Escaping the Edge

by H. M. Sholander

  I’m doing the best I can to hold myself together because I know Ryan will walk around that curtain any minute. I quickly swipe away my tears and smile at her.

  “Thank you. I owe you everything,” I tell her.

  “Avery?” Ryan tentatively says from the other side of the curtain. “Are you in there?

  “Don’t say anything to him,” I say, barely above a whisper. She appears confused, but agrees to my request with a nod. “In here.”

  “There you are. I’ve been looking for you…hey, what’s wrong? Is it your ankle?” He rushes to my side and takes my hand in his.

  “It’s just sore. I’m fine.” One day I’ll be able to tell him the truth, but when will that be? It seems I'm running that excuse into the ground. Will I ever be ready?

  The nurse, whose name is Caroline, inspects my ankle while asking me several questions, and takes me for an x-ray. Once she’s done with my assessment, she retrieves the doctor who determines I have a sprained ankle after examining my x-rays. I have to wear a brace for two weeks along with using a set of the most uncomfortable crutches known to man.

  Caroline slips a note into my hand, and I smile at her gratefully. As I make my way through the waiting room, I pause at the front door. This hospital may seem cold and uninviting, but the people who work here are the ones who turn it into a miracle of hope for everyone who enters. They are the light that brings love to something that would otherwise be a cold empty building. People who receive way less appreciation than they deserve. They are the heart and soul of this place.

  I cautiously weave myself through the parking lot while the crutches wobble and dig into my armpits causing a stabbing pain. I’d prefer to hop on one foot if I didn’t have to use these godforsaken crutches.

  “I bet you miss me carrying you around,” Ryan mocks me, leaning against the car waiting for me to catch up to him.

  “You have no idea,” I huff.

  Ryan carries me up the steps to my apartment while holding my crutches in one hand. How he managed to juggle the crutches and me, I’ll never know. He must have super powers.

  He left me alone in my apartment, but not before informing me he'd be back in a couple of hours to take me to a meeting. I am utterly grateful for that even if I didn’t say thank you. After this weekend, I need to hear the stories. The stories that scare the shit out of you, making you never want to take a drink or do a line again. The fear helps me stay away. So tonight, I will listen to every story.

  I fish out the note Caroline gave me from my pocket. I unfold the paper and read it.

  I know the message was for you by the look on your face. I’m glad it reached the right person. Check his email. He said he left something there for you. I don’t know who the guy was you were with, but Grayson would want you to move on. You're stronger than you think you are. -Caroline

  I rush to my laptop as fast as the freaking crutches allow me. I crash on my bed and throw open the screen. I open Gmail, but I stall. Do I want to see what he has to say? I know I do, but it’s only going to break me. No matter what it is, I know I will be an emotional wreck. I won’t be able to pull myself together before Ryan comes looking for me. Better yet, it will only add to the desire to drink that is already flowing through me. Flowing faster than I would like.

  I flop down on my bed and let out a loud sigh. Closing my eyes, I drop my hand over my forehead. I can’t do this. I want to know what’s in his email, but if it’s something that’s going to hurt me, I won’t be able to stand it. I won’t just break down in a fit of tears, I will relapse.

  And, I won’t allow myself to do that. Ever.

  Ryan never comes knocking on my door. We should have left five minutes ago, so I maneuver myself out of my apartment and slowly hobble down the stairs. I knock on his door several times, but he doesn’t answer. I press my ear to the door, and I hear nothing. Did he forget about me?

  I wait around by his door a few more minutes, but he never shows.

  There’s no way I can make it to the meeting by myself on these damn crutches. It’s a ten-minute walk when I’m not injured, so it would take me twice as long to get there.

  I hobble back over to the staircase, and just as I make it up the first step, I hear my name yelled from behind me.

  “Avery!” Ryan shouts as he runs toward me.

  Stepping down, I wait for him to reach me.

  “Sorry, I’m late,” he says, catching his breath.

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah. Come on; let’s get going. We’re going to be late.”

  We arrive at the meeting ten minutes late, so we sit in the back in the safety of my isolated corner.

  I listen to every word. The meeting feeds me everything I needed to hear. Even though I know I shouldn’t cave to my addiction, it becomes hard to stay focused on that when your mind tells you need it. Hearing strangers tell their stories makes the damn voice in my head a little quieter.

  When Rachel begins passing out chips, my mind reels trying to figure out why Ryan was late. Where had he been? Was he picking up his dad from another bar? I may not open up to him, but he doesn’t open up to me either. I know my situation is different, but if we are going to be friends, or more than friends, shouldn’t I know him more than I do? On the other hand, what the hell am I doing? Do I really want to get involved with another man at this point in my life? Grayson hasn’t been gone that long. Besides that, Ryan's my sponsor. What would happen if things between us didn’t work out? I would lose the one person who stuck with me through my addiction. But, I also could argue that he might be the best thing to ever happen to me.

  My heart pounds in my chest. The fact that I had a thought about another man being better for me than Grayson gives me anxiety. How could I ever replace him? I feel terrible for the thought even crossing my mind.

  Ryan speaks from the middle of the room. Wait...when did he get there?

  “Tonight is a huge accomplishment for a very special woman I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know.” His eyes meet mine from across the room. He flashes a smile causing a slight grin to pull at my lips. “Not only have I helped her through her struggles of addiction, but she has also helped me. We’ve both found someone to confide in and to help us through our life’s journey. While I haven’t known her long, I know she’s going to make it through this. I know she’ll pull through her addiction. She has a perseverance I’ve never seen before and an even more beautiful spirit.” Bending over, he picks up a chip and holds it up for everyone to see. “I am honored to bestow upon Avery her one month of sobriety chip.” He gestures for me to join him in the middle of the room where he’s standing.

  I nervously bite my lip and awkwardly make my way to him, feeling slightly embarrassed for all the eyes on me. Weaving through the people on my crutches, I reach Ryan, and he pulls me into his side.

  “Congratulations, Avery. You’ve made it so far already, and I can’t wait to see you through to the end.”

  He wraps me in a hug and squeezes me as if I’m about to run away. He kisses the side of my head before letting go, and that’s when I register that the rest of the room is clapping. Ryan places the chip in my hand, and I can’t help the smile that breaks across my face. Tears form in my eyes, but I don’t dare let them fall. Happy tears. I compose myself enough to let out a quick thank you before scurrying off to my seat.

  After the meeting, people stop to tell me congratulations, and I have to say it is an amazing feeling. I know I have the support of every person in this room, but the only person’s support that matters is the man sitting next to me.

  Once the room has cleared, I stare in awe at Ryan. I had no idea he was going to pull that tonight. I actually didn’t know it had been a whole month. I should have, but I’ve had so many other things on my mind that it didn’t register.

  I study his gorgeous face and get lost in the depths of his hazel eyes. I stare at him longer than what would be considered acceptable, but I can’t help it. The heat of his hand la
nding on my thigh breaks my trance long enough for me to say something.

  “Thank you.” Well that was lame. He says amazing things about me, and that’s all I can manage?

  “I meant every word,” he says sincerely while brushing hair out of my face.

  In that moment, I don’t think. I do what my body is telling me to. I give in to temptation, not sure what it means. I lean forward and seal my lips to his. Placing my hand on his jaw, I deepen the kiss as our tongues tangle. Kissing Ryan is an experience I never could have imagined. His kiss is full of hopes and dreams. Things I can’t ever be sure will come true, but I can sure as hell enjoy it while it lasts. Our lips meld as one effortlessly as if they’ve known each other for years. Slowing down the kiss, I break away from him but keep my eyes closed. I inhale deeply and open my eyes when I exhale.

  Ryan looks at me with an unreadable expression. He blinks several times before a smile emerges on his face. Standing, he takes my hands and helps me from my chair. He hands me my crutches and places his hands on my hips to balance me. Once I’m situated, he catches me off guard by placing a quick kiss to my lips before guiding us out of the building.

  I watch him walk out in front of me, and I can’t help but to stare at his ass the whole way to the car.

  Guilty.

  FOURTEEN

  Two long weeks with crutches finally pass. It’s amazing to walk around on my own without depending on something to keep me from falling flat on my face. Although, I will miss all the opportunities it afforded me to have Ryan’s hands on me.

  I shake my head to clear the inappropriate thoughts swimming to the surface. I can’t think of him as anything other than a friend. For now.

  I'm pretty sure that ship has sailed though. I'm being delusional.

  I need to overcome my addiction before all else. And, I don’t just mean the alcohol and drugs.

  I’ve had a lot of time on my hands to think since my one month of sobriety. Since getting around proved difficult with those damn crutches, I spent a lot of time at home. In my own head. Which can only prove to be a bad thing.

  Grayson. He was an addiction.

  I loved him with everything I had. I believed he was my other half. The kind, caring, and level-headed half to make up for all of my flaws. I was wrong. He was all of those things and so much more, but he wasn’t my other half. He was meant for someone else. Someone better than me. If he really had been, I would have been a better person with him and had more self-discipline with my drinking.

  I’m a firm believer that I’m to blame for all the drinking and drug use. I could have made the decision to stop. Unfortunately, I didn’t want to stop. The high made me feel as if nothing could touch me. I was invincible.

  If Grayson had been my other half, he would’ve made me feel that way not the alcohol. As awful as that sounds, it’s the truth.

  All along, I think we were made to be friends, but I used him as my crutch instead of letting him flourish on his own. Look where that got him. Maybe if we had let go of each other sooner, he would still be here. Maybe he would be living his own fairytale or even just living out the mundane day to day life with a nine to five job. Anything would be better than not having him on this earth.

  I brush my hair from my face and push all those thoughts out of my mind. There’s no point of thinking about what his life might have been because all it will do is drive me to the one thing I’m trying so hard to quit.

  I drag myself off the couch and throw on my tennis shoes. I have to get out of here before I drive myself crazy.

  I grab my keys off the kitchen counter and throw open the door. After trying three times to lock it, I succeed and run down the stairs, reveling in the fact that it no longer takes me five minutes to make it to the bottom.

  I continuously knock on Ryan’s door until it flies open.

  “Impatient much?” he questions while pulling his black t-shirt over his head.

  My wandering eyes betray me, but his voice brings them back to his stunning face.

  “Something wrong?”

  “How could anything be wrong? Well, don’t you see? I’m not on crutches, and there is a beautiful day we are both missing by being trapped inside the dark holes of our apartments.” I twirl around and point at the sun shining a direct path to his doorway. “Won’t you come and experience this wonderful day that has graced us with its presence?” I smile brightly at him.

  “Something is definitely wrong with you. Since when are you so bright and cheery?” He shoves his feet into his tennis shoes sitting by his door.

  “Since right now. Come on,” I grab his hand and tug him outside. “I’ll let you torture me by hiking up that damn mountain. The day is too gorgeous to let it waste away.”

  To my dismay, he pulls his hand away from me. “Really?”

  “Yes, really.”

  “Why?”

  The smile on my face falters ever so slightly, and I see the recognition in his eyes. “I need the distraction,” I say weakly.

  He nods, not needing any more of a reason. “Let me grab a few things before we go.” He disappears into his apartment as I wait, wondering what the hell he’s doing.

  After several minutes, I lean against the apartment building where the wood sticks into the back of my arms. It’s uncomfortable, but I’ll gladly focus on the pain as opposed to where my mind has drifted.

  It’s funny how my mind can switch in mere seconds from vibrant and happy to upset over the direction my life has taken. I lightly rest my head on the prickly building and close my eyes. Several deep breaths later, a warm hand lands on my cheek.

  Ryan. He’s always bringing me back from my own personal hell. A savior. The light in my darkest thoughts.

  But really, the darkest thoughts are of Grayson. For reasons many can’t understand, I blame myself. Yeah okay, I wasn’t driving the car. I didn’t cause him to wreck. I wasn’t even near him for crying out loud. But that’s the problem. I wasn’t near him. I wasn’t with him. If we had been together, he would still be here, but I couldn’t give up my addiction. The addiction caused our break up, and the break up caused him to wreck. Yeah, the mind of a woman, where we can blame anyone for anything if we have enough time to think of an absurd connection.

  Ryan places a light kiss on my temple and pulls away. “Let’s get going. As you said, we don’t want to waste this beautiful day.” He takes my hand in his and drags me behind him all the way to his car.

  And while I can’t forget the thoughts swirling through my mind, I can push them away to enjoy this fleeting moment of happiness.

  “Ugh, I don’t know why I voluntarily agreed to this torture.”

  Ryan stops at the top of the mountain twenty feet ahead of me and yells, “What do you mean agreed? This was your idea.”

  I groan, “I was trying to get you to hang out with me.” I plant my feet on the ground and throw my hands over my head. “I must’ve blocked out how awful this was the last time you forced me here.”

  “Oh, don’t be a baby.” He takes off his backpack and places it at his feet. He pulls out a full bottle of water, and I realize how dehydrated I am. “Just a couple more measly steps, and you’ll be at the top. I’ll give you this whole bottle of water that I know you’re dying for.” He taunts me by waving the bottle around completely out of my reach.

  I muster up my strength and take the last steps in giant leaps, getting to the top in half the time. I swiftly grab the bottle and down half of the icy cold water before taking a breath.

  “I’ve got my own water, thanks,” Ryan murmurs under his breath.

  “Good because I wouldn't have given you any even if you had asked.” I stick out my tongue and down the rest of the water.

  I walk over to a patch of grass and plop down, letting my whole body collapse, not caring how dirty I get.

  “I. Hate. You,” I exaggerate.

  “You’ll be fine.” He sits down next to me and pats my arm.

  We sit together in silence, both of us
enjoying the fruits of our labor, so to speak. My breathing slows back to normal as I lay on the dirt with my eyes closed. Birds chirp above us, and if I listen closely enough, I can hear the water below us as the waves crash into the rocks and smell the salt water in the air. It’s a calming environment that I lose myself in. I let go of everything. All my worries, all my fears, and all my regrets. Everything goes out the window as I listen to my surroundings and let them carry me away. Nature. It’s a beautiful thing to get lost in.

  I get so lost that when Ryan speaks it startles me.

  “Tell me what happened, Avery.”

  “What are you talking about?” I ask, confused.

  “Today. What made you need to get out?” He shifts on the ground, I’m assuming to move closer to me, but I refuse to open my eyes and look at him. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you did. That’s what I’m here for. I’m here to be the person you need to lean on, the shoulder to cry on, or the one to tell all your doubts to. I won’t judge you for a single thing you say or do. I’m here…always. I need you to trust me. To open up to me a little more.”

  For as much as Ryan has done for me, I owe him what he’s asking for.

  “My boyfriend died,” I whisper with my eyes closed.

  “I’m so sorry.” He gently runs his hand up and down my arm. “What happened?”

  “Car accident.” I inhale a deep breath of fresh air to give myself the strength to keep talking. Possibly, I’ll feel better when I tell someone else. “A drunk driving accident. How fitting is that?” I scoff. “I’m an alcoholic, and my boyfriend dies from a drunk driving accident.” I cover my eyes, even though they’re closed, to block out any light that could make its way into my undeserving body.

  “Were you…” he trails off, attempting to ask any number of the questions that any sane person would want to know the answers to.