Critical Failures VII

by Robert Bevan

  Captain Longfellow sighed. “Poor cursed fools drifted too far away from the coast and lost their way. Make preparations to salvage what coin and jewelry ye can from the bodies, then set fire to the ship.”

  “Forgive me, Captain,” said Alexei. “But you don't understand. They are not adrift. They are deliberately rowing toward us.”

  “Son of a sea whore, ye know better than to be pulling me rigging at this hour of the morning.”

  Alexei shook his head. “Please, Captain. See for yourself.”

  Captain Longfellow tied off the front of his robe, much to Randy's relief, then followed Alexei out onto the platform.

  “By Triton's titties!” he cried, apparently having spotted the approaching ship. “How be it possible?”

  “Shall we take evasive measures?” asked Alexei.

  Captain Longfellow laughed so hard that he began coughing.

  “Evasive measures?” he bellowed when he finally caught his breath. “May I end me days as a cloud of shark shit in a festering pool of whale piss before I turn tail and flee from a godsdamned rowboat!”

  “Very good, Captain. How then shall we proceed?”

  “Lower the sails. Let them come at us. They have me curiosity piqued.”

  “LOWER THE SAILS!” cried Alexei.

  Assuming that his audience with the captain had officially come to a close, Randy got up and followed them outside to make his own assessment of how much danger Captain Longfellow's hubris might be putting them all in.

  The rain had let up a bit, and Randy found Captain Longfellow and Alexei on the front of the platform, peering ahead and slightly to the left. Following their gaze, he saw what they were staring at maybe half a mile away. And although it was about the size of a school bus, Randy had to admit that he agreed with the captain that it probably wouldn't pose a serious threat to the Maiden's Voyage. No large weapons were visible, and the ship was so low on the water that it would be almost impossible to board this ship before the crew cut their ropes. Still, he had an eerie feeling about this.

  “Excuse me, Captain,” said Randy as Alexei hopped down each tier of the ship's cabins to assist the crew in lowering the sails. “Somethin' about this don't feel right.”

  “Aye. A ship like that has no business being this far out to sea.”

  “That's what I was concerned about. What if they's setting a trap or something? Lulling us into a false sense of security before they ambush us?”

  “Ambush us from where?” scoffed the captain. “Wipe the goat sperm out of yer eyes and look around? There be nothing but miles of empty sea in every direction. That sorry lot of chum is like to be starved and exhausted beyond measure. Poor souls have probably resorted to eating some of their own by now.”

  They didn't look exhausted to Randy. Now that they were getting closer, he could see the oars on either side of the approaching ship rowing in unison. Then he heard a chant echo over the waves that sent a shiver up his spine.

  “Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!”

  A door below and behind Randy swung open. Jay came out of their room and scanned the horizon frantically.

  “That's it! That's the song! Where is it coming from?”

  “Over there,” said Randy, pointing to the longship.

  Jay held on to the railing as he scooted along the platform to the front of the ship. “Who are they? What do they want?”

  Randy shrugged. “I reckon we're about to find out.”

  The chanting grew louder as the longship drew closer.

  “Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!”

  About half of the rowers were goblins. The rest were a mix of humans, half-elves, orcs, and a few other races Randy wasn't sure of. All of them were chanting in perfect unison as they rowed.

  The only person not chanting was a beardless dwarf standing at the front of the ship. What he lacked in beard, he more than made up for with an impressive mustache, which hung down in thick blond braids from each side of his mouth. He wore leather armor scored with hundreds of blade marks, and a horned helmet. It was kind of like the quintessential Viking helmet, except that instead of only two horns on the sides, it had six horns going all the way around like a crown.

  A terrifying thought suddenly occurred to Randy.

  Could this be the Mordred who called himself Jordan Knight?

  Chapter 38

  “DADDY!” shrieked three small children as they ran toward Chaz with open arms.

  “Jesus!” Disoriented and still riding high on adrenaline from his encounter with Mordred, Chaz raised his lute to swing at the attackers, but Julian grabbed it by the neck.

  Ravenus fell out the bottom of Julian's serape and landed on the floor with a squawk.

  The kids ran past them and jumped into Fazul's waiting arms.

  “Oh,” said Chaz. “Those belong to you. How adorable.” He pulled his lute free from Julian's grasp and was delighted to discover that it appeared to have suffered no damage from smashing into Mordred's head.

  “Are you okay, Ravenus?” asked Julian.

  Ravenus stood up and ruffled his feathers. “Yes, sir. I think so.”

  “A talking bird!” shrieked the eldest daughter, as she and her two younger brothers squirmed out of their father's bearlike embrace.

  Ravenus's eyes widened. “Oh shit.”

  The three kids knelt on the floor, surrounding Ravenus.

  “Say something else, bird,” said one of the boys. “What's your name?”

  “Ravenus.”

  All three kids burst into laughter.

  “That's a stupid name,” said the daughter. “I'm going to call you Princess Blackfeather.”

  “Very well. Then I shall call you –”

  “Ravenus!” snapped Julian, then gave his familiar a soothing smile. “Play nice with the children please.”

  Ravenus sighed. “Yes, master.”

  “You have a lovely home,” Julian said to Fazul. “And such adorable children.”

  “Thank you,” said Fazul. He gave his children a warning glare. “Run and fetch your mother.”

  The daughter folded her arms. “She's not really –”

  “NOW!” Fazul stood up and watched the kids run out of the room. “It is much quieter here than on the Crescent Shadow, I'm afraid. But Felania and I feel it is a good place to raise our children.”

  Chaz caught Julian's drift and politely looked around the room. It was nice and quaint, and a little messy with random articles of clothing and wooden toys lying around. Leaning over a breadcrumb-dusted green sofa, he peered out the open window. They were on a hilltop overlooking miles of lush green countryside. The air coming in from outside flooded Chaz's head with memories of childhood summers.

  “Where are we?”

  “Worcestershire,” said Fazul.

  Chaz laughed. “Like the sauce? I don't think that's how you actually pronounce it.”

  “I beg your pardon?”

  Julian cleared his throat and stared menacingly at Chaz. “I believe our host knows how to pronounce his own homeland.”

  “Oh, right,” said Chaz. “Of course. I just meant that, um...”

  “Good heavens!” said a brown-skinned, green-haired elven woman holding a long-eared baby with one arm as the three older kids dragged her by the other hand into the room. “You did not mention he brought home guests.”

  Much like the living room, she appeared in no state to be receiving company. Her eyes were heavy with exhaustion, her simple beige dress was wet with baby spit and bulged out in front like she might be plopping out numbers four and five any day now. Her wild green hair was pinned in a bun with two oversized chopsticks in a way that appeared to have been done for practicality rather than fashion.

  Fazul clapped Chaz and Julian on the back. “Gentlemen, meet my beautiful wife, Felania.”

  “Hmph,” said Felania. “Mayhap I'll be beautiful again once you stop putting these little monsters inside me.” She glared down at the three oldest kids. “I o
nly just cleaned this room. If it isn't clean again by the time supper's ready, I'll have your father put up an Antimagic Field when you clean the hen house.”

  The kids looked to Fazul to confirm the threat.

  Fazul shrugged. “You think I'll refuse her when she's in a mood like this?”

  That lit fire under their grubby little asses. They immediately started firing off spells, and tiny whirlwinds swept up toys and clothes and crumbs.

  Chaz hugged his lute and backed up against a wall. Kids were creepy enough without being able to wield magic.

  “And don't you just pile it all in your room!” said Felania. “I want those clothes folded and the toys put away properly.”

  “But we want to play with Princess Blackfeather,” whined the daughter.

  Felania waved her away dismissively. “Fine, fine. Take it to your room with you.”

  Ravenus whimpered at Julian with panic in his beady bird eyes.

  Julian nodded.

  One of the boys grabbed Ravenus and carried him into another room. The other two children followed with their whirlwinds of clothes and toys trailing behind them.

  Felania glared at her husband. “You might have told me you were coming home early and bringing company. I can set three more places at the table, but all I've cooked is porridge.”

  “Sit and rest, Dearest,” said Fazul. “I'll roast one of the hens.”

  “Oh will you, now?” Felania's expression turned quickly from incredulity to anger. “You've been gambling again, haven't you!”

  Fazul backed away from her with his hands up. “No, no! I swear it!”

  Felania pulled one of the chopsticks out of her hair and held it menacingly at her husband. It crackled with magical energy as the tip glowed red like iron pulled out of a fire.

  “You promised you wouldn't start that again. Don't think for a moment that I won't leave you with these little rodents and go back to Wyrmwood.”

  The baby started crying.

  “Go on, then!” said Fazul, seemingly not at all bothered by his wife threatening him with a wand or his wailing child. “Run back to your father! He'd love that, wouldn't he? He's never accepted that you married a human.”

  “Don't you start with the human thing again.” Felania handed off her screaming kid to Julian, who accepted it awkwardly and held it like a bag of snakes. “He never had a problem with you until you lost his father's dagger in a card game!”

  “I had six gold dragons!” cried Fazul. “He knows numbers better than I do. The odds of that gnome pulling a griffon were beyond immeasurable!”

  Chaz cleared his throat. “Maybe we should go.” He had no idea where in the world Worcestershire was, but he would have preferred to be any place but in this couple's living room right now.

  Fazul took a deep breath. “Please forgive us. My poor wife is exhausted.” He held out his arms to her.

  She lowered her wand and shuddered with sobs as she fell into his arms and pounded his chest with her tiny fists. “I can't live like this anymore.”

  “There, there,” he said, stroking her hair where it had fallen loose. “You will feel better once you've rested and supped.”

  Felania pushed herself away from him. “I will feel better when you stop leaving me alone with your devil spawn to go spend what little money we have on whores and games of chance!”

  “How many times must I tell you, woman? I was not gambling!” Fazul rubbed his temples like he was the only one getting a headache from the screaming baby. He flicked his wrist at it. “Zwoombi.”

  The baby suddenly went silent in Julian's hands, though it was clearly still trying to scream. Confused as to why it could no longer make any noise, its scream turned into a yawn. Julian set it down on the sofa.

  “I was making business connections,” Fazul continued more calmly now that the baby was silenced. “I would like you to meet my new partners, Julian and RazzmaChazz.”

  “Hi,” said Chaz, feeling a little douchey being called RazzmaChaz outside of the Crescent Shadow and wondering when they'd formed a partnership with this guy.

  “Partners?” Felania sneered at Chaz and Julian. “They look like clowns.”

  Julian sighed. “Thank you.”

  Fazul wrapped his arm around Chaz's shoulder and pulled him in close. “Wait until you hear this one sing! But first, we must eat. Gentlemen, would you care to escort me to the hen house?”

  “We would love to,” said Julian.

  When they followed Fazul outside, Chaz got a new appreciation for just how isolated they were. Aside from the house and the small barn-like shack they were walking toward, there wasn't another man-made structure as far as he could see.

  A gentle breeze threatened to knock Chaz over. Not by force, but instead with the dizzyingly powerful aroma of Fazul's herb garden.

  “Excuse me,” said Julian after the door closed behind them. “Mr. Fazul?”

  Fazul sighed. “Yes, yes. My three eldest children are from a previous marriage. She was human. Does that sate your curiosity?”

  “I was actually going to ask about the business arrangement you just mentioned. This partnership?”

  Fazul turned around. “Well, I had to tell her something, didn't I? She thinks I'm a failure, and one of these days I fear she really will leave me with all the children and return to her rich elven family.”

  “She's going to find out that we aren't business partners sooner or later. What are you going to tell her then?”

  “I'll tell her you died, or ripped me off or something. I don't know. One of these days I'm going to score big. Then it won't matter.”

  “Score big? Does that mean you're still gamb–”

  “SHHH!” said Fazul. He grabbed Chaz and Julian by the elbows and dragged them toward the shed from which the sound of clucking grew louder. “I have a system worked out so that I never lose more than we can afford.”

  “You have a family to provide for,” said Julian.

  “I provide very well for them.” Fazul's tone was suddenly a lot less friendly. “Maybe you should stick to managing your client's affairs.”

  Julian nodded. “I'm sorry. You're right. I was out of line.”

  Chaz suddenly had an idea that could solve everyone's problems. “I know how to fix this!”

  “Fix what, exactly?” said Julian.

  “Fazul's marital problems, for one.”

  “Oh?” said Fazul, a hint of annoyance still present in his tone. “And how is that, exactly?”

  “It's simple. We become business partners for real!”

  The clucking of hens filled the following moment of silence between the three of them.

  “I do not understand,” Fazul finally said.

  “What's not to understand? You get a portion of our take for every show, and you don't have to lie to your wife anymore.”

  “I understand that much. What I don't understand is what is in it for you. Surely you do not make this offer purely out of the kindness of your heart.”

  “Of course not,” said Chaz. “There are a couple of things we need from you.”

  “Such as?”

  “One of the trinkets you had in your pouch.” Chaz ignored Julian's panicked stare and continued. “A shiny black twenty-sided die.”

  “Yes, I know the trinket of which you speak. I won it in a game of Golden Dragons. What do you want with that?”

  “Never mind what I want with it. Will you part with it?”

  Fazul shrugged. “It means nothing to me.” He reached down for his pouch, but Chaz stopped him.

  “It's not in there. Julian is hiding it in his underwear.”

  “Oh?” Fazul stared accusingly at Julian's crotch.

  “His bird swiped it while you weren't looking,” Chaz explained. “He can be a bit of a klepto, and we were looking for a discrete way to tell you.”

  Fazul turned warily to Chaz. “What else do you want from me?”

  “Just one more little thing. We need you to teleport us somewhere.�
��

  “And where is that?”

  “Nazere.”

  Fazul laughed. “You must be mad!”

  “Oh come on. This is a good deal. All I'm asking for is one worthless bauble and a spell that you've already used on us for free.”

  “Good deal my foot!” said Fazul. “What good is this partnership if my partners are slaves to the Ice Queen?”

  “Oh right. I guess I should have started with that. The Ice Queen's dead. Our friends killed her.”

  “You're a better singer of songs than teller of tales, bard.”

  “I'm not fucking with you, man. Why would I ask you to take us there if I wasn't telling the truth?”

  Fazul thought about it, then nodded. “I cannot argue that logic. And that's all you want?”

  Chaz grinned. “That's it.”

  Fazul turned to Julian with an open palm. “Return what is mine, and we may resume the negotiation.”

  “Sure,” said Julian. He reached down the front of his pants and produced the die.

  Rather than accept it in his hand, Fazul opened his pouch.

  Julian dropped the die in. “So... How does five percent sound?”

  “I want twenty,” said Fazul.

  “Deal.”

  “What?” cried Chaz. “You call yourself a manager? What kind of deal was that? You didn't even try to negotiate!”

  “Maybe I would have had a little more leverage if you hadn't just thrown me and Ravenus under the bus.”

  “He was going to find out sooner or later. How would it look if he found out we had his die before we gave it back to him? You could have just given it back right away, explained what happened, and apologized. But instead you had to tuck it down next to your junk.” While Chaz was enjoying continuing to throw Julian under the bus, he hoped that Julian understood that he was also trying to reinforce their claim that they hadn't actually meant to steal the dice.

  Julian sighed. “You're right.” He turned to Fazul. “I should have come clean right away.”

  Nice job, Julian.

  Fazul gave him a wide grin. “Think no more of it, friend! Small men dwell on such trifles of the past. Instead, we shall look ahead to the future.” He held out a rolled-up sheet of scroll-grade paper to Julian.