by Nina Bruhns
Cole sighed, feeling a pull on his heartstrings he wouldn't have believed possible just a few short months ago. How he loved his son! And as much as it scared him witless, he knew Renegade was right. He loved Rini, too.
Admitting it, even silently to himself, had launched him into a tailspin of panic after his friend had driven off a week ago. Since then, Cole had meticulously avoided being close to Rini. He couldn't look into her eyes without feeling abject terror at the vulnerability he suddenly experienced.
When she sought him out about some household thing he'd snap at her. When she touched him, he'd shrink away in fear that he would blurt out everything. And he wasn't ready to do that yet.
He padded barefoot down the hall and stood in the doorway to their room, watching her sleep. He knew he had to deal with it—this love he'd be a fool to deny. He should tell her. And deep down, he wanted to tell her. To share it—that giddy helplessness of having one's heart held so precariously in another's keeping, the heady vertigo from the plunge into trust that he'd taken without quite realizing what he was doing.
Rini's chest rose and fell under his wool blanket. He longed to slip into bed with her. Just hold her tight. Throw caution to the wind and whisper the words in her ear.
But he didn't have the guts.
Besides, she'd be taking her last exam in the morning. She was dead tired from studying all day. She needed to sleep—more than she needed to hear the pleas of a lovesick man whose only thought was to bury himself deep inside her and tell her he loved her again and again until sunlight trickled through the windowpanes.
It would wait. Just a couple of days. Until she'd finished with studying and tests and graduation rehearsals.
Then he'd tell her.
She'd be rested and happy. He'd cook her an extra special dinner and buy her something really nice. Then he'd look at her over the lighted candles and tell her he loved her.
He wouldn't worry about her abandoning him one day. He'd just say it. I love you, Rini, he'd say. Then she'd tell him she loved him, too.
And she'd never leave him. Ever.
"Cole?" Rini rose up on one elbow.
He started. "What? Go back to sleep!"
Her face wasn't visible in the dark, but he saw her chin wobble. "Aren't you coming to bed?" Her voice was a thready whisper.
"I, uh…" He took a step toward the bed and then halted. "I, uh, need to finish up something." He shot a hand through his hair. "In the, uh, living room. I'll be back in a few minutes. You go to sleep."
She didn't move. He backed out of the room and quietly pulled the door closed. Ho boy. He stood with his sweaty palm on the doorknob and took several deep breaths. He'd nearly lost it.
His stomach was knotted almost as hard as his—
Aw, hell. He turned stiffly and headed for the guest room. If he made it through the rest of the week with his sanity intact it would be a pure damned miracle.
* * *
Cole shot out of bed and groaned. It was Rini's graduation day and he was late. He rubbed the heels of his hands over his eyes, wincing at the rocks and gravel that ground into his eyeballs. Hell, he had to get some sleep soon.
Thank goodness the waiting would soon be over. Ready or not, today was the day. His pulse pounded in terror at the mere thought of what he was going to do later.
Rini had already left for the early morning graduation festivities. He had fallen back to sleep after being up much of the night with Chance, who seemed to have acquired colic at an age when other babies were just getting over it. And now Cole had overslept by a mile.
His nerves were nearly shot by the time he and Chance peeled into a parking garage at UCLA. Chance had wailed for the whole forty-minute ride, only falling asleep as they got off the freeway in Westwood. But when Cole lifted him from the car seat, the baby woke up and started again with gusto.
Two old ladies scowled as he slid into an empty spot next to them. He killed the impulse to glare back and instead gave them a helpless shrug, jiggling his screaming son on one knee.
The sun was merciless, Chance was miserable, the ceremony was interminable and Cole hadn't even had his coffee. He sighed and slumped down on the hard seat.
He was so damned proud of Rini, sitting out there somewhere in the sea of black and gold. This was what she had worked so hard for. He should be excited for her. Irritatedly, he pushed back the traitorous thought that now she could make it on her own with no help from him.
No. She wouldn't leave him. Not after tonight.
The names of the graduates droned on.
Damn, he needed to get himself into a better mood. How was a man supposed to feel romantic with a splitting headache and a cranky kid squirming in his arms?
He stuck a bottle in Chance's mouth and went over what he had to do before tonight. The steaks were marinating and he'd already made the lemon meringue pie, so he just needed to stop at the Chinese grocery to pick up spring rolls, and the bakery for crusty French bread. He had a nice bottle of Pouilly-Fuissé chilling, and hazelnut chocolate coffee beans waiting in the freezer. Thinking about the nice dinner he'd planned eased the throb in his head somewhat.
What else?
He had to remember to hide the box containing the pearl earrings he'd bought her somewhere handy, near the fireplace. A corner of his mouth lifted in anticipation.
He hoisted the baby to his shoulder and patted him. Chance let out a gurgly belch and warm milk spewed down the back of Cole's shirt. He clenched his teeth in frustration. The day could only get better.
* * *
After the ceremony, Katarina accepted a kiss from Cole and gave Chance a hug. The little guy appeared positively wrung out, and the big guy didn't look much better. The masculine angles of his face seemed pinched and she couldn't for the life of her figure out how his beautiful bronze skin could possibly have turned that dreadful shade of pinkish gray.
"Rough morning?"
"A bit. Congratulations, honey. You done good."
"Thanks." She looked down at her graduation gown billowing in the breeze. He was always so supportive and encouraging. She glanced up. "Shall I take Chance home with me?"
"I've got the car seat. Why don't you just feed him before we go? Most of his last bottle is on the back of my shirt."
They settled under a shady tree while she fed Chance. Cole looked tired. But oh, so handsome. His hair was getting longer. She wondered if he planned on growing it past his shoulders again, like it had been when she first saw him. She sighed, imagining running her fingers through its coarse silkiness.
Cole unscrolled her diploma and studied it. Her gaze trailed across his broad shoulders, admiring how his male frame stretched his knit shirt as he held the parchment up to view. Looking from him to the diploma, she blinked back the tears that suddenly swelled in her eyes.
It wasn't until she was alone in the car driving home that she allowed them to fall freely. In her heart, she wasn't sure whether they were from finally fulfilling her lifelong dream, or from the knowledge that she could do nothing but watch as she slowly lost the only man she had ever loved.
* * *
Chapter 16
« ^ »
Two hours later, Cole finally pulled his truck into the driveway, fuming like a geyser ready to blow. Rini ran to meet him. When she caught sight of him, she stopped dead. He knew his shirt was torn and he was covered from head to toe with dirt and streaks of black grease. Judging from her reaction, he must look as angry as he felt.
"Cole, are you okay?"
Reining in his instinctive retort, he rubbed a hand over the middle of his chest, then scratched agitatedly at his knit shirt. "Do me a favor and don't ask," he said wearily. "Can you get Chance?"
Thankfully, she bit back her questions, nodded and hurried to gather the crying baby and diaper bag out of the truck's cab. The instant Chance's head hit her shoulder he fell into an exhausted sleep. He ground his teeth. Figured.
"I'll just put him in his crib," she murmured.
/> A blissful silence reigned over the house as Cole made his way to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of beer. His Adam's apple bobbed gratefully as he swallowed the cold liquid, and he swiped over his eyes wearily.
Rini walked in. "He's out like a light."
Cole peered over at her. "I don't know what's gotten into him lately. For the past few days he's done nothing but cry. My nerves are about to snap."
She averted her gaze. "Probably just picking up on all the stress. From finals and graduation," she said quickly. Too quickly, he thought. "You have a flat tire or something?"
He took a long swallow from the bottle, wondering what was making her so jumpy. "Or something."
"On the freeway?"
Another pull. "Uh-huh."
She walked to the kitchen counter and poured herself a glass of wine. "The police hassle you?"
He paused in middraft. "What do you think?"
"Chance scream the whole time?"
"Yep. Amazing they didn't arrest me for suspected child abuse." He was still wound tight as a spring and his head pounded. It didn't get much worse than changing the truck's tire on the side of a freeway with a baby screaming in one ear and a redneck California Highway Patrol officer making thinly veiled racist remarks in the other.
"I'm sorry."
He grunted, opened the cupboard, popped three aspirin and eyed the pretty white, eyelet-lace sundress Rini had changed into. All the adrenaline that had been rushing around his bloodstream for the whole rotten day zeroed right in on his groin. He was instantly hard.
"God, you're gorgeous." How could she wear something like that and not expect him to ravish her on the spot?
Her smile faltered when she spotted the huge, straining erection his jeans did nothing to hide. The worn denim couldn't begin to disguise the throbbing length he longed to impale her on. Damn, he needed her badly.
He allowed her to take one hesitant sip of her wine. Two. A gulp. Then he moved in. He captured her mouth hungrily, pushing his tongue between her lips. She stiffened, but after a second or two her body sagged against his. A soft moan escaped from her throat. Groping toward the counter, he set aside his bottle, then did the same with her glass.
He ravaged her mouth, all the frustrations of the day pouring out into his passionate assault. She tasted so good; she felt so right in his arms. "Oh, Rini, honey." He crushed her to him, reveling in her heated response. "I've missed you so. Missed this."
Her lips pulled away when he grasped her breast. "Wait—"
"Oh, woman, I want you."
Now. Right here. Hot and wet and frenetic on the kitchen table. No, the table was too far. The counter. He leaned in and covered her mouth again. His hands worked under the hem of her dress and up to the top of her panties and tugged. Down to her ankles they slid.
"Cole," she groaned. "I need to ask you something."
"What's the matter?" he murmured heatedly as he raised her dress to her waist and lifted her bare bottom onto the counter. "Don't you want your husband?" In a twinkling he had her dress unzipped and the clasp of her bra undone.
"Yes, more than anything, but—"
"Good."
He pushed the sleeves and straps off her shoulders, baring her breasts, then bent to lock his mouth around a pointed tip. Rini gasped and pulled his head tightly to her. The nipple lengthened on his tongue, and he gently stroked it. He wanted her so badly his throat ached. He moved down her body, taking pleasure in licking and sucking and nipping her into a writhing, panting mass of frustrated need.
Need for him.
He felt her fingers in his hair, grasping and tugging. "Cole, please—"
"I'm coming, baby." He yanked down his zipper, struggled to release the snap at his waist.
"No, you don't understand." She pushed at his shoulders, breathing heavily as he jerked his jeans down his hips.
"What?" He could hardly think at all for the piercing agony of need and desire pulsing between his legs. He parted her thighs and stepped between them. His sex was perfectly aligned, with the wet, silky sheath he sought so desperately. "Put your legs around my waist," he rasped.
He grunted in satisfaction when her legs hooked around him despite a hesitation. Circling an arm behind her soft, round derriere, he moved closer, pressing the length of him against the burning hot woman's flesh at the juncture of her spread thighs. He rubbed up and down, stimulating the hard little point he knew would give her the greatest pleasure. "I want to make love with you," he urged in a gravelly whisper, adding his thumb to the persuasion.
She moaned, letting her head fall back for a moment. "Why?" she asked the ceiling, her voice strangled.
He paused, the physical torture mounting unbearably at her unaccountable resistance. He clamped his jaw tightly. Why couldn't she just melt in his arms? "Why what?"
"Why do you want to make love with me?"
Cole steeled himself against the urge to just ram home. What a question! He resumed moving his trembling thumb in a slow circle around the pearl of her desire. "Come on, baby. Let it go." She quivered and grew wet, but her eyes sought his, the question in them burning slightly brighter than her hunger for him.
He would not enter her without permission. But he was likely to cripple himself if she didn't give in soon.
"Answer," she whispered.
He pressed his thumb a little harder, patience hanging on by a thread. "Because I want to make you explode with pleasure. And if you don't let me, I'm going to explode with frustration. I need to be inside you, Rini. Now."
Her eyes went limp and liquid. Shoving him aside, she lurched off the counter and stumbled away. "I can't do this anymore. I just can't."
Frustration had him crackling with anger. "What is your problem?"
"You! You're my problem!" She wrapped her arms around her middle. "You don't love me!"
He stared at her incredulously. If he'd had a less harrowing day, or his head hadn't been throbbing quite so badly, or if he hadn't been denying himself the pleasures of her body for more than a week, he might have been able to deal with her declaration more rationally. Known what to do. Taken her in his arms and soothed her with words he'd already planned to say.
As it was, he snapped, "Don't be ridiculous, Rini. I can't deal with this right now."
She sucked in a sharp breath. "That's it. I have to leave."
"Fine," he growled with an oath, and stated to stalk away. "I'm taking a shower."
"I'll send for my things later."
His whole body went into red alert, his heart clutching as if grasped by a powerful fist. He spun back to her. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"Dr. Redcloud offered me a job at Rincon. I'll—"
"What!?" Anger roared through his veins.
"At the health service. You can see Chance on—"
The full impact of her statement hit him like a locomotive. His hands clenched into fists and he slammed one against a cupboard door so had the glasses inside shook. "You're leaving me?" he shouted, unable to think of anything but her taking a job—and his son—that far away. "How can you do this to me?"
She was going to leave him!
Staggering under the cripplingly familiar pain of abandonment, he stalked to the opposite side of the kitchen, afraid to be within touching distance of her. "You said you loved me!"
"But you didn't!" she yelled back, and stormed out of the kitchen.
Didn't what? His mind reeling with numbing hurt, Cole stared after her, unable to wrap his brain around her nonsensical parting words.
How long had she been planning to leave him?
He grabbed the sides of his head, sure it would splinter from the pain. He leaned his forehead against the cool, solid wood of the cabinet in despair. Anguish clawed at his heart, rending it into shreds.
So much for the beginning of his new life and the new Colton Lonetree. So much for the man who was confident of his place in the world. The man who was not afraid to love.
He yanked his jeans closed, cove
ring himself from deceitful eyes. Eyes that had gazed at him so lovingly, while all the while planning to use and discard him.
He had to get out. Go somewhere and think. Lick his wounds and decide what to do.
* * *
Katarina ran into the bedroom and slammed the door, then turned and locked it for good measure.
She flung herself onto the bed and lay staring at the ceiling, arms crossed tightly over her midriff, hot tears running down her cheeks onto the pillow. For a long time she couldn't move. The thoughts kept whirling about in her head.
How had this happened? She hadn't meant to leave him. Not like this, anyway. Certainly not today, which should have been a celebration of everything she'd worked so had to achieve. And not in the accusatory manner in which she'd done it. He'd had such a bad day, and she'd been so unfair. She should have been calm, rational, given him a chance to respond calmly and rationally.
The situation struck home with sudden, searing pain. She'd told him she was leaving.
Oh, Lord. What would she do?
* * *
Cole steamed up the stairs to his office, craving the peace and solitude of his private sanctuary. He opened the outer door and ran right into Lindsay Walker.
"You!"
"Hi, Cole. Can we talk?"
"This isn't a good time, Lindsay."
"Please?" She looked up at him, and he noticed the red rims around her eyes. "I really need a shoulder."
"This really isn't a good time."
Her gaze dropped. "I met with Jeff."
Jetting out a breath, Cole shut his eyes for a moment. Damn. "All right. Let's grab a cup of coffee." Maybe listening to someone else's troubles for a few minutes would let him put himself back together.
They walked to a nearby café and chose a table for two at a window in the back. "So what happened?" he asked.
She stared into her coffee. "It was awful. He accused me of all sorts of things." Her shoulder lifted imperceptibly. "All of which were true, of course."
Cole leaned back and fingered his coffee cup. "Ouch." Her eyes flitted to his, then around the room. "Sort of got me thinking, I guess."
He remained silent, letting her take the time she needed. "There wasn't much I could say to defend the choices I've made in my life, but there was one thing I could do." Shakily, she lifted her cup and drank.
