Hearts of England

by Anthology

  "Well, is he coming home?" Neil demanded.

  "He's thinking about it. He sounds pretty trashed."

  "Oh, for fuck's sake. Where is he?" Neil hunted around for his trainers.

  "At the Mog."

  "I'll go and get him." Neil stood, looking around for his keys.

  Alex nodded. "I'll go with you."

  "No, you won't. You can stay here. I won't be long."

  "Fuck that," Alex said. "I started the mess. You'll just make it worse."

  Neil looked at him. Alex was right. He wasn't good at sorting out arguments. Normally he just hid until Baz calmed down. "Okay, but Alex…?"

  "Yeah?"

  "Don't fucking swear again. You understand?"

  Alex gave him a cheeky grin. "Yeah, I get it. Now come on, before he thinks too much and heads for somewhere else."

  Neil drove down to the Marquis of Granby, and was pleased to find a space in the car park. The pub wasn't that busy, and it didn't take long to find Baz sitting at a small table with a half-empty bottle in front of him.

  Alex sat in the chair opposite Baz, leaving Neil no option but to sit next to Baz. Neil could tell Baz knew they were there by the way he stiffened, but he didn't move.

  "Baz?" Neil laid his hand on Baz's thigh. "Why don't you come home?"

  "Don't have a home." Alex was right. Baz had been drinking heavily.

  "Don't talk rubbish, Baz," Alex said brusquely.

  Neil was proud of his son for being so mature―and not adding a swear word.

  "S'true," Baz slurred. "You two have each other. I don't have anyone."

  Alex rolled his eyes at Neil. "Okay, that's it, Dr Miserable. It's time to come home before you make a total twat of yourself."

  "Come on." Neil tugged on Baz's arm, pleased when the man moved without any more arguments.

  Neil stood on one side of Baz and got Alex to flank the other. Baz swayed for a minute before he found his feet.

  "God, you're an idiot," Neil sighed as he guided Baz out of the pub and towards the car.

  "My car," Baz mumbled.

  "You're not going anywhere near it," Neil said, "and don't even think about saying you're going to drive it, Alex."

  Alex poked his tongue out but he helped Neil get Baz into the car. "Are you going to puke?" he asked as Baz sat back with his eyes closed. "That's a yes then."

  "I'll open the window. You sit behind him and aim his head the right way if he chucks up." Neil got into the driver's side and looked at his husband. "Aim left, okay?" He took Baz's groan as a yes.

  More by luck than judgement, Baz managed to avoid being sick until Neil had parked him by the toilet with instructions not to spray the floor. Neil headed to the kitchen to get a glass of water. He grimaced at the sound of Baz retching.

  Alex looked up as Neil walked into the kitchen. "How is he?"

  "Ask me again when he's stopped puking his insides out." Neil took a glass from the cupboard, and filled it to the brim with tap water. "I just hope he aimed into the john."

  "I'm not clearing it up if he hasn't." Alex's voice was muffled as he hunted through the fridge.

  "I should make you considering he had to clear up after you two weeks ago."

  "I was ill," Alex protested around a mouthful of cheese.

  "You were pissed on lager," Neil said.

  "Underage, remember?"

  "Not stupid, remember? You reeked of booze."

  "Yeah, well, Tony had just been dumped. He needed some company."

  "You're too young to be drowning his sorrows in lager," Neil snapped. "Next time listen to Nirvana."

  Alex pulled a disgusted face. "Nothing's that bad. Perhaps you should give that advice to Baz."

  "I'll tell him when he stops puking. In the meantime stop stuffing your face and go to bed."

  "It's too…" Alex looked up at the clock. "Shit, it's eleven."

  "Yep. And before you say it, I know it's not a school night but just go to bed, okay? I'm going to have my hands full with a hung-over, miserable husband."

  For once Alex didn't argue. "I'm sorry I caused the argument."

  Neil shook his head. "You were right. I jumped the gun as usual." He ran his hands through his hair―not thinning, no, not thinning. "Maybe I was looking for an excuse not to go."

  Alex nodded as if he understood, which was a damned sight more than Neil did. "I'll see you in the morning. Call me if you need me to move him."

  "Yeah."

  After Alex had shut his door, Neil went looking for Baz, who was exactly where Neil expected to find him, wrapped around the toilet, fast asleep. Neil wrinkled his nose at the acrid smell of vomit, but by a miracle Baz had managed to aim into the bowl. He knelt beside the sleeping man and tugged at his arms.

  "Come on, you. Let's get you into bed."

  Baz grumbled incoherently in his sleep, clinging onto the toilet like it was his blankie.

  "I know, baby. But you don't want to sleep here. Come on." Neil tugged insistently, waking Baz enough to get him on his feet and pushing him down onto the toilet. "Clean your teeth." He handed Baz his toothbrush.

  That provoked another grumble but Baz did as he was told. Once Baz had spat the toothpaste out and rinsed his mouth, Neil cupped his face, washing it gently with the flannel. Baz smiled as his eyes closed again, turning his head to press a kiss into Neil's palm.

  "Don't you go to sleep," Neil said. He was taken aback when Baz opened his eyes suddenly, taking a moment to focus on his husband. They were grey in the stark light of the bathroom.

  "You don't love me anymore," Baz slurred.

  "You're talking bollocks," Neil said firmly.

  Apparently that was enough for the doctor. He closed his eyes again and, for all intents and purposes, fell asleep.

  Wishing he had asked Alex for help, Neil managed to get Baz to the bedroom by dint of a lot of encouragement and brute force. Wrestling Baz's clothes off was not so easy. Baz was as cooperative as a limp noodle.

  "You owe me for this," Neil growled under his breath as he finally pulled off Baz's boxers and unceremoniously shoved him under the duvet. "Don't you dare chuck up in the bed."

  Neil decided to take Baz's huff as a sign of agreement, but he fetched a bucket which he placed as close to Baz's head as possible. By the time he'd put paracetamol and a glass of water on the bedside table, Neil was more than ready to collapse into bed. Briefly he thought about sleeping in the spare room, but the uncertainty was eating away at him and he needed to be near Baz in case it was the last time. When Baz rolled into his arms and sighed contently, Neil knew the decision had been the right one. He could cope with the lingering smell of vomit if he still had Baz's warm body nestled into his.

  Chapter 5

  The alarm went off and Neil ducked, but no arm flew over his head to smack the hapless clock. Neil reached out to switch it off and cracked open one eye to look at his husband. Baz was lying on his back, apparently not disturbed at all by the noise. As Neil watched, Baz scratched his belly, snorted and rolled over, one hand stretched out to where Neil should be. Neil saw the tension enter the muscles in Baz's back when he only found an empty space.

  "I'm here," Neil soothed, stroking the line of Baz's spine. "Are you going to work?"

  It took Baz a moment to answer. "Yeah."

  Neil waited to see if there was any more.

  "My head hurts and I think I'm going to be sick."

  "Go back to sleep. You don't have surgery this morning. I'll call Marilyn. She can find someone to cover you for the emergency clinic this afternoon. "

  Baz sighed into the sheets. "She's goin' to kill me."

  "Yep." The practice manager would have Baz's guts for garters, but tough shit. Baz worked twice as hard as some of the other doctors. He deserved to have a day off to recover from his hangover.

  As Baz didn't move again, Neil took it as assent. Bending down to kiss Baz on the forehead, Neil reached over him to get his mobile phone. A minute later he was listening to the brusque tone of
the practice manager greet him.

  "Marilyn, it's Neil, Baz's… Dr Lee's husband."

  On cue Baz groaned loudly.

  "Was that the doctor? What's the matter with him?"

  Neil mentally ran through a list of things that could possibly be wrong with Baz but in the end decided to stick with the truth. "It's self-inflicted I'm afraid. Heavy night last night."

  He heard Marilyn sigh impatiently.

  "Oh, for heaven's sake. Could he not have waited two more days to celebrate? Now I've got to find cover for the emergency clinic. Can't you sober him up or something?"

  "He'll be in tomorrow," Neil said. "Sorry, he needs me. Goodbye." He disconnected the call hastily before she could try and guilt trip Baz by proxy. Marilyn was notorious for persuading the spouse that the doctor was really well enough to come in.

  "Coward," Baz muttered into the sheets.

  Neil raised an eyebrow which was completely wasted on Baz who hadn't bothered opening his eyes. "Do you want to ring her back?" There was silence. "Thought not." He patted Baz's rump. "Go back to sleep."

  "We need to talk," Baz mumbled.

  "Yep but when you can actually hold a conversation without needing to barf."

  "I hate you."

  "Yeah, yeah." Neil covered Baz with the duvet and closed the bedroom door lightly, hoping Baz wasn't speaking the truth because that would break his heart.

  As Alex wasn't going to school and Baz was indisposed, Neil retired to his office to work for a couple of hours. When he eventually ventured out for coffee, Neil was surprised to find Alex slumped at the kitchen table, still only in his dressing gown and playing with his phone.

  "I didn't expect to see you up before twelve."

  Alex didn't bother to look up from his phone. "Morning to you too. I'm going out with Charlie and George. Won't be back 'til late."

  "Do you want dinner?" Neil asked as he headed for the coffee machine.

  "I'll get something out."

  Neil resisted the temptation to beg his son to stay and act as mediator. He turned around to see Alex staring at him. "What?" he asked.

  "Have you spoken to Baz yet?"

  "I couldn't compete with his hangover. I thought I'd wait until later when he turns back into a human being."

  The glug glug of the coffee machine seemed extra loud in the kitchen as Neil waited for Alex to say what he actually meant.

  Alex chewed on his bottom lip. "You don't really want to split up, do you?"

  "It's not splitting up. Baz would just be working in another country for a year."

  "But…"

  Neil waited patiently even though he thought he had a good idea of what Alex actually wanted to say.

  "Don't you love him anymore?"

  That hurt Neil more than he could say because it was so blatantly not true. With Alex, Baz was his world. The thought that he didn't love his husband was just too much to contemplate. "You know I love him."

  "Then why do you want to stay here?"

  Neil hesitated before he replied, pouring his coffee out to give himself time to think. He sat opposite his son and tried to smile reassuringly. From the look on Alex's face he wasn't very successful.

  "Sometimes what is right for one person may not be right for the rest of the family," he started. Alex just looked confused. Neil knew just how he felt. "You should finish your exams and then take a gap year."

  "I'm still going to school," Alex pointed out. "It's not like I'm dossing around for a year."

  "But is it right to drag you away now?"

  Alex looked at him shrewdly. "Is this about me, or more about you?"

  Neil opened his mouth, and shut it again.

  "Why didn't you tell me you were having second thoughts?" Baz asked hoarsely.

  Neil looked over to see Baz slumped against the doorframe, looking wrecked. His t-shirt was inside out, and if Neil wasn't mistaken, his boxers were on back to front.

  "I'm going to leave you two to sort this out," Alex said, and surprised Neil by giving them both a hug as he left the kitchen.

  "Why didn't you tell me you didn't want to go?" Baz repeated when Alex had shut the door to his room.

  "Because… because I didn't really know myself until today. And it's not that I don't want to go. It's just that I'm scared, okay? It's a damn big upheaval for us all. You'll be working, Alex will be at school, and I'll be stuck at home in a place I don't know."

  "Like you are now," Baz pointed out. He left the support of the doorframe, only staggering slightly as he sat down at the kitchen table.

  "Yeah, but it's different. This is my home. I know people here. I've got friends and family at the end of the telephone. In South Africa I won't know anyone."

  "So what are you really saying, Neil? You're worried about being homesick?" Baz swallowed hard a couple of times as if he was fighting back nausea.

  Neil got up to fetch him another glass of water. "Here. Maybe. I know it sounds stupid. I'm sorry. I should have kept my mouth shut."

  Baz drained the glass before he spoke again, his voice less raspy. "I don't want you to be unhappy and I don't want to force you to come with me. You're my husband, not my servant. Of course I want you to be happy, but I've got to go, Neil. It's important to the clinic, and to my career."

  Neil nodded. He knew how crucial setting up the clinic was to the local community, and how vital Baz's input was. Hell, the whole project was his baby, and Baz had spent hours working on it.

  "And… I know I was unfair forcing you to choose between me and Alex." Baz reached out to curl his fingers around Neil's hand. "He's your son, and you have to put him first,"

  Neil could feel the desperation in his touch. He looked at their joined hands. "I've never had to choose before. In the whole time we've been together we've been a perfect fit." A thought suddenly struck him. "Have you had to compromise that much since we've been together?"

  "Never. Well, maybe once or twice. But never so much that I thought of leaving you. At first I thought being with a full-time parent would be hell, but we've been so lucky. I've been lucky. Alex is an amazing kid and you've everything I ever wanted." Baz held Neil's hand even tighter. "I won't make you come if you don't want to. You can stay here and Alex can do his A-levels with his friends."

  Neil looked away, unable to cope with the pain in Baz's eyes. "If you go, you won't leave me for good? You'll come back to me?" he asked, his pulse pounding in his ears as he waited for Baz's answer.

  Baz was on his knees at Neil's feet before Neil had time to breathe. "I promise I'll come back to you. It's only a year, and I'll get some time off. I can fly back a couple of times, and you could visit me."

  "You would do that for me?" Neil was overwhelmed. He was about to reply when his phone beeped, indicating a text. He was going to ignore it but then it beeped again… and again.

  Baz smiled shakily. "I think someone wants your attention."

  "I'm sorry." Neil took his phone out of his pocket and read the texts, expecting to see messages from his boss. Neil was convinced she hadn't remembered he was leaving.

  I'm going if ur not

  Stop being a wanka

  U can go 2 bingo or sumfink

  Now it was Neil's turn to laugh shakily. He handed the phone to Baz who read the screen and looked up hopefully.

  "Well?" Baz asked.

  "I don't know if it's the right thing to do," Neil admitted, watching Baz's face fall, "but the thought of being without you to wake up to for three hundred and sixty five days is more than I can handle."

  The sudden hope in Baz's eyes was almost too much to look at. "You mean you'll come with me?"

  "Yes." Neil nodded in case Baz hadn't understood. "Yes, I will come with you."

  "Thank fuck for that," Alex said.

  Neil didn't bother to look over to his son who had obviously decided to hear his father's decision for himself. "Stop swearing and go away," he said, "or you'll be scarred for life."

  "As if I'm not already," Alex grumbled.
"Living with you two is like EastEnders on a bad day."

  "Yeah, yeah… oomf!"

  And that was all Neil managed because Baz decided to take matters into his own hands and launch himself at Neil. With Baz's mouth plastered on his and a warm body pressed up against him, Neil really didn't care at that point what Alex decided to do.

  "Oh, for fuck's sake, you two are… I'm going out. Don't wait up."

  Neil managed to wave at his son with one hand, the other being used to hold Baz as close as he could, because he wasn't letting go of his husband anytime soon. He really hoped Alex was out of the house because he discovered the advantage to Baz's wardrobe mishaps and slid his hand in the slit of Baz's boxers to cup his arse. From the murmur into his mouth, Baz didn't have any complaints either. Baz was too busy trying to devour his mouth to really pay attention to what Neil was doing with his fingers. The kiss was bruising and almost painful, but Baz wouldn't let Neil move an inch.

  Without breaking their kiss, Neil pulled Baz up so that he was straddling Neil's lap. Baz burrowed into him, desperation shown in the way he was clinging to Neil, his fingers bruising Neil's biceps. Neil tangled one hand in Baz's hair as they kissed each other, the other stroking his lower back. It took a while but Baz eventually relaxed, allowing the kiss to gentle, his lips soft and tongue sweeping lazy strokes over Neil's.

  Eventually Baz pulled back to rest his forehead against Neil's, his hands cupping Neil's face. "Please tell me you're not going to change your mind again. I don't think I could bear another twenty-four hours like this one."

  The noise that ripped from Neil's throat was a sob but he couldn't hold it back. "I'm sorry for being so stupid."

  Baz held him even tighter. "You should have told me you were having second thoughts. I love you, for Christ's sake. I would have listened. You are my life."

  Neil pulled away to rub at his eyes. "Would you have listened? You've been so bloody excited about the whole thing."

  "Don't. Don't make this issue about me. You've had plenty of time to tell me what was on your mind. I expected it from Alex but you were as excited as I was." Baz's voice took on an edge that Neil wanted to avert.