"Let me just…" Tash tapped Pellon's arm before they slipped out of the doorway together.
Pellon turned and flashed a smile. "Yes?"
"Brother Armamae and I would like to take a walk." Head tilted, Tash watched Pellon's face for hints of his mood. From what he could tell, Pellon's anger was gone, replaced by his normal calm. "We'd also like to talk alone."
Pellon's gaze clouded with a darkness Tash recognized. "If by 'alone' you mean a two-guard team, then fine, walk to your heart's content. Inside, no outside," Pellon said, leaning against the doorframe. "I need to stay with Adren and Ress, but I promised Mayr I'd keep both eyes on you even if I have to yank them out of someone's skull." Both his chin and voice lowered. "And like I told him: my rainy-day intuition is tingling things these days it shouldn't be, so I'm hoping you'll humour me. Any hint of trouble, you holler and I'll come running."
Tash exhaled slowly, counting to five to keep from saying something he regretted. "Thank you," he said, avoiding the argument part of him yearned to start. He was not defenseless or unskilled, illustrated in his weekly sparring matches with Mayr. Nor was he naïve: his own intuition had been on alert for twenty-three years without reprieve.
With a whistle, Pellon caught the attention of the guards in the corridor. "Stick and Stuck, you're staying with these two."
The two guards retreated and stopped in front of Pellon. Stick was the quietest and least intimidating of the two. Tall and pretty, Stick was more slender than most of the other guards. Tash knew him better as Ralaern, unable to forget his ice-blue eyes and kind face softened by a youth that refused to let go, even in his late twenties. Ralaern's white-blond hair was short and styled neatly around his face and black collar. Three sets of the several small gold hoops in his ears peeked out from beneath his hair.
Beside him, Surie was a stark contrast: her shoulder-length brown hair framed her bright green-gold eyes, and she bore more muscle than Ralaern, packed into a short but sturdy frame. Her nickname, Stuck, had come from her tendency to get stuck to the people and causes she believed in, including Ralaern. The guards also called her Other Mother, respecting that she could put her boot up their ass to steer them away from trouble as swiftly as she tended their wounds after a fight.
"Keep our priests safe and don't get up in their face," Pellon instructed. "Let them breathe. If you don't, I guarantee this one bites." He pointed at Tash and laughed wickedly. "I've seen the teeth marks."
Surie laughed but quickly coughed it back. "Sorry. I mean, yes, will do."
Pellon rolled his eyes. "Stuck, don't make me haul out my digging skills. It's too cold to go hiding your dead body." Without looking back, he strolled through the hall to Ress and Adren.
"Pfft, like he would." Surie grinned, a sparkle in her eyes. "I've only heard a hundred variations of that in the past ten years. Funny, he still hides his goods from my reach."
"Punch a guy once," Ralaern muttered, "that's all it takes." He stepped away just as Surie attempted to smack his arm. "After you, Priest Tash, Priest Armamae."
Tash chuckled and brushed past both guards with Armamae. They followed the group ahead of them through the library suite, but where that group continued forward into the main corridor, Tash turned right.
True to Pellon's commands, Surie and Ralaern stayed back by more than a dozen paces. They spoke too low for Tash to make out words but loud enough to remind him they were there. From what Mayr had told him, they had endured eleven years of service with steadfast commitment. They were highly regarded by Aeley and had helped put Aeley's brother, Allon, in prison. If anyone should attack, he suspected Surie and Ralaern would counterattack even harder.
Likely the same reason Mayr had assigned them as escorts.
Sighing, Tash eyed the marble floor, his hands clasped before him. Long ago he had been the one assigned to guard others, but being the one guarded was infinitely more frustrating.
"There it is: that long trouble with the short patience," Armamae said, his shuffled steps matched to Tash's slowed pace.
"Is it that noticeable?"
"Certainly to me, though Sister Kee mentioned the same, which is why I came along. I hoped you might share what weighs you down, away from things that could deter you."
"This place isn't any better," Tash mumbled, "not with all that back there. This visit was supposed to help. Now I'm going back confused by too much information I can't do anything with. This Shar-denn thing…" He snorted. "I thought I had it all figured out, but now… now it's not so simple. It's sneaky and convoluted and feels like fate jerking me around. I stopped being Shar, but suddenly I'm still Shar, just not the way I know it. I'm all twisted up and backwards again. It's like staring at my own back, wondering how I'm supposed to stab it."
Tash stopped and faced Armamae. "It's got me wondering if everything else is tangled up and false. What if Mayr and I aren't soulbound like our temple brethren think? Or what if we are, and it isn't what I think it is? What if our triad isn't what I believe? What if none of the good things in my life are actually what I've made them out to be?" Arms folded, Tash circled his boot heel into the floor. "What if I'm missing the important things because no one's telling me the truth? And what if none of this makes any sense because I'm rambling right now, spinning in circles and wondering why I'm so dizzy."
Armamae squeezed Tash's shoulders. "You are exhausted, Halataldris," he admonished gently. "You are also trying to make sense of too much at once. You need to rest, sleep, and stop over-thinking. Let yourself feel the answers. You are more in harmony with that." He frowned and drew away. "We need to address the underlying factors, however. Your relationship, the soulbound supposition—these are what have been bothering you?"
"Yes." The heat of embarrassment surged across Tash's face. "This is why Uldana priests aren't allowed romantic relationships. This is exactly why the rules are there, to stop this ridiculous, painful…" Tash dropped his forehead into his palm. "I'm becoming the example the Temple needs to keep enforcing the rules, because the boundaries… the boundaries."
"Which boundaries?"
"The ones that say I can't be a husband while I'm serving the Temple."
"The ones you have permission to ignore."
"Yes, and I have been ignoring them, but what if I'm abusing that permission?" Tash asked, hating how his voice cracked. "Am I even representing the priesthood and living our values anymore? Am I making a mockery of you and everyone else? How can Sister Kee begin to look at me, let alone congratulate me on our family? She shouldn't, not as Overseer, not with all the rules." Miserable, he sucked in a painful breath. "The Sacred Assembly said I could stay with Mayr, but they said nothing about a family. What if I'm forced to choose again, between him and my priesthood? I need both," he whispered, "and they're intimately connected."
"A painful quandary, yes, but there is more bothering you," Armamae said.
Tash grimaced and resumed walking. "We're still working out how to share a life—how to be ourselves within a single entity. Now there's Arieve, and her relationship with Coye, and the child we want… It's frightening. We're giving things up just to have others." Rubbing his temples, Tash wished his headache would subside and offer his worries a break. "Sometimes it feels like another way to hurt each other. I'm scared we'll find ourselves at odds, too far to bridge the gap. We have to find balance, but we can't give up everything that makes us who we are—even if it means tearing each other apart."
Armamae nodded while he followed. "Permit me to offer some advice?"
"Please. I need someone else's voice in my head."
"You are young," Armamae stated, blunt but kind. "You are learning, and others are learning with you. Patience, time, and love: these will guide you, one day after another." He tapped Tash's elbow. "Dare I remind you that Emeraliss instructed you to follow your heart? In your heart, do you truly want to marry Mayr? Do you want to be a father?"
"Yes," Tash admitted, "and it goes beyond want. They feel like the air I breathe
."
"Then that is what matters," Armamae said. "It all comes from the same place and ends with the same thing. Do not impose mortal restrictions on a divine match. Nor should you build a cage for happiness." He clasped Tash's shoulder. "The Sacred Assembly granted your priesthood knowing where your match with Mayr could lead. It is rare for a Goddess to intervene in our Trials the way Emeraliss did for you, especially when it is obvious you are one of us. To honour Her wisdom, we agreed not to limit your freedom. She sees something in you, and we chose to protect that, not push you out."
Tash's shoulders sagged as he lowered his gaze to the floor. There they are: all the things I should already know. Once more, he felt like a child in Armamae's presence.
They turned down a short corridor before encountering another long, empty hall of gleaming marble and glass. The noise from their boots echoed quietly. Surie and Ralaern were silent, their presence a rough reminder of everything Tash was afraid to say—all the words he needed to put out into the world and see what they brought back.
"I don't think we're doing so well with it," Tash whispered finally.
Armamae peered around his veil, one grey brow arched. "With what?"
"The soulbound thing. We're violating it. That's why all this turmoil is busting up my gut."
"What makes you think that?"
"Because I gave Mayr my heart on the solemn premise that I wanted to be his everything… and I still want to be. I never want to stop, even if it kills me."
"However?"
The breath Tash sucked in rattled him. "I like having Arieve with us. So does Mayr." A shiver surged through him. "But it's against the soulbound ideals. Two souls entwined, beyond life, beyond death. If he and I are bound, we shouldn't be doing this. If we're bound, we're bound, just him and me. Not him, me, and someone forced into the middle."
Armamae pulled Tash to a stop, his hand tight around Tash's wrist. "You may believe you are bound, but you do not understand it," he said, mixed emotions tumbling across his face. "You know the word but not what it means."
Sympathy and sorrow flickered in Armamae's eyes. "You have the spirit of a priest, devout and sincere, but sometimes your youth works against you. You confuse expectation for truth, leading to unnecessary limitations," he reproved gently. "While I have never desired anyone as you do, nor craved romantic attachment or carnal relations, I have spent a lifetime studying all loves, including those people might scoff at or dismiss." Armamae's brow furrowed as he urged Tash to continue walking. "The belief in soulbound entanglement is one of these. Not everyone agrees it is a true thing, not even priests."
"With the way our sisters and brothers mention—"
"They tend to believe it on the good days, but the majority of people do not, even in our temple. Many people do not believe it exists. Most do not realize it could, particularly since not everyone feels it. Rarity does not breed clarity."
Disappointment stabbed at Tash, slicing his hope into tiny pieces. "Then why say it at all?"
"Because it is a beautiful thought, never having to be alone," Armamae answered softly. "The words of Emeraliss have suggested such a connection, albeit briefly in one particular tome, but there are no explanations. The concept of soulbound is more of a myth, a relic in the mysticism underlying our beliefs."
"So how does anyone…?"
"Know?" Armamae tapped Tash's forehead. "Feelings, words of the heart and soul… and some help from those aware of that particular tome of interest." He clasped his hands, steadying the constant quiver of his fingers. "No one knows how souls are bound or why, but a select few would theorize that in a past life, you or Mayr were once Goddess-touched and formed a bond. Or perhaps you were cursed by an enemy to spend the rest of your existence bound but never finding each other. There are plenty of theories, none of them proven or disproved."
"Helpful," Tash muttered.
Armamae's light laughter filled the hall. "It could be. There is debate there, also." Another smile brightened Armamae's pale green eyes. "As a concept, it is comforting, gentle, a notion that clutches the inspiration of romantics." His smile dimmed. "In practice, it can be a nightmare, unkind and damaging. It does not appear to hold true for all. Even if it did, we hear of so few such relationships, suggesting people may not be finding their partners. It hurts, being connected that deeply to someone but never finding them."
How well Tash recognized that hollow feeling, having been lost in such emptiness for much of his life. Even with Inesta, Naliss, and Erithe, an invisible weight had pushed him to emotional depths he could not avoid. His love had never been enough, not even for him. There had always been sunken holes of loneliness in what he offered, but his heart had no means to fill the gaps. Until Mayr, he had accepted it as the way he was.
Once his soul found its voice and the words it had desperately needed to say, everything changed. The weight lifted and voids were filled. Love became enough. It had a name, a home.
"There is why it is often brushed aside," Armamae said, motioning to Tash's face. "Dreamy hope. It is less harmful to never believe in such a connection and focus on what is than believing and never finding it. It is better to take love where it presents itself, not wither over what may be missing."
The thought made Tash's heart ache. Without Mayr, he would be alone and convinced it was the best he could have.
"Because we want to be optimists for the greater good," Armamae continued, "many priests and scholars do not believe in soul bindings. A vast number of philosophers have spoken against it, saying it is something else: the mind playing tricks or justifying the need to fight—or not fight, as it may be. Others say it is an illusion to rationalize the depth of one's feelings or why they feel so easily. Many deny it because it is too painful to consider, especially for priests bound to their faith."
Tash felt the pointed look Armamae cast him. This was more than a spiritual lesson meant to make him a better priest: this was Armamae telling him to stop soiling what he had. He needed to punch out his doubts before they ruined everything.
"Soulbound relationships are also not limited to two people, just as having multiple partners is not limited to the Goddesses," Armamae said, stepping closer. "Whatever your perception of the ties, there are cases where three or more have found their counterparts tied together, each of their spirits uplifted by the others. There is a group of four living happily in the Eruelme tract. Groups of three are even more common." Head tilted, he regarded Tash with a pensive expression. "Even within those relationships, certain individuals feel a special pull while the others do not. It is not restricted to couples, nor does it dictate exclusivity. It simply is. What those lucky few do with it is completely up to them."
Armamae guided him into the hallway to their left. "Then again," he started, "soulbound does not mean romantic or sexual ties. I know of some who prefer the intimacy of friendship without such desires. I have even heard rumour of enemies being soulbound. It is more complicated than you think."
Tash twisted his marriage ring around his middle finger. He swore he heard Mayr's voice demand he relax and let his thoughts wander. "This is where you tell me the rules aren't set, just like the rules of love aren't clear."
A smile teased a glint from Armamae's eyes. "You are learning."
They drifted to the rectangular seats aligned against the wall beneath the windows. Vivid purple cushions provided thick padding on the dark red wood frames, the seats high enough to lean against rather than bend low. Ralaern and Surie leaned against the opposite wall, their glances everywhere but on Tash and Armamae.
"Soulbound is not a restriction." Armamae patted Tash's hand. "It will take more than a shared lover to destroy what you have."
"Meaning we should let it run its course."
"If your lover feeds off and into your coupling, is it necessary to pull it apart? Perhaps if you were splitting yourselves in twine to appease one relationship or the other, maybe, but if you are creating a new entity then perhaps you should revel in it."
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Revel. Tash sighed and dropped his head into his hands, his elbows balanced on his thighs. He wanted to enjoy the delight in Mayr's eyes when the three of them were together, to lose himself in Arieve's warm, lazy smiles while she lay sated in their arms. The best he could tell, they were not losing themselves or each other—they were finding a deeper connection.
"We are complex creatures," Armamae said, "complicated by emotions, physicality, and needs. Sometimes those needs can be met by a single person, but sometimes not, no matter how much you try. Perhaps your spirits have discovered a new and enlightened self, shared among hearts rather than split."
Or we're simply in it for sex.
Tash shook his head. He wanted to believe they were more than that. Especially with how we were when I left. Arieve's so open, so kind, never forcing her way in. She's there, where she's needed, where she's wanted. The thought of letting her go…
Groaning, he bounced the back of his head against the wall. If he was not falling in love with Arieve he was in trouble, because he had no other word for what he felt. He needed to kiss Mayr now and admit everything. He needed to embrace Arieve and tell her what she meant, how wonderful she was.
"Is it truly that bad?" Armamae chuckled.
"You have no idea."
"So is the rebel that is love. It does not obey by imposed lines, no matter how clear we draw them." Ankles crossed, Armamae leaned back against the window frame. "Rules are what we create to make sense of love, to tame it, born from our need to sort complex matters and remove complication. Love is vast, ever-consuming, and so deep we must restrain it. Otherwise, it is a terrifying beast that threatens our struggle to keep control. Yet love does not surrender power. It keeps track when we do not."
Maybe this is our path, sharing our life with Arieve, Tash realized. Maybe we're supposed to leave fear and everything else behind. What if we're all soulbound and don't know it?
Soulbound Page 26
