Critical Failures VII

by Robert Bevan

  Ravenus backed away from him slowly, then flew up to a tree branch. “I have what you're looking for!” he shouted down at Mordred, who turned around to glare at him. “I've swallowed it. Heal my master, and I shall shit it out for you. Otherwise, I'll fly away and bury it where you'll never be able to –” He squawked loudly as a vine that had snaked up the tree caught hold of his talon. “Shit.”

  “Silly bird!” said Mordred. “Who are you to make demands of me? I was too kind to you last time I caught you. This time, I will make you pay dearly.” He snarled in annoyance, then turned to face the forty-foot-tall living wave arriving on the scene. “But first I'll deal with this.” He peered up at the man riding on the wave's shoulder. “Who are you?”

  “I am Captain Logan of Seastalker. I have followed the call of my father's sword, and I am here to claim what is mine.”

  Mordred rolled his eyes. “Get in line, buddy.”

  “I demand you bring me Katherine, captain of Nightwind, at once!”

  Mordred stroked his beard thoughtfully in a way that Chaz feared didn't bode well for Captain Logan. “I think I have a better idea.” He thrust both hands forward, shooting lightning bolts directly into the water monster's junk.

  Captain Logan's screams were barely audible through the loud continuous crackle of electricity as lightning lit up the water monster's body like a giant bug zapper in a termite swarm. The screams only lasted for about five seconds, but Mordred kept pumping lightning into the monster until whatever force that had been animating it gave out, turning it into ordinary water, which came gushing down.

  Captain Logan's charred remains landed with a loud splat in the mud, while the monster's remains swirled into the hole... until it leveled off. It had filled whatever the hole led down to, topped off the crater, and sealed Katherine's fate for good. Even without Mordred getting in their way, there was no way they could get down there to rescue her in time. Chaz hoped that she'd at least passed peacefully.

  “MORDRED!” shouted Tony the Elf. “You son of a bitch! I'll kill you!”

  Mordred sneered at him. “We shall see about that.” He pointed a finger at the base of the tree Ravenus was trapped in, and the earth beneath it liquefied. Then he turned dozens more nearby saplings to vines, all of which snaked up the trunk and began to pull.

  Its roots unable to support it against the pull of the vines, the tree fell toward Mordred. Chaz hoped it might crush him, but he didn't even flinch as the trunk fell right beside him, Ravenus's branch a mere five feet away.

  “Cough up the die, bird, or I'll tear it out of you with my teeth.”

  Ravenus brandished his free talon like a knife-fighter, waiting for Mordred to move within reach.

  Mordred sighed as he impatiently rolled his index finger. Another vine grabbed Ravenus, this time around the midsection. It wrapped around him and began to constrict.

  Ravenus squawked until he finally began to gag, then threw up. The die fell to the ground at Mordred's feet in a puddle of bird vomit.

  After picking up the die and rinsing it off in a puddle of cleaner water, Mordred climbed up onto the stump to address his soon-to-be reclaimed subjects.

  “I look forward to running the game again, and I hope you will all be a little more adventurous from here on. It's no fun when you just sit in your inn and hide from the rest of the world. Get out there and enjoy yourselves. Are there any questions you'd like to ask before I return to Earth?”

  “Fuck your mother!” said Denise.

  Mordred frowned. “Was that a question?”

  A bit of movement behind Mordred caught Chaz's eye. Tony the Elf had managed to wrest himself free of the vine that was holding him up, and he was sneaking toward Mordred, slowly pulling out his machetes.

  “Well,” said Mordred. “If there's nothing else, I suppose I'll be –”

  “I have a question!” said Chaz.

  “Yes?”

  Shit. Now he had to think of a question.

  “What's your favorite song?”

  Mordred squinted at him in disbelief. “What kind of question is –”

  The still water covering the crater erupted as a giant shark flew out of it. Mordred barely had time to turn around before his head and dice-wielding arm were in the shark's mouth.

  “Never mind,” said Chaz. “Wasn't important.”

  The vine let go of his foot, and he landed in the soft mud. His costume was fucked.

  When he stood up again, what remained of Mordred's body lay where he saw it fall. But instead of the shark he expected to see, Chaz saw Katherine standing over it. She was rubbing a giant purple bruise on the side of her face, and she looked like she was in a rotten mood.

  “Katherine!” said Tony the Elf. “I thought you were dead!”

  Katherine shrugged. “I almost was. I didn't think I was ever going to – Shit!” Her gaze was on Tanner's body. “What happened to Tanner?”

  Tony the Elf shuffled his feet. “Mordred slit his throat.”

  “Goddammit. Again?”

  “Technically, the last time was your brother.”

  Katherine sighed. “Just help me get him in the bag, would you?”

  Chapter 50

  “It sure is warm today,” said Cooper. Nabi had been quiet all morning, and he wanted to hear her voice in his head, just to know she was still with him.

  “What the fuck do you expect?” Tim was riding on Cooper's back like both a real and metaphorical monkey. “We're in the goddamn desert.”

  “I was talking to Nabi.”

  “I figured as much, but you should be talking to me instead. I'm real, after all. And I talk back.”

  “Why would I want to talk to you? You tried to cut off my foot, asshole.”

  Tim sighed. “At least let me do something wrong before you get pissy with me about it. Whose foot did I actually cut off? Thanks to your skank whore of an axe.”

  Cooper didn't bother to respond. He was as pissed at Tim as he was going to get. If he was going to shout at him, or punch him, or leave his crippled ass to die in the desert, he would have done it long before now.

  “Don't worry, Coop,” said Tim. “We're due for a full moon tonight. By this time tomorrow, we'll be best friends again, and Knobby's the one you'll be ignoring.”

  Cooper had never paid much attention to the cycles of the moon before, but he'd been noticing that it had been getting fuller the past few nights. Nabi had probably been noticing that as well, which would account for her being so quiet lately. She didn't want to talk about what they've both been thinking.

  Don't listen to him, Cooper. You'll resist this. It's just a matter of willpower, and you have a strong heart.

  He was happy to finally hear her, even if her words made him feel more hopeless. Looking ahead, all he could see was more sand on the horizon. He'd been covering as much ground as he could every day, hoping to find the edge of the desert. Even if, by some miracle, they found it today, the chances of them arriving at a village where someone had already prepared that belladonna shit and was ready to administer it to him... Well, those were smaller odds than his stupid brain could imagine.

  “A strong heart doesn't cut it,” he said. “It all comes down to a random dice roll.”

  “That's right, Knobby,” said Tim. “So suck it.”

  Could he hear Nabi too? Or was he just guessing her part from the context of what Cooper had said? It didn't matter.

  “Now's not a good time to fuck with me, Tim,” said Cooper. “I'm real fucking close to dropping your sorry ass in the desert and going on without you.”

  “That's cool. I was going to hop off pretty soon anyway. The sun will be going down soon, and I'd like to put a little distance between us before you rat out and start losing your shit.”

  Cooper dropped Tim and turned around to face him. “What the fuck, man? You've been planning to ditch me in the desert? Then why the hell have I been carrying you around this whole time?”

  “Take it easy. I'm not ditching you. Fa
r from it, I can't wait to watch. The first night someone turns, they'll attack anyone nearby, friend or enemy. They completely lose their mind. They've got no idea who they are or what they're doing. It's going to be epic seeing you flip the fuck out, frustrated that there's nobody around for you to kill.” Tim looked down at his half-foot. “Unfortunately, I don't currently have the spring in my step that I used to. So I'm going to turn invisible, stay a safe distance away, and watch you scream and howl and kick sand around until you pass out.”

  “That sounds fucking awful.” Cooper didn't like not being in control of himself. Even with Nabi's good intentions, he was always uncomfortable when she took control of his will. “Did you kill anyone your first time turning?”

  Tim laughed. “Fuck no. They put me in a cage. I woke up the next morning all bruised and sore, with my clothes all torn to shreds. It sucked.” He shrugged. “But it's really fun to watch a new guy turn. We'd get drunk and throw rocks and darts and shit at him in his cage, and he'd keep slamming his face into the bars trying to get to us. Good times. We'll set up something like that when we get back to civilization and start building our empire.”

  Oh, Cooper. Please fight to resist this. I can't bear the thought of seeing you turn into such a... I don't even know if we have a word for it.

  “Douchebag,” said Cooper.

  Tim looked up. “Excuse me?”

  “You and your rat friends throwing shit at the guy freaking out in the cage you locked him up in. You sound like a bunch of douchebags.”

  “Oh come down off your high whore. Before you turned into such a big pussy, you would have thought that was hilarious. We didn't hurt the new guy. He has damage resistance. You can think of it like hazing a pledge at a fraternity.”

  “That was exactly how I was thinking of it, shithead! Those guys were the fucking definition of douchebags. You don't remember Spring Breaks, when you used to complain that the Chicken Hut smelled like small dick and AXE body spray for days after they passed through?”

  “That was a joke.” Tim rolled his eyes. “Jesus, Cooper. I mean, what does small dick even smell like?”

  “The dollar bills hanging out of your mom's work pants.”

  Tim laughed. “I guess I walked right into that one.”

  “I didn't turn into a big pussy,” said Cooper. “I didn't turn into shit. You're the one who's changed.”

  “So I've gained a little empathy for people I used to unfairly judge. Is that such a bad thing?”

  Cooper held Nabi close to his chest and stared at Tim. “You were never the most ambitious person in the world. Fuck, none of us were, except for maybe Julian. You never really had a solid idea of what you wanted to do with your life, or who you wanted to be. But you sure as shit knew what you didn't want to be, and it's exactly what you've become.”

  “Thanks, Cooper,” said Tim. “That's some Hallmark Channel inspirational shit you just dropped on me. How's the menopause treating you?”

  “Fuck you. If Old Tim was here, he'd kick your ass for letting him become such a douchey piece of shit.”

  “And if Old Cooper was here, he'd...” Tim struggled to finish the thought. Cooper helped him out.

  “He'd kick your ass for letting his best friend become such a douchey piece of shit.”

  Cooper gulped down as much from the Decanter of Endless Water as his stomach would hold, then tossed it on the sand next to Tim.

  “Nah, I'm good for now,” said Tim. “Maybe use it to hose out your ass or something. It's amazing how you still manage to smell so bad in zero humidity. Dude, where are you going?”

  If he was going to turn tonight, he didn't want to give Tim the satisfaction of being able to witness it. If he didn't turn, he didn't want to spend any more time with Tim. He walked.

  “I can't keep up with you!” Tim called after him. “I've only got one foot, for fuck's sake!”

  Don't leave the decanter behind. You don't know how much desert remains.

  “I'll take my chances. If I hear his voice again, I might kill him.”

  Well, then let's do that.

  “Nabi, I'm not in the fucking mood.”

  About an hour passed before Nabi spoke again.

  You could have taken the decanter. Why should you die while he lives? It makes no sense.

  “I'm not going to let him die of dehydration. That's a pussy way to kill someone. If I was going to kill him, I would have fucking killed him. Either with you, or my bare hands... That's kind of why I had to walk away. I've been fantasizing about it a bit.”

  I know. I've been listening to your thoughts.

  “You don't understand, Nabi. Where I come from, we're not as quick to murder our friends when they turn into dicks. We just kind of part ways instead.”

  I do understand. I've been doing some thinking as well, and I'm not sure I'll be able to kill you if you turn.

  “That's, um... sweet of you to say.”

  I want you to bury me in the sand.

  “Why? Shit, are you fucking dying?”

  No, Cooper. I'm not dying. I don't want you to bury me deep. Just enough so that I won't be able to see you. If what your friend says is true, I can't bear the thought of seeing you like that. Leave a marker on the sand above me so that you can find me again in the morning. But make it something small so that you won't notice it during your madness.

  Cooper stared at the top quarter of the sun sinking below the horizon. He'd been walking westward, chasing it in the hopes that the few extra hours it gave him might have made the difference.

  “I'm kind of scared, Nabi. I'd rather not be alone.”

  I'm scared too. Scared of losing you, but also of what I might do to you. As I said, I don't know if I have it in me to kill you or not, and I would prefer not to have to make that choice. Please respect my wishes.

  Cooper nodded, then swept the sand with his foot until he'd made a Nabi-sized hole. After placing her in it, he swept sand on top of her, then took a step back. If he blinked, he feared he'd never be able to find where he'd buried her again.

  A teardrop hit the sand, followed by a big watery gob of snot. Great. At least the crushing loneliness he was suddenly overwhelmed with meant that nobody could see him crying like a little bitch.

  As the sand absorbed his tears and snot, a tiny shoot sprouted up in their place and grew a single green leaf. That was enough for Cooper to be able to look away.

  Digging through his bag for something more substantial to mark the spot, he found a copper coin. Figuring he wouldn't be scrounging for change while he was going apeshit with murderlust in the desert, he thought it would make a good enough marker. He placed it over Nabi, then backed away. He felt like he should say some parting words in case they never saw each other again, but he was no poet. He'd probably just throw up on her or something. Leaving his bag behind as well, lest he should decide he wanted to tear the shit out of it, he walked away until he could barely see it. He took one last look at the horizon, hoping to catch a glimpse of Uncle Ernie's Belladonna Farm, but only saw more sand. Sitting down on the cooling sand, he closed his eyes and awaited his fate.

  Maybe the moon wouldn't have any effect on him if he didn't see it. Hell, maybe he could just sleep through the whole ordeal. He couldn't recall ever seeing a werewolf movie where the dude wolfed out in his sleep. It was worth a shot.

  He turned over and lay on his belly, his head buried face-down in his arms. After a few minutes, he felt a strange sensation in his crotch.

  Shit! It's starting!

  Unable to resist, he rolled onto his side and took a peek, then breathed a long sigh of relief. It was just some stupid plant trying to grow out of the sand where he'd pissed himself.

  After another half hour or so, he felt himself starting to doze off. Then he felt a tug in his gut.

  “Fuck,” he said. That was no plant.

  His asshole exploded like he'd been holding in shit for a week. Nabi had no doubt seen some grim sights during her time with him, but he was gratef
ul that she couldn't see this.

  Another tug in the guts.

  Was this it? Was he turning? Or did this have to do with all the fruit he'd been eating for the past few days?

  The pain grew in sharpness and intensity, radiating out from his gut to his extremities. He tried to resist it, contain it somehow. But it wasn't happening. His body was going to do what it was going to do, and he had no more control over the rest of it than he had over his sphincter. The dam was about to burst, and he was miles away from the nearest toilet.

  Thankfully, he passed out.

  *

  Cooper woke up to a glaring late-morning sun. He felt hungover and hollowed out, as if he'd spent the entire night pounding back drinks and shitting himself. Beyond his usual layer of filth, he was covered with sweat and sand. But otherwise, he didn't feel much different than usual.

  Had he changed? Or had he just had a bad case of the shits during the night. A quick glance at his surroundings confirmed the latter theory, but didn't necessarily rule out the former.

  The sand was disturbed for thirty feet in every direction, as if aliens had descended on this very spot and had a dance party while he slept. Or maybe not aliens. Maybe it was those asshole wizards from the Crescent Shadow. That seemed like exactly the sort of thing they might do. He hoped it was them who had stepped in his dehydrated shit that was splattered all over the area.

  Fuck this. He was fine. In fact, aside from a little soreness from a rough night's sleep, he couldn't remember ever feeling so good. Spotting his bag on the horizon, he ran over to get Nabi. Then they could get the fuck out of this desert.

  Next to his bag, he spotted the coin Nabi was buried under and the dried brown remains of the little plant he'd snotted out of the ground. He got down on his knees and brushed the sand away with his hands. There she was, just where he'd left her. He reached down to pick her up, then hesitated. Something was different about her.

  Or maybe not different. It was more like he could sense something in her that he'd never noticed before. Something malicious. He thought of all those hobos she made him murder, how much of a pouty bitch she was because he wouldn't let her kill Mordred. Fucking hell, she'd chopped off Tim's goddamn foot. What the hell was wrong with her? What the hell was wrong with him for not seeing what a fucking psycho she was before now?