove the size of.

  “What lives?” said Tanner. “You live in a tavern!”

  “Enough!” said Katherine. “Rhonda, Tony the Elf, you may go back to the ship if you want. If the worst should happen, tell Frank to stay anchored near the island so that the others can find you when they retrieve one of the dice. I need to stay here and do what I can to assist the island in her rehabilitation.” She was also a little eager to try out her new pirate sword, but she kept that to herself.

  Tony the Elf sighed. “I was suggesting we all go together. I'm not going to ditch you here to fight a dozen guys with this jerk-off.” He reached into the Bag of Holding. “My machetes.” He passed the bag to Rhonda, then slid his weapons into their sheaths on his back.

  “Crossbow,” said Rhonda, then pulled a crossbow out of the bag. A ranged weapon was a sensible choice for a woman of her talents and girth, but Katherine hoped she was also packing some magic.

  Tanner accepted the bag from Rhonda. “Scimitar,” he said, then grinned with wide eyes as he pulled out the long curved blade. “I was hoping they would have one of these. I've always wanted to use one.”

  Katherine frowned. “You intentionally chose a weapon you've never fought with before?”

  “I am a fast learner.” He danced forward and back, slicing through the air like a child with a new toy.

  Tony the Elf rolled his eyes. “Will you put it down? We're still trying to resolve this peacefully if we can, right?”

  The islanders stopped about fifteen yards away from them and fanned out in a semi-circle, which left nowhere for Katherine and her party to go but back into the sea.

  “Who are you?” demanded a dwarf directly ahead of them. He and the others were dressed in the same filthy overalls as Gabrok the would-be rapist had been wearing last time she was here.

  “My name's Katherine. This is Tanner, Rhonda, and Tony the Elf.”

  Rhonda and Tony the Elf offered halfhearted waves.

  “And whom do we have the pleasure of addressing?” asked Tanner with a polite bow.

  “We are the Free Folk of Nazere.”

  That gave Katherine some hope. They were so happy about being freed that they'd decided to identify themselves as such. She gave Tony the Elf a sideways glance and a grin, then turned back to address the spokesperson.

  “Isn't that interesting? It just so happens that I'm the one who freed you.”
<
br />   The islanders glanced at each other doubtfully, then the dwarf narrowed his eyes at Katherine.

  “Our freedom comes from the Ice Queen.”

  “Like fuck it does.”

  “Katherine,” said Tony the Elf.

  Katherine ignored him. “That frosty old bitch was your oppressor. You were her slaves.”

  The dwarf gave her a steely-eyed glare. “True freedom comes from the enrichment of the Ice Queen.”

  “Are you even listening to yourself?” said Katherine. “What the fuck does that even mean?”

  Tony the Elf leaned in close. “You said yourself they were brainwashed. I think they have a Democratic People's Republic idea of freedom.”

  Katherine waved him back, confident that she could make these people understand that they were better off now.

  “You aren't free if your entire life is spent working for someone else, your every action controlled by them. That's the opposite of freedom. Now that she's gone, you can do whatever you want.”

  “Do you know where she has gone?” asked an olive-skinned human man hopefully. “We have suffered much in her absence, and pray for her swift return.”

  Katherine laughed. “You don't get it. She's gone gone. I turned her to stone and smashed her into dust. Why do you think all the ice and snow melted?” She smiled.

  The islanders did not return her smile.

  Uneasy with the tense silence, she tried to get the dialogue flowing again. “You're welcome?”

  “You killed our mother,” said another human, his hands clenched tight around his stick.

  “She wasn't your mother. She was using you. Come on, you don't even look like her.”

  The dwarf stalked toward Katherine and lowered the pointy end of his stick at her. “You slaughtered so many of our brothers!”

  Though she wasn't yet near his stabbing range, Katherine stepped back. “It was only one! Look, I'm sorry if Gabrok was your brother, but that was self defense. He was trying to kill me!”