by Carys Jones
Amanda watched Ewan laugh and play with his toy.
She’ll know it was me.
Back on the stairwell of the flats, how had Amanda not been quick enough to ask doesn’t she think you’re dead? Because clearly she didn’t. Clearly Evangeline always knew that one day her husband would return. It seemed that the key to his old home was just one of many secrets Jake had kept close all these years.
‘Can we?’
Amanda knocked her hair out of her eyes and looked down at Ewan. His attention was fully focused on her, his eyes wide and hopeful.
‘Can we what?’ She’d been lost in her own thoughts.
‘Go down to the beach?’ Ewan reached for her hand and tugged on it.
‘I…’ Amanda looked back over her shoulder. The cottage had already disappeared from view. She knew they really shouldn’t go any further. But she’d yet to hear the crack of a gunshot echo across the wilderness, so Shane and Jake must be tolerating one another peacefully. And she did want to see the ocean, to dip her toes in the water and feel a connection to home. ‘All right, but just for a little bit.’
Ewan was cheering in triumph as they picked their way down the narrow path which led them towards the beach.
*
It was a small beach and they were only having to share it with a few seagulls. A slender strip of sand was bordered by slick dark rocks which reached out into the sea.
‘Yay,’ Ewan was running through the sand, making directly for the water. Amanda chased after him, catching him just before he made contact with the ocean. ‘It’s so… big.’ He perched happily in her arms, looking out at the waves.
‘It’s huge,’ Amanda agreed. ‘If you went in and just kept swimming you’d reach Europe.’
‘Wow.’
He started to wriggle. He possessed an impressive amount of strength for such a small child. Something he must have inherited from his powerful father.
‘Go in, go in,’ he pleaded.
‘Okay but take your shoes off first, you don’t want them getting wet,’ Amanda instructed as she lowered him back down. Ewan instantly obeyed, tugging off the trainers and socks Amanda had carefully dressed him in earlier.
‘You come too.’ He was looking at her shoes.
‘Okay.’ Amanda freed her own feet and then approached the water. Ewan was waiting for her, one hand floating in the air. She clasped it and together they stepped towards an approaching wave whilst Woody waited along with their shoes in the dry sand back on the beach.
‘Ah, it’s cold!’ Ewan laughed with delight as the water pooled around his ankles and then drifted away again.
‘This time, let’s jump the wave. You ready?’
‘Ready.’
Amanda watched the white crest of a wave roll in. ‘One… two… three.’
They jumped and the wave reached out beneath them. Ewan was laughing and bouncing up and down, loving how the water splashed around him.
‘Again, again!’
And they jumped again. And again. Amanda felt like she was six years old, clutching the hand of her beloved father. He’d throw her a quick knowing grin and then tell her to jump. Together they’d bounce over the waves, and back then Amanda had thought that they were both invincible.
‘Again!’
Ewan was starting to bounce with less enthusiasm, his eyes becoming slightly bloodshot and his head drooping as fatigue began to take hold of him. But he kept wanting more, determined not to let the fun end.
‘Okay, once more.’
‘Amanda!’
The sound of her own name being bellowed caused her to freeze. Ewan’s hand was still tightly in her own as she turned around. Shane was racing across the beach towards her. Fear quickly swept away any remnants of fun with one foul swoop.
‘Shane?’ Amanda began retreating from the water, bringing Ewan with her.
‘You’ve been gone for over an hour,’ Shane pressed a hand to his chest as he struggled to get his breath.
‘An hour?’ Amanda looked back at the ocean as though it had betrayed her, luring her into a false sense of security so that she lost all track of time. ‘I didn’t mean to be so long. We were just… the water… and the waves.’
‘Well, Jake is beside himself with worry. He was convinced that someone had come and picked you both off. He’s searching up in the hills. We really need to get back to the cottage.’
‘Urgh,’ Ewan released Amanda’s hand and dropped down into the sand. ‘My legs ache. No more walking.’
Shane plucked the little boy up in his arms and cradled him against his chest. ‘I’ll carry you back.’ Amanda noticed Shane’s gentleness with the child, the way he softened his words around him.
The trio began making their way back up the beach.
‘Woody!’ Ewan suddenly howled mournfully, squirming in Shane’s arms.
‘I’ve got him,’ Amanda dangled the toy in the child’s line of sight. ‘He’s fine, he’s coming back with us too.’
*
Ewan was asleep before they made it back to the cottage. Shane transferred him from his arms to the bed and then sat with Amanda in the kitchen. Jake still hadn’t returned.
‘So what did you need to talk to Jake about?’
‘About you.’
Amanda looked up from the fresh cup of tea she had clasped between her hands. It was made of delicate china decorated in purple thistles.
‘About me?’
Shane nodded as he took a sip from his own painted cup. ‘After all this is over, I need to make sure you’re okay. He’s agreed to let me report all his identification documents as forged, which will nullify your marriage.’
‘So…’ Amanda looked back down at her hands. ‘It will be like it never happened?’
‘I’m doing everything I can to protect you, Amanda. To help you walk away from this mess.’
‘But…’ she felt her tears weighing down her eyelashes and tried to blink them away. Reaching across the table, Shane took her hand.
‘You deserve a clean slate from all this. To be able to think about your future.’
‘I had a future and it…’ she threw an anguished glance towards the front door. ‘It walked away. It left me.’
‘You’re going to be all right. You know that, don’t you?’
‘Why do you even care so much about what happens to me?’ Amanda knew she was being petulant but she could feel the web of everything closing in around her, constricting her breathing – her impending annulment, Jake’s secret family and past. It was all too much.
Shane’s mouth opened, he was about to reply when the front door burst open. Jake entered the kitchen, his face reddened by fierce winds.
‘You’re back,’ he gave Amanda an accusatory glare.
‘Jake, I’m so sorry. I took Ewan down to the beach and lost track of time.’
‘Well isn’t this cosy?’ Jake looked at the pair sat at the table, at their clasped hands and cups of tea. Amanda withdrew her hand from Shane’s reach. ‘And where the hell is my son?’
‘Sleeping,’ Amanda told him. ‘In the bedroom, he was exhausted after our walk, so you’d do well to lower your voice.’
Jake eased the door closed and ran both hands through his hair. He lingered awkwardly near the doorway as if he’d just rudely intruded into someone else’s home.
Amanda stood up and approached the sink. ‘Want me to make you a cup of tea? Sadly they don’t seem to have any coffee.’
‘We can’t stay here.’ The words tumbled out of Jake.
‘What? Why?’
‘Because you found me here.’ His eyes bore into hers. ‘If you found me here, then they can too. We need to move.’
‘Jake, I—’
‘They will come for me. And when they do it will be more than phone calls and cryptic messages. McAllister will be looking to end this. To end me.’
‘What makes you so sure?’
‘Because no one crosses him and gets away with it. Even if it takes decades, he has his
vengeance. He’s a patient man. They saw me at the petrol station,’ Jake released a deep sigh. ‘They are coming for me, for Ewan. Every second that I stay still, they creep ever closer. McAllister knows for sure that I’m alive now. That I’m in Scotland.’
‘So where do you want to go?’
‘North,’ Jake clicked his fingers at her like he was ordering service at a restaurant. ‘Find us somewhere remote we can stay. Use your computer.’
‘And what then? We can’t just stay in hiding forever!’
‘I know,’ Jake shook his head in frustration and looked to Shane. The realization that they might now share a secret shocked Amanda with the intensity of a lightning bolt.
‘What else did you two discuss in my absence?’ she demanded, raising her voice, forgetting about Ewan who was sleeping soundly just a few feet away.
‘Tell her,’ Shane urged.
‘Fine,’ Jake sighed and then turned back towards Amanda. ‘You two are going to go back to England.’
‘Look, Jake, I said I was willing to help and I—’
‘And you’re going to take Ewan with you.’
Amanda blinked. Certain that she must have misheard her husband’s request.
‘You’re the best chance he’s got at getting away from all this,’ Jake kept staring at her. ‘Once I’ve handled things up here, I’ll come back for him.’
‘Jake, I—’
‘Please, Amanda. Help me save my son.’
27
‘Take Ewan to England?’ Slowly Amanda dropped back into her chair and pressed her fingertips against her temple, elbows resting on the table.
‘He’ll be safer there,’ Jake insisted.
Releasing an exasperated sigh, Amanda shook her head. ‘No, Jake, he won’t. This McAllister guy still found you there. Still called the house. Still threw a brick through my bloody window.’
‘But he didn’t hurt you.’
‘Seriously?’ Wiping her eyes, she straightened. ‘So because I didn’t end up soaked in my blood I wasn’t in enough peril? Is that it? Is that why you left?’
Jake staggered back as though she’d just struck a blow against his chest. Clearing his throat, he quickly recovered. ‘Being here, in Scotland, we’re in McAllister’s spiderweb, just waiting for him to get the drop on us. He has less power in England. Fewer contacts he can lean on.’
‘Yet somehow he managed to harass me. I’m pretty sure he can get to someone no matter where they are if he’s got enough motivation.’
‘I just need to keep my son safe.’
‘You really think the best thing for your son is to take him away from everything he knows? From his mother?’
‘For now, yes.’
‘Doesn’t she even get a say in this? Or do you just not care about who you hurt as you tear through their lives like some out of control steam roller?’
‘She’d agree with me.’
‘Does she even really think you’re dead?’
‘Amanda—’ Shane was reaching for her, trying to calm her down. But his efforts were in vain. She was on her feet, staring down her husband. Refusing to let him wrap her up in yet another lie.
‘Because your son didn’t look at you like he was seeing a ghost. And back at the flats you seemed pretty confident that Evie would know it was you who’d been there. And she’s supposed to believe you’re dead!’
Amanda could feel the veins in her neck straining, the blood pumping furiously round her body, bringing a flush to her cheeks. She was so angry she thought she might explode and destroy both Shane and Jake in a brilliant blaze of fire.
‘She knew the risks attached to the job I was taking.’ Jake managed to keep his voice level which only angered Amanda further. ‘I told her that if things went south I wouldn’t come back.’
‘And what? She was just happy to let you go?’
‘We lived in a different world, Amanda. We didn’t have parents watching our backs all our lives, people who cared about us. We were forced to take risks.’
‘I took a risk.’ Amanda pointed a shaking hand at him. ‘I married you and took a fucking risk, and look where it’s got me?’
And then all the anger was gone. She deflated like a balloon, collapsing in on herself. She was so very tired. Exhaustion had frayed the end of every nerve.
‘I’m just…’ she shook with the force of unshed tears as she returned to her chair.
‘I’m going to get some air.’ Jake opened the door and then he was gone.
Amanda stared across at Shane in the aftermath of the argument. He let an even silence settle between them before clearing his throat as he rolled his neck side to side, working out his own aches.
‘You want to go back, forget all this, you say the word.’ He placed his offer on the table. An offer which had always been there.
‘I know,’ Amanda looked to the front door and then to the internal door which led to the living room and beyond that the bedroom where Ewan was sleeping soundly, oblivious to the chaos ensuing between the adults. ‘If Ewan is really in danger, I have to help him. He’s completely innocent in all this. I don’t want him ending up like those girls in that fire.’
‘I tried to do a bit of digging on this McAllister guy. I couldn’t find much, but if he’s involved in drug trafficking like Jake says he is then he’s dangerous. Eighty per cent of the homicide cases I work are drugs related.’
‘Christ. Are there ever… children involved?’
‘Very rarely,’ Shane massaged his neck. ‘If a child gets involved, it tends to be covered up. Like in a house fire. Or a car accident. And it sounds that for a guy like McAllister there’s no line of morality that he isn’t prepared to cross.’
The fire at Gregg McAllister’s home had been very real and he’d lost two children that night.
‘Then we take Ewan to England.’ Amanda decided.
‘He wants to go north first,’ Shane nodded at the front door. ‘Feels like he needs to lose the heat off his tail.’
‘Like those guys at the petrol station?’
‘Exactly. I imagine McAllister’s got a whole network of people looking for him. Jake’s right, this cottage isn’t safe.’
‘Then I’ll have to find us somewhere that is.’
*
Amanda followed Jake into the single bedroom of the cottage. Amongst a wealth of pillows Ewan stretched out his little arms, releasing an almighty yawn.
‘She tired you out, did she?’ Jake leaned down against the bed. His voice was softer now, had lost the hardened edge it’d had in the other room.
‘It was fun,’ Ewan mumbled sleepily. ‘We jumped the waves.’
Amanda smiled at the sleepy boy, and then glancing up saw that Jake too was studying him, the creases in his forehead softening.
‘He’s quite the kid,’ she commented quietly. ‘I can see a lot of you in him.’
‘Hmm,’ Jake pulled a hand across his face. ‘If you can, it’s just genetic. I’ve never been a presence in his life. Never been a father.’
‘Do you regret that?’
The question hung between them, hovering over the sleeping boy.
‘I regret a lot of things in my life,’ Jake was getting up and making for the door but then turned back to Amanda as though something was drawing him back into the room.
‘You don’t have to let me in,’ she told him gently. ‘But if you want to, I’m here. We’re still married after all.’
Jake cracked a smile and pushed his hands through his dark hair which was already tousled by the brisk sea breeze. ‘I don’t regret you,’ his eyes suddenly locked onto hers and Amanda felt like he’d just given her an electric shock. There was so much intensity in his gaze, the power of countless unspoken words, feelings. ‘Or him,’ he shifted his attention towards the bed. ‘I wish this could have been our life – our family. I tried so hard to keep everything perfect for us back home. I probably tried too hard.’
‘You were fastidious, I’ll give you that.’ Amanda felt an ach
e in her chest when she thought of her perfect house, of the neat pile of towels in the bathroom, of the tidily arranged cupboards in the kitchen. Had it all just been a part of Will’s act? ‘Did you think about him when we were together?’
‘I thought about him every day.’
‘Oh,’ Amanda’s shoulders dropped and she internally kicked herself. Of course he thought about his son every day, what kind of man would he have been if he didn’t? Will, her husband, he’d have thought about Ewan. He was kind and loving. And Jake… Will was still in there, somewhere. ‘I mean, yeah, of course you did.’
‘I regretted leaving. I wondered what he was doing.’ Jake laced his fingers through Amanda’s hand and she shuddered at his touch, remembering how good it used to feel to have Will’s skin pressed up against her own. ‘Before I met you I was in such a dark place. I was running for my life and from it. I’d given up everything. And the darkness was always there, Amanda,’ he squeezed her hand, ‘you just lit it up.’
Amanda tasted the salt of her tears as she smiled up at him. ‘You did what you had to do and you kept your son alive.’
‘And I intend to keep it that way,’ Jake said sternly, his usual mask of steely indifference falling into place. ‘You. Him. You’re part of two different worlds, but you’re connected, through me. And that puts you in danger.’
Amanda nodded solemnly. She knew how it felt to be in danger, to stare into the face of your imminent destruction. She’d been older than Ewan but still a child and her own father had risked everything to save her.
‘You’re doing everything you can to keep him safe,’ she looked into Jake’s eyes, hoping to catch another glimmer of Will.
‘Yeah,’ he released her hand, ‘well let’s just hope that it’s enough.’
*
For the second time in less than twenty-four hours Ewan was lifted out of bed and placed in a car to be driven to somewhere unknown. Amanda settled him in the back seat beside her as Jake and Shane climbed into the front of the car.
