Critical Failures VII

by Robert Bevan

  “We shall not return until we have retrieved the artifacts that were stolen from our master.”

  “Oh shit!” said Denise. “I reckon he's talkin' about the dice!”

  Randy, Captain Longfellow, and Jay glared at her as the rowers on the longship murmured excitedly.

  “I demand permission to board your ship, Captain,” said Rothgar, son of Rothgar.

  Captain Longfellow scoffed. “Ye have me permission to go fuck yer whore mother.”

  The dwarf nodded. “So be it.” He turned to his crew. “They know of the Sacred Jewels of Jordan Knight!”

  His crew cheered.

  “Tear that ship apart until you find what our master seeks. Slaughter any man who stands in your way!”

  The rowers laid down their oars in the center aisle of the narrow boat, then pulled grappling hooks, coils of rope, and daggers out from under their seats.

  Captain Longfellow shook his head as his own crewmen readied their weapons and took positions to intercept the invaders. “Poor devils. They be lining up for the slaughter.”

  “You can't kill them,” said Randy. “They was slaves, and they gotta be under some kind of mind control.”

  “Good thinkin', Randy,” said Denise. “We can make them our concubines.”

  “What would ye have me do?” asked Captain Longfellow. “Serve them drinks while they tear me ship to pieces?”

  “Of course not. But look how strong y'all are, and look at them. They barely got strength enough to lift them oars. All I'm sayin' is that you apply only as much pressure as necessary to subdue them.”

  Following Alexei's example from earlier for the sake of speed and a bit of drama, Randy grabbed the railing and vaulted himself down to the platform below. He wasn't nearly as graceful or surefooted as Alexei had been, but at least he didn't break his legs.

  The following two leaps went a little more smoothly, and he made it to the deck before anyone climbed on board.

  “Lower your weapons,” he demanded of Longfellow's crew, asserting more authority than was probably appropriate as a guest on someone else's ship. “Please.”

  The crew turned to Captain Longfellow, who shrugged and nodded.

  When the first invader peeked his goblin face over the railing, Randy punched it, then grabbed him by the throat and pulled him aboard.

  “Tie him up,” he said, handing the dazed goblin off to a crew member, along with the rope and grappling hook that he'd used to climb up.

  “Goddamn!” said Denise. “That was some cold shit, Randy.”

  The crew seemed a little confused at first by the concept of non-lethal fighting. But after a clumsy first wave of beating the shit out of invaders with their bare fists, they started to catch on, then appeared to really enjoy it.

  “It's like being back home with my father,” said a half-orc after he punched one of the invading humans so hard in the gut that he vomited all over the deck.

  A half-elf missing the tip of his left ear assumed tying duty. “It reminds me of being back home with your mother.” He and the half-orc shared a hearty laugh, then resumed punching and tying.

  By the end of the embarrassing attempt at piracy, every single one of the invaders, including their dwarven captain, lay on the Maiden's Voyage deck, constrained in their own ropes. Some had been beaten more excessively than others, but they were all alive. Hardly any of Captain Longfellow's men had suffered so much as a slight stabbing.

  “That was exhilarating,” said a heavily-tattooed human man, wiping rain and sweat from his bald head. “Let's untie them all and do it again.”

  “Ye play on yer own time!” said Captain Longfellow. “Tie their boat behind us and raise the sails.”

  “Captain!” cried one of the crew, who Randy recognized as Linnus, Alexei's new lover. “There's another one!”

  Randy the horizon the horizon in the direction Linnus was pointing. Sure enough, he could barely make out another longship through the mist and rain.

  Captain Longfellow stroked his grizzled beard as he peered out to sea. “Never mind towing the boat. Sink it. Haul the crew below deck and make sure those knots be secure. Bring the dwarf to me cabin.” He pointed at Randy. “You and yer companions. In me cabin now.”

  Randy started climbing but got stuck with Jay on the third tier waiting for Denise. Thankfully, she only had the one ladder to climb.

  “I know ye lot be wrapped up in these shenanigans somehow,” said the captain when Randy, Denise, and Jay finally entered his cabin. “Spill yer guts, or by the gods I'll spill them for ye.”

  “There ain't nothin' more to say than what I already told you,” said Randy. “The whole reason we was coming here was to investigate what little Jay had told us.”

  Captain Longfellow turned to Jay with warning eyes. “And what, precisely, be that?”

  “That song they were singing while they were rowing,” said Jay. “Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. These two said they recognized it as a song from our world, a little before my time.”

  “Yer world?”

  “Oh. Randy didn't tell you about us being from a different world?”

  The captain turned his narrowed eyes back to Randy. “Nar. 'Twould seem he neglected to mention that small detail whilst he was being so forthcoming with information.”

  “I weren't tryin' to keep nothing from you,” said Randy. “I just didn't think you'd believe me, or that you'd find it relevant.”

  “Never mind what ye think I'll believe. When yer aboard me ship, ye'll cough up whatever cockamamie beluga shite yer jism-riddled brain believes to be true. I'll be the judge of whether or not ye been clobbered upon the head by one too many stone giant cock.”

  “Yes, Captain.”

  “Now this dwarf who's being hauled up here as we speak. Do he be of this world ye claim to come from?”

  “No, sir,” said Randy. “At least, I don't reckon so. But the bard he was talkin' about, the one he's working for. He's from our world.”

  Captain Longfellow turned sharply to Denise. “And what of the dice ye spoke of?”

  Denise squirmed in her chair. “Dice? I ain't said nothin' about no dice.”

  While Randy appreciated Denise's efforts to keep knowledge of the dice as close to the chest as possible, she'd already spilled the beans on it, and Captain Longfellow had just made very plain how thin his tolerance for falsehoods was stretched. Not that it mattered much, as Randy's compulsion to speak the truth was forcing the words out of his mouth.

  “The dice are what sent us to this world,” he said. Telling the truth felt like scratching his nose after helping a friend move a heavy piece of furniture. “They sent Mordred here, too. And he'll stop at nothing to get them back.”

  Captain Longfellow scrutinized Randy in silence for a moment. “And who in the squid-fucking depths is Mordred?”

  “He's the bard.”

  “I thought ye said the bard's name was Jorban Knight.”

  “Jordan Knight,” Randy corrected him. “That's more like his stage name. He must be using his music to force all these people to go search for the dice. If he gets his hands on just one, he'll send himself back to our world and regain complete control over this one.”

  “A bard, ye say?” Captain Longfellow laughed. “Whoever heard of an entertainer wielding that kind of power and influence?”

  Jay shrugged. “Where we come from, it's not uncommon.”

  The captain stopped laughing and stared at Jay, then at Randy and Denise who were nodding their agreement.

  “Yer serious,” he said. “Out of your fool minds, but serious nonetheless.”

  “Unhand me at once!” demanded a gruff voice from outside the captain's quarters. “Surrender the artifact and release me, or you will surely suffer the wrath of Jordan Knight!”

  Two of Captain Longfellow's crewmen shoved Rothgar, the dwarven longboat captain, through the door, his hands tied behind his back, and sat him down hard in a chair. Being the most formidable of the invaders, he'd taken one of the big
gest beatings. His face was swollen, his nose crooked, and blood ran from his nose all the way down both disheveled braids of his mustache.

  “Very good,” said Captain Longfellow. “Now we shall see how closely this dwarf's story matches yer own.”

  Rothgar spat a gob of bloody phlegm on the table in front of him. “You'll get nothing out of me, cowardly son of a –”

  SMACK!

  One of the crewmen who'd escorted Rothgar backhanded him across the face hard enough to knock an elf's head clean off.

  “That be enough, lads,” said Captain Longfellow. “Now get yer cock scabbards back to work.”

  “Yes, Captain,” said the two men in unison. They exited the captain's quarters and closed the door behind them.

  “Y'all lay him down on the table and hold him still,” said Denise. “When I'm through with him, he'll sing like... Well, like Jordan Knight, I reckon.”

  “How dare you speak such blasphemy!” said Rothgar. “But do unto me as you will. I shall be honored to suffer the worst torture you can imagine for my master.”

  Randy rose from his chair. “Now, everybody calm down. Ain't nobody gonna torture nobody.”

  “I might remind ye who be wearing the captain's hat,” said Captain Longfellow.

  “I'm no fan of torture,” said Jay. “But come on, Randy. Did you see how hard this dude just got bitch slapped? He's going to be a tough nut to crack if you want to get any information out of him. Maybe you and I can go take a walk or something.”

  “I ain't goin' nowhere.” Randy looked down at Captain Longfellow. “I don't mean no offense, Captain. But I answer to a higher authority, no matter whose ship I'm on, and I can't allow no torture. Besides, you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar, if you catch my meaning.”

  Captain Longfellow grimaced. “If it be flies I want to catch, I'd sail this ship into yer mother's gaping sperm tunnel.”

  “Damn!” said Jay.

  Denise chuckled. “You got a way with words, Captain.”

  Even Rothgar looked more shaken up by the captain's words than he'd been about getting the crap slapped out of him.

  “While I don't appreciate that kind of talk about my deceased mother,” said Randy, “I recognize that you gotta assert your authority.”

  “Ye'll recognize more than that if ye try to give orders on me ship again.” Captain Longfellow stood up to meet Randy eye-to-eye. “When ye come aboard the Maiden's Voyage, there be no authority higher than me.”

  The last thing Randy wanted was to back the captain into a corner. Instead, he decided to sidestep the argument and propose an alternative solution to the problem.

  “I apologize, Captain,” he said. “But he ain't gonna give up nothin' no matter how much you beat him. I seen this kind of zealotry before. He wants to suffer. He said as much himself.”

  “Then what do ye propose we do? Suck his cock until the truth comes out?”

  “That sounds about Randy's speed,” said Denise.

  Randy shot her a warning glare, then turned back to Captain Longfellow. “That is not, in fact, what I had in mind.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out one of the vials he'd acquired at the Happy Cock. “With your permission, Captain, I would like to try this.”

  Captain Longfellow squinted at the vial. “And what be that?”

  “Just a little something I picked up before we set sail. It makes folks more cooperative.”

  Rothgar's eyes went wide.

  “Hey!” said Denise. “You ain't said you got more of those. That's my pregnancy medicine!”

  Rothgar's eyes went wider.

  Randy turned to Denise and Jay, then thought better of it and turned back to Captain Longfellow. “Captain, I await your command.”

  Captain Longfellow nodded. “Aye. Hold him down and pinch his nose.”

  Denise moved faster than Randy had seen her move in the past couple of weeks. She pulled Rothgar up out of his chair, spun him around, slammed him down on the table and climbed up on top of him to pin him down.

  Jay wasn't quite as gung-ho as Denise, but he did his part by pinching Rothgar's nose.

  Rothgar squirmed and held his breath until his face turned purple, but he could only hold out so long. When he finally exhaled through his mouth, Randy poured the red liquid in.

  Captain Longfellow forced Rothgar's mouth closed and clapped a grimy hand over it. “Swallow! Take it down like yer sister takes a donkey's load!”

  Randy shook his head at the captain, who was staring daggers at Rothgar. That sort of talk was completely uncalled for, but Randy knew he had to choose his battles with the captain more selectively now.

  Rothgar held out a little longer, but eventually gulped down the potion.

  Captain Longfellow removed his hand, and Rothgar gulped in deep breaths of air.

  “Now tell me what ye know of this so-called Great Bard!”

  “Never! I'll never betray my master!”

  The captain glared accusingly at Randy.

  “You got to give it a minute to take effect.”

  “I got to do nothing!” snapped Captain Longfellow. He let go of Rothgar and got up in Randy's face. “Again ye forget yer place aboard me ship. I be the captain, and I tell folks what they got and don't got to do here!” He pulled a dagger from its sheath on his belt. The tarnished, jewel-studded hilt had probably been a lot more eye-catching when it belonged to whomever he had acquired it from, and the blade looked like it had cleaned a lot more fish than its creator ever imagined it would.

  Randy wasn't scared. Maybe he should have been. He didn't know how well he'd fare in a fight with the captain if it came to that, but he had no fear of death.

  “I ain't your enemy, Captain.”

  “We shall see.” The captain flipped the dagger around, caught it by the blade, then offered the hilt to Randy.

  Unsure of why it was being offered, Randy accepted the dagger. “What's this for?”

  Captain Longfellow turned his back on Randy and paused, presumably to dare Randy to stab him in the back. When Randy failed to do so, the captain went over to his shelves and removed an old dusty hourglass.

  As large as a Family Size box of Fruity Pebbles, the glass was encased in a frame of dark polished wood, carved into the shapes of four human feet at one end, and four hands at the other.

  Flipping it from the hand side to the foot, the captain set it down with a loud thunk at the end of the table. At the rate the sand was pouring out, Randy could tell it wasn't going to last anywhere close to an hour.

  “Ye might find use for it,” said Captain Longfellow. “One way or another, ye'll get that dwarf to talk before the last grain of sand falls, or I'll be chumming the waters with the both of ye.”

  Rothgar laughed. “You fools dance to the master's glorious song, and you don't even know it. Cut me to pieces! Do it slowly, so that I can savor every excruciating minute of it.”

  “Come on, Captain,” pleaded Jay. “Please don't put this on Randy. He just hasn't got it in him. The rest of us can overpower him, tie him up, and interrogate this dude any way we see fit.”

  Captain Longfellow didn't take his eyes off Randy. This wasn't about getting Rothgar to talk anymore. This was about Randy overstepping his bounds and repeatedly challenging the captain's authority. In order to assert that authority, he was forcing Randy to choose between death and doing the thing he'd demanded nobody else do. The choice was easy.

  Randy set the dagger down gently on the table. “I understand, Captain. You do what you gotta do, but I ain't gonna torture nobody, and I ain't gonna stand by while no one else does it, neither.”

  “Jesus Christ, Randy,” said Denise, staring at the dwindling sands of the hourglass, which had drained about three quarters of the way now. “Ain't nobody askin' you to watch. Just get the fuck out of here and let us take care of it.”

  “I ain't going nowhere, Denise. The Lord has a plan for me, and if that plan involves getting' chopped into pieces and thrown in the sea, then
I reckon that's what I'm gonna do.”

  Captain Longfellow shook his head. “Yer both madder than an eight-dicked dolphin.” He turned his sad eyes from the empty hourglass to Randy. “Damn ye to the depths for making me do this.”

  “Wait!” said Jay. He glared severely at Rothgar. “This is your last chance. Nobody has to get hurt here. All we want is for you to talk to us.”

  Rothgar gave Jay a wide blood-soaked grin. “That is very touching. Too few people take the time to get to know one another these days. What would you like to talk about?”

  Randy felt Captain Longfellow staring at him, and tried to maintain an air of humility.

  “I'll tell you what we want to talk about, motherfucker!” said Denise. “If you don't start talking about –”

  “Denise!” said Randy.

  “Just a second, man. We finally broke him. Don't interrupt the momentum.”

  “We ain't broke him. I reckon he's just feeling friendlier now. Ain't that right, Rothgar?”

  Rothgar struggled to sit up. “I have a few aches and pains, but on the whole, I feel fantastic.”

  Randy picked up the dagger off the table and addressed Captain Longfellow extra politely. “I think our guest might be more comfortable if we removed his restraints.”

  “Aye.” The captain poured himself a drink and gulped it down while Randy cut the rope binding Rothgar's hands behind his back. “Would anyone else care for a cup?”

  Jay nodded.

  “Fuck yes,” said Denise.

  “That would be delightful,” said Rothgar as he rubbed the soreness out of his wrists.

  Captain Longfellow turned to Randy. “And ye?”

  Randy smiled. “I would love a drink, Captain.”

  “Lord Shitflinger!” shouted Captain Longfellow. “Three more cups!”

  The monkey shrieked as it swung itself down from the rafters to the shelves, then hurled three tin cups, one at a time, down on the table.

  Rothgar clapped excitedly. “A monkey! He is so adorable.”

  When everyone's drinks had been poured, Captain Longfellow gestured expectantly at Randy, but Randy simply stared back at him, politely allowing him to initiate the interrogation.

  “Very well.” The captain turned to Rothgar. “Tell us about this bard ye serve.”