Lily's List

by N. J. Walters

  “I liked those on you.” He leaned against the jamb of the bathroom door and watched her.

  She smiled ruefully at him. “They look great, but they were getting a bit uncomfortable. They’re heavy.”

  He pushed away from the door but didn’t come back to bed right away. He detoured past the stereo and turned it off, plunging the room into silence. The candlelight flickered over his broad chest and shoulders. He looked like some pagan god with his bronze skin and rippling muscles.

  He was still semi-aroused. An answering tingle began deep inside her. She shivered when he knelt on the bed beside her.

  “Let me see.” He lifted her right wrist and made a low murmur of sympathy. The jeweled cuff had left indentations on her skin. He kissed a path all the way around. He did the other wrist as well, flicking his tongue over the marks.

  But he wasn’t done. Carson kissed a path up her arm, leaving her breathless. He nuzzled her neck and licked the abraded skin there. Lily trembled and her nipples puckered. He caught the lobe of her ear in his teeth and sucked.

  “Carson,” she gasped as he moved to her other ear.

  “Hmm,” he replied, continuing to nibble her earlobe.

  “Nothing.” She forgot what she’d wanted to say. Shivers of pleasure skated up and down her spine. Threading her fingers through his hair, she held him to her.

  He’d felt her shiver and lifted his head away from her. “Let’s get you tucked into bed.” He pulled back the covers and scooted her beneath the sheets before joining her there.

  Lily settled into the curve of his body, nestling her head against his chest. It was a position she loved and one she’d become accustomed to in the past few weeks. She fit against him perfectly. Sighing, she relaxed. Her body was humming with a low-level arousal, but she felt totally sated and at ease.

  The moment shattered when Carson spoke. “Now we talk.”

  Chapter Eleven

  Lily’s relaxed mood evaporated. She’d known this reckoning was coming, but she’d hoped to put it off a bit longer. Not knowing what the outcome of their conversation would be, she wanted to bask in the warmth and comfort of Carson’s arms a little longer.

  But that time had passed. She pushed herself upright, leaned against the headboard and tugged the covers tight around her. Whatever happened, she would have no regrets. She started to speak, but he held up his hand to stop her.

  “Let me have my say first. Please,” he added. She nodded and pulled her knees up to her chest. She hated the uncertainty. It was such a contrast from the confidence she’d felt earlier.

  Carson propped himself up next to her. The covers bunched around his waist, leaving his chest bare. He shoved his hair out of his face and sighed. “I know this started with me telling you I’d help you with your research.” His mouth firmed, his lips pressing together. “The infamous list.”

  Her stomach muscles tightened. He didn’t sound happy—not at all like a man who’d just made love. Was he about to tell her it was over between them now that the list was all but done?

  He gave a rough laugh and shook his head. “The list was just an excuse, the opening I’d been waiting for.”

  She sat up straighter. What did he mean by that?

  He twisted around so that he was facing her. “Lily.” He reached out and cupped the side of her face. “I’ve spent years wanting you.”

  She could feel her jaw dropping. He must have seen the amazement in her eyes because he gave her a rueful smile and shrugged. “It’s true. I’ve wanted you for years, but you wear a ‘keep away’ sign around you that’s hard to miss. I understood that you had a bad marriage and that you had a kid to raise, but I still wanted you. I told myself that I had to respect the fact that you weren’t ready to date.” He shook his head. “I went out with other women, but . . .” He sighed and gently rubbed his thumb over her cheek before dropping it. “None of them were you.”

  “I don’t know what to say.” To say she was shocked was an understatement. He’d been interested in her for years! How was that possible? How had she not known? It was almost too much to take in.

  “There’s nothing to say.” Carson rolled out of bed, grabbed his underwear and tugged them on. Her heart fell when he started to dress. He obviously wasn’t planning on sticking around.

  “I used the list as an excuse to finally get close to you. I knew I’d never get another chance like it.” Lily was totally confused. He’d wanted her and used the list as an excuse to get closer. Did that mean he no longer wanted her now that he’d had her?

  He pulled on his jeans and zipped them before reaching for his shirt. “I shouldn’t have done it.”

  Lily was riding an emotional roller coaster, up one second and down the next. He’d just finished telling her he’d wanted her for years. Was he now saying he was sorry for using the list to get close to her?

  He had her totally confused. “I don’t understand. You shouldn’t have done what?” She wanted him to spell it all out for her, needed to know exactly what he was thinking, for better or worse.

  He sat on the side of the bed and put on his socks and boots. She was afraid he was going to leave without answering her. When he’d tied his last lace, he looked at her and she was shocked by the sadness in his eyes. “I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you like that.” His lips firmed again. “But I’m not sorry about what happened between us. You’re an amazing woman, Lily. Being with you these past two weeks has only solidified everything I already knew about you.”

  This was beginning to sound like good-bye to Lily and she didn’t like it. Not one bit. It was time for her to take a stand. She opened her mouth to speak, but he forestalled her by kissing her. His mouth was warm and firm against hers, and by the time he pulled away she was breathless.

  “I want more from you, Lily. I want more than you can probably even imagine.” He stood, looming over the bed. “I want the right to claim you in public. I want to sleep alongside you every night. I want the world to know that you belong to me.” He paused and Lily stared up at him, rendered momentarily speechless by his declaration.

  “I know you’re probably still not ready for a relationship and that I shouldn’t be demanding things from you, but I don’t care. I’ve waited long enough. I’ve wanted you long enough.” His appearance was fierce in the flickering candlelight, highlighting his square jaw and the determination etched on his face.

  “The past two weeks have been the best and the worst of my life. Being with you has been incredible, but not being acknowledged by you in public and not being able to claim you as mine has been hell.” He raked his fingers through his hair. “I can’t live like this, Lily. It’s wrong and it’s killing me.”

  She reached out to him, wanting to ease his pain, but he backed away from her until he was standing in the doorway. His voice was low and filled with pain. “This relationship has been wrong from the start. I should never have pushed you to let me help you with your research or the list. That’s not what I want.”

  “What do you want?” Her mind was spinning with what he was saying.

  “What do I want?” He wrapped his hand around the doorjamb and from the bed she could see that his knuckles were white. “I want what I probably can’t have. I want a relationship with you based on love and mutual respect, one that we acknowledge in public. I want to go on normal dates and spend holidays together. I want you to walk beside me for the rest of my life. I want you to marry me, Lily.”

  Lily was stunned speechless. Marriage had never even crossed her mind.

  He stared at her, his expression getting more closed by the second. “Say something.”

  She opened her mouth and closed it again, too much in shock to say anything. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Her brain was scrambled as his words started to sink in.

  “That’s what I thought.” He gave her a sad smile. “It’s up to you now. You know where to find me.” He left quickly, his boots pounding heavily on the stairs.

  L
ily shook herself. Had he just proposed to her? Scrambling out of bed, she hurried after him. “Carson!” She scooped up her robe, dragging it on as she hurried after him. The back door slammed and she quickened her pace. She reached the kitchen door and flung it open, but it was too late. He was gone.

  As she stared out into the darkness, her temper flared. “How dare he say something like that and just walk away?” She slammed the door but it didn’t make her feel any better. What the heck had just happened?

  Slumping down into a chair at the table, she belted her robe. Her mind was still reeling with the fact that he’d wanted her for several years. The things he’d said to her had made her heart ache. She’d never had a man want her so much or be willing to lay his soul bare in front of her.

  Could she do any less?

  It was up to her what happened next. He’d said so, and she knew if she didn’t approach him they’d revert back to the relationship they’d had before, seeing each other occasionally as nothing more than pleasant acquaintances.

  That would probably be the smart thing to do, the sensible thing. But Lily no longer felt sensible. She’d had a taste of something more and she liked it. She’d lived the better part of her life without taking risks in her personal life. She’d justified her caution because she’d had a bad divorce and a child to rear.

  Well, her divorce was years in the past and she was a grown woman, not a girl any longer. And as for her child, Ethan was a man now with a life of his own. If she didn’t reach out for what she wanted she would regret it for the rest of her life.

  She and Carson would have problems, but every couple had them. Take tonight, for example. He’d taken her completely off guard with his confession of wanting her for years and his talk of marriage and hadn’t given her time to have her say. He’d walked away before she could marshal her thoughts. That would have to change.

  Keeping herself aloof all these years hadn’t stopped her from having her fair share of problems. They’d just been different ones is all.

  It was time to reach out and grab what she wanted and live with the consequences. No one was ever guaranteed a happily-ever-after, but if she didn’t try, she certainly wouldn’t have one. She realized that being with Carson the past two weeks had changed her irreparably. Two weeks ago she would have hesitated and probably talked herself out of going for it. Now she could no longer bury her head in the sand and pretend she was happy with her life the way it was. Not when she had a chance at having so much more.

  Determination fired her thoughts and her stomach chose that moment to growl. She was suddenly starving. Rising from the table, she strode to the refrigerator. Opening the door, she stared inside.

  A familiar white-and-red can stared back at her.

  Lily smiled.

  • • •

  Carson wanted to be swinging a pick, breaking up rock and sweating out his anger and frustration. Instead, he was standing outside Mike Sloan’s latest project, the downtown condominium, with landscaping quotes in his hand. Sometimes it sucked to be the boss.

  What had possessed him to give Lily an ultimatum last night? He’d clearly lost his mind. He should have kept things low-key and coaxed her into a relationship over the next few months. That’s what he would have done if he were smart. But he couldn’t go on any longer with things the way they were. It felt like a lie to be sneaking around so other people wouldn’t see them. There was nothing wrong with them being together. He certainly wasn’t ashamed to be seen with her. Unfortunately, he wasn’t sure she felt the same.

  And wasn’t that a blow to his ego.

  “Everything okay?”

  He hadn’t heard anyone coming up behind him and turned to face Mike. “Yeah. I’m fine.” He handed the sheaf of papers to his friend. “This is the quote for the job. I’ve broken it down into the outside landscaping, the indoor plants, the rooftop garden and the project as a whole, including costs and timelines. If you have any questions about any of it, just give me a call and we can discuss it.”

  Mike took the papers, scanning them briefly before tucking them under his arm. “I’m sure they’re fine. You know what I want. I’ll go over them and get back to you in a couple of days.”

  Carson nodded and squinted into the afternoon sun, wishing he hadn’t left his sunglasses in the truck. The leaves were changing color and the air was cool, but the sun was still bright in the sky. It was a beautiful day and he couldn’t bring himself to care. What was Lily doing now? Was she thinking about him or had she already relegated their relationship to the back of her mind?

  A heavy hand descended onto his shoulder. “You sure you’re okay, buddy? You haven’t been yourself for a couple of weeks now.”

  He appreciated Mike’s concern, but he just wasn’t ready to talk about things, and he couldn’t even if he was. He had promised to protect Lily’s privacy and he wouldn’t go back on his word. “I’m sure. Just some stuff going on that I have to work through.”

  Mike nodded and dropped his hand back to his side. “Good enough. If you want to grab a beer sometime and talk . . .” He let his offer hang.

  “Thanks, man. I appreciate it.” Not that he had any intention of taking him up on it, but it was good to be asked.

  A delivery truck rolled up the road, stopping at the curb. The driver got out and went around the side of the van and pulled the door open. Reaching in, he lifted out what looked like some kind of elaborate floral arrangement. The man glanced at the apartment building, which was obviously in the throes of major construction, and back at the sheet on his clipboard.

  Mike ambled over to the man. “Can I help you?”

  Curious, Carson was close behind him.

  “Yeah, I’m looking for Carson Granger. I was told I might find him here.”

  Carson’s eyes narrowed as he moved toward the man. “I’m Granger.”

  The man looked relieved. “Great. Just sign here.” He thrust the clipboard toward him and Carson signed. The man tucked his paperwork away and handed Carson the large floral arrangement. “There you go, buddy. Enjoy.”

  The driver got back into the van, pulling away quickly. Mike studied the arrangement. “The last time one of the guys got a floral arrangement at the work site it ended in marriage.”

  “Who was it?” Carson asked absently as he carried it over to the cab of his truck and laid it carefully on the metal bed.

  “Tucker. He and Emma had some kind of falling out so she sent him flowers.”

  Carson knew that this had to be from Lily. There was no one else who would send him such a thing. Carefully, he tugged away the paper wrapped protectively around the arrangement. A huge spray of flowers came into view, their delicate perfume wafting around him. They reminded him of her—beautiful, slightly exotic, yet amazingly resilient.

  “Those are lilies, aren’t they?” Mike hovered next to him, craning his neck for a better view.

  “Yeah, they are.” Carson pulled the remaining paper away and was rendered speechless.

  Mike whistled under his breath. “Whoever she is, you’re one lucky man.”

  Carson stared at the lacy red thong, silky black mask, the rhinestone-studded cuffs and the single rosebud that all lay in a satin-lined box at the base of the lilies. There was a card, so he plucked it up and opened it. A part of him was hopeful. The other part was afraid that this was a good-bye.

  I send you my namesake and these tokens because you already have my heart.

  He stared at the card, tracing the words with his finger.

  “What’s this?” Mike rooted around the base of the lilies and pulled out a can of some sort. He held it up and Carson began to laugh.

  “That, my friend, is none of your business.” He plucked the can of whipped cream out of Mike’s hand and tucked it safely with the other items.

  Mike laughed good-naturedly. “I guess this means we won’t be going out for a beer?”

  Carson picked up the flowers and gifts and carried them around to the driver’s side of his truc
k. He juggled them as he tugged the door open and then laid them carefully inside. “You guess right. I’m going to be busy tonight.” He climbed into his truck and pulled the door closed.

  “Good luck. Not that I think you’ll need it.” Mike stood next to the open window.

  “Thanks.” Carson closed his eyes for a minute, almost overcome with emotion.

  “Go and get your lady.” His friend’s voice was low and filled with understanding. Carson knew that Mike and Annabelle’s relationship had been rocky in the beginning. If anyone would understand what he was going through, it was Mike.

  He opened his eyes and turned the key in the ignition. “I plan to.” Mike gave him a quick salute and then Carson was driving away. He had one quick stop to make and then it was time to claim Lily.

  • • •

  Lily paced back and forth in her kitchen. Had he gotten her gift yet? Did he understand the significance? Sighing, she glanced at the clock. One minute later than the last time she’d checked. Maybe sending the can of whipped cream and all the other tokens hadn’t been such a great idea. Maybe she should have just gone and talked to him in person. It had seemed so romantic that she hadn’t thought it through. She’d just done it. A romantic impulse.

  Now she was left wondering and waiting. Surely he’d understand that by sending him all those things at his job site she was expressing her willingness to go public with their relationship. God, she hoped she hadn’t made a complete fool of herself.

  So what if she had? She had made up her mind, hadn’t she? She was going to grab her chance for happiness and see where the chips fell. Even if she had made an idiot of herself she’d survive. Maybe with a bruised heart and a blow to her self-esteem, but she’d survive.